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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Did my fiancé cheat or AIBU?

81 replies

UmberKoala · 17/08/2024 20:32

I (F31) have a partner (M33) I've been with for 8 years. I wish we were married with kids already but, we're happy and are planning to have a baby soon.
We share a computer, a few months ago I went on and his Facebook account was already open when I went to log in.
A message popped up from a women, I didn't recognise her so I snooped through the messages which, I know was a bit wrong of me! There was nothing too bad and it was mainly her messaging him. I just think what she was sending was weird, she sent a selfie of herself at Easter wearing easter bunny ears and she was constantly trying to start chats with him and asking why he doesn't reply. Another thing I found weird is that she had asked him to have a phone call at one point and he said to give him a few mins as I was upstairs in bed and he'd go for a walk to take it. I confronted him and he said there was nothing to it, she's a colleague from work that messages him and needed some advice. I let it go!
Fast forward a few months to a couple of weeks ago. We had a major argument, I said I was finished - sick of waiting for marriage, kids e.c.t. I've apologised for this and said I was in the wrong. After the argument he stayed at his parents to get some space. I since found out he wasn't at his parents he was somewhere else. I snooped again, there were bookings for two on his emails and a restaurant booking. I saw a future booking for a hotel bar. I confronted him - he said he cancelled the booking and it was originally for me and him. Fast forward to yesterday and I'm absolutely devastated I found him at that booking at the hotel bar, with the colleague I was worried about a few months ago.
He still says he's never cheated. I'm so angry, I know we had a massive argument and I wasn't perfect but for the last few weeks I feel like all he's done is lie to me.
He's obviously been a massive idiot and crossed the line but AIBU to think he's fully cheated. I'm just so confused, I trusted him so much and it feels like my life's just been destroyed.

OP posts:
Insertcreativenamehere · 22/08/2024 16:16

It doesn’t sound good. As hard as it may feel at the moment it’s probably best to leave him. You deserve better x

Mysinglepringle · 22/08/2024 19:07

Jesus christ woman. Hes been an idiot and crossed a line?

No hes clearly cheating and not very good or bothered about covering his tracks. He knew you'd looked previously and confronted him regarding the messages and the phone call. Yet he still meets up with her, why would he do that for just a "colleague"??

Dubuem · 22/08/2024 19:18

OP, your post is full of defence for his behaviour and excuses for yours. Stop now. As others have said, sounds like he wants out, but hasn't the guts to face you with the first move. A plus is you don't have children with this guy (don't think of adding that complication to the mix) so make the hard decision of moving on and let someone who respects you into your life. You'll always be second guessing this one. Good luck.

AmJeffriess · 22/08/2024 19:19

He's a cheat !!
I went through the same thing !!
You deserve better

AmJeffriess · 22/08/2024 19:21

He's a cheat!
You deserve better
I went through the same thing, lies and more lies then caught him!!

Lindjam · 22/08/2024 19:22

He’s completely untrustworthy so why on earth would you (or any decent woman) want him?

Your life is not ruined, it’s quite the opposite. It probably would have been ruined if you’d fallen pregnant to this cheating bastard, but luckily for you, he fucked up and you can make your escape.

theduchessofspork · 22/08/2024 19:23

He probably is cheating but he’s definitely not that info you.

Just get shot of him. He’ll make your life a nightmare

Luio · 22/08/2024 19:28

You didn’t need to apologise for telling him you like him enough to want to commit to marriage and have his babies. It sounds like he is eroding your confidence.You won’t find someone who wholeheartedly wants to be with you if you stick with him so I would ditch him so that you can move on.

momtoboys · 22/08/2024 19:34

He is cheating. You know that as well as we do on Mumsnet. Be happy you aren't married. or have children. It will make it easier to end things. He is playing you for a fool.

time2changeCharlieBrown · 22/08/2024 19:40

Whoa he’s a cheat don’t waste another second of your life on him. He will carry on lying and stringing you along

carly2803 · 22/08/2024 19:50

throw this one back!!

after 8 years he would have asked you to marry him and have kids if thats what he wanted

also, yes he probably has cheated - you wont ever trust him - chuck him

Getonwitit · 22/08/2024 19:55

Sorry but he doesn't want to marry you, he doesn't want a relationship with you. Please do not try and bring a baby into this chaos. Walk away and stay away.

AliceS1994 · 22/08/2024 20:01

He is cheating.
He has lied and has no respect for you.
He has kept you hanging for marriage and babies which he will never go through with. He would have done that by now if he wanted.

Please don't believe a word this man says, kick him out block him and move on with your life you are only 31! You have loads of time!

Tiggipig · 22/08/2024 20:02

Ask him how he would feel if you went out with a male colleague. You'll get your answer.

Mumof2studentnurse · 22/08/2024 20:03

I am so sorry you are having to navigate through all of this, it must be shocking and I imagine you are very much in love with this person.

Like so many others have said, you are being treated horribly by this person and i wouldn't waste any more time in this relationship. I know after a long relationship it's hard to walk away because it feels like a 'waste'. What would be a waste is if you give up any more of your time to this person.

Even if he gets on his hands and knees and begs for forgiveness, please consider the possibility that you will be back here in 5 or 10 years, wishing you had left at this point.

It's awful and it's going to be hard for you, but in the not-too-distant future you will see that finding all this out has been an absolute blessing, because you will be free to live your best life and find someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated!

Again, I am so sorry, but I really hope you are ok x x

Crinkle77 · 22/08/2024 20:07

Do not have a baby with this man.

ModuleOrion · 22/08/2024 20:08

unless they are just friends then its possible

Boopeedoop · 22/08/2024 20:15

Why are you wasting your time and fertility on him?

sunshine240778474 · 22/08/2024 20:16

You are trying to make excuses for him. There is no excuse for his behaviour. You have done absolutely nothing wrong in fact the only thing you have done wrong is apologised to him. He's in the wrong not you!!! Please don't let him manipulate you into thinking the break up or cheating is your fault.

Thepossibility · 22/08/2024 20:17

You can't marry or have a baby with this man! He's showing you who he is and who he will always be. He will always cheat, he will always lie and you will never be happy.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 22/08/2024 20:20

Presumably you confronted him at the hotel bar?

What happened?

TotalDramarama24 · 22/08/2024 20:21

Why on earth would you plan a baby with a man who hasn't married you after all these years? Leave him, he's no good for you and does sound like he is cheating. Don't have a baby with him.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 22/08/2024 20:22

' I wish we were married with kids already but, we're happy and are planning to have a baby soon.'

Why the ' but ' surely that would be a ' and ' not a ' but '

you are not happy, you are trying to convince yourself you are.

and do not have a child with him - he would be tied to you until that child is 18+ and he does not want that.

He has had 8 years to make a decision and propose to you and get married.

8 years.

Busybeemumm · 22/08/2024 20:26

You do not want a baby with this man. Sorry to say but he is just not that into you. Sooner you accept this and move on, the more chance you have to meet your man and have a family. At age 31 you have just about enough tim. Any more time wasted on him means that you are wasting your best fertility years on this looser.

Universalsnail · 22/08/2024 20:28

He's definitely a cheater.