Elderly man turned lecherous

[Morethanamum]

Hi, I posted a year ago that an elderly man (90y) that I started to visit at his invitation had asked for a hug on my first visit. Responses generally were that he most liked missed close contact. I was happy with this thought. I am 54, married. It came about as I would say hello at church then gradually would talk longer & he then invited me over for tea. He was quite interesting and I thought he was lonely (no family) I have been visiting monthly for a year. At last visit he said he liked having a hug & would actually like a “bit more “ he was very inappropriate & I left, though did not say anything. I just wanted to get out. I cannot believe that he thinks i would be interested in any other type of relationship with him. I don’t know how to respond when I next see him. I haven’t told anyone else even my husband. I am not sure what my AIBU is but maybe just all of it.

I remember this thread and I can’t remember what exactly I said or if i commented at all but I know MANY posters said it was a red flag and I thought so too. It appears you decided to listen to the more naive posters.

I assume you’re not planning to continue visit him as that would obviously be very unwise and unsafe.

Please report him to church safeguarding and do yourself and any other women a favour. There are often very vulnerable women in the church, once you stop visiting they could be next.

ETA: He’s old enough to be your father but I suspect he knows exactly what’s he’s doing. Either way if church are made aware, they can keep an eye out and advise anyone visiting him especially if they are lone females to go with a friend or partner.

Revolting perverts turn into elderly revolting perverts.

Have nothing to do with him, the old goat.

He’s probably delusional in thinking he’s still ‘got it’. This happens pretty frequently in care homes etc with men hitting on the workers / nurses, then turning angry/violent when turned down. And I’m not talking about dementia sufferers, just your average old man. Well, as they say, ‘There’s no fool like an old fool’.

No I really don’t think so

loss of social boundaries (unless he's been a letch all his life). is not at all unusual with cognitive decline/brain changes/dementia.
yes contact someone (adult social services or church as suggested).

Thanks everyone. Sorry to those who experienced something similar.
I suppose there were indicators but I ignored them because, well he’s 90 !
I now wonder if this was his plan all along.
Actually disappointed he is not what I thought he was.

I agree with all of this.

When I was in my very late 50s, an elderly neighbour - a widower - started to chat to me in the street. I thought nothing of it. He used to talk to my (now late) husband when he was out and about.

DH had had a stroke. Once, the neighbour tried to tell me that he was in his early 50s. (In his dreams.) I thought nothing of it, though I later told a friend that maybe his false teeth were only 50, but that would be all...

Another time, much later on - I can't remember how this came about - maybe discussion about my bus pass - he found out that I'd turned 60. Suddenly, he was also in his 60s. My husband was very much alive at this point.

I had been sympathising with the neighbour over the fact that he'd had a pacemaker fitted. He started laughing about the leaflet he'd been given about having sex...Okay, tried to get away...He then indicated that he'd like to have sex with me.

I went temporarily deaf and told him I had to get home to my husband. I never told my husband. Stroke victim or not, I believe he'd have made his anger known.

I was later able to compare notes with a couple of other women in the street who'd been their husband's carers. The old goat had tried it on with them too. It seems that he thinks he's in with a chance with such women for some strange reason.

Since my husband died, there have been no lecherous remarks, although there was once a comment about how it's easier to keep warm when two people live in a house. I avoid him like the plague, though he once extended his condolences. I thanked him and walked on.

If your connection is through church, you need to alert your parish safeguarding officer and vicar now.

Sorry to hear this, OP. Like so many others on this thread, I have had a similar experience. During the Covid pandemic, I offered to do the shopping for my elderly (mid-80s) next-door neighbour. We exchanged email addresses so he could send me his lists. His emails gradually became more personal - innuendos, confidences about his relationship with his wife and sex life, starting to call me by a pet name. Stupidly, I dismissed all the red flags because he was an old man. And this was the very excuse he used when he finally went too far and my DH got involved and made it clear that he knew exactly what he was up to.

Dirty young men turn into dirty old men.

Tell your DH. And don't see the old man anymore. He's brought this on himself.

I feel that is really minimising what the OP might be feeling. Inappropriate behaviour is the same whatever the age.

Honestly, I wanted to tell my husband but I was genuinely scared that he'd have another stroke. I'm glad you told yours.

Ergh, he's probably having a wank thinking about your hugs. Stop visiting him for your own safety he's a creep

Like a previous poster said, rapists and sexual pests don’t all drop dead the minute they are released from prison ( the ones who actually go to prison.) What happens is they grow old. They are still exactly the same though.
I would tell my dh without hesitation. Then the church warden or safeguarding team.

There are even female sex workers who specialise in the elderly and disabled men.

There, fixed that for you. Nuff said about morals. Are some people really so dim as to think elderly women don't get lonely and/or horn? Course not, but they're expected to deal with it.

yes dementia can be involved but you can also be a filthy old man.
i was getting on a train up the steps and an elderly man behind me put his hand up my skirt.
I am sure loads of people that missed that detail and thought I was a monster for slapping him in the face
I wonder how many time he got away with it

Really?! Even people in their 70s, 80s. and 90s still want to shag? I am 61 now, and post menopausal, (last period was at 53,) and I seriously, absolutely could not be bothered with sex. Went off it about 7 years ago.

DH stopped wanting it some 9 years ago (a couple of years before I did!) because he became impotent. I got fed up of him making excuses to not do it, and pushing me away (didn't realise he had a problem!) Then after about 6 months he told me why. So I went without it. (He refused to go to the GP about it! I was getting used to not having it then so wasn't hugely bothered.) Then a year or so later I went off it as well. So we have been happily celibate for about 7 years. Had a great sex life for about 30 years, then whoosh, it was gone!

I don't know if he still has 'sexual feelings' or not, but I certainly don't. If we split up - or he died, and I met someone else, I would never EVER have sex with them. So any man getting into a relationship with me would have to accept there would be no sex.

That said, I doubt I would be arsed with another man again if DH left or died. Been with him nigh on 40 years. Couldn't even imagine having another man. I am pretty sure I would just remain single for life. Maybe have male companions, for social events/daytrips/weekend away or something, but no sex. If they don't like that, they can find a horny 60-something woman to shag them. Coz I won't be doing it. Nope.

tl;dr @Morethanamum Stop seeing this creep. He sounds utterly vile. As a pp said - it sounds like some dirty, lecherous men never change. It's bad enough when they're in their 30s and 40s, but seems worse somehow when they're 60+!!! 😖

I don’t know why people think elderly men are like little sweet angels…also regarding age, that doesn’t make them suddenly harmless. My dad is 80 and he’s stronger than I am. And I’m not weak, either.

Yes, a lot of them either use this to their advantage or think that because a woman is being nice to them it's because they fancy them (rather than realising we see them as a poor old man)

Yeah this is the problem, some people don’t realise but even an elderly man is often stronger or of similar strength to a much younger woman. This is why I hate it when they release serious sex offenders in their 70s as if they’re no risk to women anymore. They’re still plenty young to go out and overpower a woman.

To the pp who said he’s not a risk because he’s 90 - that’s absolute nonsense.

If your guard is down a man of any age, whether he’s stronger than you or not, can inappropriately put his hands where you don’t want them or say something very disturbing or display himself etc

Poor you, having such a nice thing you tried to do thrown back in your face.

My friend is a carer, she was sexually assaulted by one of her elder male clients. Turned out she wasn't the first and her boss had known and not disclosed it to carers who came after the first poor woman. Apparently sending two women in at a time sorted the problem 😡

You make the point that you're 54 and he's 90. Well l'm 20 and if a man aged 56 asked for a hug I'd call the police!
OK maybe not but you get my concern I'm sure!

Agree with those saying stop visits and perhaps mention to the church.

I had something similar recently with a man nearly 70 (I'm nearly 40). He started with excessive compliments about how beautiful I was and gradually escalated. I too thought he was safe on account of his age, and him being married and a religious man.

@GrumpyPanda it's a shame if there really are no male sex workers offering a similar service, to either elderly women or elderly gays?

I'm a HCSW on a surgical ward - I can assure you that both elderly and younger men both of fully sane mind and those with dementia/ learning disabilities have tried it on.
So basically the key to dealing with it is to put a bit of physical distance between you (ie keep safe) while firmly saying that comment / behaviour is unacceptable and inappropriate in an assertive yet neutral manner.

Obviously if you're a carer you should definitely report the individual so that other carers are prepared & not sent in to the person alone.
Also in a hospital they can get in trouble with management I believe (if they have capacity).

Btw I believe it is perfectly normal for elderly men & women to have sexual feelings.. it doesn't make them 'perverts' just because they're old. It's what they DO with those feelings.

For example having an age appropriate relationship, (or even age gap relationship if the other partner is down for that) and of course masturbation are fine.
Behaving like a pest at any age is not fine.