Friend shamed me for feeling exhausted.

[TheCluelessMum]

How do you ever get the chance to relax and recover with a 2 year old.
My 2 year old is great, the best thing to ever happen to me so the guilt I have even writing this hurts my heart. He is full on, not the type of kid to chill and watch a film… always wants to be doing something XYZ, which I love & we are always doing stuff.

However I am truly knackered. DH works full time (mon-Fri) I work 3 x 12 hour shifts (on weekdays). So anytime one of us isn’t working, we are (of course) with our DS.

Our parents alternate 1 day per week childcare & the other 2 days at nursery. Our parents have their own lives and we are so grateful for the time they do have our son.

Me and my DH are just so very knackered, not as in sleepy need more sleep. As in knackered to the bone. I feel like everything in the house needs sorting, cupboards are a mess. Decorating needs to be done. But when do you find the time? We of course keep on top of the daily cleaning etc. but everything else is fallen off.

Me and DH have had 1 date night since ds was born.

How does everyone else manage? Our parents having DS on a weekend so we can have a “break” isn’t an option, they do enough for us and have their own lives.

I see friends with children having date night & tidy houses - just think how on earth?

A lot of our annual leave this year has been used up by weddings, events & DS needing time off nursery due to various illness’

If DH is to take DS out or vice versa, neither one of us just sits down as there is always so much to do.

We are so exhausted, want to be the best mum ever but I don’t know when to catch a break.

I spoke to a friend(??)About how I was feeling & she just told me that I was being so dramatic and needed to get on with it. I knew what I was signing up for when I had kids.

Am I being dramatic?

Nope. This is the exhausting phase, it's hard going and if your friend isn't going to be supportive she can fuck right off.

Some children are harder work than others too. Not bad or good, just the way they're made. You just keep on keeping on.

I dont think anyone knows what they sign up for when they have kids. I certainly didnt. You are not being dramatic, but maybe you are trying to do too much- and if you talk about it every time you see the said friend, maybe they were trying to get you to think about it.
Your frined is either childless or pretends they are bees knees and are just as knackered (or has a LOT of help).
A break is important though, you cant spend every breathing moment being the best mum ever (sorry, I find that a bit annoying, mums who take a break are not worse than those who dont). Maybe your friend was beign annoyed at that phrase, and assumed you are trying to be a martyr for the sake of it/that you were suggesting that mums who relax a bit are not as good mums?

Over the summer I have a babysitter over once a week so I can go out. Kids sometimes sit in front of the tv for a bit, they dont need entertaining every breathing moment. Or I put waterplay up and chill reading a book or watchiing a Netflix show. The balance helps me being a good mum :)

Well she right to an extent (because that’s just the reality for you just now) but it’s bloody easy for her to say isn’t it!
She being unnecessarily unkind.

I find most people who behave like her either have things easier (and don’t realise) or aren’t that nice a people anyway or sometimes if it’s out of character have something going on that is affecting them.

either way she obviously can’t comprehend your experience so just ignore her words dont all her to make you feel even worse about things.

oh and this will change, it’s temporary but things will shift.

Your friend’s being a dick. And/or has the kind of DC who are temperamentally quiet and compliant and self-sufficient, and can’t understand that any other experience of parenting exists.

I was barely functioning when my DC was 2 and we were both working and all the nursery illnesses were in full flow. Like you, I have a very energetic, very demanding DC who is on all the time. He sleeps better now (he’s nearly 8) but still requires everyone’s constant undivided attention and talks non-stop from 5am to 10pm and it remains difficult to impossible to get anything done when he’s around. (It will likely get much easier than this much more quickly for you - my DC is ND).

The parents of kids who are happy to sit quietly and draw for hours on end are having a much more different experience from other parents than they can ever understand.

Sounds like my life. One high energy DS.
Both working, him long hours, me freelance.
My parents help with childcare, a couple of days.
Playgroup in the mornings.
We’re wrecked… House is a shack.
I don’t know where others get the time (or money) for lovely days out, holidays, date nights, gigs etc…

I found that taking care of my health (weight, fitness) has helped, although that’s hard to keep up at times!

2/3 can be tough. But the phrase ‘best mum ever’ stuck out. You already are his best mum ever. You don’t need to do more to get that title than love and take care of him and do usual toddler stuff. Softplay at that age can be a help. I never went through with them. Just pick a toddler appropriate place and watch him, there are mums that run around with their child managing every experience. There’s no need. Let them get on with things in a safe space. Same at home. Interaction is needed but not all the time. They can play while you clean or relax and drink your tea. But you have to teach your child how to do that and not rely on you for constant entertainment. That would be exhausting. It’s just a different way of doing things which is likely why others are not exhausted like you. You’re not wrong and neither are they. Just different ways to do things. But if you’re tired, try getting your child to do things on his own.

Your friend is unhelpful

I have a 2 year old and I can relate. Your friend is a dick

How you feel is how you feel so your friend can’t judge.
However, you can make things a bit easier for yourself. Your ds might anyways want to be doing things… you can say no. He might not be the type to watch a movie- I don’t think any 2 year olds are. But they can watch shorter episodes, colour, play. They have to have time playing by themselves to learn to play by themselves, if that makes sense.
With a couple of half hours a day where ds is occupied at home, it is amazing what you can get done.
I mean, you’ll still be chasing your tail, but might feel a little more on top of stuff.

It sounds like she delivered the message without empathy but she's not entirely wrong.

2 functioning adults to one toddler is a good ratio.

Your comments about being the best mum ever might be key to this. He needs to learn you can't do everything he wants all the time. An afternoon sorting out the kitchen cupboards while he plays with Tupperware is still being a good mum. Find things you can involve him in but are productive for you too.

Also - you need to accept this is a difficult phase and adapt the REST of your life accordingly. Using annual leave for weddings and other people's needs might not be best right now. How many of your weekends are spend pleasing other people or doing stuff you think you should do? Maybe time to drop the rope a bit there and have more time in the house and resting.

What a nasty thing for your friend to say…. A true friend would offer to take your child to the park so you could sort your cupboard…

But you know, no one ever died of a messy house. Or because their cupboards weren’t tidy or the house wasn’t decorated. Honestly. Your child sounds like a very typical two year old, and they are very full on! In three years time he will be at school, and you can decorate the whole house! But until then just keep on top of the day to day stuff, as you are, and enjoy your son.

Everyone is right.

Your friend is a dick

Two is the hardest age (it was for me)

You need to accept you're in survival mode and it will pass

I became a single mother when mine was 3. NGL single parenting a 3/4 year old was easier for me than double parenting a 2yo. They start to play unsupervised, and you can leave the room without them sticking forks in sockets. But it's okay to cut corners, have mess, need to rest (I should also take this advice).

I suppose that yes, it probably is an inevitable part of having a two-year-old and in that sense it probably is 'what you signed up for' - but that doesn't mean you're unreasonable to feel exhausted, or to find it hard, or to looking for advice on how to make it a bit easier! Your friend is being a complete twat.

I don't have any kids so I would have no useful practical advice for a friend who told me they were exhausted from caring for a toddler, but I'd still offer sympathy and concern and listen to them instead of saying 'Stop being dramatic and get on with it'. Your friend was awful to react like that.

I feel like everything in the house needs sorting, cupboards are a mess. Decorating needs to be done. But when do you find the time?

In the not too distant future your son won't want to play with you all the time and you'll have to even ask them for a cuddle! It doesn't last forever. Pick a cupboard, shuffle a few jars around or stick the mini-vac in to vacuum up the crumbs and leave it at that, wipe the cupboard door when you wipe the worktops. It's enough for now. In that not so distant future you'll be able to deep clean the cupboards, for now they can wait.

Decorating is a tricky one. Can you afford to get a decorator in? If not pick a small thing that will make a big difference. Mine was putting up the coat rack. The impact was huge for such a small thing.

You probably lowered your expectations around you and your home when your little one first arrived and it sounds like your expectations have crept back up sneakily on you. Tell them to pipe back down again, now is not the time. There will be a time, but not yet. Take the pressure off yourself a little.

Then book a baby sitter and go out for a date night.

I have twins and so many people have said 'oh bet that was a nightmare when they were tiny' .... it was very full on but I do think by the time they were 2 or 3 they entertained each other at times so in a lot of ways it was easier than your situation.

Your friend doesn't sound very nice.

It is exhausting, but it gets easier. If you can afford a cleaner, I would do this. Also ask about for a babysitter so you can have a night out.

Third step have a 2nd child so they can entertain each other 😆

Your 2 year old sounds like mine. Does your friend have children? What are they like?
I think different children are worlds away from others - and also worth thinking about the fact that some people with apparently perfect houses etc will only achieve that by sticking kids in front of TV for hours. My niece as a 2yo was quite happy to sit all morning playing by herself whilst her SAHD watched horse racing on TV. They didn't even need a stair gate because if she was told to 'stay there', she did! Absolutely no way my son could do that, he would take it as a personal challenge to be up the stairs without me noticing. We have to get out every day. It sounds like you're providing a great childhood for your son and that's absolutely what should come first. As long as you're not forgetting that involving him in everyday things is important too- a trip to supermarket, playing in garden whilst you prune bushes, helping you clean, I know it all takes a hundred times longer with 'help' though!

I mean, you do sort of have to just get on with it. That’s kind of the only option.

I’ve now got a 2 and a 4 year old and let me tell you, everyone who has left the baby stage does not have their life together. Everyone has cupboards full of stuff that we can’t open or dig in because it’ll fall out. Everyone’s walls have little hand prints, spilled food splashes and dings from toys being dragged along. I’ve had a few streaks of permanent marker scrawl on my youngest’s wall since before she was born because I’d have to go buy a full thing of paint to cover it and my heart sinks a little every time I see it. My fridge is constantly full but there seems to be nothing to eat in it, just sauces and ingredients, and I have a pantry that never gets touched because it’s full of other stuff that just needed to be kept away from the kids.

i promise, you’re not alone. We’re all on a sinking ship here, bailing out water by making sure surfaces are clean and ignoring all the little organisational inconveniences and long term DIY projects looming. A time will come when they go to school! And they’ll want to play outside! And they won’t carry random things from room to room, making new mess while you try to clean the last mess! But that time… isn’t just yet. So go easy on yourself.

Your friend is being mean and unnecessary. 2 year olds are hard work, especially ones that are super active.
But if you and Dh are both parenting equally i don't think you should be this completely exhausted. I wonder if your shift pattern doesn't help... you must be exhausted after a 12 hour shift and need to rest after that.
Also lower your expectations slightly, dc doesnt have to be entertained all the time. He's reaching the age where he can amuse himself while you get a few jobs done (or relax)

Not only is the toddler phase probably the most exhausting, but not all toddlers are the same. Some are absolute whirlwinds, whilst others do have quiet moments and play with Playdoh long enough for you to be able to cook dinner.

Mine didn't. 😭

Your friend is not a friend to you, and I would reduce contact and be guarded as they have a lack of compassion. Some people lack the ability to empathise with others and your 'friend' seem to be one of them.

I have two high energy DC. Eldest is 4 and just does not stop talking all day and will not play by himself. Youngest is 1 and doesn’t sleep well. I work 30 hours - always bloody knackered.

What helps us - tag teaming with the kids so we always get 30 mins at least with no questions or whines. Getting the eldest involved in the house work, takes longer but gets it done. At the weekend he helped me put all the laundry away and build a flat pack unit. We have a cleaner (not everyone can afford it, but we have one as a high priority so will spend money on that and save in other areas). Every so often I book a day off work while kids are in childcare to declutter the house, switch the clothes around etc. - get so much done with them not around.

We also tag team mornings so we both get one lie in a week.

Eat healthy ish and exercise, I always feel better after a work out. I do also eat a lot of crap to get me through the days after a sleepless night, I just notice I feel better when I don’t. But likewise, plan super easy meals for the week, we also always have a stash of M&S ready meals in the freezer for if we need a quick lunch or dinner.

All kids are just different. I’m always amazed and slightly jealous of how my nieces will play independently for hours on end and sit and colour. But then my DS can ride a bike, loves the outdoors and has so many other positive points.

Was speaking with my Dds 22 and 23 at the weekend... having a reminiscent time talking about when they were very little.

Their favourite "thing" was painting the fence/ garage door. Whenever I cut the grass I wanted them in my sight but out of the way, and they were not sit still types, so I gave them 2 old paintbrushes and a bucket of water... they didn't realise it was a distraction technique til they were about 7. And now of course they look back on it with fondness because it was always sunny times cutting the grass, even the smell of cut grass takes us all back.
Little things like that can cost next to nothing, but become a "thing".

This.