To object to DD being taken on a weekend away

[Beckettstrousers]

I've (M, late 40s) been married 20 years, with the last 6 or 7 of these being as good friends who co-parent a child (10) rather than sexual or 'romantic' partners. We get on well, don't argue, and have created a happy and stable home for our DD, who has no sense that we're not more of a normal couple than we actually are. Nor do our friends or family. We socialise and go on holiday as a family, but also do both separately. It's not ideal, but it works just about well enough.

We've said to each other that if we wanted to see someone else* that would be fine, but that we will try to stay together for as long as we can for the stability this brings to our kid's life, and the pleasure we both get in parenting her full-time, and seeing her daily.

[*AFAIK, neither of us has actually done this.]

Recently, my OH (W, mid-40s) has become close to a single man who I don't know well at all but have met. She has 'feelings' for him. He's fresh out of a break up. They're currently just friends. He has a child a little older than ours, with whom our kid gets on ok - nothing special. He invited my OH and my daughter (but not me) to spend a weekend at his cottage in Somerset.

I objected to this because I didn't think it was appropriate. I had no problem with my OH spending time with him, given our situation: that was entirely her choice. But I was worried my daughter would pick up on any romantic vibes that may (but also may not) have been developing between them, and that this would confuse her. I also pointed out that if we ever did split up properly, and this guy was involved, our daughter might retrospectively reinterpret this weekend as a factor in the breakup of our household, and feel complicit or in some way involved. It might be a source of future resentment or guilt. We know we can't keep this up forever without letting our DD know more about our situation (my OH really, really does not want to tell her) but she's still v young and this would NOT be a good way to find out.

My OH feels I'm being controlling and overreacting to an innocent weekend away. So: AIBU?

How long has she been 'seeing' this man? Or friends with or whatever?
Because the considered standard for a lone/unattached parent, is to wait at least a year (or thereabouts) before introducing your DC to new partner.
Obviously some people don't bother but I (& a lot of people) think it's irresponsible not to wait as long as humanly capable, as you cannot possibly know a new person well enough to be around your child within a few weeks/months. Not only that, but this also prevents your child becoming involved at all, should the relationship end before it becomes serious.

Think of it this way. If you'd split properly and you had a 'normal' co-parenting setup then would she still have not only introduced the child to this man so soon, but also be taking the child on a holiday with him!? I sincerely hope not!

Your current domestic set up isn't hugely relevant (besides the point you made about causing your DD confusion and possible guilt of course). This is more about what is/isn't best for the child and I agree, this ain't it!

I actually wonder if your relationship dynamic is a bit of a red herring here.

It just is not appropriate for your wife to involve your daughter in time she spends with a potential romantic interest. If she were single this might be more obvious but it applies all the same. The relationship situation obfuscates this truth because it encourages "woolliness" around the boundaries of her relationship with this man. But at the same time it increases the potential for damage to your daughter.

It seems absolutely clear to me that any potential other relationships, however tentative, are conducted away from your daughter's eyes. People who fancy each other often aren't nearly as discreet as they think they are.

@ImustLearn2Cook If they really were 'just friends' then do you honestly believe she would be even considering going to his holiday cottage with him with her daughter in tow?! They're obviously quite well established for this woman to have introduced her DD to him already!

I’ve gone on holidays or weekends away with friends male or female. So yes.

Is there any reason why you think men and women can’t have platonic friendships?

Is there any reason why you think men and women can’t have platonic friendships?

But as the wife has said she has feelings for this man it's no longer platonic.

What @MoonAndStarsAndSky said.

I think you're maybe being a little naive about your wife and the new man though - they may not yet be involved but she definitely wants to be and by the sounds of it so does he, so it really won't be long I would bet.

FWIW I don’t know one way or another whether this woman’s relationship with her male friend is platonic or romantic from what the Op has pp. It could be one or the other.

If it is romantic and he is a potential new partner then I am of the opinion that a parent should wait approximately a year before introducing their children and only if the relationship is committed and has a future.

However, I am also of the opinion that it is healthy for men and women to be able to have platonic relationships with the opposite sex. And children meeting their parents friends does not contain the same issues as meeting romantic partners.

Has she actually said that she has feelings for this man? Or is this just what the Op thinks, based on his perception of their friendship? I asked earlier in pp, the Op hasn’t come back to clarify. And it isn’t clear from pp.

I try not to operate on assumptions and try to be balanced and objective.

From the Op he has stated that his wife and this man are currently just friends and a pp he stated that his wife said that this was an innocent weekend away. He hasn’t pp anything that describes them being in an intimate or potentially intimate relationship yet. If he came back and posted more information about what he has seen in her actions or their interactions that give him a reasonable suspicion that this is a budding romantic relationship then that would be different.

She has feelings for him then its entirely inappropriate for her to be away with him for the weekend. Its not fair on dd and its blurring boundaries for dd.

It seems like it might be time to have a conversation about officially splitting up. There's no harm in you both living in the same house if you have rules and boundaries

Even if she can control thr romantic vibes now, the partner is not thinking straight nor prioritising dd. If she came out in a relationship later then the dd will remember this holiday as playing happy families with her mums other partner, with her df unaware at home. That’s shitty. Yanbu.

I think your set up is fine as long as you are all happy. This site is full of awful posts about blended families and women struggling having left a relationship. Sometimes that's necessary but there are no easy options here. I agree with you OP that your ex should go alone. It's far too early to introduce a new partner to your daughter. I also agree with posters that if your ex wants this then the time has come to end the current set up. If she's happy to keep this separate then things can stay as they are for a while. She can't have it all ways. Good luck OP

She's bringing your daughter into a relationship that hadn't even started yet. It's not OK.

Agreement’s like yours work really well when it’s hypothetical but when emotions and desires come into play, the ‘nobility’ of the endeavour goes out the window.

So what’s the plan? Ban her from taking your DD to stay with this man? How would that work? Are you being controlling? Yes you are. Is your wife being disingenuous? Absolutely! You either accept that your wife clearly sees your ‘arrangement’ differently and renegotiate, or accept that the agreement was great while it lasted and move on already.

On a side note, I don’t believe that this arrangement is for your child. It sounds like that neither of you, understandably, want the comfort and convenience of your cohabitation to end. As soon as one of you gets a better offer. you’ll be off and the nobility of staying together for the child will be cast away. Official separation would bring clarity for all because at the moment your wife is trying to circumvent an agreement that you’re desperately trying to hold her to, all the while your child is in the dark about the supposed happy family she is a part of. ‘We did it for you darling’, is a terrible burden (even if she doesn’t know it yet) to place on her. Your current ‘dilemma’ exposes the lie that all is well bar the shouting.

Do not go down the rabbit hole of trying to hold your wife to an arrangement by policing her relationships and how she chooses to conduct them. If this arrangement requires policing then it isn’t as solid as you thought it was.

Your DP wants to move on.

Accept that or break up.

I agree with the majority of responses - in your current set up you are not being unreasonable to object to this.

I think your daughter is old enough (if she is NT) to understand if you and your wife publically split and continue living together - you don't have to give up the strong co-parenting relationship under one roof immediately.

Well it doesn't sound like your DP is happy with the arrangement if she's wanting to take it to another level.

Just end it. It's such an old fashioned way of thinking that kids can't cope with divorce, 50% of kids have divorced parents. My DS included who has had a great life and plans to study a medical degree at university.

yanbu. You have an agreement that you can see other people but there’s no reason to include your child in that whatsoever. Sounds like your wife’s feelings for this man are clouding her judgement. It may be time to discuss whether the current arrangement still works for you both- perhaps your wife wants to be free to pursue a relationship with this ‘friend’. Even then, it would be too soon for your child to be spending weekends with him.

You have said that children of non-separated parents have better outcomes.
I hope this doesn’t come across as judgemental but I suspect that the poorer outcomes result from a non-amicable relationship between parents. My justification for this is having two loving homes rather than one shouldn’t make a massive different to academics/health etc in my opinion (and experience). As you’ve made the decision to co-parent living in the same house I believe you’d be amicable co-parents living separately & so outcomes of your DC wouldn’t be impacted so much. It sounds like things are becoming more strained & that is where things may become less amicable. I think tensions could cause the co-parenting relationship to break down (whether you stay living together or not). It feels like you need to reassess the situation & have a good discussion about it. I agree with others that it might be time for you to separate and if not then your W will confuse things by taking DC away with a potential love interest. No problem with W going away on her own with the guy but not with kids unless you separate properly is my view.

Your set up is so unbelievably unhealthy, I have no words for it. It may be working for you because you can’t be bothered to make some tough decisions, but you’re not doing your daughter any favours lying to her about her family and childhood. Vile.

The holiday is definitely not a good idea.

This is one of the consequences of your arrangement, there are sacrifices that have to be made.

Does she want your joint sacrifice to blow up badly?
If not, then she needs to see that this is not controlling but being protective of your charade.

It's funny but if the home atmosphere is happy, relaxed and kind, children and teens can be very very oblivious to their parents relationship.

Teens are happily self obsessed and primarily interested in their peers and social life.
Once they come home to a happy loving home, they invariably do not look beyond that.

Just a word of caution though.
My son friends parents split up shortly after he left for university and it emerged they had stayed together for him.
He took this very hard and felt happy times and happy memories were tainted.
It really impacted negatively his first year at Uni and he was involved with mental health services, who were great.

Things have settled down now thankfully.
I met his mother, whom I wouldn't know well, but she knows that I probably know a lot of what has gone one. She said she and her lovely Ex husband BITTERLY REGRET it ever emerging that they had remained together for him.

It was her sister that was overheard mentioning it by her son to someone.

So be careful is all I would suggest.
Good luck.

YANBU, go and have your shagathon weekend, no probs. But you don't involve your 10yo child. If she wants to introduce other romantic partners into your child's life then you need to fully separate and then give the child enough time to come to terms with their parents separation before beginning to introduce new partners.

Her romantic partners absolutely should not be involved in her child's life at this stage. And it's not even a relationship. Even if you were fully separated it would be incredibly irresponsible to introduce her child into this barely fledging romance.

While I understand your sentiment, can you honestly say that if a woman were posting this about her husband going away with a female friend that you would say the same? Even if he said it was platonic but the wife felt uncomfortable and that there was more to it? Would you say he was entitled to take their child away in that circumstance?

If you can then that's great but I just can't see it being the case.

If the wife was cohabiting with husband but they no longer consider themselves a couple then yes, I would.

My dd’s dad took our daughter away with his platonic female friend. We have an agreement not to introduce dd to people we are dating or new romantic partners until after a year if relationship is long term.

Op has claimed that they are remaining living together for their dc and are no longer a couple. If they were not living together he would not be able to stop her taking their dc away with this friend and his dc.

Which is probably why most pp are saying this arrangement isn’t working.

Also, I have had many platonic male friends throughout my life that haven’t ended up being romantic. I never begrudged any of my partners including the father of my dc from having friendships with women. And I would expect the same for myself.