To think people shouldn’t say “You look tired”

[Clementine22]

You know when it’s been a long week or whatever and someone says this, just why!! How is it supposed to be helpful or wanted?!

I popped to the shop earlier to grab some wine and chocolate, someone I know bumped into me and said “Hi, you look tired”

Im super polite so laughed and said “yep bad day”

But what I really wanted to say was “Cheers, I’m aware I look tired, it’s been a long week and I’m trying to keep my shit together”

😂

I've had it said to me plenty of times. I have very bad dark circles under my eyes.
More often than not it's a stranger who says it, someone who is just passing and says it in the moment. So to all those saying it's a conversation opener and they are concerned from me.- you're WRONG. It's a power play or a way to embarrass/belittle me. I wish people wouldn't do it.

It's bloody rude. When I had a newborn I went to have a haircut which was my first time leaving her for a few hours. Hairdresser came over and the first thing she said was "oh god you look exhausted!" She'd been doing my hair for ages and knew I'd had a baby. I felt so shit. Found a new hair salon after that.

I would say it out of concern for a friend, who I know would take it that way from me.

I would never randomly tell a stranger they look tired.

In that scenario, I'd take it as her trying to say you could talk to her about the exhausting first baby months. Not as her saying you look shit.

I definitely looked exhausted in those months. It was just a fact.

Even now, a guy at work and I have a joking competition about which of us with similar aged kids is the most tired. It could be me telling him I've had the worst night or vice versa, or him telling me I must win today cos I look like a zombie, etc.

Sometimes, it's just conversation.

This

I used to have a friend who would open every interaction with me with "you look absolutely shattered". I can guarantee that it was not from a place of concern as she would then just launch into her own monologue about herself.

I thought it was rude to bring up a physical aspect of someone that can not be changed in about 5 seconds? Stuff like food between your teeth, or skirt tucked into knickers.

I wouldn't mind so much if people said it when I'm really tired after a particularly difficult time or long night they're aware of, although even then it would make me feel bad about my looks.

What really gets to me is people who say it when I'm feeling bright and breezy, cheerful and full of energy.

It's basically a comment on someone's looks — a negative one, at that. Not nice.

Another one that pisses me off is, "are you ok?" as a greeting. It makes me worry I look like I'm not ok!

Yes, they should say it if they think you do look tired. It's a concerned comment.

I like it that people care enough to notice I'm tired. If they said it when I was feeling fresh as a daisy and thought I was looking particularly bright and well rested, then I'd be a bit peeved. But they're usually on the money and it gives me the chance to have a little moan about how very tired I am.

Jefferson fisher has a great response to this:

”coffee is on you then? I’ll have a cappuccino please”

This was what the person in my PP was like.. she would say it when I felt in a good mood and slept well.
She obviously thought I permanently looked like shite.. but there was no need to keep telling me.

It is rude. Literally no-one wants to be told they look tired. If the person asking is genuinely concerned they can ask 'is everything OK?' Or 'how are you?' Or even 'I guess you must be tired'. MIL used to tell me I looked tired when, having worked a full week plus commuting, we'd drive 5 hours to them on a Friday night, arriving at midnight. It made me want to turn around and go home again.

The problem with saying it even if out of genuine concern is that the person may not actually be tired. My younger sister gets told this a lot but she is perfectly fine, gets plenty of sleep etc, it’s just the first signs of aging (I’m the same but worse because I often am actually sleep deprived with it). It mostly happens when she’s not wearing makeup. I think it’s better to just ask how someone is if you’re concerned about them.

I don't find it insulting, especially when I am tired (which is often!). I find it validating and it makes me feel that the other person can see that I'm not feeling my best. I find it worse when I'm shattered and the other person says "oh, but you look fine", which feels like they're dismissing how I feel. But maybe I'm just being weird.

I am aware that some people don't like being told they look tired so only say it to close friends, and only then in a sympathetic way that hopefully shows that I care.

I'm glad I don't know some of you.

Still, it's better than "cheer up" or random swearing from strangers on account of resting bitchface, I suppose!

Something else mumsnet gets offended over?

This place is crazy!

I've just finished an 11 hour shift, I'm proud to say I'm tired, hope I look it too

@HelloMiss , what if you'd just had a week off, thought you looked great when you left the house, and your friend said 'Are you ok? You look tired'?

DPs grandma says it without fail if I'm not wearing make up, whether I'm tired or not. So what she means is 'you look like shit'

when my son was about 6 weeks old we went to buy a cot . The lady in the shop said “I hope you don’t mind me saying but you look awful” she turned out to be right . I was suffering with PND and had a meltdown a few days later . That lady noticed what my family and friends didn’t !

You sound tired 🙈😂😂

I'd probably agree with her!

Agree with this. I don't think I'm easily offended and wouldn't give it much thought but I would think it's rude, and I'm astounded so many posters think it's not. I suspect some people get told they look tired a lot simply because of how their face looks! It's horrible if to be told if actually you're totally fine, and as in the post above looking tired is often associated with aging, which generally isn't perceived as a positive either unfortunately. I bet men don't get told they look tired nearly as much as women.

😀 I was just about to say “but did you look tired?”

I usually experience it as caring, and feel ‘seen’! But I’ve learned from MN threads that it offends some so I’d never say it now.