To have told my mum I'm taking a break from her and she is at risk of never seeing my kids again if she continues?

[Allwatchedoverbytrees]

I just can't get through to her. She never takes responsibility. Anything I say to her is met with explanation why it was right to do what she did or how I'm just as bad so I should let it go, or how I owe her so I should let it go.
She does a number on me psychologically so I always end up feeling sorry for her. She's sent alot of messages about how I'm mean and my kids are her life. But basically not addressed the issues in any way that I feel comfortable letting her see them again.
I already have gone from only letting her see my eldest unaccompanied (because he asks to go over there sometimes and he's 9 and confident and I know he will tell me if he's worried or unhappy about anything) my two girls don't see her unsupervised at all as I found her smoking inside next to my asthmatic daughter once.. I've also heard her speaking to my daughter in a way I don't like 'shut up' etc (these would possible be things I could get passed if she actually took responsibility for them and I trusted she took it seriously not to do them again)
My son went to her house and she said some awful things in front of him.. so I said to him I don't think you should go over there alone anymore and he agreed, as the things she said had upset him.
So I was going to leave it at that and only do supervised visits but not rock the boat by telling her this (I've spoken to her about these things before and it gets me nowjere)
However we went round there all together my husband included.. and her neighbours were there..and she repeated the things she said to my son that upset him, in front of everyone present including my young daughters.
We left and she then went online and continued.
The things she was saying were regarding my uncle who is my godfather. My uncle is a good man and since my fad died has really stepped up helping us in all sorts of ways
He also has a close relationship with my son who he takes on holiday with his wife a couple of times a year (he doesn't take my daughters as my middle is autistic and wouldn't cope and my youngest is a baby) We sometimes also all go to stay with him together as a family or he visits.
He has never had kids of his own but is happily married since I can remember to his wife who is also lovely.
My mother hates him. She hates him due to an issue regarding wedding photos when I was a teenager. It's do stupid it's the most trivial issue. But basically he criticised her. And she does not respond well to that.
I don't try and force them together she's allowed her opinions... but I do ask she doesn't bad mouth him in front of my children as its stressful and upsetting for them.
She's recently decided my uncle is responsible for my dad's death. He dies two years ago but this decision on her part seems to have come in the last month or so.
Sge gets very jealous when he comes to visit altho she is always invited etc
So when my son was last round there she kept telling him that my uncle had murdered my father (my son was also close with my dad) which obviously my son found distressing.
He came back abd told me this and that she wouldn't stop talking about it so this was when we decided he wouldn't go there alone and more.
However she also then repeated it in front of everyone despite me telling her to stop.
Then when my uncle visited to meet the baby she went online and posted "murderer" under every picture of him holding the baby on Facebook

AIBU to think this is totally unhinged and not acceptable?
I tried to be as calm about it as possible and spoke to her but the response was basically that she thought that so she said it. She basically took the stance that I was overreacting. She said she would keep quiet about it "if I liked" but I do not trust her to do this as she hasn't acknowledged how awful it was for the children or thar it was wrong at all.

She's now bombarding me with messages making out I'm being aggressive and mean towards her and I'm letting her down.

It's an absolute headfuck for me because I just can't believe that she thinks it's OK abd that I'm the one being nuts
She even said "I didn't know you would react this way"... I mean how could you not know that? I feel like I'm going md honestly and I just need a bit of external validation that this is in fact crazy abd it's not okay for the kids to be round her saying these things?
My DH obviously agrees with me

It's crazy and not OK. At the very least I would block her on Facebook so she has less opportunity to post on your page. Your uncle should do the same.
Supervised visits and leave as soon as she does anything inappropriate. That is if you want to maintain relationships.
Does she have a history of ill MH? It is possible that she experiences cognitive changes? Or was she always like that, as far as you can remember?

God this sounds awful! I don't blame you for wanting to avoid her. I think someone will come along and say it may be dementia.

I have obviously blocked her now on most Facebook posts
She's always been quite like this tbh but she's never been this bad in front of the children before

She wouldn't be around my children. That's insane behaviour.

I wouldn't warn her, it doesn't sound like she's got capacity to take that on, or that it's something she'd respond well to. I'd just create a LOT of distance between her and my children.

Ok, fair enough. I only asked because my lovely grandfather who was positively in love with all the children in the world suddenly became extremely grumpy and irritated with my younger cousins, calling them names etc. He died from brain cancer a few short months later. Ever since I am very alert to any personality changes.
But if your mum was always like that, nothing to be done but to protect your own sanity.

I don't think she could have been described as lovely at any point. However she hadn't upset my son like this before

As the previous poster said - I wonder if it is early stages of dementia?

There is a possibility she may have frontotemporal dementia if she is getting worse.
My aunt had this and it was awful. She said some terrible things about me and other family members in front of my young children. It was a few years before we realised this was the cause as memory loss can come very late in this type of dementia.
i think negative characteristics become exacerbated and paranoia and delusions are common.
i had to stop my kids seeing her as the things she was saying were so outrageous and hurtful

Yes thankyou
That's my inclination. She just believes so firmly that she's in the right that it sometimes makes me doubt myself.

She sounds poisonous.

I wouldn’t expose DC to her at all and would drastically cut back my own contact.

Is she ok lately, as in MH wise? Or has she always been like this?

If this is new behaviour and out of the ordinary for her, I'd maybe take it with a pinch of salt and encourage her to seek help from her GP / talk to a MH professional or something

If this is just how she is in general and shes not willing to accept that shes hurting you and her GC, then follow your gut and cut her off.
Kids only get one chance at a happy loving childhood and if she wont curb her toxic behaviour, they will be affected by it. The kids have to come first.

It's possible.. this has always been her personality type but it's been exaggerated in the last couple of years.. but that could be due to my dad's death abd her having a bit more free reign. She's also come off a high dose of morphine in the last year that she was on for decades.
However I have memories of her before the morphine when I was a child, where she's been absolutely batshit and again, totally convinced her behaviour was justified.

Why does she think your uncle killed your dad?
That’s just weird.
My dc wouldn’t go to someone who upset them like that.

It's real mental gymnastics how she came to that conclusion. Basically based on his she doesn't like him and wants someone to blame and is also jealous of his position in my life and wants to do something to undermine that.
The crux of it is that he didn't lend my dad money once and my mum has decided this killed my dad with stress.
However there's massive backstory to why this is total bollocks. Essentially she has a compulsive spending problem.

Head over to the Stately Homes threads @Allwatchedoverbytrees - you'll find plenty of people there who understand and know what you are going through as they've experienced similar x

good advice. Your son is trying to do the nice thing, but he's getting hurt by her behaviour. She can't be allowed to keep doing this.

I do read that thread and did try and post but it was kindly explained to me that it was support for people going completely no contact. I can't do that unfortunately.
I'm an only child and my mum has some medical issues that I can't just turn away from completely. I also jointly own some property with due to a long backstory, which is a nightmare (via inheritance, not something I chose to do)

She's emotionally abusing your children. It might be building because your DS is getting older and as we age nasty traits come out more. As said children get one childhood and she doesn't get to mess that up and their MH by trying to destroy relationships. They don't go without you and as said you warn her that you will leave if she starts.

Not sure who 'kindly explained' that to you, but it's not the case. Going NC is difficult and challenging and not for everyone for a variety of reasons - but there IS support over there.

YANBU to stop her having any contact with your children. It sounds like she has some sort of personality disorder and this won't change. I would try very hard to have as little as possible/no contact with her as she will always bring chaos and distress into your life. This must be very hard for you 😔 but I do think you need to protect yourself and your family from her malign influence.

Thing is, she's abusing your kids. You owe her absolutely nothing OP. You can turn your back on her completely. You can't expose your kids to this person anymore. So what if she has medical issues and you're an only?

Your mum is, frankly, mad and if I were in your position I would personally be seeing her pretty much never. I don't think it's especially good for your kids to be around someone who behaves/talks like that about someone that they love. She sounds properly obsessive and nasty.

She sounds like she has narcissistic personality disorder, or some kind of personality disorder anyway. Serious 'main character syndrome' as the kids would say! It's a horrible situation for you to be in, but I can't see what else you can do apart from go as low communication with her as you possibly can. And yes, she's bonkers!

I agree to try the Stately Homes thread again. The poster who said that was wrong. Lots of people are struggling with what to do with awful relatives and not even at the stage of low contact. Some may never get to NC stage.

It's definitely not acceptable behaviour and I'm glad you have your DH's support. She should not have access to your children, that's a privilege not a right and she's shown she cannot be trusted to behave properly.

Obviously my children are not going to be near her again after this.
But I don't feel I can just abandon her completely. I get why people encourage me to but it would cause me too much pain. I need to know I tried. I loved my dad very much and he loved her and cared for her. I don't know what he'd think.. I want to think he'd support me but I think he had a strong sense of duty abd would probably expect me to have the same.
It's all just really sad.

Yes she seems to have very little empathy and her emotions are centre sage like no one else has any.
She doesn't seem to be able to connect to or like other people.. she wants things done for her or she wants to impress or upset. And those are the only ways she interacts with people.