To think people's response to Dad's caring for DC is completely different to Mum's

[Lucyfoot]

I had a hospital appointment yesterday. I was very early because you have to allow so much time to get parked so had plenty of people watching time in the waiting room.

There were several people there with children, mostly because one child had an appointment and the parent needed to take the others. Most of there parents were women, but one man.

The women, looked stressed, tired, hot and bothered, but doing a good job of having DC sit and wait nicely etc.

The man came in beaming with three beautifully behaved little boys, he was doing a good job, kept them chatting, made sure they'd all been to the loo etc. However, two older ladies told him how wonderful he was, and during his appointment a nurse (HCA?) brought the DC , who weren't being seen, out to the waiting room to get water.

None of the women were complimented or helped like this.

Of course. Men are heroes for doing basic parenting and even then, the standards are so very low.

But is it really praise? It seems more like surprise that they are even capable of basic parenting, which is a little bit insulting when you think about it.

That's a good point actually.

Dads doing these things is still predominantly the exception, in my experience. At every gym class, medical appointment, sports day, school production, during-school-day meeting and activity, it is still predominantly the mums who are there. Sometimes it's both parents. But it's always the mums, and usually on their own. That's why people, whatever their age, continue to comment on it - because it's still unusual to see men at these appointments. Women still do the lion's share of life admin in relation to these activities, too.

Our primary school put on a 'dad's morning' and had the CEO of the academy group come to talk /./ The women asked where their morning was

There was a MN post about that. Dad got a morning before work, snacks provided. Mums got a random mid-morning slot to help out with children, expected to organise everything themselves.

I've always thought of it as basically women view men as being so fucking inept at anything to do with children. That's why it's seems such a surprise when they're doing it and doing it well. And that most women are just instinctually good at It. It really is very insulting when you stop and think about it.

Christ, I'd hoped it was just our school that was this ridiculous. Evidently not.

Oh god yes I see this all the time. I have a couple of neighbours with children the same age- my one female neighbour works away for 2 nights twice a year. The attention her husband gets, offers of help to do the school run, activities or shopping is mad. My husband works away for about 6 weeks a year. I get no offers of anything.

My in-laws still talk about the time they were visiting us and my daughter was sick at nursery so he finished work early to pick her up. What a hero (although I think they're still concerned that he may have missed a career enhancing meeting or something).

He MIGHT have done though! In that 2 hour window he was away from work anything could have happened. It’s just amazing he can take time away from his Very Important Man Job to care for his sick child

"It's amazing to see a woman taking the bins out. Your husband is so lucky"

Would this be considered a compliment?

No. It would more be framed it’s good she’s stepping up (eventually)

I used to be praise often when I travelled on my own with my two young children.

It works both ways though. We have a big family dinner every sunday. I peel the potatoes and prep the veg and dh does the rest of the cooking. I heave the folding tables about and sort the cutlery etc with "help" from my grandad who is not actually helpful tbh but he tries. FIL plays on his tablet. One time FIL wasn't going to be there and MIL kept asking me how I was going to cope sorting the tables etc without him. um, same as every week when he doesn't help. I also get huge amounts of praise for putting out the bins and dh gets criticised for neglecting his husband duties. Also, according to MIL I should be ashamed if dh does any housework because it means I am failing.

It can be done as the double insult as well. In this example, a man would compliment a woman on her bin taking out ability whilst in the presence of his wife who is the actual intended target of the "compliment" due to her lack of bin taking out ability.

Anyway, most posters seem envious that men with children receive so many "compliments".

I think this is area dependant. Went to a really posh area the other day for a playdate (av house price is 2-3m) & I received several compliments for my parenting and offers for playdates from random strangers because my son is quite elequant for his age. DH also goes to this area for playdates but never received any compliments.

But in the council estate where I grew up DH and I both keep getting told to shut him up lol

Even saying he’s ‘hands on’ is absurd - do you ever hear of a mother being called hands on?

I think it works both ways with anything that goes against the gender stereotype.

I carried out some building work outside my house the other day. There were constant, approving comments from men (and offers of help) because it was unusual for them to see a woman doing this. I've had the same when I carried home some wallpapering equipment and almost every time I carry out some basic car maintenance.

The more we get used to seeing men actively involved in childcare, the less open attention and admiration they will get as it will become the new norm. And the norm almost always goes unnoticed and uncomplimented.

I agree with a PP who said we should make it more of a thing to simply compliment each other for everyday efforts. It would make the world a far nicer place.

This has happened so many times to my DH. I get told constantly I should be so grateful for him, by my aunties etc. I shouldn’t give him a hard time, he’s a brilliant dad. Yeah he is. But they usually say it when he just takes one of the kids to the loo whilst we are having a meal or something. My dad once said how much he admired him for coming home, when I was bedridden with mastitis, rolling his sleeves up and starting dinner. Sorry, what?! Isn’t that what all people who work do if they don’t have a little skivvy at home to do it?

Another time, our youngest was very unwell, an ambulance came. I have a phobia of vomiting and she’d been so sick, she was only a year old, it was the worst day ever I was shaking head to toe but DH took over caring for her (laid on the bed with towels and a bowl basically). They took her in to hospital and we made the decision that I stayed at home with the 3 year old and he went with the poorly one. It was one of the most horrible wrenching choices ever watching them drive away with her. But my phobia is so severe I don’t know if I could have coped. (To show how bad it was DH came home in porter’s clothes as she covered him in vomit head to toe) One of the nurses asked him “what’s the mother up to tonight then?” As if he was somehow the inferior option, or I was off gallivanting somewhere. I’ve honestly rarely felt such blinding rage.

Yes we had a family day out at the seaside with my mum and I made a picnic to take, got the children up and into the clothes I'd washed and ironed spent all day looking after them, covering them in suncream, getting them changed/dried, sorting out squabbles, taking them to the toilet, building sandcastles, nursing one of their grazed knee and pushing the pushchair/picnic/beach stuff.

Dh spent most of the afternoon playing games on his phone and then took himself off for a pint at one point while I stayed and watched the children and at the end of the day out - my mum says he's a good dad, you're very lucky, isn't he good with the children?
I guess he turned up yes.

Exactly. So often the fun day out is facilitated by the mum in the background getting everything organised thus seeming like the stressed and less fun one. There’s an excellent episode of Bluey about this.

Lets have it about right though, its not just parenting it is everything.

I was a single parent for about a decade, but I havent been in a long time im married now and the things i have witnessed make me think womens lib has gone back a million years

For example - friend walks in and husband is cooking Spagetti Bol. 'Oh you are sooooooooooooooo lucky to have a man that cooks'
Yeah hes an adult...

My sister unexpectedly came round whilst Husband was emptying the washing machine 'Oh poor bloke having to empty the washer after working all day'
Yeah I actually work longer hours

The comments I get by other women :- I get told all the time how lucky I am, how I should be so very grateful, I should do more for him...why am I not packing his food for work...why does he wash his own shirts! Gasp Horror

This is despite me working longer hours - I get told I am not enough, not doing enough by other adult women ALL THE TIME.

It is all very strange as I am yet to meet a woman friend that treats her Husband like a baby whilst working full time / having a life however from my own personal experience, it is often my single female friends/family who will say this within ear shot of my Husband

Like I said in an earlier post, an old single dad friend used to tell me he hated this type of stuff and it used to make him feel de-masculated

This

I've never seen a man openly praise another man for helping out with the kids. It's always women praising men.

It is almost like it is engrained in some women to put men on a pedestal

Ill put anyone on a pedestal if they have a sexy personality lol

This week, I am working and DP is off with our 3 DCs. My alarm (set for him) went off and he told me off for waking him up early. He asked me to do breakfast for DCs2 and 3 and make coffee for us. Then, he started running out of time to catch the bus so cue shouting, running around, DC3 in tears, DCs1 and 3 not brushing their teeth and DC1 forgetting his raincoat. After they left, I fed the guinea pigs and at lunchtime, I quickly tidied the kitchen and put a load of washing on.

Last week, when I was off and DP was working, he got up at 7am, showered, dressed and left.

🤣🤣🤣