To have told my mum I'm taking a break from her and she is at risk of never seeing my kids again if she continues?

[Allwatchedoverbytrees]

I just can't get through to her. She never takes responsibility. Anything I say to her is met with explanation why it was right to do what she did or how I'm just as bad so I should let it go, or how I owe her so I should let it go.
She does a number on me psychologically so I always end up feeling sorry for her. She's sent alot of messages about how I'm mean and my kids are her life. But basically not addressed the issues in any way that I feel comfortable letting her see them again.
I already have gone from only letting her see my eldest unaccompanied (because he asks to go over there sometimes and he's 9 and confident and I know he will tell me if he's worried or unhappy about anything) my two girls don't see her unsupervised at all as I found her smoking inside next to my asthmatic daughter once.. I've also heard her speaking to my daughter in a way I don't like 'shut up' etc (these would possible be things I could get passed if she actually took responsibility for them and I trusted she took it seriously not to do them again)
My son went to her house and she said some awful things in front of him.. so I said to him I don't think you should go over there alone anymore and he agreed, as the things she said had upset him.
So I was going to leave it at that and only do supervised visits but not rock the boat by telling her this (I've spoken to her about these things before and it gets me nowjere)
However we went round there all together my husband included.. and her neighbours were there..and she repeated the things she said to my son that upset him, in front of everyone present including my young daughters.
We left and she then went online and continued.
The things she was saying were regarding my uncle who is my godfather. My uncle is a good man and since my fad died has really stepped up helping us in all sorts of ways
He also has a close relationship with my son who he takes on holiday with his wife a couple of times a year (he doesn't take my daughters as my middle is autistic and wouldn't cope and my youngest is a baby) We sometimes also all go to stay with him together as a family or he visits.
He has never had kids of his own but is happily married since I can remember to his wife who is also lovely.
My mother hates him. She hates him due to an issue regarding wedding photos when I was a teenager. It's do stupid it's the most trivial issue. But basically he criticised her. And she does not respond well to that.
I don't try and force them together she's allowed her opinions... but I do ask she doesn't bad mouth him in front of my children as its stressful and upsetting for them.
She's recently decided my uncle is responsible for my dad's death. He dies two years ago but this decision on her part seems to have come in the last month or so.
Sge gets very jealous when he comes to visit altho she is always invited etc
So when my son was last round there she kept telling him that my uncle had murdered my father (my son was also close with my dad) which obviously my son found distressing.
He came back abd told me this and that she wouldn't stop talking about it so this was when we decided he wouldn't go there alone and more.
However she also then repeated it in front of everyone despite me telling her to stop.
Then when my uncle visited to meet the baby she went online and posted "murderer" under every picture of him holding the baby on Facebook

AIBU to think this is totally unhinged and not acceptable?
I tried to be as calm about it as possible and spoke to her but the response was basically that she thought that so she said it. She basically took the stance that I was overreacting. She said she would keep quiet about it "if I liked" but I do not trust her to do this as she hasn't acknowledged how awful it was for the children or thar it was wrong at all.

She's now bombarding me with messages making out I'm being aggressive and mean towards her and I'm letting her down.

It's an absolute headfuck for me because I just can't believe that she thinks it's OK abd that I'm the one being nuts
She even said "I didn't know you would react this way"... I mean how could you not know that? I feel like I'm going md honestly and I just need a bit of external validation that this is in fact crazy abd it's not okay for the kids to be round her saying these things?
My DH obviously agrees with me

late stage MS can lead to brain changes I believe, but it sounds like she's simply becoming more herself and nastier and more unhinged.

Either way, whatever the reason, you have the right to look after yourself and the absolute duty to protect your children from someone so emotionally damaging and even destructive.

I hear you that you can't just leave her completely alone by stepping away, but you do need to protect your children from her. It's okay - it's a reasonable response - to simply state when she goes overboard that you can't stay here for this and if she carries on, you'll leave - and then leave. Then ring her after a week. If she's abusive again, leave it another week.

My own biological mother had severe BPD. I walked away from her after she tried to strangle me, then demanded I apologise for saying that it had happened (!). After 5 years we resumed occasional contact, and I'm glad, but I always kept visits to an hour max and if she started kicking off, I'd leave. She knew that if she wanted a relationship, she had to keep herself in control for an hour. I also never left the children alone with her.

How old is she op?
She sounds like she has a severe mental health disorder.
Has she always behaved this way?

OP you should get some counselling. None of this is your fault. It's all coming from her. You are definitely not being unreasonable!
Counselling will help you deal with this situation. Sending hugs x

I really feel for you. Her behaviour is awful she sounds very similar to my mum and it’s very painful to have such a relationship

some therapy may really help you, it’s very painful to have a mother who is controlling and doesn’t seem to want the best for you. To get to this point of accepting this is who she is nothing will change unless you change how you are in the relationship isn’t easy

you really need to set your boundaries, they are non negotiable and accept there is no changing her behaviour no matter what you say or do. The conversations end up hurting you not her

i am my mums only child she has no one has pushed all friends away and I feel I can’t completely go no contact as once again it would be me feeling bad. I have set very tight boundaries (she sometimes ignores) we talk every other week and see each other every 6 weeks. I have told her this is what suits me as I find out relationship difficult and she needs to talk with others no me about how she feels. She tries of course to tell me once again I am wrong but I remain firm

its not easy but has made my life so much more comfortable and I am happier

Oh god I know. I'm still on maternity leave tho and have a couple of months unpaid so I resent spending money on counselling lol its another thing I get angry in my head at her for... she has a much higher income than me and yet is always trying to borrow money or get me to pay for things. And so in my mind its like having to spend extra money on counselling because of her nonsense is just the cherry on the shit cake!
I have had some NHS mental health support due to postnatal depression an some cbt which was helpful. But I think I need ti work on self esteem and assertiveness and from what I understand that would be more something you'd pay for privately.
When I return to work I want to look into it.. but I already will be working nights to fit around DHs days and we have multiple young children. I'm also trying to loose weight and get healthy, so trying to fit in a 5km run 5 days a week.. also around my DH who is also a runner. No family childcare whatsoever.
So it's like spinning plates. Not sure I'll realistically be able to fit in counselling

You are right to stop seeing her. Now you need to block her messages so she can't get into your head and persuade you otherwise. She has a powerful influence over you and you are in the early (vulnerable) stages of breaking that, for your own and your children's good. Help yourself to stay strong by blocking her voice, for now at least. When you've built up more resources to stand up to her, if you would like to, you could resume contact you're comfortable with.

We went no contact with my mil because she was constantly talking about conspiracy theories, deliberately undermining my Dp regarding the children when he’d take them to visit and tried to give them distilled water by lying and saying it wasn’t after us saying no as it’s bad for their kidneys. I think unfortunately it might be best for you to do the same. If she’s not willing to take accountability for her actions it’s unlikely she’ll ever change.

My mum does things like this and has early onset dementia

I’ll say it once and I’ll say it again. Just because someone is family doesn’t mean you can’t cut them off. If you don’t protect your children now they will resent you in the future. If this wasn’t your mother would you allow children around her?
if it was me I’d block on all levels - cut contact with the children and yourself for a while. Make sure nothing can be seen on social media etc
Keep your family safe

“late stage MS can lead to brain changes I believe, but it sounds like she's simply becoming more herself and nastier and more unhinged.”

I agree entirely with this. I worked in health care, and depending on the type of MS and it’s progress there can be significant mental changes. Sometimes people can be unrealistic and unreasonable, sometimes a bit hyper. You’re not going to be able to reason with her because she may well not be able to reason properly. If you can accept that, it may make dealing with her easier - she isn’t going to change (may literally not be capable of change) so you have to put your and your children’s needs and safety first, and her needs come after that. Try not to feel too guilty about it.

She sounds unhinged and I would absolutely agree with your decision about the kids!!!

are these any potential memory issues or alcohol issues?

Oh sorry you were told that. It's absolutely not just for no contact or low contact people. It's for support with dysfunctional parents and toxic childhoods. So ignore what was told to you. I'm on this board and still see my parents. Although I'm trying to see them less and less but still.

Is this not the classic narcissist?
Centre stage all the time, plays the victim, doesn’t realise/care that anyone else has feelings. It’s a shit situation but you just have to do what you can to protect your children from it.

OP - if you work, does your work have an EAP? They can sometimes provide telephone sessions which may be a way to get some support for yourself. Look up FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. You may find it helpful.

Has she ever been tested for bi polar? It sounds to me to be more than just a personality disorder/mh/grief.

How old is she? Could it be the onset of dementia? I mean, if the behaviour really is different - if she was always someone who bears grudges over silly things for years etc but she's now accusing people of murder based on nothing, that's a whole other thing.