To think people's response to Dad's caring for DC is completely different to Mum's

[Lucyfoot]

I had a hospital appointment yesterday. I was very early because you have to allow so much time to get parked so had plenty of people watching time in the waiting room.

There were several people there with children, mostly because one child had an appointment and the parent needed to take the others. Most of there parents were women, but one man.

The women, looked stressed, tired, hot and bothered, but doing a good job of having DC sit and wait nicely etc.

The man came in beaming with three beautifully behaved little boys, he was doing a good job, kept them chatting, made sure they'd all been to the loo etc. However, two older ladies told him how wonderful he was, and during his appointment a nurse (HCA?) brought the DC , who weren't being seen, out to the waiting room to get water.

None of the women were complimented or helped like this.

OMG where did those apostrophes come from?!

The nurse probably brought the kids out because there was some private or unsuitable for them to be in the room for?

Twice this week my DP has been stopped in cafes by older ladies who said how nice it was that he was drawing with our DD. One of them even paid for their drinks!!

I can't remember the last time I was congratulated for entertaining her.

I think the key would perhaps be that it was older ladies who made the comment? Depending how much "older" they are, they might be from the time when men barely looked at children until they were adults, so to them it's more impressive?

Yes it happens all the time. I've seen so many helped or praised by others when they are just with their children and complimented. Women rarely get the same positive treatment. The bar is so low for men to be considered a good dad.

Yes this ,you have no idea what was happening in the consultation room
Maybe the Dad ,was getting some upsetting news.

I agree OP. When we were kids Dad used to take us away occasionally when my Mum was studying or working.

The fuss / attention / sympathetic looks a man with 4 kids got in any restaurant or cafe was hilarious.

Ha Christmas tree gate when my kids at primary. Every year a group of dads put the large Xmas tree up and decorated the hall with ladders. Then they’d go for a beer after. Took say 90 mins out of one evening . The fawning! Named in the newsletter etc all the women doing the hundreds of Christmas primary school drudge jobs - nada recognition whatsoever!

Remember fil saying to Dh as he made a curry “how did you learn to do this then?” Fil
is waited on hand and foot he’s never made himself so much as a sandwich mil does EVERY THING. Even the kids have noticed it. But he drives and occasionally paints the hall so that’s fair 🙄

It reminds me of this song

It’s shit isn’t it - we mums are just ‘expected’ - but when dads do it - they get Oscar awards.

This definitely happens. My DH was a SAHP when our children were small and got far more offers of help/comments on what a great job he was doing etc than mothers doing the same. Every specific example could be explained away as someone who happened to be extra kind and would have done the same for a woman, or a specific circumstance where he needed help etc, but it happened very frequently.

Also, when DH was the SAHP I was frequently told how lucky I was to have a husband who would look after the children so I could focus on my career. He was congratulated on doing such a great job and even managing to cook meals etc. Female friends who were also SAHPs seemed to be told how lucky they were to be able to have 'time off' to enjoy their children. I never heard any of their husbands being told how lucky they were to be able to concentrate on work.

I agree on one hand…
my husband basically had a parade thrown for him because he took our baby for one set of jabs 🙄

but on the other…

If I look one generation back. Dads I knew in the 80s and 90s were mostly mega hands off. A lot sat and stared at the tv f1, football etc on a Saturday day and even the ones that were “involved” were less involved than my DH is and his peers one generation on.

I kind of think if we as women want men to step up and be more active, involved, present parents, then we as a society should be giving them some kind of positive signalling ie. praise and encouragement…vs a “you should be doing this anyway you lazy bastard” type response 😅

I love to see men happily spending time with their kids because I believe that joint parenting is the natural order of things, but lots of threads on MN show that plenty of people, including women, think that ‘women are the natural carers’. No, both parents have the responsibility and it should be normal for men to care for their offspring.

I think the key is to call out or shut down the sexist fawning. But until joint parenting is considered the norm, you’ll always get numpties sucking up to the patriarchy.

I had to knock that way of thinking out of a colleague (not literally, I’m mean but not that mean!)
She commented on a Dad who will come in with his son and just buy a coffee and milk and be on his way. Nothing out of the ordinary at all. After serving him she went on to say to me about how he’s such a good dad, well done him etc etc. I pointed out that he’s just buying coffee, we serve hundreds of women who do the same but they don’t get fawned over!
However, we mutually agreed that instead of being negative about it we spent the rest of the day treating and talking to the mum’s how a dad on his own would typically be treated. We even had some feedback later in the week from head office to say that on a day where this woman was struggling, our kind words gave her a much needed boost. So it turned out to be a pretty positive week!

Not a stealth boast but, I have been praised (as a woman) quite a few times for e.g. reading to my children on the train/plane etc. This was in a foreign country though and I have an accent (English) that Americans in particular really like. Randomly another time, when I was having a bit of a difficult day, someone came up to me and said "you're doing a great job" - I think they probably said it because I was clearly stressed with the kids. But it did make my day.

So in conclusion - we shouldn't praise dads less we should praise mums more because it is a nice feeling.

@AmazingBouncingFerret Exactly!!!

It's a sad reflection of society that dads being a parent is still seen as an achievement and not the norm.

I suppose it’s sexism based in what we see around us: we know that broadly, most men aren’t particularly interested in small children or caring for them - few men want to work in childcare, in primary education, in roles which involve children such as children’s social work or healthcare etc, and it’s fairly uncommon for a man to be the driving force in his relationship about having children - how many MN threads are there about women with husbands who don’t want any / another baby compared to women whose husbands are the ones nagging them for one?

So when we see men actually wanting to be around children, or to be involved and hands on fathers, we tend to react in either one of two ways: that they are amazing and to be celebrated for it, because it’s so unusual to see; or that they must have an unhealthy interest in children.

It is ridiculous. My Dad's wife called my partner 'so maternal' as he took one for a nappy change at dinner. (amazing she knew what the word meant as she was a very unpleasant woman).

In my experience- yes - you get a lot more praise as a dad with kids. I found it quite patronising, however well intentioned.

The only real exception I’ve seen - also driven by sexism - is stay-at-home dads, who tend to be sneered at and excluded from the mother’s circle once they’ve figured out he’s not one of those “brave“ single dads.

On the flip side, my husband got grief from the health visitor when he took our youngest for his check up. She couldn’t comprehend that the dad was equally a parent and could (and should) answer any questions about the child’s development. At two, the state of my vagina and boobs were no longer relevant, so what does it matter which of us goes?

No, that will be once they've figured out he's taken 😆

My poor dh would feel left out as he has never got any compliments 😅. He is such a hands on dad and my dc come to us equally for anything. I haven't notice this myself but I can believe it.