to ask you to teach me about parenting a toddler?

[vexparented]

NC as I can feel the judging coming my way.
We are trying our best but struggling with TV time for DS aged 2.
Please could you explain to me in an idiot-proof way how to entertain a small child. And I mean literally (i.e. do this in the morning / do that in the afternoon) idiot proof because if you say "craft" I will still be clueless (he isn't interested in craft anyway).

He goes Childminder 3 days a week, he is with one of us on the other 2 days, both of us at weekends.
We tend to put Cbeebies on in the morning before CM and then before dinner/bed; afternoons also when he is at home all day with us. Not constantly obvs. but the worst thing is that he demands it on during breakfast/lunch/dinner, which has now caused him to demand the tablet in restaurants/cafes etc (he does not get the tablet at home but a screen is a screen is a screen I suppose).
I HATE this esp. the restaurant bit and I don't know how to stop it - do we go cold turkey? Is it OK to watch some TV, if so when?
He is a very happy, bright little boy, good communication and speech (I think) , we do try to explain no tablet, no TV etc but this causes a tantrum.

He has many toys, books etc and we do play with him of course, he also plays on his own, we do always try to engage him, but his favourite thing is to play with cars (which then makes me think he learns more from watching Colourblocks or Bluey or whatever and I give into putting TV on).
We have a garden, he will spend one hour or so out there, sand pit, water play, bike etc, but that still leaves the rest of the day. We go out to parks, playground - again that is one hour or so. He does enjoy books, this is another hour.
Weekends is fine as we always go somewhere - travelling, NT properties, museum, farm, fair etc. He still wants the TV on when we get back home.

Neither of us has siblings or mates with kids this age or any experience whatsoever with children (we are both only kids of older parents and older parents ourselves).
PLEASE be my village and throw any and all advice at me.

Decide how much TV time you’re happy with and stick to it. At the moment you don’t seem to know what it you want to happen.

Between the ages of 2 to 3 we avoided anything other than sort cafe trips.

The situation you currently have doesn't sound that bad to me.

I'm not sure I'm seeing the issue - you say he's happy to play on his own, so let him play? And that you play with him and read books too, and all the stuff you do on the weekends.

Screen wise we have TV only on the weekend and usually it's a film in the afternoon. So the rest of the time DD either plays on her own, 'reads' or will 'helps' me with whatever I'm doing. Or we'll scoot to the playground or something.

Re. Restaurants, bring books/colouring and tell him the tablet is broken

Thank you, yes he does play on his own, but not for more than half hour or so (I know this is absolutely normal) so that still leaves a lot of the day to fill. After the half hour he inevitably demands the TV and throws a tantrum if we say no, this also happens as soon as we sat him in his chair for breakfast.

We have tried books in restaurants, also saying broken tablet etc. but he still demands it - I know this is because he is used to having the tv on when he eats at home.

i know the easy solution is simply "don't put the TV on" but I am struggling with actual things to do with him to fill the entire day so as to keep him occupied and not demanding TV, so I guess that is what I am asking ?

Like for example what do you do in the morning between say 630am wake up and 830am nursery start time ?

If you want to reduce the screen time you’ll need to be firm ‘2 blueys’ or whatever and the turn it off and stay firm even if he tantrums. You don’t really have to say or do much, just let him be frustrated and stay nearby, he’ll work through it eventually.

We always did an outing in the morning on my days with the kids, so park/a class/swimming/whatever then home for lunch, if no nap, then a bit of tv and then playing at home. An hour in the garden, some time playing inside alone/with you, reading books - if you say no tv then mean it! Have some activities you can whip out - kinetic sand, playdough - that aren’t available all the time.

If the afternoon was dragging we’d usually do a walk to the shop for dinner bits or just out for a bit. I’m not very good at staying home!

Edit: what do we do in the mornings?

Breakfast, get dressed with telly on, then turn it off and he plays. Can he access his cars and things on his own? You don’t have to entertain him, if he can get to his toys he can play!

In my house we get up, do my toddler a drink, sit down with them and play with their toys until breakfast time - it’s as simple as that, nothing fancy.

Fill a sink full of water and put a little step up to it he can stand on, and put some random plastic toys or cars in the water with some bubbles.

Let him chop up a banana with a blunt kids knife and put it in a jug, add milk and you blend it up and make a smoothie.

Big roll of blank paper (e.g. leftover wall paper or wrapping paper) - spread out on floor and give him chalk / charcoal / pens etc and let him go mad with it.

Mix flour with water to make a simple dough he can play with.

Set up a scene of things for him to discover in the morning, the night before. e.g. a load of plastic dinosaurs or a train set.

Sitting on floor and rolling a ball to each other. My DD loved it if you both sit at each end of a yoga mat and roll it while trying to stop it from going off the sides of the mat.

Get magna doodle - one of the most used toys in our house.

Simple things like make a snack and he helps butter the toast.

Get some compost and plant a few herbs in pots, him doing the spooning of the compost into the pots and the watering.

Before nursery we use the TV if necessary - we have a very tight turnaround in the mornings, all out between 7 and 7.50am. Ideally, she'd only wake in time to have breakfast and get dressed but if she wakes earlier, then it's TV!

On my two days off with her, I try to avoid it until about 5pm when she watches a couple of programmes on cbeebies while I cook. Sometimes she helps me in her learning tower but sometimes she's too tired by then and TV is easier. I cope with the days by being out of the house as much as possible! We do a toddler dance class one day and rhyme time at the library the other day. Walk to places as much as possible as that takes ages! Then park trips, errands, feeding the ducks, nap, playing with toys, reading fills up the rest.

Rainy days are the worst - I'm a better parent in good weather for sure! Can while away hours with park, walk, picnic but in the rain the day really drags, we definitely watch more TV in winter! Things my DD (also 2) will focus on for a while now are playdoh and sticker books. I'm planning to try to do more cooking with her (simple baking, pizza toppings, etc) over the winter and I recently bought a tuff tray. Just need to find the motivation to actually set up some activities in it!

Thanks so much - any advice re: tablet in restaurants / cafes ?
would the only thing to fix this be to not have TV at all at home during meals ?

It is difficult to entertain them at this age so don't feel bad about some screen time, just work to reduce it.
Mine isn't a lover of tv naturally so we don't have this problem. He does go days sometimes without any tv but at times I wish he'd watch some so I could get some jobs done! Hes very full on and very active. (2 and a half)
When we get up in the morning and I'm making his breakfast he usually goes and plays , usually role play stuff like doctors or he's got a toy kitchen and makes a picnic with his teddies.
We go out daily and if it's local I walk there. Generally a stay and play twice a week in term time which is 915-11.15 and by the time we are home it's lunch time.
Afternoons I find harder and generally we go to the park for the second time or do some crafts /sticker books/reading.
On the days where I am drained I lie on his bed and he plays /turns his bedroom upside down😅.
We are potty training this week so we've been all week and omg it's been hard and he's been miserable. We did venture out this afternoon which was bliss.
I wouldn't bother with restaurants at this age personally because they can't sit still for long enough. We go to cafes and lunches that will be quick (sandwiches type thing)! And he takes his colouring book and sticker book with him and that will buy us about half an hour. He loves a babychinno too which buys us some more time 🤣. I am with him 5 days a week , 3 in the week on my own and 2 days at weekend with my partner. It's so much easier when there's both of us!
sounds like your little one is doing great xxx

Would he do a sticker book/colouring book ??
You probably just need to be firm but set the example yourself too by not going on your phone etc in the cafe x

My daughter used to get up around 6'630 and the first thing she always wanted was a book...

Read a book. Bathe her, have a shower, get dressed, have breakfast, wash up and the time is gone.

We didn't do tv dinners and devices didn't go out. Restaurants provided colouring stuff, so we did that with her and chatted - sometimes to her, sometimes around her. She was very good at entertaining herself so that helped.

Definitely knock the tv on at meal times on the head if you can. It will give him an opportunity to learn more about the food he is eating and focus on that instead of being distracted by tv. It will probably be rough for a little while as he adjusts though, and it will help you set expectations for what meal times entail. I don’t allow screen time or toys at mealtimes, firstly because I want DD focussed on her food and to minimise potential for choking via distraction, secondly to set expectations of what we do at meal times, I chat a lot of rubbish to her, and talk to her about her food, as that’s what we do when we are out and about. I want meal times when she is older to be that occasion where we all sit around a table and talk about our day, so I’m starting her off as early as possible (she is 18m)

We started watching way too much telly in lockdown. Ended up having a strict routine we've kept to - ten mins in morning if DC dressed, short bit after lunch, ten mins before dinner. Make a routine and stick to it then they won't nag for it all the time.

With mine, we'd need to get out at least once a day, roughly 9ish, to let off energy. This improved behaviour. Watch out for being tired or hungry and get back in good time for nap. Basically routine, routine.

Not all kids like all things. But they can't concentrate on anything that long. Toy box rotation can work so they have novelty of toys coming out. Let them 'help' you in house. Wash veg, wipe windows etc. get cardboard boxes and colour them, make them rockets or houses or garages. Get something to paint outside - we spent about a month painting and repainting a pumpkin once.

Divide your day into a schedule. Have something up your sleeve like a sticker book for if you're desperate. Pinterest is full of ideas (some silly, some not) for keeping kids busy.

Water is always your friend - a bath in the daytime, a bowl of water outside, a spray bottle, jumping in puddles, playing with ice cubes etc.

Absolutely, I think you’re right there. If mealtimes are screen free you’ll get better conversation, better eating and better relationships.
It sounds like he’s a lucky tot getting plenty of quality attention from you! Mine are teens now and I did enjoy them when they were little- favourite things were getting the paints out and rolling a bit bit of lining wallpaper down the garden, or in the bathroom. I still have the footprints, bum prints and the ‘tea tray, paint and a marble’ experiment!
Screens can be a real problem- my 16 year old has just got her first smartphone and has morphed into a right pain in the bottom!

Just don't take the tablet out with you, hell soon get used to it. And stop it at meal times. Habits can be broken as well as made. We used to keep simple games in the kitchen, connect 4 etc that we could play and chat over

I'd find out what activities were on in the local area tumble tots, toddler swimming, library events and go to that. Library visits several times a week for activities or just to read or do craft activities and change of scenery. Walk if possible to extend the journey and fit in naps in the buggy

Quiet time every afternoon with a drink and a couple of biscuits, I'd read to DD whilst she had some warm milk and a rich tea and then she would 'read' to herself/play quietly while I read my own book outloud to her and had tea. - Slowly extending the time so I got 30 mins in eventually - We continued this as she got older and learnt to read, taking turns to read to each other over tea and biscuits.

DD got a Barney DVD at 2pm every day (so I could snooze) and CBeebies bedtime hour.
Other than that we had music on or audio books.

Activity wise, simple board games and activities from ELC or orchard games, keeping in mind attention span is age + a minute or too. Always carry pen and paper with you or aquadraws.

I’m pretty relaxed on TV. I see no issue with an episode in between other activities especially if it’s vaguely educational stuff. During meals it’s a hardline no- mostly we eat in the kitchen usually and there’s no TV in there so it’s simply not an option but if our layout was different I wouldn’t allow it anyway. DS usually gets a short episode (10-15 mins) of whatever after lunch so I can stack the dishwasher and have a quick coffee in peace. So I’d just say no and it’s after lunch. And stick to it. Tablet I didn’t allow until around aged 4 outside of plane travel or very, very long car journeys like when we drove to the south of France in a day. 2 is too young to regulate themselves. Lower your standards for eating out. When he can handle a queue up cafe for a juice and cake try pizza express, when he’s alright with that then try somewhere nicer. Take crayons and fidget toys. Go to the playground first to get energy out first.

In all honesty I think you can take the whole “no screens” too far. Rather than saying “no TV”, pick your battles and use it to your own advantage.

Our (now grown up) children had the TV on pretty much from 7am to 7pm everyday when they were younger however it was always CBeebies (educational) or the odd film. Largely they ignored it because it was just background noise. They would soon get bored and find something else to do alongside TV. If Fireman Sam came on, they pulled out their fire station and made their own game to go with it. When “I can cook” came on we would watch them make lunch then switch off and make our own lunch.

The only time there was no negotiation was meal time. Absolutely no devices- parents or children- and everyone sits to the table together (screen free room).

Usually my son comes into the bed for a cuddle. Sometimes we read a book. Then after a while we decide to get up, he uses the potty/toilet, we get him dressed, go into the kitchen, eat some breakfast, then he plays with his toys in the living room for a bit, then we realise it's time to go and we wrestle to get him to clean his teeth and put his coat and shoes on.

We never have too much time in the morning, it's always a bit of a rush.

We don’t actually have a TV or a tablet, so screen time has never been an option, though not deliberately. My kids are 3 and 1. I’m not that great at messy/crafty stuff at home, and I reallllly don’t line to spend the whole day at home. If we don’t have big plans, my days with them are something like this:

Everyone up and washed and dressed before any playing! Otherwise it’s torture trying to get this done
Big one will help make breakfast whilst the small one plays with random Tupperware or toy kitchen
Eat breakfast, clean up…
GO OUT! Cafe, the park, shop, random scoot/walk, picking up sticks - anything! Little one naps in pram or carrier
Back home for lunch or eat at a cafe
Everyone naps
Inside afternoon - Lego, cars, play with doll house, little one will practice walking and wreck the Lego and I’ll try and do some reading to prevent too much of this
Outside afternoon - make ice lollies (yoghurt and fruit) and put in freezer before going out, play in garden - usually happy just running/crawling around, maybe bubbles or water, maybe I’ll do some gardening with the big one whilst the little one watches, eat ice lollies if hot
Dinner
Bit more Lego or running around - they tend to be a bit silly at this point!
Bath, books, bed

I don’t think it sounds like you’re doing too badly with screen time at all OP. It sounds as though it’s broken up well with other activities and interactions with you. We generally have the tv on in the mornings as my 3 year old gets up painfully early (think of 05:30 being a good day) and I find I just want to sit quietly and have a coffee! It also gives me time to get ready, put a wash load on and just get started with my day. We tend to be out and about for the day then (not every day) and will have more tv time in the evening either while I’m making dinner or afterwards when I’m cleaning up.

One thing that I think would help you is to stop having mealtimes in front of the tv. Sitting at the table together and eating really is so good for lots of reasons. I love the chats we have at the table and it’s a good opportunity to give them your undivided attention. If you decided today that from now on every meal was to be eaten at the table without the tv I think they’d get used to it really quickly. You might get some objections and tantrums for a few days but they’ll come to enjoy eating meals like this.

Also a toddler mom and your routine really doesn't sound bad to me! Mine goes to creche 4 days a week from 9-2. In the morning if he's in the mood for independent play with his cars I try be as quiet as possible so he doesn't notice me & my coffee. 😅 That can be anywhere from 5min to 30min, and after that he helps me make breakfast. Aka a giant mess. But he loves pulling things out of the fridge, mixing his eggs or pouring his own milk. He doesn't get screen time with breakfast but the rest of his meals are hit or miss. I try involve him in the clean up too so loading the dishwasher, etc.,

Then getting dressed & usually 10-20min of TV because he's an unholy nightmare to get in clothes. If we still have time to kill, books or playing with his cars.

The days he's off with me, I try leave the house for 9am. Usually to our local park that's luckily got a duck pond. I bring toy tractors and a bucket and let him dig in the stones by it - that kills half an hour. Then feeding the ducks, and eating a snack. After that we usually do a little wander around, before grabbing a ball or bubbles from the car. All together this is about 2 hours and wrecks him to the point he takes a huge nap for me. Plus not as boring as indoor play activities.

In the afternoons if it's nice I pack him into the buggy for some peace on a walk. If there's any construction sites nearby he's happy to state at diggers for 30min while I awkwardly avoid eye contact with the workers.

Or build "tracks" in the garden for his bike, go to the playground, or bring a bucket on a walk around the estate to let him pick stones up and throw in.

If it's awful outside, we swap between activities like building hot wheel tracks and sending his cars down them, decorating my car dashboard with foam toddler stickers from Amazon - nightmare to clean but buys so much peace, washing his cars in the sink with soap, blowing up balloons, putting together a train track, building duplo, going out for a coffee and a rice krispie bun, going to the library, reading books, playing with playdough (aka driving his cars over the playdough), or taking off the couch cushions to jump on them. These all take 20-30min. I find if I give him undivided attention for one activity he's usually happy to do the next independently to give me a break. I encourage independent play as much as possible because there's only so many times I can play tractors & cars. 😅😅

I also keep different toys downstairs vs. his room and he's usually excited to go upstairs in the afternoon to play with those toys because he doesn't get as much time with them.

Plus I try encourage him to help me carry laundry / sweep the floor, etc., not always successfully!

He does get a lot of screentime in between these bits when I need a break as I'm 9 mths pregnant so I try focus on the least stimulating shows. Puffin Rock, Giant Jack & Little Bear are the best for that I find - muted colours, slower music, and less scene changes per minute. We used to use Ms Rachel, Paddington Bear or Thomas the Tank but he was addicted to those and so wired after. It was so bad a few months ago we had to go completely cold turkey (awful 3 days at the start) and then gradually intro the less stimulating options.

For restaurants I didn't want him stuck to a screen either though that still happens sometimes. I saw a tiktok about an "activity box" so made one we keep in the car. It's a photo box from Amazon with different small boxes in it that I've filled with little activities. One has puzzles, one has crayons, stickers, cars, little books, playdough with moulds, etc., we only get 2-5 min out of each one when we're out so I save them for when he's fussy and swap them out as we eat.

My other half does completely different things with him - they tend to go swimming, or out on a toddler carrier on his bike - but I don't enjoy those myself.

Is there a way you can make TV less central to your lives? Can it go in a less prominent place, maybe in a spare bedroom to watch in the evenings, or in a cupboard?

Admittedly my son is only 10m, but I put him down in a TV free room first thing with all his toys. He gets 10 minutes during nappy changes (poo everywhere otherwise) or if he needs to go in his jumperoo a few minutes in an emergency.

When we move house, we're planning to set up so that the TV is hidden/downplayed as we find we watch it a hell of a lot less now that we're not able to during the day.

As for activities - I would try and lengthen those hours of park/garden etc by 10-15m each time.

We've found that we get used to doing an activity for a certain length of time, then WE check out mentally, which stops our son enjoying it.

Except today and yesterday where he's been teething like absolute hell and TV is the only thing that soothes him.