Friend shamed me for feeling exhausted.

[TheCluelessMum]

How do you ever get the chance to relax and recover with a 2 year old.
My 2 year old is great, the best thing to ever happen to me so the guilt I have even writing this hurts my heart. He is full on, not the type of kid to chill and watch a film… always wants to be doing something XYZ, which I love & we are always doing stuff.

However I am truly knackered. DH works full time (mon-Fri) I work 3 x 12 hour shifts (on weekdays). So anytime one of us isn’t working, we are (of course) with our DS.

Our parents alternate 1 day per week childcare & the other 2 days at nursery. Our parents have their own lives and we are so grateful for the time they do have our son.

Me and my DH are just so very knackered, not as in sleepy need more sleep. As in knackered to the bone. I feel like everything in the house needs sorting, cupboards are a mess. Decorating needs to be done. But when do you find the time? We of course keep on top of the daily cleaning etc. but everything else is fallen off.

Me and DH have had 1 date night since ds was born.

How does everyone else manage? Our parents having DS on a weekend so we can have a “break” isn’t an option, they do enough for us and have their own lives.

I see friends with children having date night & tidy houses - just think how on earth?

A lot of our annual leave this year has been used up by weddings, events & DS needing time off nursery due to various illness’

If DH is to take DS out or vice versa, neither one of us just sits down as there is always so much to do.

We are so exhausted, want to be the best mum ever but I don’t know when to catch a break.

I spoke to a friend(??)About how I was feeling & she just told me that I was being so dramatic and needed to get on with it. I knew what I was signing up for when I had kids.

Am I being dramatic?

I think it’s the hardest age as they’re so fast and have no sense of fear. It gets easier.
my children are grown up now and I think I look back with rose tinted glasses. I think it’s all about survival at this stage.

Maybe you need to reset your own expectations- there’s no such thing as the “worlds best mum”. I’d say ignore your friend - but essentially you do just have to get on with it and make the best of it. Can you and DH each get a lie in one day at the weekend, so you catch up on sleep? And could your parents do a weekend day of childcare so you can blitz the house? You’re fortunate to have a partner and involved parents, many people don’t have that

I’ve just started putting my 14 month old in nursery for an extra day for this exact reason. Now I have one day a week to clean, do laundry, batch cook, all the endless life admin etc. it also means the weekends are fully family time not desperately trying to catch up on chores while juggling a baby between us. If there isn’t much to do I can pick up early from nursery and go to the park, but it is such a massive relief to have the extra time.

I feel your pain and I'm a SAHM (albeit with exhausting medical conditions)
I was just about keeping all the plates spinning until he decided he doesn't need daytime naps anymore.
In the last few weeks the house has gone to hell in a handcart, I'm exhausted.
However my friends would never be so callous as to just tell me to get on with it (unless I'd done nothing but moan every single time I saw them, they might issue some tough love after that)

Hang in there, It will get better.
The house will still be there, needing done once your little one is at school, out at playdates etc.

In the meantime can you and your DH get one or two days annual leave, book DC into a club/daycare and have a massive declutter and clean? (and a nap afterwards)

When dsis had my niece she couldn't understand what all the exhaustion fuss was about. Niece was an absolute dream. Slept well, fed well and was generally very content and calm. Dsis was a bit sneery and cocky to be honest and she would say the same. Then she had my nephew who would howl the house down if he was put anywhere but dsis arms.

I think you have some unrealistic expectations and whilst your friend was perhaps a bit blunt, she has a point.

Being an adult sucks. No one is coming in to save you (or anyone) and yes, you do need to take each day as it comes and get on with it.

No 2 yr old that I’ve met has had the attention span to sit and watch a film independently whilst the parent does jobs. There is no such thing as “best mum” and you’ll constantly feel like you’re failing if that is what you aspire to be.

Lower your expectations. Accept that this period is both incredibly joyful but also a hard slog that will soon pass.

If possible, perhaps look into an extra day of childcare or if your parents are willing and able, openly talk to them that you are really struggling at the moment and could they have your child for a weekend so you can catch up on sleep/jobs/etc or if they are more hands on, ask if they could do xy job (sort the linen cupboard or paint the spare room). There is a difference between taking advantage of family support and genuinely asking for help in times of need. In my extended family people would be willing to help so it may be worth being open and honest.

When my twins hit age 2 as a single parent it felt never ending - that and working full time - an older child and them not sleeping - have to say now heading into age 4 the crazy period seems to be over a little bit and they do sit and play and watch tv long enough to give me a break (well a break for me!)

I've always done DIY so mine are quite happy to watch me decorate and fix things and like to ask questions or have their own toy tool kit out and I'll involve them a bit

It does help having more than one child though as they do all play together long enough for me to grab a shower or coffee

Your friend is being a dick. A 2 year old is relentless, I'm a single mum to a high energy one, I'm permanently exhausted!

You are exhausted and your friend should be empathetic. I don’t get why someone would answer like that.
I have three older kids but we’ve never even had a second of help from any family . I sometimes feel I can’t say I’m absolutely exhausted as my kids are all older but we are (late 30’s so not that old). I have felt the lack of any support more acutely actually as my kids have gotten older. I once said to a family member when I was struggling (3 dcs under 6 and my dh was away for work ) and I had two v bad sleepers and they basically said I wasn’t in Yemen so just to deal with it , I’ve never forgotten that. They certainly didn’t and haven’t ever offered help.Some people just aren’t empathetic or just dont want to help so don’t want to hear it .

You’re friend is a dick. It’s not like you can just put in for annual leave from being a parent - it’s full on mentally and physically. Two is a prime age when they’re great fun, but my god there is no sense of self preservation!

firstly, it does get better, you start feeling like you have time to do things and hear your own thoughts again. Secondly, it’s great that you’re so appreciative of the help from GP’s but I really think you should broach the idea of them babysitting, even at yours for the ease of having everything to hand, just as a very occasional thing to let you both feel like you have a semblance of a life outside of your parent roles.

I had literally zero help (no family and a newborn in a new area) and it was shit, but at least I could book annual leave if I desperately needed a chunk of time. I bet you can’t do that without feeling guilty if your parents are looking after your toddler.

My life when had first child, except no parents to help and no date night in first two years.

house is more chaotic than I ever thought possible. But life is full of joy and exhaustion,

Honestly (teen mom here) it gets so much easier and this difficult period (where you are all consumed by your child) will end so good easy on yourself in relation to decorating etc . You're doing well if you get the cleaning done. Anything you can afford to do to make your life easier just do it. Lower your standards, ignore people who are having a different experience to you, who knows why she was a dick - jealously, lower standards, projection, easier child etc etc. basically you need to survive this time x

Day date with your husband. My inlaws advised us to do this, a couple of times a year they would send the kids to nursery and take a day of annual leave. Advised us to go somewhere out the house so we couldn't start on the housework. We went for a long walk, lunch, cinema. Do it before they hit school age and you need all your leave to cover childcare in the holidays!

Of course it is as that's the only option for everyone, including those in the most horrendous situations, but that doesn't mean that we should be incapable of acknowledging other people's struggles.

I am always deeply suspicious of those that seek to demean other people or are desperate to insist that something that takes a hell of a lot of effort and energy is easy.

Even if you're being dramatic.. (not saying you are) can't you talk to your friend and have a moan... isnt that what friends are there for.. a bit of sympathy or some hints and tips (seen as she knows so much better and you're dramatic) would have been a much nicer response.

I see and hear you (I have 4...2 who are neurodiverse), the best thing I was given was this poem
Dust If You Must by Rose Milligan
Dust if you must, but wouldn't it be better To paint a picture, or write a letter, Bake a cake, or plant a seed; Ponder the difference between want and need?
Dust if you must, but there's not much time, With rivers to swim, and mountains to climb; Music to hear, and books to read; Friends to cherish, and life to lead.
Dust if you must, but the world's out there With the sun in your eyes, and the wind in your hair; A flutter of snow, a shower of rain, This day will not come around again.
Dust if you must, but bear in mind, Old age will come and it's not kind. And when you go (and go you must) You, yourself, will make more dust.

Forget the house, it will still be there. Lean into it this is a bloody exhausting phase. It will get better, you will feel better and you are a good mum (if you weren't you wouldn't be questioning yourself because you wouldn't care). Nobody has it all together, pictures are snapshots in time not their whole lives. You've got this!!

Yanbu I have an almost 2yo and an 8yo. The 8yo is sooo easy, no work really and plays with the 2yo a lot too. But dh and I are absolutely broken. I'm also in my 40s so being an older mum definitely contributes. Our baby had a few health issues as well so that took its toll. It is so bloody hard.

But it's fine to still have a moan about it to a friend. Surely.

I massively dropped housekeeping standards and made sure I got sleep whenever I could.

Having said that, my eldest napped for two hours every afternoon until they were three 😍 and I used to get in pjs and under the covers!!!

It will get better, but don’t beat yourself up about shit like decorating. Just focus on your lovely little boy. The rest can wait.

It is exhausting
I've had to get up 3 times at the behest of my 2 year old whilst attempting to read this thread. Have given up and skipped to the end.
I also have a 6 year old so I know that it does get easier and it will for you.

4th interruption

Could you afford another day in childcare and grandparents take them a day at the weekend instead.
Otherwise you and DH need to tag team, one of you with toddler one of you doing basic chores then swop. My DH used to take ours to the in-laws every 2nd Sunday afternoon, I rarely went I used the time to catch up, in-laws couldn’t manage the kids on their own but were a back up for my DH as our kids ran wildly round their very large garden for the afternoon, other times I’d take them to soft play or similar and DH would crack on with chores at home.

She doesn't sound much like a friend to me.

Your friend probably has a girl! I know people will say it's not sex based but my general observation is that girls are easier as toddlers. Although they make up for it at the tween/teen age.

My DS was similar to yours. Advice I was given was 2 long walks a day in order to tire him out and then also you need to train him that you aren't available 24 hours a day. I used to tell DS that if I had my coat on it was emergencies only. I think I got that from here! But it meant that he'd trot out to the kitchen and then say - oh still got the coat on and he'd go back. DS still jokes about that now he's 18. But it meant I could get 10 mins peace after coming in from shopping or a walk or whatever.

Sounds abit judgemental to me.

TBH though I dont have kids but Im assuming its abit like with a new puppy...they completely take over your life at first then when they get abit older and more independent you finally get some breathing room and remember why you wanted them in the first place again!!😆

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate your kind words, has made me feel a lot better.

to answer some questions.

an extra day of nursery isn’t really in budget, it's £85 a day where we are!

We did discuss getting a cleaner every other week, which would be £44. (So £22 per week) which we could try to make work.

with regards to the “best mum ever” comment, I know the realities of parenting that unfortunately I can’t always be at the park and need to do washing. But ultimately I do want my child to have a fulfilled life, and I just stress a lot about the balance!

spoke with DH this evening and he is feeling equally as knackered!! We are going to do some more tag teaming, even for 2hrs. Me take DS out, and DH chill out. Then next day swap.

i absolutely adore this age but it is full on. But one day ill miss it!