to ask you to teach me about parenting a toddler?

[vexparented]

NC as I can feel the judging coming my way.
We are trying our best but struggling with TV time for DS aged 2.
Please could you explain to me in an idiot-proof way how to entertain a small child. And I mean literally (i.e. do this in the morning / do that in the afternoon) idiot proof because if you say "craft" I will still be clueless (he isn't interested in craft anyway).

He goes Childminder 3 days a week, he is with one of us on the other 2 days, both of us at weekends.
We tend to put Cbeebies on in the morning before CM and then before dinner/bed; afternoons also when he is at home all day with us. Not constantly obvs. but the worst thing is that he demands it on during breakfast/lunch/dinner, which has now caused him to demand the tablet in restaurants/cafes etc (he does not get the tablet at home but a screen is a screen is a screen I suppose).
I HATE this esp. the restaurant bit and I don't know how to stop it - do we go cold turkey? Is it OK to watch some TV, if so when?
He is a very happy, bright little boy, good communication and speech (I think) , we do try to explain no tablet, no TV etc but this causes a tantrum.

He has many toys, books etc and we do play with him of course, he also plays on his own, we do always try to engage him, but his favourite thing is to play with cars (which then makes me think he learns more from watching Colourblocks or Bluey or whatever and I give into putting TV on).
We have a garden, he will spend one hour or so out there, sand pit, water play, bike etc, but that still leaves the rest of the day. We go out to parks, playground - again that is one hour or so. He does enjoy books, this is another hour.
Weekends is fine as we always go somewhere - travelling, NT properties, museum, farm, fair etc. He still wants the TV on when we get back home.

Neither of us has siblings or mates with kids this age or any experience whatsoever with children (we are both only kids of older parents and older parents ourselves).
PLEASE be my village and throw any and all advice at me.

We've always has TV on in the background all day at home. No one really watches it.
I'd bin off the screen in restaurants cold turkey! Or just accept its the only way to get a peacefull meal and let it be 😆

And no tv/tablets at meals at home unless you are fine that child's focus is on it.
You need to show him that it's not an option and that you spend mealtime together and enjoy being together.

Go cold turkey!! It will change your life. We had a similar issue with my third child, and I started to feel similarly to you.
I got to the point where my son kept pointing at it, he didn't seem interested in books (not for long anyway) not much I interest in toys, it was like the TV was always in the back of his mind. The final straw for me was when a friend came over unexpectedly when I had just turned off Peppa pig and my DS had a monumental meltdown about it, and I thought enough is enough!! It's going OFF. I told my older kids that we were on a one week ban and bribed them with a treat after a week.

I then found this person on Instagram and did her free detox (Jerricasannes) and started reading loads about the impact of screens on young brains. They are so addictive, the screen is constantly flicking and changing. We are basically training their brains to become addicted to the stimulation and making day to day life boring for them. Some people say it's fine in moderation but that wasn't working for us, even a small amount was still reminding him it was there...

Anyway a week into the detox and he had forgotten the TV even existed, and he started playing independently, pottering around, totally different child. It benefited my older two as well. I found they would play and also TALK to me so much more when they didn't automatically ask for the TV when they were bored.
Since then we've reintroduced it a small amount for the older two, but the programmes they watch aren't addictive for him so it doesn't really matter. We don't have tablets or anything like that so that wasn't an issue.
The Instagram person I mentioned rates programmes in terms of how bad/overstimulating they are. Films like Zog and Gruffalo etc aren't too bad so occasionally all three of them watch one of those.

Anyway that's my tip!

Struggle with the "he demands" etc, he's two, you get to decide.

It sounds like you are possibly expecting him to spend too much time in unsuitable places fir a toddler (restaurants). You might like to go to these places a lot but you have a toddler, your life changes, you make some sacrifices you know?

What sorts of toys do you have at home?
Best things are opened ended simple toys that encourage creative play:

• wooden train track & some engines & carriages
• duplo
• playdo and some cutters, rolling pins, tools
• crayons, paper, safety scissors, paints
• dolls & stuffed animals for role play
• toy kitchen or toy shop
• vehicles
• role play props like toy hoovers or dustpan & brush
• shape sorters
• simple card games with snap or matching or numbers like orchard games
• shakers/drums/xylophone
• puzzles
• magnetic letters for fridge or whiteboard
• books

Parenting a toddler is hard as they don't do much independently. You don't get really any time for yourself when they are awake (unless they have older sibling) as they need you to support their play a lot, play with them, talk. They often only stick at something 10 or 15 minutes.

From 6.30 to 8.30 i would:

• read stories in bed until 7 could be some yoto audiobooks but read some to him yourself, its important to engage with them through giving that attention & reading to them.

At 7, choose clothes, get dressed, tidy bedroom/make bed etc. 7.15: go down and have him help mix pancake batter or prepare breakfast, get him to choose a cup & bowl from cupboard. I would make cooking and laying table with mats and cutlery etc, feeding cats, take 15 mins. 7 30: breakfast. I would make him stay at table 15 mins even if he finished eating fast. Give him some playdo in the highchaur or pasta tubes to thread on a string while you eat & have coffee. 7.45: spend 5 mins tidying, bowl in dishwasher, rinse & dry cup and put away have a vitamin. 7.50: brush teeth, wash hands, use loo (good to try 20 or so mins after a meal). 7.55 pack bag for childminder - have him help choose cuddly toy & spare clothes, count out nappies or whatever else you pack. 8.00 have 20 mins playing - puzzle or duplo etc. 8.20 get ready to leave. Have him get his coat and shoes, and put them on. do a weather check and talk about if he needs wellies/coat/sunhat. At this time of year apply suncream. In winter could be chapstick or get mittens/hat/scarf ready. Offer the loo again (because he's 2!). Have a picture checklist of things laminated and a white board pen and have him check off that he is ready eg

• teeth brushed: tick
• shoes on: tick
• coat on: tick
• bag ready: tick

8.30 leave for childminder

What I do with mine:

• Lots of boxes with lids with different stuff in them. Just random shit from round the house. Around 6-7 of them with blocks, shoes (my toddler likes putting them away in the shoe rack), papers, pots and pans, pieces of fabric, cardboard stuff.
• Radio on for background noise (keeps the toddler from coming looking for me) and slow fade to the next room where I can keep an eye.
• Get my book out.

We've always has TV on in the background all day at home. No one really watches it.

So turn it off. If you need some noise have radio on.

So first of all, just don’t give in. Ride out the tantrums. This is the age to set firm boundaries. If he chucks them on the floor, pick them up, say ‘no’ and continue to chat with your partner. Then if he kicks off you can say kindly but firmly, you can chat with us or we can read a book together, look at these pictures. If you give in to low level whinging now you have a life time of pain ahead.

Both of mine didn’t take to colouring till later. I would read to him. Take a ‘Montessori busy book’ (see Amazon) or one of those wipe clean things you can draw on again and again.

6:30-8:30. Wake up. Eat breakfast. Get him to ‘help’ with jobs. Load the laundry one garment at a time. Unload the cutlery (not the knives obvs) from the dishwasher. Mine would follow me around like an over affectionate kitten babbling at me. Maybe set up some toys overnight to play with. (See this woman on IG called ‘dayswithgrey’ or something like that for breakfast based inspirations).

And let him toddle around. Let him be bored. It’s fine. He doesn’t need to be entertained every second of every day. Let him potter in a safe space where he can’t cause TOO much chaos. Some chaos will happen, so you’ll have to ride it out.

Lots of pretend play. We used to play hospital. Or shopping. Or restaurants.

5 Minute Mum has a bunch of easy educational games you can play from toddler age onwards. I played a lot of them in lockdown. Also just look on IG- lots of play based accounts.

And no TV at meal times. It’s important someone sits with him and eats with him. Chats to him. It will take time but they will get used to it.

My kids’ favourite at this age was tea party. Big tea tray outside with bits of flour and cornflour and food colouring and water and pipettes and small spoons and lots of plastic cups and saucers. He made me ‘tea’ and easy to clean up and hose down afterwards.
You can also use the same set up to make ‘potions.’

Happyland toys were a big hit for make believe play. I don’t know if they still exist but they were great quality and lovely to play with.

We would also go and pick up leaves and flowers. And then let him loose with some glue and child safe scissors and a large sheet of paper to make ‘art.’

You can get toddler craft kits as well if you can’t make up activities on the spot. I couldn’t.

Magic sand. Although some people hate it.

Basic sticker books.

Duplo. Blocks. I think Numberblocks now has a bunch of toys that are linking blocks and they come with activity cards.

If you want him to stop demanding TV, then you just need to be really clear about the boundary for yourself, ie, know when you're happy for TV to be on and when you're clear that it's not OK - and then don't give in to the demanding. You don't need to be harsh or punitive, you just say "We'll watch some TV later, not now." It can be easier if you can pick a kind of "milestone" that they can recognise, because toddlers don't really understand numbers/time, e.g. "We will put TV on after dinner" - though that does then give you a slightly different issue in that they will come to associate after dinner = TV time and always expect it then. Currently I'm trying to break the association my LOs have with as soon as we get home = TV on - I had done really well with this during the week and then DH hadn't got the memo that it was my new plan, so he took one of them out for a walk at the weekend, and as soon as they got back he switched the TV on for them which then didn't go off for the rest of the day (oops!!) Not the end of the world especially since it was too hot to really do much/move around but not what I was trying to achieve. Never mind.

I also find that turning it off is much harder than delaying turning it on in the first place. Or - it's not that it's harder, once they are used to it - but particularly if you're trying to cut down from larger amounts of screen time, you need to be prepared to engage/entertain fairly heavily in the first 30 mins or so after it goes off. Be present, offer different activities and so on. If you're wanting to change a habit at mealtimes, you might need to think about ways to replace screen time or work up to the new expectation.

They will ask for it obsessively because it's so stimulating to them. It's like chocolate or anything else - I bet he loves that, but if you are really clear in your own mind about when is an appropriate chocolate/sweetie time, then you likely don't struggle to communicate that to him, he now knows the expectation, he isn't constantly asking to eat them, and you don't worry about how you'll keep him full up if you don't give him chocolate all the time. You can get to the same with TV. It's just really easy to fall into habits where it's on in the background all the time so it feels much harder to break but it really doesn't take long at all to change a pattern especially when he's so little. It is 99% in your own conviction in sticking to it.

I think it's great that he is into his toys and playing alone. I would definitely encourage that as I think it's best if you don't entertain them all the time. But for some fun things to set up and/or do together, I really like this little cheap book I got second hand called "The Toddler's Busy Book" - I bet you'd find various similar things in a local charity shop or on amazon, and it just has loads of different suggested activities which use household items so nothing expensive or complicated or difficult to set up.

I also found it helpful to divide the day up into chunks between mealtimes (and divide them further again if necessary) and sort of have different go-to activities during each "chunk" e.g. an outside activity, something I'd set up with him and then pop in and out while doing jobs, do some chores together, just helped give my day a bit of structure and not stretch out endlessly feeling like a daunting chasm I'd have to fill. I used to go to a lot of toddler groups too - I loved these! I don't know if they still run as much post-covid (they don't seem to where I live, unfortunately).

Yes -you need to stop the TV during meals at home. At the moment he associates eating with screen time so in a restaurant he will expect the same. No doubt there will be tears and tantrums but you need to stand firm and they will learn that meal times are not screen time, you need to break the cycle. I suspect they don’t get TV while eating at the child minders so it shouldn’t take too many meals to break the link - good luck and stand firm

Most of what Jerricasannes says isn't backed up by research - it is just her opinion. I was surprised because actually some of the stuff she says I thought was accepted truth but apparently not.

I do think her detox idea can be helpful, especially if struggling to cut down (again, it's just a version of "be clear where your boundary is", just quite an extreme one) and observing how your specific child reacts to different programmes because they definitely are different - but don't buy too much into all the hype. There is a lot of "ideal parenting" on instagram, and it can be destructive for your mental health to be constantly trying to live up to some unattainable ideal especially when someone is trying to sell you the idea that anything less is actively harmful.

I don’t mean this unkindly but the screens are not your problem here. Tantrums and you giving in are the issue. Toddlers are like a nightmare- give in once and they think they have you over a barrel.

It will be hard work but you’ve got this. Set your screen time limit and stick to it. Spend the next week at home dealing with the tantrums- a restaurant is clearly not the place to start this.

Have a box with a closed lid that the iPad goes in to when it is off limits and get DC to put it in.

Set your device to go off after a certain period.

Use an alarm to signal it is end of screen time.

Praise good behaviour when there is no tantrum and ignore the bad behaviour when he does.

DO NOT GIVE IN!!!!

I read somewhere that it takes 3 days to break a habit in a child. That can be 3 days of immense pain but it's easier to get through when you have an end date.

Yes you need to knock the TV with meals on the head at home if you want to be able to eat out without it. Could you try picnics outside to try and break the habit and reward him with something else he wants

It is hard at that age, they can't play by themselves but are into everything so yes they do need to be entertained a lot. Just concentrate on one hour at a time. And not all activities need to be child centred. Eg going to the shops and getting them to add some stuff to the trolley. Getting them to help with housework (mine loved a dustpan and brush at that age). I used to give random baths to fill up the time. If he doesn't like crafts in general would he do things with his favourite characters e.g. bluey colouring or sticking. I used to get them to do baking as well - nothing complicated but something like muffins that's just mixing things in and then they can decorate with sprinkles or something. Also that's am age when they can start to play with friends a bit so I found it was good to hang out with other parents

OP I completely relate. I feel like even if I do 100 things in the day with my toddler, there's still way too much time for screens.

I try going on walks, visiting free stuff like farms and museums, parks, we read books by the dozen... mine barely plays alone so I have to play all day. Exhausting. This too shall pass!

Include him in what you are doing, if your cooking let him stir etc, be in charge of something. Cleaning give him a spray and sponge, help sort washing into colours etc - chat while your doing it.
Baking is good to occupy as it’s in stages, mixing, oven time, decorations.
park trip, tv time, reading, playtime, tv time - it’s just about breaking the day down into small sections to give them full attention between playing time.