Elderly man turned lecherous

[Morethanamum]

Hi, I posted a year ago that an elderly man (90y) that I started to visit at his invitation had asked for a hug on my first visit. Responses generally were that he most liked missed close contact. I was happy with this thought. I am 54, married. It came about as I would say hello at church then gradually would talk longer & he then invited me over for tea. He was quite interesting and I thought he was lonely (no family) I have been visiting monthly for a year. At last visit he said he liked having a hug & would actually like a “bit more “ he was very inappropriate & I left, though did not say anything. I just wanted to get out. I cannot believe that he thinks i would be interested in any other type of relationship with him. I don’t know how to respond when I next see him. I haven’t told anyone else even my husband. I am not sure what my AIBU is but maybe just all of it.

And this is why I am one of the few who shudders when you see the stories about all the school kids going into care homes to spend time with the elderly. I know from personal experience that some of those lovely old people are in fact monsters who see nothing wrong with peado behaviour and being lecherous, but have never been caught or convicted. And then we send innocent children in to parade in front of them. Makes me feel ill.

I’m 40 and this wouldn’t shock me tbh. Men never think they’re too old or too ugly. Just don’t go again.

Thanks again everyone . I now feel much more comfortable being honest it I see him again though I will not be visiting again. How sad though that with some men we are just never safe with

I think it's good to remember that people who are old often don't feel particularly old - they just feel like themselves. And an age gap once you are 90 doesn't mean much.

Some men that age were always sex pests. Some do lose inhibitions so that can be an issue (women can have this as well.) But some are just guys looking to have some kind of sexual fling and don't realize that the woman involved imagines them as a sort of asexual being.

So it's best to treat elderly men the same way you would younger men, which is to say that lots of women are careful about boundaries/making intentions clear when establishing new friendships with adult men.

I also think in some cases these guys get the sense they are hot stuff, because in the elderly population functioning males are I short supply. When my grandfather moved into a seniors residence, he had problems with being chased by women in the residence because there were something like 6 women for every man, and he was a widower. One even crossed some real boundaries, she was soon diagnosed with dementia and had to move.

Just put him right instead of telling us.

@TempestTost I agree with you. I treat all
men with a certain degree of suspicion and keep my distance whether they’re older or younger, married, single…

I'm 20. I know I have to take some stick on here cos I'm upfront with my opinions but imo ALL men are potential creeps, whatever age, and should be treated as such until you know FOR SURE that they are OK.

Personally he has shown who he is and I would listen to that.
If this man was 40 years old would you still be trying to minimise things and not tell anyone?

i don’t understand why there is this misconception that the elderly are somehow different from everyone else. They are still humans with the myriad of personalities that all humans have.
that means some are nice and some aren’t!
infact for some people who were always dodgy or unsavoury in life find becoming older gives them a perfect way to get away with more!

Totally agree with this. Perverts get old too. Just because someone gets to age 90 doesnt mean they are automatically sweet and kind and lovely and I have no idea where people get this narrative from. Its ludicrous.

He's a old pervert hitting on a much younger woman. If he was truly lonely, why isnt he asking people his own age or male to visit him? isnt it funny how its always much younger women who can only ease their "loneliness"?- funny that.

Dirty old pig. On what planet does he think he has a chance with someone almost 40 years younger than him. Definitely report to the church and cease all contact with him.

There have been lots of posts on here like yours OP and they always make me rage because you always get the "be kind" brigade telling young women (or young-er women) that its solely their responsibility to ease the loneliness of elderly men with potentially dodgy intentions and red flag behaviours.

Despite the fact that there are plenty of organisations and charities who work with the elderly to arrange social trips, companionship calls and outreach services for lonely elderly people, its always the younger female neighbour or younger female acquaintance who gets socially pressured to step up and take responsibility for it. Its never other men or people in the same age bracket and your post is exactly why you need to be careful and ignore the stupid do gooders who think its only young women who must be responsible for every old man's requests or demands.

Its not your responsibility to take care of him - if he's genuinely lonely (which he clearly isnt- he has a sexual motive which you can see now) then the church would have lots of social opportunities for him. There are many, many options for someone who is older and lonely to connect and meet with others.

Always be on guard when any older man suggests its only you (a much younger woman) who can help him feel less "lonely"- its very obvious what the motive is there and I guarantee you its not genuine "loneliness".

Disinhibition can be a sign of dementia or other mental decline- my FIL experienced this as a result of some mild brain damage following a heart attack. It was awful- awful for the people on the receiving end but also horrible to think how aghast the younger him would have been by his behaviour.

There is no reason you should endure this at all and it would be completely reasonable to stop visiting.

Pretty sure it is dementia...avoid him from now on!

I know this isn't the same but I went to a cafe where the servers were very attractive late teens to early twenties girls. There was an elderly man in there with his wife - I would say mid 70s upwards. He went to pay and the man was being so creepy to the young girls/women. It went beyond friendliness, it was him trying it on with young females, because obviously in his head he was still a sexy dude who they fancied. They looked creeped out. His wife look embarrassed. Most people grow out of wanting the validation of other people's gazes, but a lot, especially men, don't. As they age they think they are still God's gift in that painfully deluded way.

My 90 something year old uncle groped my mum once (about mid 50s at the time). She used to go over one evening a week and have a gin with him. He definitely misjudged the situation but I'm afraid he is still a man with blood flow!

I'd distance yourself and tell your husband so he can help you out a tough spot if the old man corners you at church.

It might be dementia, of course, but don't assume this. In the two cases I personally know of (including my own) dementia was not the reason. I think these men were probably always like this.

@Morethanamum OP, please please please inform the safeguarding lead at church. You need to ensure that others are protected going forward.

Pleased inform the church. Imagine it was a younger less able woman who experienced it. She'd feel shit.

It's mind boggling. Why on earth would a man in his mid 70s assume that a 19 year old would be interested in him? How can they be this delusional?

I cant get my head around it- the arrogance of it is staggering. I bet when he was age 19 he wasnt eyeing up 75 year old women FGS

I was in a carpark in Sennen Cove earlier this year and was just about to walk up the cliff path to Lands End . My husband was slightly ahead and went round a corner . This Old man walked up to me and said he was a local and offered to drive me up to a cycle track and walk with me to Lands End and back . There was something I found very creepy about him . I politely declined and luckily my husband retraced his steps and called out to me . I was gone in a flash .