To think people shouldn’t say “You look tired”

[Clementine22]

You know when it’s been a long week or whatever and someone says this, just why!! How is it supposed to be helpful or wanted?!

I popped to the shop earlier to grab some wine and chocolate, someone I know bumped into me and said “Hi, you look tired”

Im super polite so laughed and said “yep bad day”

But what I really wanted to say was “Cheers, I’m aware I look tired, it’s been a long week and I’m trying to keep my shit together”

😂

My husbands aunt told me I looked really tired on my wedding day. Right after the photos. I was quite upset! Yes, it had been a busy day- but I kinda hoped I was looking my absolute best considering I’d just had photos taken I wanted to keep forever!

It just reminds me of this!

I think that’s a great example of the miscommunication being discussed here - afterwards she acknowledges that the person is referring to her weary demeanour, not her physical appearance. That would always be my intention but I think given how many people take it to mean ‘you look shit’ then it’s best steered clear of.

my mum does this ALL THE TIME.
I can leave the house feeling pretty good about myself, and then BAM.... 'you look really tired!!!'

Jeez thanks mum... I look like shite then.... fab !

I wouldn't say it to a casual aquaintance, but to a friend, it's a way to open an are you OK/what can I do to help? conversation.

Yes, it's especially rubbish if you naturally have dark circles. It's telling you, you look rubbish.

Not picking on you, there are lots of these kinds of responses, but surely she was expressing sympathy and support, not criticism?

😆It’s a bit “you look like shit”… isn’t it lol.

I think the opposite. That people are acknowledging someone is tired is a good thing

I have a 2 year old who doesn’t sleep and a baby who sometimes sleeps. I get this often and my default answer is yes I am tired. I think it’s meant to be showing concern for the most part but certain people definitely mean it as a bit of a dig. Depends on the situation like most things.

It's rude and unnecessary and it doesn't come from a place of caring at all. That's just lazy rhetoric. People who get told they 'look tired' can't do anything about it in the moment and - correctly - extrapolate from the vapid comment that they 'look awful'. Just stop it.

If you want to show caring then ask how somebody is and then shut up and listen - don't comment on their appearance.

Why is that not blooming obvious?

Basically means you look rough.Rude

Exactly.

@OlympicBlue ,They're commenting that someone looks tired, not that they are tired.

I don't agree.
If my mum or my dh says 'love you look tired'. It's out of concern or sympathy and is an opener to 'yeah I've been up with sick dc all night' or 'I've been really busy with work'.

Equally if an acquaintance says it I would think it's a conversation starter. I try not to think the worst of people and not everything is a dig.

It absolutely does mean you have put on weight.

my mother in law said it to me a few months ago and then smirked. yeah nice

Uggh it's such a basic thing to say.

How are you? in a concerned tone is showing concern.

You look tired is an appearance-based put down.

My MIL used to say it all the time and she would claim she was "showing concern" but if you said it back to her she did not take it well.

Because some people are idiots.

Haha, I saw an old work colleague who I’m really good friends with but hadn’t seen for almost a year due to various circumstances. I saw her at our friend’s (also old shared colleague, we were a close group) wedding a few months ago and she said that my husband and I both looked ‘healthy’. I repeated ‘healthy?’ and we both (friend and I, husband didn’t hear) cracked up laughing. To be fair, we were both almost underweight and have put a stone on each so we possibly do look healthier but it was just the way she phrased it.

I overheard a ridiculous conversation on Saturday- Primark Manager and cashier aged about 19/20

M- you look tired
C- oh I can't sleep in this heat. I'm ok.
M- you shouldn't be out drinking till all hours!
C- actually I don't drink.
M- you don't drink?!
C- no
M- well... you should start!

I mean what a ridiculous thing to say!

@Coconutter24 @Lurkingandlearning it's true I am tired and look tired. I'm also losing the will...I am shopping for school shoes plus my hair looks shit

Depends on the circumstances and person. I ran into a friend recently who puts a lot into his work, a therapist. He said he was very busy with clients, almost too busy, and I, truthfully said he looked tired. He certainly wasn't offended. (He's now having a holiday from work.)

I wouldn't ever say it to someone because I know how it'd make me feel.

I read on MN about an excellent retort to this.

Someone's mother or MIL, I don't recall, told her she 'looked tired' everytime she she saw her. One day she'd had enough and snapped and said 'I'm not tired, I'm just aging and this is what my face looks like now so you'd better just get it used to it!' I thought it was a brilliant response.