My girlfriend always tells me I should leave her - and I’m tired

[Ferrari133]

First of all, I love my girlfriend to bits. She’s having a bit of a stressful time right now, and we have argued a little. I can’t reiterate enough how this doesn’t change my feelings for her, and I am somebody who moves on quickly. She is somebody who lingers on things.

Almost every argument we have, or even minor disagreement, she will become upset and say something along these lines -
“why are you even with me”
”you should be with someone who does X”
”I want happiness for you and I dont think that’s with me”
”I’m a rubbish girlfriend, go find another”
”how nice would it be to have a girlfriend who does/doesn’t do X”

it’s upsetting for me because honestly, I feel like she’s speaking it into existence.
i genuinely think she believes it too - I don’t think she’s using it as a tactic, she has really really low self esteem and does get very upset when we argue or she’s stressed.

But honestly, it’s one thing I’ve said I hate, and she won’t stop doing it. I’m at my wits end and I feel like she’s speaking it into existence. How can I have a relationship with somebody who is constantly telling me who to be with instead? I want to make my own decisions on that.
We are 26.

Any advice appreciated. Thank you

Ask her how she would feel if you called her bluff and left.

That should open an honest conversation where you can tell her that you can't live with the emotional manipulation and she either stops or you will go.

i have a "friend" who does this - its soul draining.
In fact it's impacted our larger friendship group as now people don't want to come along if she is, or don't want to offer a lift because it's exhausting.
Run

She has messed it up. She's a manipulative drama queen, regardless of the reasoning behind it, and love is not enough to save a car crash relationship like this. You're 26, you should be mature enough to know it's never going to work. You've wasted enough time on this bullshit already.

No no no. You need to shut it down. On repeat, "I've told you it's fine, but it needs to be dealt with in therapy. I won't sit here and listen to you tell me what I think when i've already told you."

Does she have childood trauma? Often this behaviour stems from that and is then used as an excuse. rather than as something that needs to be worked through so that the behaviour can be prevented.

I feel so sorry for the girlfriend and I’d bet money on the fact that she is not being consciously manipulative with this behaviour. She has problems and the OP needs to decide if he loves her enough to support her. It sounds like he is looking for a way out and is blaming his GF for that.

Being with someone with very low self esteem is extremely draining. It's great that she's trying to get help but you can't wait forever. I'd give it 6 months max to see if things improve and then call it a day if they haven't.

Take her advice. She’s unhinged.

She's continually seeking reassurance
The cure for that is NOT for OP to keep providing that reassurance
The cure is for her to find a way to stop asking for it.

If you give the reassurance she will either not believe it, or will only believe it for a short while until something makes her need to ask for it again.
Providing reassurance is enabling the problem to continue.

Are you enjoying being 'needed' to this extent?
Because what will happen if she ever comes out of this? Would you need to find someone else to rescue? Or are you beaten down by it all?
She sounds quite damaged and as if she needs to do some work on herself before being in a relationship.
You can't fix this for her.

You are both so young.
It doesn't sound like it's working.
Why not leave and find someone who is not so damaged?
And if you are not there she will either realise it was just not the right relationship for her and/or she will do the necessary work to come out of this compulsive behaviour pattern.

Buy a PlayStation for playing games instead

I feel sorry for GF and think posters are being very cruel towards her.
Has she experienced trauma/abuse? I would not call this manipulation, if she genuinely feels unworthy then it’s a trauma response to push loved ones away.
When I felt suicidal I was convinced I was ruining my husbands life and told him he should leave me and find someone better who didn’t have mental health problem. I convinced myself I was at fault for everything and not a worthy companion for him. I grew up being told how useless I was, that I was stupid, I was physically and emotionally abused, you never fully heal from it and it’s hard to not feel like you are always the problem.
OP therapy will take a long time to take effect, it’s not easy to undo past events or the damage done to her self esteem.
My husband stuck by me, he offered reassurance when I needed it, he knew I was struggling and didn’t let me give up on getting better.
I appreciate it’s draining though, putting all of your energy into supporting someone. It is up to you if you feel like you are committed enough to her to try and work through it and I hope she is also committed enough to face her demons and come out stronger, I know how hard that can be.

Well said @PrincessSakura

It also might benefit you to look into reassurance seeking behaviours, my therapist gave myself and my husband information on this so my husband could support me in the right way and to ensure I stopped seeking it out.
It doesn’t mean he doesn’t ever reassure me but I am no longer constantly needing to ask him if everything is ok as we worked on the reasons why I felt I had to have reassurance in the first place.

It might be unintentional but it's not fair on the other person. I know a couple where one partner gets stressed about day to day life easily - they'll make a mistake, like burning the kid's dinner or buying the wrong size clothes, and will get worked up and start saying "I fucked it up, I'm sorry, I'm so stupid, I can't do anything right". Which then leads to the other partner having to constantly reassure them that no mistakes happen and it's fine just sort it out and work around it. When it's something that they genuinely should have done better and not just a mistake (they've been told half a dozen times what size clothes to buy) it means the partner can't express any annoyance or call them out on why haven't you listened when I've told you this repeatedly. That would make the "I'm fucking stupid and useless" worse.

Do you want another 60 years of this? She sounds exhausting.

Exactly. It's one thing if you're married and your spouse is going through mental health issues, you obviously help them as much as you can and you only leave if it's truly untenable. You are not married and you are not a rehab for damaged people. Run for your life.

Well, in a way she is right as you are fed up and tired with it. But it is her choice whether she continues to mess it up or to try and change. She needs to put the work in, and if she doesn't and continues with this, then I think you should rethink this relationship. A lifetime of this will not be fun.

My advice is don’t get co-opted into a conversation about her self esteem issues.

Whenever she says anything like that, keep yourself compassionate but boundaried.

Don’t say ‘yes I do love you’ or ‘no, I wouldn’t be better off with someone else’. Say kindly ‘you’re feeling really low on esteem again, aren’t you?’ or ‘hey look, you’re in that place again aren’t you, what can you do to feel better?’

Give her a hug for reassurance but then get on with your own life, thoughts etc - disconnect. Boundaries are your priority here.

Or of course leave and find someone who gives you energy rather than drains it!

I’d be interested @eyesopenwideawake perspective on this if she doesn’t mind commenting. I always find her input very helpful.

I put up with this for 8 YEARS. I thought the longer we were together, he’d see that I wanted him and only him and it would settle in his mind. Yeah, that never happened. You have firm words with her telling her it’s too much, if that doesn’t rectify it, it won’t ever change. All it does it just chips away at you bit by bit. Every time. Until eventually there’s nothing left..

She needs to stick with the therapy. Honestly, all these people saying its manipulation, yes it is but it can also be linked to a more serious mental health issue. Hopefully she gets the help she needs and you both have a long happy future together. But please try to put yourself first also, if she keeps telling you to leave maybe you should.

Yes, this.
From a 45 yo.
Screw that. 🪛

I think of this not as seeking reassurance so much as an expression of the pain she is feeling inside. Your reassurance wont have any long term impact because that isn't actually what it is about or what she needs. Was she like this before the hard time you mentioned? It's up to you if you can give her time to sort herself out but it can definitely be very wearing and tiresome. Just to say also that a behaviour can be manipulative while not meaning the person is bad or the intention is bad. She is just trying to push you to solve her pain, but you can't.

Great post.

It sounds almost compulsive. I once sat opposite a girl doing this to her boyfriend on a train. I was astounded at how much it spiralled up into ridiculousness. She just could not stop herself. Even when her boyfriend tried to calm her and pointed out that she was doing it again, she still couldn’t stop herself. I wanted to go across and tell her that she was driving him away, but he sat there patiently and calmly and took it all.

But I suspect he did just get to the end of his tether one day and leave her, as it was exhausting and stressful to just listen to never mind be involved with.

So my advice is that she get therapy and counselling, and that you try to stay detached and repeat the same ‘blocking’ sentence every time she says something like this, eg something like,”You’re doing this again. It’s not true, please stop saying it” then move away or do something else. This is what the poor guy I was by did when she persisted. It did help because she calmed down and became quieter whereas she’d almost been in a frenzied loop before.

She’s being really manipulative. By overreacting hugely to every disagreement in this manner she isn’t allowing you to express concerns or be heard in the relationship. She is training you to fear expressing discomfort or unhappiness in case it causes her to break down in this way. It’s a way for her to avoid ever taking accountability, under the guise of acting like she’s deeply remorseful.

If she isn’t willing to acknowledge that she does this and change her behaviour, you should consider if you can live with it or if it’s time for you to be free of the relationship.