To have told my mum I'm taking a break from her and she is at risk of never seeing my kids again if she continues?

[Allwatchedoverbytrees]

I just can't get through to her. She never takes responsibility. Anything I say to her is met with explanation why it was right to do what she did or how I'm just as bad so I should let it go, or how I owe her so I should let it go.
She does a number on me psychologically so I always end up feeling sorry for her. She's sent alot of messages about how I'm mean and my kids are her life. But basically not addressed the issues in any way that I feel comfortable letting her see them again.
I already have gone from only letting her see my eldest unaccompanied (because he asks to go over there sometimes and he's 9 and confident and I know he will tell me if he's worried or unhappy about anything) my two girls don't see her unsupervised at all as I found her smoking inside next to my asthmatic daughter once.. I've also heard her speaking to my daughter in a way I don't like 'shut up' etc (these would possible be things I could get passed if she actually took responsibility for them and I trusted she took it seriously not to do them again)
My son went to her house and she said some awful things in front of him.. so I said to him I don't think you should go over there alone anymore and he agreed, as the things she said had upset him.
So I was going to leave it at that and only do supervised visits but not rock the boat by telling her this (I've spoken to her about these things before and it gets me nowjere)
However we went round there all together my husband included.. and her neighbours were there..and she repeated the things she said to my son that upset him, in front of everyone present including my young daughters.
We left and she then went online and continued.
The things she was saying were regarding my uncle who is my godfather. My uncle is a good man and since my fad died has really stepped up helping us in all sorts of ways
He also has a close relationship with my son who he takes on holiday with his wife a couple of times a year (he doesn't take my daughters as my middle is autistic and wouldn't cope and my youngest is a baby) We sometimes also all go to stay with him together as a family or he visits.
He has never had kids of his own but is happily married since I can remember to his wife who is also lovely.
My mother hates him. She hates him due to an issue regarding wedding photos when I was a teenager. It's do stupid it's the most trivial issue. But basically he criticised her. And she does not respond well to that.
I don't try and force them together she's allowed her opinions... but I do ask she doesn't bad mouth him in front of my children as its stressful and upsetting for them.
She's recently decided my uncle is responsible for my dad's death. He dies two years ago but this decision on her part seems to have come in the last month or so.
Sge gets very jealous when he comes to visit altho she is always invited etc
So when my son was last round there she kept telling him that my uncle had murdered my father (my son was also close with my dad) which obviously my son found distressing.
He came back abd told me this and that she wouldn't stop talking about it so this was when we decided he wouldn't go there alone and more.
However she also then repeated it in front of everyone despite me telling her to stop.
Then when my uncle visited to meet the baby she went online and posted "murderer" under every picture of him holding the baby on Facebook

AIBU to think this is totally unhinged and not acceptable?
I tried to be as calm about it as possible and spoke to her but the response was basically that she thought that so she said it. She basically took the stance that I was overreacting. She said she would keep quiet about it "if I liked" but I do not trust her to do this as she hasn't acknowledged how awful it was for the children or thar it was wrong at all.

She's now bombarding me with messages making out I'm being aggressive and mean towards her and I'm letting her down.

It's an absolute headfuck for me because I just can't believe that she thinks it's OK abd that I'm the one being nuts
She even said "I didn't know you would react this way"... I mean how could you not know that? I feel like I'm going md honestly and I just need a bit of external validation that this is in fact crazy abd it's not okay for the kids to be round her saying these things?
My DH obviously agrees with me

@Allwatchedoverbytrees I know it's far from easy to go NC. I know you say it will cause you pain. But how much pain are you suffering now - and how much pain are your kids being subjected to - by staying in contact? She will not change. I went NC with a family member 10 years ago. If you'd asked me even 12 months previously would I do it, of course the answer would have been no. But she brought me to the edge of a nervous breakdown and I eventually had to go NC for my own health and wellbeing. Just be careful. There are no prizes for staying in touch with someone who is clearly an abuser and very much not well 💐

Say no to your kids going there. Let them know she’s not safe to be around.

@Allwatchedoverbytrees make sure you set Facebook so only friends or specific friends can see posts, not friends of friends, as well as unfriending her. She sounds awful.

The spending issues hint at narcissism too - people with NPD often have debts etc because they believe they deserve all the finest things in life, even if they can't afford them. They're also unscrupulous when it comes to ripping people off (because again, entitlement).

She’s a narcissist op…and not even a covert one. Go and watch some Dr Ramani videos on YouTube.

You all need to be NC…you will feel so much better once she’s out of your life but you’ve unfortunately got a lot of work to do to get her out of your head. Might be easier with her being so unhinged though because it should be very clear that you’re normal and she’s insane.

You’re not unreasonable to want to have a break and protect your family. She sounds like a nightmare.

She sounds dreadful. It’s not you, and you are absolutely right to want to protect your children from all this as much as you can. I wouldn't let your simple be with her in his own, and if she started anything while you were all with her I would just gather up the children and leave immediately (or, if it’s in your house, demand that she leaves).

It does sound like she has MH problems and maybe she won’t change what she thinks, but she might learn that you won’t tolerate her talking like that in the presence of you or your children.

Autocorrect! Should have been "I wouldn't let your son be with her on his own"!

I very much doubt its dementia, she's being a manipulative bitch.
You are absolutely right to step back from her and only let her see your children while you are present, leaving the minute she becomes inappropriate

I woukd also block her on all.social media so that she can't post poison on your timeliness & you can keep away from her lies & drivel.

I woukd also be very clear with other family members that you don't want to hear about her online rubbish as you have taken steps back from it to protect your children and your MH

I'm so sorry. How old is your mother?

There could be so many things going on. You say she has come off morphine - I understand that's a treatment for pain, so so do you know what she had it for, or she still has the problem? Could pain plus withdrawal symptoms be driving her behaviour?

Depending on age, it could be menopause related. Or a dementia issue.

Or it could be a personality disorder. Or just her being herself. SO many reports on Mumsnet of mothers who are vile to their own children.

You could suggest a doctor appointment - but somehow I don't think that would go down well with her.

SO I'd be inclined to write out everything she has said and done, how that has impacted on your children, yourself and uncle.

Revisit it to remind you of the truth, the reality she twists.

Prepare simple statements to repeat whenever she acts like this.

'You publicly accused uncle of being a murderer. (Screenshots)

My son was horribly upset by that.

You keep doing things like this, which also upsets me.

Your own choices are why we don't see you very often.

Stop it."

And keep calmly repeating your statements like a broken record, to her and to anyone else she's roped in as flying monkeys.

If you can’t go NC look up “grey rock”. She sounds very much like my DM who we now think had a borderline personality disorder incl narcissism. I took the extreme step on moving hemispheres so only had to handle one visit a year! And then she died before her time, because she didn’t think she could get sick and ignored red flag cancer symptoms for a year.

stick to your guns OP, sending you strength.

Hi no it’s also for people in your position or in mine. If you had toxicity in your childhood that board is help for you too as it’s good to read that other people understand.

I don’t have proper contact with my family as siblings decided to start blanking me. Contact with my divorced parents is when I speak to them on the phone or visit them. None of the family will come to my part of the country or visit my home.

As for your mum just let her see the children with you in charge at your home. If she’s rude in anyeay ask her to leave. It’s up to her to stick to those rules or not see any of you. Children don’t need to hear rude comments about other people they love.

I'm so so sorry OP. From reading your OP, I'm not sure if you realise how bad things have got- I mean, this is really, really awful, not just to your uncle, not just to your kids, but to you. The fact that you have to ask if YABU makes me think that some level of awfulness is normalised for you, because of course, of course YANBU at all. Huge hugs to you. She sounds really bad.

If she's calling your uncle a murderer both verbally and in print on Facebook, surely that's slander and defamation of character. A solicitor's letter from your uncle's lawyer to that effect might shut her up.

Sorry, that should be slander and libel. (Defamation of character as well??)

I almost never say this. Cut her out. Totally. She sounds very dangerous.

“She even said "I didn't know you would react this way"... I mean how could you not know that? I feel like I'm going md honestly”
this sounds like classic narcissistic behaviour and gaslighting. I didn't know you'd react this way is not her acknowledging her behaviour was wrong but instead telling you that your reaction is wrong. Was she always like this when you were growing up? Did you learn to appease her? It sounds as though you've finally gotten to the place as an adult and a parent yourself, that you recognise narc abuse and aren't willing to stand for it. Im afraid there is only one remedy for narc abuse and thats grey rock. You will never win, you will never get the apology you deserve, she will never accept responsibility. It will always be your fault. You cant change that. You can only change the way her behaviour affects you and your family. Grey rock is the only option unless you want to expose your childeen to the same abuse i suspect you suffered as a child. Grey rock basically means block every avenue of communication, do not engage at all for ant reason. Forget they exist. It’s the only safe way forward for you and your family. May seem harsh but if this were a ‘friend’ rather than your mother they wouldnt be your friend for long because youd have kicked them to the curb long ago and never looked back. You dont owe your mum anything. She brought you ip because she chose to have you and thats her responsibility as a parent. You had jo say in it and you didn't ask to be born. I say that in the hope that you will understanf when i say this next bit……. You dint owe her any further explanation or even warning of what you're doing. Just do it. Save your time for people who actually care for you and your family.

She sounds impossible!
The reasons for her behaviour might be ones we could sympathise with (I'm not sure on that) ... but that wouldn't make her any easier to live with.

When considering what to do next - I'm glad that your children are top priority. They need to be protected more than they need a close relationship with her.

It is difficult to work out what the dead would want of us and where they would think that 'duty' lies. Although your Dad loved her, he also loved you and the children. He might well have thought that your connection with her isn't good for any of you.

You would not be unreasonable to completely cut contact with her and never allow her to see either you or your children again.

It would also not be unreasonable to report her slanderous and libellous allegations about your uncle to the police. She simply cannot go around (either in real life or on social media) calling someone a murderer.

She has multiple sclerosis. She's 64.
You are right and I do just calmly repeat the statements to her. It's easier now I'm an adult and surrounded by other normal people who can tell me she's being unreasonable.. but still deep down I feel like the issues are mine and I'd I tried harder or did so e specific thing, it might make her behave differently.

She's not been to my house for over a year due to previous issues where I snapped and told her she wasn't allowed in my home again. I do want to stick to that but I'm worried about Christmas. Last Christmas she wasn't in the country so it wasn't an issue.

Definitely don't allow your kids over to visit again - either supervised or unsupervised. That ship has sailed. They shouldn't be exposed to her batshittery.
If you want to maintain a relationship with her, that would be entirely your call but I don't think you need to bring your DH to see her either.

Those will be consequences of her conduct. At the moment there doesn't appear (from her side anyway) to be any consequences of significance.

You really can drop the rope and never speak to her or see her again. Just because you are the only child doesn't mean you are responsible for her. What would happen if you blocked her from your life? The sky will not fall in. You may have years of her toxic poison - is that what you want?

She is a nasty, malicious, twisted loser.

First of all, for safeguarding reasons you need to keep your 9 year old son completely away from her because she is causing him distress and is being totally obnoxious and absolutely no way should she be talking to her grandson in such a horrible way, she should be ashamed of herself.

Her son, can report her 'dody comments on Facebook or take screenshots as evidence and get the police to sort her out as her maliciousness will come back to her one day.

*dodgy