Would you accept this apparent disinterest from DH

[Movingonup313]

This is my first thread. Ive been observing MN for years and love the varied thought out responses and advice. We live in UK. DH of 11 years and two children in primary school. DH has never ever planned a night out/cinema trip/holiday/play date/friends over/theatre trip/museum trip - so nothing. Lies in bed until I leave with children at the weekends and works late during the week. Pre-children (pregnant) I basically forced him to book holiday accommodation once(as in, I put my foot down and made clear it was beyond his turn) and he booked an awful place that we left early from. He will not give to charity. Nothing. Not even a £1 on dress down day - he says we shouldnt need charities and shouldnt encourage it. (Im disgusted by this and he did not voice this pre children or Id have been offski.) He said we dont need date nights as its of no interest to him. He hates suggestion of babysitter and says we should be sole carers. He doesnt want to socialise or be involved in the kids social development. I cant remember the last time he paid me a compliment - he is generally nasty and continuously critical of me. Our children have noticed how "nice" he is to colleagues on the phone but isnt particularly nice to the children/I and they ask me why that is - i told him this and he responded it was me planting the idea in their head (I didn't). We have no shared finances - I dont know his earnings (never have) and he picks and choses what he will pay for (which is well below 50% of family spending even though I think he earns more than me). (Said an ex stole all his money when she left so he wants to protect himself.) He creates a bad atmosphere if I go away for a girly weekend/arrange visitors/go out - to the extent ive not been out in years/stopped visitors and have 1 weekend away per year. I am physically disabled and he is particularly nasty to me about that - I had to be ambulanced to hospital a few months ago. At 5am I got the ok to go home - I couldnt get a taxi to come and he had turned his phone off so I couldnt ask him to come the 1 mile to collect me (i thought of trying to walk, in the rain, in my pyjamas and slippers). After an hour I eventually found a taxi and when I got home I was stuck outside banging to get in as he had locked the doors - and he was pissed off I woke him up. He never ever asks how I am - i had a funeral a few weeks ago and he didnt even ask how it was/how mum of the deceased child was/how I was after it. There were things I could let slide or I blossomed over for a long time but now Im utterly fed up of doing that and dont want my children to see this as in any way a healthy relationship. I did ask him to see a dr as I wondered if he was depressed but he doesnt believe in MH and voices that if you want to be well.... you will be (for the record I do not agree and challenge him on this..... im so done with challenging him on a lot of stuff.) Im leaving the relationship (he is making me move out as he sees the marital home as his and wont go - and I just want away. Children are coming with me. I have an appointment with a family lawyer set up). I have no other family. He isolated us from his family and told me to stop communicating with them. I suppose my question is, am I being unreasonable in wanting out?

Of course you aren't wrong for leaving.

You are allowed to leave for any reason and he sounds awful.

@Movingonup313 big handhold and hug. This sounds terrible you are not being unreasonable. What a mean, selfish man your poor children and you.

This is abuse what he is doing to you and you deserve so much more. See the solicitor and start planning and putting things in place.

It is really hard I have been in a similar marriage and we are now separated. You sound so strong and like you are doing your best. I know what you mean about changing once you have kids. My STBXH changed to a completely different person with completely opposite views once we had kids.

Stay strong and post here for support.💐

Good for you for getting out - you aren’t being unreasonable in the slightest. You’ll look back on this moment in years to come and you’ll be so proud you did it. Work through this tough bit and you’ll be so happy in the future without that drain! Best of luck!

He sounds horrible. This is your opportunity to role model a better life for your children and teach them that we do not have to stay in awful situations. Good luck.

Good on you for leaving.

I'd consult solicitor before leaving family home.

What's your plan for money? It sounds like you work.

Get as much info as you can before you leave on finances etc and where he keeps his money. He will get nasty but you deserve half

so done with challenging him on a lot of stuff.) Im leaving the relationship (he is making me move out as he sees the marital home as his and wont go - and I just want away

Although you sound like you're at the end of your tether, which is totally understandable, you would do well to consult a solicitor before you move a muscle. Why should you move out just because he says so, it's your home too, and your children's. He doesn't get to drive you out of your home, he can leave!

I hope you get the strength you need to get away. 💕

Wow. This sounds horrific. I can’t believe you stayed as long as you did. Get far away from him and take him for every penny you can. Get yourself a good solicitor.

And I’m sorry by the way - no one should have had to live the life that you and your kids have had to. You should look forward to building a new life and a strong support network. Try calling old friends or family - I’m sure they’ll be happy to hear from you and be there for you. Join some local groups and support groups. Get a good reliable local babysitter so you can have some childcare relief. Start building a new life. Good luck.

And please speak to a solicitor for advice before leaving the martial house.

Absolutely don't leave the house until you speak to a solicitor. He isn't automatically entitled to the house just because it's in his name. It's the martial home and your children live there.

You've held on this long, you can hang on a little longer to make sure you get everything you are entitled to from this awful person. 💐

Yes. I hear you but he will not go and I dont want to be around him more than I have to and dont think I have a fight in me. He has another furnished, habitable property that is unoccupied - he could live there but refuses to. (Its arguably too small for kids, pets and I and I couldnt manage the four flights of stairs from car park to apartment.) I do have my own income and can provide for children pets and I (pending my degenerative conditions doing their thing). I have accommodation lined up and am just sorting deposit and paperwork out.

I fully expect him to turn even more nasty (ive removed kids passports from the house as a protective measure).

I dont know if he can see what I do online - trying to figure out if he has some sort of access to my samsung mobile or laptop. A couple of years ago his search history was showing on my browser - it was weird. I asked him if mine was showing on his, he asked why I asked and I told him. After that his search history stopped showing (it was the google drop down list of previous searches). Im not tech savvy at all.

Thanks everyone for the comments. I think as move day looms I am doubting myself. Meeting with lawyer is coming up. If they said not to go I would maybe dig in a bit longer but I had some preliminary communication and told them my plan - there was no response which suggested I was potentially making matters worse by leaving.... or if there was, it escaped me.

I havent figured out how to reply without re-pasting the full quote.... just to say that the house is in both our names so its not even as if its only in his name (which doesnt give him 100% right to it anyway).

If the lawyer says do not go, you are stuffing up "right" to matrimonial assets then I will have a think. Im not even wanting half his assets - he can keep it and be miserable. I do want what is fair to keep kids comfortable.

If there was an order for maintenance or anything like that Id expect him to work overseas to safeguard his money or pay himself tiny amounts from the business so to avoid properly supporting his kids. (He has older children, who i didnt know about until recently - he did all he could to avoid paying any money (another thing I disagreed with him about) and has seen them about five times. Its horrible)

If he chooses not to step up for contact with the kids don't fight it. If he fades from all of your lives be grateful. He brings nothing good to their lives.

@Movingonup313

I'm not surprised by this, he sounds exactly the type to not pay for his children and lie about his assets.

Hopefully your solicitor can help you keep your children in their home and make him leave.

Wishing you all the strength and luck on your side.

@Movingonup313 you talk about "his assets" possibly because you've been conditioned over so long to be separate in so many ways including finances.

If you are legally married, then the assets are marital assets, not his or your's. The law starts from a position of 50 / 50 but then the circumstances are considered, who will the children live with, how they will be provided for, and the the 50/ 50 becomes whatever the legal process determines is the right split to ensure you, your H and the children are all provided for using the marital pot to finance that. The children's needs are paramount, so if your H shirks his responsibility and acts the way you've described, your financial award will be greater.

in summary, your assumptions really need to be informed by your solicitor as you sound as if you're walking away from financial provision that your children deserve and need, because you don't see the finances as being joint, so please be guided by your solicitor. They should protect your best interests and get the right financial settlement.

Remember that you've put up with his behaviour this long, so don't take any rash decisions now, at this stage, think longer term than that, for your children's and your benefit.

in summary, your assumptions really need to be informed by your solicitor as you sound as if you're walking away from financial provision that your children deserve and need, because you don't see the finances as being joint, so please be guided by your solicitor.

I am reading this and taking it on board. You are right - I am not viewing the assets as joint. Thank you - I will be guided by the solicitor.

I appreciate your analysis and taking the time to point all of that out.

@Movingonup313 and for goodness sake, stop telling him what all your plans are and what the solicitor says to you!!! change all passwords for everything and banking and take your laptop out of the house. get copies of as much financial things as you can, pensions, banks a/c etc all birth certs, marriage cert. etc

Please do NOT get sucked in to taking some shitty deal he offers in mediation because your lawyer makes some caveats comment like “a judge wouldn’t overturn this order” (ie it’s a bad but not totally shit deal)

Im not even wanting half his assets - he can keep it and be miserable. I do want what is fair to keep kids comfortable.

if you children are young and you are disabled MORE than half would not be usual or an unfair settlement. .you say you want what is fair but what you really you are saying in the above quote is “I’ll take the least I can accept” not “I’ll take everything I am entitled to”
thats frankly alarming
my mum did this. She fucked over herlself and her children to be blunt.
she insisted she had no fight, wanted out and didn’t care as long as she had enough to move on.

As a result she had to work until 67 and is over 70 and still has a mortgage. she MASSIVELY regrets it.

Please hang on in there… the question to ask the solicitor is “is this the best deal possible?” And “would you accept this deal/ is this deal fair?”

Oh my you need to get you and your children out! Make sure you get advice. He is a horrible man.

I am so glad you have made the move to go, please don't ever let him talk you into going back.
Also if you like his family and wish to contact them do so x

@Wallywobbles 100% what they said.

You know you’re not being unreasonable for wanting out. Who turns their phone off when their DW gets taken into hospital? I understand having to stay home to watch the kids but you’d leave phone on for updates!! He doesn’t sound like he makes you happy at all and doesn’t bother with the kids…. Your better off out of it

OP, please listen to me carefully because I do have some professional experience in DV. Under no circumstances you should attempt to leave now. The vast majority of femicides happen when a victim of DV (and this is what is likely happening here) happens when the woman decides to leave the relationship.
You need to first contact a women's shelter organisation and they will support you by helping you to leave in a safe manner. https://refuge.org.uk/
You may think he has never been violent and that he would never attempt to harm you or the children. Unfortunately, we cannot ever say if this is the case. Protect yourself by getting some support.
They may also be able to help you with legal advice. So give them a call today before you make any definitive steps like signing a lease or telling him of your plans.

You deserve more than half because you have the kids. I understand how you feel though. He is going to be really nasty and you would like to avoid that. Uts really sad

Exactly!. I hope he just goes away!