My girlfriend always tells me I should leave her - and I’m tired

[Ferrari133]

First of all, I love my girlfriend to bits. She’s having a bit of a stressful time right now, and we have argued a little. I can’t reiterate enough how this doesn’t change my feelings for her, and I am somebody who moves on quickly. She is somebody who lingers on things.

Almost every argument we have, or even minor disagreement, she will become upset and say something along these lines -
“why are you even with me”
”you should be with someone who does X”
”I want happiness for you and I dont think that’s with me”
”I’m a rubbish girlfriend, go find another”
”how nice would it be to have a girlfriend who does/doesn’t do X”

it’s upsetting for me because honestly, I feel like she’s speaking it into existence.
i genuinely think she believes it too - I don’t think she’s using it as a tactic, she has really really low self esteem and does get very upset when we argue or she’s stressed.

But honestly, it’s one thing I’ve said I hate, and she won’t stop doing it. I’m at my wits end and I feel like she’s speaking it into existence. How can I have a relationship with somebody who is constantly telling me who to be with instead? I want to make my own decisions on that.
We are 26.

Any advice appreciated. Thank you

This is really shitty emotional manipulation on her part. She’s guilt tripping you every time you argue.

She is obviously very insecure and is constantly seeking reassurance that she does make you happy, you don't want to be with anyone else etc etc. But no matter how many times you tell her, she will never stop needing that confirmation

The trouble is, unless she seeks help for this it will not change and will drain the life out of you.

Honestly, you're only 26 - life is too short for this malarkey. In answer to your question, you can't have a relationship with someone like this - not a happy one anyway.

I don’t think she’s manipulating on purpose - I think she’s very insecure and genuinely feels guilty each time. She’s definitely seeking reassurance.
That’s not to say it’s not unintentionally manipulative I guess

Don't be deceived. This is manipulation 101. Suggest you Google some of those statement, you'll find a lot more information on how to spot and how to deal.

Have a conversation with her and ask her to cut it out. Tell her how it makes you feel and ask her would would give her the reassurance she needs.

You're only 26. Life's too short for all that drama. Move on. Leave her to it.

Whether she is being manipulative or not that sounds exhausting, and it doesn't sound like it's going to improve. You have told her how you feel, perhaps you should tell her that this is a deal breaker for you and she needs to work on her self esteem and stop this constant negativity or you really will have to leave.

You can’t “fix / change” her.

Can you imagine living like this indefinitely? For years?

Consider ending the relationship. It’s not going to magically get better, just worse.
Best wishes to you.

I’m going to get flamed for this so I’m putting my hard hat on. I used to do this in my very early days with my now DH. There was no conscious manipulation, I just never felt worthy of him because I was so low on myself. After a while he told me how it made him feel and I agreed to stop using those words, I also agreed to a clean slate where I don’t let my past dictate my judgment of him. I slowly started believing in him and his feelings for me and within the year I was the most secure I’d ever felt. Twenty years later we’re married with two wonderful children and a dog. Not every insecure person uses it as a weapon; some of us just need a little help along the way.

She's doing it on purpose. I'd take her up on her offer, I couldn't be going out with someone who acted like that

Even if it's not manipulation (it is), but let's say it's self esteem.. then you need to counter with how you feel, and how her words impact you negatively, and how her actions and words impact your relationship, and that only she can work on her self esteem, and that you can support, you can remind her this self depreciation does no benefit to her or you etc. and that she needs to find ways to heal herself.

You're probably a "fixer", this will "feed" her, as she wants to always be the broken one you will always be desperately wanting to fix. It's very toxic. Call it out.

Here are some techniques for dealing with that habit.

In addition have a conversation with her about why you are with her and ask her to repeat it back to you. Ask her if she thinks you are lying. If she brings this up in conversation on an unrelated issue - remind her of this conversation -that she already knows the answer - and say you don’t want to be diverted.

www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/between-the-generations/202108/how-to-manage-difficult-feedback-from-your-partner?amp=

My boyfriend does this. Once he said it and I agreed. We split up and he said he instantly regretted it. We kept in touch and drifted back together and while he does still say it sometimes, I can feel a shift that he’s not testing me now, as he knows I can/will walk away. He genuinely wants me to be happy and because of his MH issues he doesn’t think he can make me happy. He doesn’t realise that it’s not his job, I’m happy anyway, with or without him. I’m just with him because I love him, whether he’s happy or sad, fun or in need of reassurance. Hopefully one day he’ll realise that I’ve been here all along, that he didn’t need to worry, but in the meantime I just laugh when he says it,

The difference being that OP already did have this conversation with their girlfriend and the behaviour didn't stop. That's quite telling that the GF is not at the point where she has your self-awareness. And that's a non-started for me.

it absolutely is manipulation. But OP, I disagree with other posters who think it's conscious. Lots of people who are deeply insecure can display manipulative, narcissistic tendencies and they genuinely don't see it.

Franky, that is a big part of the problem - because they are simply unable to accept that they have the problem and to do anything about it.

I suggest a very straightforward response, "I do not agree with this and have told you. But either you don't believe me, in which case, why are YOU in a relationship with me. Or you do believe me, but don't actually want to adapt or change your behaviour so are unconsciously turning yourself into a victim. Either way, this will destroy our relationship eventually. You should seek therapy and support to help you manage these feelings becuase nothing I say or do has ever had any sort of impact."

And just so you know, if she doesn't seek help, it will only get worse. Next you will have to call/text her constantly while you are out because she will be worried about you/nervous that other women are hitting on you etc. You will agree enthusiastically when she tells you she's off on a girls weekend and she will accuse you of not possibly loving her as otherwise why would you be so relaxed about it and not miss her enough. She will want to look at your phone just to "reassure" herself. You'll stop talking about colleagues at work because she'll be upset.

So nip this in the bud now. if she's got genuine insecurities, you will both be happier if she processes these.

The only question you need to ask yourself is can you cope with this behaviour for the rest of your life? If yes, then stay and help her to develop some self-awareness if it ever happens. If not, then the answer is to take her up on the offer.

Your girlfriend needs some help with her obvious MH issues. If you love her as you say you do, then you need to decide if that is enough to help and support her to work through her self esteem issues.
Have you suggested that she gets some therapy?

She’s is in therapy but in the early stages and it doesn’t seem to be having much of an effect yet. I just feel like the more she says it, the more she speaks it into existence

Well yes, it's called a self-fulfilling prophecy. She thinks you are going to leave her so starts acting in a way that pushes you away. Classic problem. Nothing you can do to change it. The work is all on her.

It sounds like she's very insecure and needs a lot of reassurance from you. This isn't something you can help her with unfortunately - she needs to work on herself. Has she considered therapy at all?

It doesn't really matter if it's intentional manipulation or not the problem is that it awful for you to have to deal with.
If it's unintentional that suggests she can't stop it and if it's intentional then that's obviously awful.

Life is too short. I'd seriously consider this relationship.

She is testing you by repeatedly pushing you away. I know it is her insecurity causing this but do you think you could do any more to reassure her that you do love her and won’t abandon her? She will take some time to trust you.
I recognise her behaviour as I was like that when I was younger.

Yesterday she said she would try really hard to stop doing it, and bring this up in therapy.
But she then started getting upset, saying the damage is done and “I’ll never see her in the same way”. She’s convinced she’s messed it up

If you still want to be with her then you need to be patient and give the therapy time to have some effect.
If you are actually tired of the relationship then you need to be honest and split up.

I personally think you need to be firm with her. You tell her if she carries on saying this it's over and the only reason it's over is because she is self sabotaging. It's a draining way to live, you can't put up with it forever no matter how much you love her. She needs to draw a line.