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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never trust my HV again?

79 replies

sosocross · 16/04/2008 14:38

And to demand a new one?

I am so angry and feel I'm being made to feel like a bad mother by someone who knows f all about me. We have never gotten along and she had issues with me questioning the Jabs and also her advice on weaning.

She once called round unannounced. DP had taken the DC to his mums for a couple of nights and I had a friend round. She was horrified that we were drinking wine but it was 4pm and why wouldn't one, when you have a rare child free night? She really grilled me about where the children where and told me I had to bring them into clinic every two weeks.

I have done so, though it has been annoying as I've often had to cancel plans with friends. Last week I called to tell her it was DP's birthday so I would go to clinic the following week. She insisted we don't change the plan so I went out for lunch with him and our friends, collected the children from my mum and went to clinic.

She was all smiles while we were there and I told her our plans for that evening and how nice it was to have a babysitter. Also that we had been for lunch and I'd had a glass of wine.

Then this morning I received a letter from Child services telling me concerns have been raised that I am using alcohol whilst in charge of the children and they need to speak to me. I called her first and she said 'I'm sure the children are alright, but it's my job to raise concerns and I feel you don't engage with me'. Surely if she had any concerns she should talk to me first, is that not their job?

Anyway the good part is I called them and they said there is no reason to visit us, but they will keep the referral on file and if anything else comes to their attention they will take it seriously.

But in all, I am so angry. What if I have to take them to A&E after an accident? I've heard the horror stories of social services getting involved over innocent injuries, so how would it look for us that we now have a 'file' with them. ffs.

I am wondering if I can report the HV to anyone, or if there is another way to remove this file from their register. I have nothing to hide, they can come and inspect us and our medical records if they like.

OP posts:
barnstaple · 16/04/2008 15:20

Get rid of her. I hated my MW, she was horrid and never answered my questions and treated me like I was a twat. I told my GP I wouldn't be seeing her again and what should I do? All the MW appts were changed and I saw him for a few months and then went to the hospital for the rest of the pregnancy, where I saw a different MW each time (I didn't mind).

Why do you need to see a HV? I saw mine regularly because I liked him and he helped me, but if I didn't go to the baby clinic he didn't go running round telling me I had to.

frogs · 16/04/2008 15:21

Is she attached to your GPs surgery? If so, and if you get on with the GP, that would be my first port of call, I think.

Unbe-bloody-lievable. My 3rd child took four or five weeks to regain her birthweight, and then went down and down the centiles from 90th to below 9th. No-one gave me any hassle at all, really. And as for reporting you for having a glass of wine while your kids were at MILs -- words fail me.

Original poster
sosocross · 16/04/2008 15:22

I think as I had PND with DS they were extra cautious, hence insisting I see them often.

To be honest, her actions are more likely to make me depressed than anything happening in my day to day life.

OP posts:
Original poster
sosocross · 16/04/2008 15:25

I had a different HV with DS and she was brilliant, there when I needed her but not imposing.
Maybe I was spoilt to think that should be the norm

OP posts:
PerkinWarbeck · 16/04/2008 15:27

seriously thou, complain in writing.

just think of the many other mums she's antagonised, and worse.

and a letter advising of an upheld complaint can be added to your SSD /GP notes in the highly unlikely event of any future problems with her.

luminarphrases · 16/04/2008 15:29

i agree that you should complain, (i think that's a given)

but i also think you should apply for a copy of your dc's records. she may have written stuff that you currently aren't aware of, and you might want to add a note to the file saying you disagree

Original poster
sosocross · 16/04/2008 15:30

I do feel like asking the familiar faces at clinic , if I actually go next week.
But it's a tricky subject to broach?

OP posts:
NotABanana · 16/04/2008 15:33

I wouldn't invovle anyone else tbh. I would just go down the official complaint route and ignore her if he comes round again. Put the chain on and don't let her in.

barnstaple · 16/04/2008 15:33

Not wearing socks????!!!!!!!!!!!!! (just read that!). Oh boy, you should hanged drawn and quartered, you should. No socks. I'm shocked. DD hated socks too so I padlocked them on, and when she picked the lock I used superglue and she's still got them on now she's 8! Deformed feet mind you, but hey

Seriously, lots of babies don't like socks and even if you put them on they take them off and then you lose them etc etc etc.

Your HV is seriously disturbed.

thomsc · 16/04/2008 15:37

Socks! (and hats)... and apparently stapling sellotaping them on is frowned upon...

SOCKS! words almost fail me...

berolina · 16/04/2008 15:42

Dreadful. I am really shocked - what a disgrace of an HV.

Official complaint. Don't see her again. I would also be making sure this 'file' at children's services is either cancelled or also contains your version of events.

TenaciousG · 16/04/2008 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
sosocross · 16/04/2008 15:51

That's a good point Berolina, perhaps I should write them a letter detailing what I have told you which they can keep in their file.

I am scared to do anything to be honest. What if CS decide I am being overly defensive and want to investigate us as a result?

What if the complaint goes through but the HV's word is trusted over mine?

Got to go now and make dinner but I'll hopefully be online later.

Thanks again. It helps to be reassured.

OP posts:
tootiredtothink · 16/04/2008 15:57
  • go to your gp. Get them to check your dc out and keep going to them instead of HV. I always find my gp so much better than hv. That way you are showing you take your dc's welfare seriously and are happy to take them to gp to be seen. Should imagine your gp will soon sign dc off! Sadly you really will have to watch your back on this one. But it will be worth it of course.

And do write a formal letter of complaint about her. How dare she refuse to let you rearrange appointments and condemn you for drinking even when your children are out of the house!!!

ggglmpp · 16/04/2008 15:58

I was a hv in the dim distant past.

I would def have spoken to you first. I would not have raised concerns if you were child free and had cracked open the sauvignon in the afternoon - but if you were rolling pissed on voddy at ten am, perhaps I would have!

You need to ring the trust and find out who the manager is for that health care team.

Write them a letter.

Incidentally, if ppush came to shove, the gp would be called in. Jump in first - go see him and explain.
hth.

PS I worked a very mixed patch - if I reported every wine drinking volvo driving mummy, the ss would have been overloaded.On the other hand, and the other half of my caseload, the teen age mothers know far better than to swig anything more than tea in front of their hv!

iloatheironing · 16/04/2008 16:10

I used to go to clinic to get dcs weighed, listen to their advice, ignore most of it and go home and do what I thought was right!!

WanderingTrolley · 16/04/2008 16:10

This is appalling - your hv is clearly from planet Control. What a despot.

I agree with complaining to the PCT and NMC - also don't forget you have a right under the Data Protection Act to see files held in your name. There are grounds where you may be refused access to your files, but it might be worth applying for them now, or at some point in the future. With this in mind, be very careful in your wording of any letters or emails.

I think your hv is dangerous and should be avoided. I can see how she's 'only doing her job' but demanding your attendance in her clinic every two weeks (with a 9 month old!) is an act of lunacy.

And how dare you drink! You are a mother! I am sure your hv is a paragon of virtue and temperance.

beaniesteve · 16/04/2008 16:13

OMG - I just read this.

when you say she said, 'I'm sure the children are alright, but it's my job to raise concerns and I feel you don't engage with me'. wtf does she mean by you not engaging with her! That alone is not enough of a reason to do thi!

lulumama · 16/04/2008 16:15

so, she says the following

'I'm sure the children are alright, but it's my job to raise concerns and I feel you don't engage with me'.

yet she felt reporting you was teh right thing???!??!?!?!?!?!

WTFFFFFFFF?

sounds like she has made this personal, that you have not been bullied or cowed by her enough , so she has taken the 'upper hand' waste of resources now being used to look at you, when tehy could be looking at children in real need

don;t think twice about reporting her and making a complaint

on your behalf

sadly, after some of the HV stories on here, no-one would thikn this was trolling

PotPourri · 16/04/2008 16:19

Not read the full thread. This is terrible! You need to go on the counteroffensive in my opinion. complain about her, she should not be coming in unannounced, it is of no business to her what you are doing when the kids are not there.

and don't go near her again.

So sorry to hear about this, I am really cross on your behalf.

kittywise · 16/04/2008 16:39

Oh God, poor you. Refuse to speak to the woman again. Make an official complaint in writing, for you.

Solitaire · 16/04/2008 16:46

Yep thought so, the women is violating oodles of part of the Nursing and Midwifery Councils (regulating body of ALL nurses, midwives and health visitors)code of condust.
Find it here www.nmc-uk.org/aArticle.aspx?ArticleID=3056 sorry pants at doing links

pagwatch · 16/04/2008 16:52

Can I add to the clamour ?
Vaccinations are entirely voluntary. You do not have to have them, nor ( if you choose to have them) do they have to be done according to the NHS schedule.
NONE of her business. Her only responsibility is to ensure that you are aware that the vaccs are available and if their benefits.
My DD hasn't had them and it is none of her business. You don't HAVE to see the HV for that matter. I had DD weighed once after midwife visits finished and never went again - went to see the GP a couple of times because he was lovely instead.

mistlethrush · 16/04/2008 16:54

Make an official complaint and see your dr with dc as said already below - and see what she has put on file as well so that you can at least refute it now - at least this will be on file if you ever do need to go to A&E with the inevitable accident at some stage.

Am really that you're going every 2 wks with 9mo. My HV was lovely but basically told me everything was fine, she didn't need to see me again unless I needed to see her - in which case she would love to see me and ds. None of this 'you must come in' nonsense.

Squiffy · 16/04/2008 17:07

When my DS was 5 days old, me & DH (and DS) sat down at some unearthly hour on a Sunday morning to watch England win the Rugby World cup. My HV turned up to find my DH 4 cans of lager down at 9 in the morning, and she laughed when she saw the empty cans. It wasn't me drinking, but she didn't know that. And she didn't ask either.

Your HV is deranged.

Saying that, not sure whether I would go down the complaining route myself as she sounds like a jumped-up sour-face who won't back down and might make all sorts of claims. I would simply stop going to the clinic and mention it to your GP informally.