Would you accept this apparent disinterest from DH

[Movingonup313]

This is my first thread. Ive been observing MN for years and love the varied thought out responses and advice. We live in UK. DH of 11 years and two children in primary school. DH has never ever planned a night out/cinema trip/holiday/play date/friends over/theatre trip/museum trip - so nothing. Lies in bed until I leave with children at the weekends and works late during the week. Pre-children (pregnant) I basically forced him to book holiday accommodation once(as in, I put my foot down and made clear it was beyond his turn) and he booked an awful place that we left early from. He will not give to charity. Nothing. Not even a £1 on dress down day - he says we shouldnt need charities and shouldnt encourage it. (Im disgusted by this and he did not voice this pre children or Id have been offski.) He said we dont need date nights as its of no interest to him. He hates suggestion of babysitter and says we should be sole carers. He doesnt want to socialise or be involved in the kids social development. I cant remember the last time he paid me a compliment - he is generally nasty and continuously critical of me. Our children have noticed how "nice" he is to colleagues on the phone but isnt particularly nice to the children/I and they ask me why that is - i told him this and he responded it was me planting the idea in their head (I didn't). We have no shared finances - I dont know his earnings (never have) and he picks and choses what he will pay for (which is well below 50% of family spending even though I think he earns more than me). (Said an ex stole all his money when she left so he wants to protect himself.) He creates a bad atmosphere if I go away for a girly weekend/arrange visitors/go out - to the extent ive not been out in years/stopped visitors and have 1 weekend away per year. I am physically disabled and he is particularly nasty to me about that - I had to be ambulanced to hospital a few months ago. At 5am I got the ok to go home - I couldnt get a taxi to come and he had turned his phone off so I couldnt ask him to come the 1 mile to collect me (i thought of trying to walk, in the rain, in my pyjamas and slippers). After an hour I eventually found a taxi and when I got home I was stuck outside banging to get in as he had locked the doors - and he was pissed off I woke him up. He never ever asks how I am - i had a funeral a few weeks ago and he didnt even ask how it was/how mum of the deceased child was/how I was after it. There were things I could let slide or I blossomed over for a long time but now Im utterly fed up of doing that and dont want my children to see this as in any way a healthy relationship. I did ask him to see a dr as I wondered if he was depressed but he doesnt believe in MH and voices that if you want to be well.... you will be (for the record I do not agree and challenge him on this..... im so done with challenging him on a lot of stuff.) Im leaving the relationship (he is making me move out as he sees the marital home as his and wont go - and I just want away. Children are coming with me. I have an appointment with a family lawyer set up). I have no other family. He isolated us from his family and told me to stop communicating with them. I suppose my question is, am I being unreasonable in wanting out?

Well done for getting this far. I read your thread back in August but didn't comment. It's good to hear you are getting there.

Double check with the lawyer but I was in a similar position and moved out with the kids and she said it was ok - still had loads of stuff at the family home.
we had to go as his behaviour was getting more controlling and erratic and I didn’t feel we were safe.

we then put it on the market some months later.

stay strong, you are doing the right thing. Sounds like he will play dirty and be very difficult during the divorce process so brace yourself. But it will be so worth it.

Yes, I only collected the last few items at the weekend as new divorce proceedings were starting this week. He will be awful during the whole process as control is lost and he will be obsessing over the assets accrued during marriage which he squirrelled away. I never want to see him again in my life. I was worried about kids birthday and christmas - we had a wonderful time. He didnt even suggest seeing them on either day and then accused me of stopping him from seeing them??? I didnt stop anything - he chose not to instigate a plan. In reply to another post, i recently (briefly) updated his family on the circumstances. The general response, in line with their culture, was that husband and wife should work through the problems. That was no surprise. They didnt ask what the problems were etc. Ive read through the advice on the post. Everyone was spot on. Im very grateful.

This is good advice re money. Try to take photos of any bank statements or payslips you find.
Good luck op. You are doing the right thing to create a better life for you and your children. Stay strong.

Please notify the passport office of his threats to remove the DC and that you have their passports whilst a prohibitive steps order/it goes through court. This is in case he claims them to be lost and applies for new ones.

Can he get ones for the DC from his home country?

I am raging reading about this absolute piece of shit 'husband and father'
Who the fuck turns their phone off and locks the doors when their spouse is in hospital and doesn't let them back in? You wouldn't even do that to an acquaintance let alone a life partner. Bonkers mental.
You are 100% doing the right thing but definitely make sure you get what your children and yourself are entitled to and I echo others advice to contact women's aid.
I know right now you just want to run for the hills but in a few months time you will be in such a better place.
Listen to the song coming back to life by pink floyd. I was in a similar situation with my ex years ago and this song helped me finally leave.

He sounds absolutely awful. You must be a bloody angel and so strong for putting up with that for so many years. And I bet every single person here is genuinely so happy for you leaving. In the whole array of men there is actually a majority better than this ass hat and he sounds like he has no feelings at all. You don't want your children to end up with his views either so best to get out, good luck x

Oops, I didn't realise how behind I am and when the post is from. I will catch up on your updates - I posted in good faith sorry

You sound like a hero OP! Enjoy your new life 😁

@Movingonup313 so glad you all got away from that ghastly man - well done you, it’s not easy! Hopefully life will continue to get better, and you’ll have less and less to ‘input’ from him 💐

Put a flag/order on your children’s passports, I’m not sure exactly how it works but a more knowledgable person will come along or have a quick look online.

Very good luck with your future it sounds like you have been through a lot. Your line about it started when you were pregnant, it is actually a well known tactic of abusers, I volunteered in a DV setting a few years ago and was one of the first things they pushed home, it’s that or when people marry/ move in together when the change is most likely to occur.

The only unreasonable thing is that you have put up with this for as long as you have. He sounds utterly awful.

I can't ear even one thing worth staying with him for. He is toxic to you and your children. This is mental abuse.

Neither can I. I dont know why I did. It seems bonkers that I did. It wasnt like that from the start. Gradually worsened. Since my last post ive had to go to court for an interim order. He refuses to drop the kids home to me and causes all sorts of upset for them - also refuses to meet at agreed meeting place. Have had some "interesting" chats with mutual friends and I can see he has given them his side of a story which has turned them against me. Oh well... good luck to them. Kids are with me 7 days now and its much more settled - they were at his for 1 night and 4/5 hours per week - it was a carryon and stressful due to his unwillingness to commit to a plan/pick up/drop off. Im being supported by WA and the kids school is supportive too, as is my employer. Dont think the court "battle" will be straightforward as he tries to stall/divert/manipulate that to avoid the inevitable but I can do this and it wont be forever. And to top it all off a lovely, sweet, kind, caring and thoughtful man who admires me has come into my life. Im as wary and cautious as can be - and I have very little time for dating - but lovely, and an eye opener to what I have missed out on.

WELL DONE OP! I am so delighted for you!

Well done @Movingonup313 ! This is just the beginning of the free life you deserve. Before too long your time with him will be truly in the past and it will be like remembering a nightmare.

Delighted you have something positive to look forward to. Havng somleine else in your team makes all the difference when things look dire. Don't look back, you deserve this !

@Movingonup313 well done you - you felt the fear and did it! As for the ‘friends’ - remember the saying ‘the ones who matter won’t mind, and the ones who mind won’t matter’? You can state your side if you want to - but do you need to? All the best in your new life 💐

@Movingonup313

OP please delete your own browsing history, and like a previous poster said, don't give him the info on what your solicitor says. Can I ask what this "prince" was like when you met him? What an utter horror he sounds, it's all about him.

@Movingonup313
Apologies OP and all readers, I read the first page of thread and did not realise OP had already left, well done !

Far out @Movingonup313 , each post is worse and worse. This man is horrible. You will be well shot of him. Please do make sure you get every single penny you can in the divorce as it’s clear you will get nothing from him after. Do not play nicely, it will only be to the detriment of you and your DC. If you are not willing to fight him for your own sake, fight him for the sake of your DC. Good luck, unfortunately it sounds like you are going to need it.

You are doing the right thing to get this sack of shit out of your life.

Whoops, I didn’t realise this was an old post. Well done OP on leaving, it sounds like your life has greatly improved already, despite him doing his best to make life difficult for you.

Thank you for posting. He has got worse and behaved in a way I never imagined. I dont have anything to do with him and the kids have no interest in him (unsurprisingly). It's all in court and I patiently await the day that I receive matrimonial assets to make our day to day living a bit more comfortable. (I should have had him removed from the family home - things would be better now for the kids and I if I had done that. I should not have ever thought this would be amicable. I clearly had/have some form of rose tinted glasses on. )