Elderly man turned lecherous

[Morethanamum]

Hi, I posted a year ago that an elderly man (90y) that I started to visit at his invitation had asked for a hug on my first visit. Responses generally were that he most liked missed close contact. I was happy with this thought. I am 54, married. It came about as I would say hello at church then gradually would talk longer & he then invited me over for tea. He was quite interesting and I thought he was lonely (no family) I have been visiting monthly for a year. At last visit he said he liked having a hug & would actually like a “bit more “ he was very inappropriate & I left, though did not say anything. I just wanted to get out. I cannot believe that he thinks i would be interested in any other type of relationship with him. I don’t know how to respond when I next see him. I haven’t told anyone else even my husband. I am not sure what my AIBU is but maybe just all of it.

You need to decide if he apologised would you want to see him again?

90yr old men still have sexual feelings but he has clearly massively misjudged this.

I think you can say 'I'm very offended at what you suggested and I won't be visiting anymore' or if he apologises and you feel ok say 'I'm here as a friend and that is it. No more hugs'

Some people might say inappropriate behaviour might be dementia. It might be but equally it might just be a massive misjudgement on his part.

Did he touch you inappropriately? If so it's classed as assault. If he just made a suggestion, I hope you simply shut him down.
If I were you I'd probably not want to be his helper any more. It might be better if a male friend could take over.
If he is lonely and wants a partner could you give him some info about local groups for older people? There's nothing wrong with him seeking love and romance even at his age, but of course it needs to be with people who are interested!
As long as he understands consent and he isn't going to get handsy of course.

I wouldn't personally be comfortable visiting a relative stranger in his house on my own, whatever his age or however interesting he was. I would just assume there'd be strings attached.

That's not to blame you, OP, there probably weren't any clues he was a perv. I just think you're putting yourself in an invidious position by visiting on your own (sorry).

I wouldn’t go. He isn’t an idiot.
He propositioned a married woman who is doing him a favour.

Just stop the visits, and when you see him say 'hi Dave' and immediately look away and move on.

He's inappropriate and it's not your job to find out why or fix it.

He’s 90. What’s he going to do?

Just tell him off. Silly old fool.

Yuk. No ta. He’s overstepped the mark.

Who is this hunky demigod, so sure he can still score with a woman 40 years younger?
Assuming he looks like Cary Grant, with the bank balance and vitality of Mick Jagger yes?

Or just proof that sleazy men stay sleazy until they die 🤢

Ugh. Maybe I'm being harsh, but no. It would be a no more from me.

There are even sex workers who specialise in the elderly and disabled. I don't know how you feel about that morally, but that could be something that might make him happy?

Break all contact.

Personally he has shown who he is and I would listen to that.
If this man was 40 years old would you still be trying to minimise things and not tell anyone?

i don’t understand why there is this misconception that the elderly are somehow different from everyone else. They are still humans with the myriad of personalities that all humans have.
that means some are nice and some aren’t!
infact for some people who were always dodgy or unsavoury in life find becoming older gives them a perfect way to get away with more!

yes of course there are differing needs and in some people there are mental deteriorations or medical conditions or reasons that may affect someone’s cognitive functioning or behaviours but that still doesn’t mean that you should be exposed to this type of treatment especially if you are alone.

again if this had been a younger man who had started out with small things like I like a hug to them slowly building up to this we would all be saying he was using grooming behaviour with you!

Stop seeing him - he will know why.

TBH, ask to have a quiet chat with the adult safeguarding lead at the church.

It might be the start of cognitive decline, it might be he misread or he might have form….If the first the safeguarding lead can seek signposting advice , if the middle it will not need to go further and if the last……….the safeguarding lead can quietly act to put church safeguarding policies into action. It will NOT be made public but should be sensitively handled.

Ick. Do you think there’s some dementia involved?

@Morethanamum how awful and you are not alone. I have a similar story.

At the time the elderly man next door was well into his 80’s and his wife was still alive. Eastenders and the sense of humour was pretty ripe , I just used to laugh it off. That was a mistake.

One day I was standing at the bus stop with a pet carrier. My guinea pig needed the vet and I dont drive due to having epilepsy. Neighbour drove up and offered a lift. I gratefully accepted. Once at the vet surgery car park he leaned across and fondled my breasts. To say I was shocked , understatement! I struggled to get out, had the pet carrier designed for a cat on my lap. During the heated exchange of words he told me he was disappointed as had hoped I would be up for giving a blow job.

I confided in a friend and honestly I didn’t want to be in my own house. After a few days I could stand it no longer and woke my poor husband up at 5.00am tellimg him I had to talk. Poor DH thought I was about to tell him I wanted a divorce! Anyway , DH listened and asked me what I wanted to do. I decided I would speak to the neighbour. Which I did, told him if he ever tried that again I would never speak to him again. He admitted he was wrong but in his defence I had given him encouragement. WTF!!!! I assume he meant laughing at his (not funny) crude jokes.

I made sure my girls never had any reason to speak to the neighbour after that and I warned them what he was really like.

Roll on to when his wife died. I went to the funeral and after the service where we were all standing around looking at the flowers he insisted on a kiss. I refused. We were standing in a crowd with the other neighbours. It got awkward me repeating I was not kissing him. A woman got angry at me, for refusing. Something like for Gods sake Fortified give Ray a peck on the cheek.

He lasted a few more years. Interestingly no one told me he had died and no one asked me to his funeral. I wouldn’t have gone but clearly it was kept from me.

I have no idea if he had dementia. I don’t think he did, I think he was just a dirty old man

Yeah, being elderly doesn't mean sexuality automatically switches off.

My 91 year old Gran often tells me about how much she misses sex after being widowed three times over the years. When her last husband died 20 years ago she joked she'd have to go on the game to get her needs met. She's always been inappropriate and with weird boundaries so no, she isn't suffering from dementia. I don't think she'd be pervy towards younger men though but she will tell me who on telly she fancies. For a while a decade or so back it was bizarrely Derek Acorah!

But being elderly and still having sexual feelings doesn't give him a pass to be a perv or make you feel uncomfortable.

Don't see him again.

Quite honestly some elderly men (and I am sure women) can be very strange. My own father who was a pain in the bum and hardly god's gift visually got the idea in his late 80s that he was a "good catch".
A year after I moved into my current house an old man from up the street came up to me and asked if I was interested in doing cleaning in his house for some pin money.
I was a biotech executive at the time!
A lot of time on their hands to dream up stuff

Doesn't matter what age they are, men always try their luck.

FIL is in his mid nineties, he's very overweight, smelly and certainly not got much going for him in either the charm or looks department. I was absolutely horrified when a cleaner I had employed told me she wasn't going back as he'd made very similar advances towards her. She was early thirties and married. I later found out that a previous lady who visited his house had been subjected to similar harassment. I went absolutely mad at him and have notified social services due to safeguarding issues, as he has female carers visiting him occasionally. I am absolutely disgusted with him, what on earth makes him think a young woman would be sexually interested in him? People have suggested to me that it could be the start of some kind of dementia, yet he doesn't say inappropriate things when other people are there, he purposely targeted these women only when they were alone with him and when they didn't object at first (he asked seemingly innocent questions eg. to look more closely at something they were wearing) he then started to push the boundaries, making sexual suggestions etc. I am absolutely disgusted with him but I am the only relative he has left and I can't just abandon him. I'd never have believed it of him but reading this thread I realise, sadly, he's not the only one!

I’m sorry OP. You owe this man nothing. He has exploited your good nature instead of just appreciating it with grace. I wouldn’t be alone with him again.

I don’t know why men can’t just behave themselves. I had a male neighbour who got too touchy. Started as normal neighbourly interactions and progressed into him always trying to give me hugs, or touch my back or arms. As soon as I arrived home he’d be on the phone calling me which was strange as his living rooms were on the back of the house.

He backed right off when I met my DP and things got a lot better then, but I remember feeling so stressed that I couldn’t even escape the neighbour at home!

Well this is why I roll my eyes when people assume all elderly people are kind. Many thieves, murders, rapists, wife beaters peado’s, etc manage to live to grand old ages. If was a pervert in his 40s, he wouldn’t have grown out of it.

Just because he’s probably wears a cardigan and has a packet of Whethers Originals, doesn’t make him suddenly a nice old man.

He’s old enough to know he’s being out of order. Tell him to put a stop to it today or you won’t be coming back. He may be lonely because everyone else has told him to do one.

The most violated I’ve felt in recent years was at the hands of an elderly man who was walking behind me up the street. At first I couldn’t hear what he was whispering but then it became clear he was saying stuff he wanted to do to me sexually. He had to be in his late 70s. I couldn’t believe it. I was gobsmacked and speechless. My face was red hot with anger. All I could manage was ‘go away!’. I marched home and then cried.

This. This is in my church’s safeguarding policy. Report concerns confidentially to the safeguarding lead. S/he will know how to act, or who to consult at the higher levels of the church. Knowledge will only be shared with whoever absolutely needs to know eg a church house group lead or elder.

And yes, I had a very awkward experience in a foreign city decades ago when I was 20 - with a bloke who was in his 70s, probably as old as my grandad. He told me a story about being very grateful to British army officers in the war who had helped him etc and he liked to pay for a lunch etc for British students. Seemed harmless - in a a very large and busy restaurant. All good while eating the main course. When dessert came, he turned the conversation to sex. I had the presence of mind to say something like ‘thank you for lunch - but I’m leaving right now’, and I walked off. I was a little shaken, until I remembered that I’d had a great meal for free. I’m ashamed to say I then found it quite funny. Later on I realised that he probably did it a lot and someone else would not have been so breezy about it and I should have made a big scene and embarrassed him. Dirty old bastard.

This could be a sign of dementia- a loss of inhibitions. My mum was a carer to an elderly man who regularly propositioned her - she'd usually look exasperated and say "George, behave yourself" and he'd stop. But make sure someone else is aware of this

It could be Dementia. Loss of social boundaries is a sign of it. Visit or don’t, but he may be unable to help his behaviour.