To object to DD being taken on a weekend away

[Beckettstrousers]

I've (M, late 40s) been married 20 years, with the last 6 or 7 of these being as good friends who co-parent a child (10) rather than sexual or 'romantic' partners. We get on well, don't argue, and have created a happy and stable home for our DD, who has no sense that we're not more of a normal couple than we actually are. Nor do our friends or family. We socialise and go on holiday as a family, but also do both separately. It's not ideal, but it works just about well enough.

We've said to each other that if we wanted to see someone else* that would be fine, but that we will try to stay together for as long as we can for the stability this brings to our kid's life, and the pleasure we both get in parenting her full-time, and seeing her daily.

[*AFAIK, neither of us has actually done this.]

Recently, my OH (W, mid-40s) has become close to a single man who I don't know well at all but have met. She has 'feelings' for him. He's fresh out of a break up. They're currently just friends. He has a child a little older than ours, with whom our kid gets on ok - nothing special. He invited my OH and my daughter (but not me) to spend a weekend at his cottage in Somerset.

I objected to this because I didn't think it was appropriate. I had no problem with my OH spending time with him, given our situation: that was entirely her choice. But I was worried my daughter would pick up on any romantic vibes that may (but also may not) have been developing between them, and that this would confuse her. I also pointed out that if we ever did split up properly, and this guy was involved, our daughter might retrospectively reinterpret this weekend as a factor in the breakup of our household, and feel complicit or in some way involved. It might be a source of future resentment or guilt. We know we can't keep this up forever without letting our DD know more about our situation (my OH really, really does not want to tell her) but she's still v young and this would NOT be a good way to find out.

My OH feels I'm being controlling and overreacting to an innocent weekend away. So: AIBU?

If your dw has agreed to the charade of happy families she can't now change the goal posts imo.
Your dd isn't daft....

Your situation is quite strange - I don't think you can say that if you want to see other people that's fine, but then say that your partner who has feelings for a single man and you're not happy for them to spend time together.

I actually thing you're probably not modelling the best relationship for your DD, who at 10 isn't stupid. If you're genuinely concerned she'll pick up on "romantic vibes" on a weekend away then you should probably realise she can pick up on lack of that at home!

No YANBU. Tell your co parent that the agreement you could see other people does not involve your child meeting them and holidaying with them in some blended family set up. It's completely dysfunctional and inappropriate for your ex partner to take your child on holiday with a man she has feelings for, whilst pretending to the child that you two are still a couple. Quite strange that she would think this is ok.

I think you need to accept the co parenting isn't working and tell your child you're no longer a couple.

I agree with you. It's totally inappropriate and not what you agreed. I don't think you are being controlling at all.

I agree with you, OP

I agree with you

Believe me you are not modelling what a relationship should look like to your daughter. I'm speaking from experience.

I do agree with you that your DD should not be exposed to your wife's new potential relationship in this way though.

It all sounds a bit messed up to be honest

No the OP is quite happy for the wife to spend time with this new man.
The whole post is about how inappropriate it is to take their child on this weekend away with the new man. Which I agree, it’s miles off, and really peculiar that your wife thinks this could be ok.

I don't agree with the plan you have both made to stay together as a fake couple but if it has worked foe you so far without the child realising they are being conned ....

However the time has now come where your wife is not happy with the arrangements and wants to pursue her feelings for someone else.

Now is the time to make that split.

Yeah, I'm not really asking whether people agree with our set-up - that is what it is, and we both feel it's been better than the alternatives thus far. OUr DD is very happy. It's the holiday thing that interests me (though obviously I can see the two are linked!).

Now is the time to split as the existing arrangement isn’t for you both anymore. Best to end now on ok terms than for things to be really hostile and unpleasant which will be awful for DD.

And in terms of your current set up, then yanbu about the holiday.

YANBU to object to your DD being taken for a weekend away with her mother and her mother's boyfriend when your DD apparently has no idea that you and her mother are separated.

If you want to keep up the pretence of being a normal married couple, neither you nor your wife can reasonably expect to do so while also having serious relationships with other people at all, let alone introducing the kids to them. Of course your DD is going to realise there's something weird about going on holiday with her mum and her mum's 'special friend' when her mum is supposed to be happily married to her dad.

To be honest, it would be much better for your DD if you had just been open with her and separated officially but amicably and continued to co-parent her, like any other separated couple who stay good mates after they split. The deception isn't really OK and if/when your DD realises you don't actually love each other and are looking elsewhere, she's going to have a very hard time trusting you when it dawns on her that you've been lying to her for years. It's no way to model a healthy relationship for her.

When your dd is old enough to guess the charade she won't thank you for making her childhood a lie... Proven fact studies show...
If there is no affection between you then she won't learn about appropriate and healthy relationships will she?

In fairness to you at least you've both been honest about the setup. There are plenty of couples living like this who would never admit it to each other or anyone else.

However this totally is not the way to bring up a child. Either you separate and do as you like or you stay a couple. A marriage on convenience is a bit pathetic really and shows you'd rather prioritise things and what people think over feelings. This is no good for your child.

The holiday thing is only a problem because of your set-up, though. For any normal divorced couple, one parent introducing a child to their new partner wouldn't actually be an issue.

Fine for you and your wife to go out on dates etc without your daughter's knowledge, but the set-up you've got isn't compatible with long-term relationships and introductions to the kids. You either need to split like a normal couple would and openly move on so that your child knows the score, or agree that any 'relationships' are kept totally apart from your child. Your wife (or you) can't have it both ways.

Yes agree with this. She is just going to realise soon and it could well mess up her teenage years

I think this is one of the problems with your arrangement to play act a marriage - it only works (ish) until one of you meets someone else.

Also, i agrée with a pp that you aren’t modelling a healthy loving relationship to your child, much as you think you are.

I just don’t think it works.

Maybe this new “friendship” your ex wife has is the catalyst that was needed for things to change.

As will anyone who posts in AIBU, you have to accept that sometimes you get answers to the real question that needs answering, not just the question you want to pose.

Sounds like current set up means seeing other people ok but not a blended family situation.

Ask wife what she plans to tell dd? Why are they going away with some man and dad not coming??

It does signal the end of current set up though if she wants partners to meet dd. (That said nobody should be introducing partners so quickly even after split!)

She can't have it both ways of keeping up appearances to dd and family and enjoying benefits of 2 parents in one house and also have family life with anyone else.

Yeah, if she has ‘feelings’ for him then this weekend away is very very ill advised.

If you were in a traditional divorced co-parenting set-up, ideally any kids wouldn’t meet new partners until the relationship was established. In this case you’re still several steps even BEFORE this stage. It’s totally not cool.

It's not been an issue thus far because neither of us has had a relationship outside the marriage. And this guy isn't a new partner. But I agree that if we're going to eke out a few more years, and if other people do come into view for either of us, then we'll need to have those relationships entirely separate from DD, and will also need to move towards either separating properly or resolving our issues.

The holiday thing is just an example of how tricky that all will be. I just wanted to do a sense check that I wasn't being a total arse about it.

For now, the studies I've seen suggest that staying together has the best outcomes for the kid so long as the atmosphere isn't vile, and we all have fun together. As someone else says, we're much like a million other families, only we've admitted it.

I agree with you OP.

You and your DW have agreed that you can spend time with other people, in essence an open relationship. This is discussed as an option on this site for couples for various reasons on a fairly regular basis. You're both on the same page, great. I'm not sure I could do it but I can see situations where this might make sense.

However, this under no circumstance should have anything to do with your child? Your DW should know that. The same way it wouldn't be an option for you and a close new female friend. I would put it like that to your wife.

The silly thing about this is that if you’ve just split up properly when DD was 3/4 she wouldn’t have remembered any different. Now you’re going to split up riiiiiight when hormones hit, she’s going to find out you’ve been living a lie and she’s never going to trust a relationship. Hope you’ve put some money aside for her therapy, she’s going to need it

You're probably reaching a sell-by date on the current arrangement. If either of you starts a romantic relationship and keeps it separate from DD/family - what happens if it becomes serious and you split? New Man/Woman is introduced and all of a sudden x number of years of lies come out. One of you will randomly be telling a story about going to Cornwall for the weekend and all of a sudden DD will realise it happened 2 years ago and involved New Man/Woman.

Can you tell I speak from experience?!

I think the development of this man on the scene needs to prompt a rethink or at least a very serious conversation about how this works as DD grows up and so becomes more aware. And also how you'll handle any potential new partners, because it sounds like the status quo isn't working any more.