My girlfriend always tells me I should leave her - and I’m tired

[Ferrari133]

First of all, I love my girlfriend to bits. She’s having a bit of a stressful time right now, and we have argued a little. I can’t reiterate enough how this doesn’t change my feelings for her, and I am somebody who moves on quickly. She is somebody who lingers on things.

Almost every argument we have, or even minor disagreement, she will become upset and say something along these lines -
“why are you even with me”
”you should be with someone who does X”
”I want happiness for you and I dont think that’s with me”
”I’m a rubbish girlfriend, go find another”
”how nice would it be to have a girlfriend who does/doesn’t do X”

it’s upsetting for me because honestly, I feel like she’s speaking it into existence.
i genuinely think she believes it too - I don’t think she’s using it as a tactic, she has really really low self esteem and does get very upset when we argue or she’s stressed.

But honestly, it’s one thing I’ve said I hate, and she won’t stop doing it. I’m at my wits end and I feel like she’s speaking it into existence. How can I have a relationship with somebody who is constantly telling me who to be with instead? I want to make my own decisions on that.
We are 26.

Any advice appreciated. Thank you

Did I hear my name?!

Not much to add to the already (mainly) excellent advice other than to say that self sabotage/low self esteem is often caused by what we learn/are taught or what we absorbed as 'truth' in childhood. It is possible to change this via therapy which, contrary to what others have said, does not need to be long winded or painful - it's a subconscious rather that a conscious trait and the subconscious can change very quickly once it knows what it's doing is no longer helpful or necessary.

Thanks @Eyesopenwideawake, the voice of reason as usual 😀

It's so tedious when someone needs or wants constant reassurance and is always saying horrible stuff about themselves.
I know its lack of self esteem, but even so

Honestly, she sounds unbearably exhausting.

It is absolutely manipulative. The aim is to make you soothe and comfort her and forget about the argument.

You should consider pointing this out to her.

Or simply not allowing those tactics to end the discussion.

what are you arguing about?

Maybe you’re just not compatible?

My wife uses the exact same phrases you've mentioned (depression), so I know how you feel. It means you can never argue or question her because you're always on the back foot, and any issue gets turned into you trying to reassure and even apologise.

It grates on you over time. Don't be where I am because it gets to a point where you actually plan everything you say in your head for fear of upsetting her. In marriage, it gets worse. They'll even throw the divorce card at you as a top-tier manipulation. It goes something like "nothing I ever do is right, why are you even with me? I can't handle this anymore, maybe we just need to divorce."

You'll notice with what you've said there is that even though she's apologised, she's STILL manipulating you... "You'll never see me in the same way" is another way of saying she's done wrong, but now you have to reassure her that you still love and want her. You're now chasing her when she's meant to be apologising to you.

You don’t sound like you even like your wife, let alone love her. Why don’t you leave her if she is such a manipulative person?

Its possible she has such low self esteem she's self sabotaging, but also possible she wants out of the relationship but is finding it too difficult to say it straight. Women often feel guilty about ending it with nice guys. If this is the case, then she's telling you these things so you'll decide you want to leave of your own accord. It's a elaborate version of the 'it's not you, it's me, you deserve better' speech that men give when they want out. Either way, I think you should take her at her word and next time she says this tell her you will respect what's she's saying and leave. If you want to leave the door open, call it a break.

Consider couples counselling.

I was thinking the same.
@C1N1C why are you with her? The way you speak about her doesn't sound like you love her.

Another woman admitting I was like this in the early years of my relationship and am now happily married. It was never ever manipulation.
If she's up for changing it would be worth her looking up attachment styles and having therapy. Just understanding my attachment style and why I was the way I was made a world of difference and helped me move towards change. CBT also helped me challenging the negative thoughts that I wasn't good enough, no one could love me, he will not stay etc.

Just tell her again that you dont think its true, how it makes you feel and that you need it to stop.

Give her a book of positive affirmations or get her to make some and stick them up like posters. She does need to work on being kind to herself. Encourage her to do self care things for herself etc.