To think if you grew up with shouty/abusive parents, it screws you up mentally

[Lemonadelime]

As above. I grew up with parents who were extremely shouty.

But the worst thing was my narcissistic mother. She had me quite young (very early 20s), and made me feel INCREDIBLY guilty about this. I’m quite successful in a creative industry (won National awards, scholarships at uni), and she would bring me down every time she attended an event associated with said discipline. At one (finals of a nationally regarded competition), she absolutely blasted me saying I did terribly, how am I smiling, how could I possibly show my face after such disaster?! I had made the bloody FINALS of a NATIONAL contest (3 people selected) and she had the audacity to say that?

The following day, she screamed at me to quit this discipline, that I’m a failure and should be so ashamed. Followed by a “if I trained in your discipline, I’d be the best in the world by now”. Which then led to “I wish you’d just disappear, because it’s shameful calling you my offspring”. Seriously, what sort of fucking parent says that to their own child (I was 17 or so at the time).

Thankfully I went abroad to an Oxbridge/Ivy League equivalent uni for said discipline (Top 3 in the world), with a scholarship and even then she managed to berate the hell out of me!

Growing up, all my friends would love buying Mother’s Day gifts/cards for their DM. Things like “worlds best mum” “love you mum” etc.
I used to think they were joking!!!!

It’s seriously impacted my life, I’ve been on AD’s for years. I look back on my childhood with so much resentment, it’s crazy. I love my children and would never subject them to anything like the above.

Anybody else grew up with an abusive/shouty parent?

I did but they are both dead now and I have two girls. I just try my hardest not to replicate that home life. I married a very calm non shouty man but unfortunately anger and shoutiness is something I have to manage in myself. My girls seem calm though and don't get riled up thankfully so I think I've succeeded not to infect them.

Just to add the home life affected my older brother significantly and he killed himself a few years ago but i managed to not internalise it ( somehow I don't know).

It sounds like it isn't the shoutiness it's what she actually said & lack of pride in your achievements.

My parents were very shouty - we were a bigger family and raised voices were common, plus they were both naturally impatient people so if you didn't jump to it the shouting started promptly. As a young child i got my bum smacked if u was naughty, everyone i knew did! It was not hard & you knew when it was coming because you knew you'd done something deliberately bad! They would never ever have said anything like your parents did. I've grown up happy, secure and resilient with great relationships with my parents and siblings.

Yes shouting is not ideal, but shouty but otherwise loving parents would only screw you up the normal amount that any parents would. It's the abusive narcissistic part that has the devastating effect on your mental health.

I'm planning my wedding at the moment, and it struck me over the weekend that my mum has never said anything nice about me- except that I'm clever. She never says I'm pretty, or something about me looks nice. She has occasionally complimented my clothes, if I'm wearing something unflattering that came from matalan or whatever. My dad was the same, he never praised me or complimented me about anything. Even at my first wedding, his speech was all about how clever I was (I'm not terribly clever!), but what a disappointment I was.

It stays with you all your life.

Well done on your achievements op, you sound amazing, & so strong to have carried on despite your mother trying to destroy you.
There Isn’t anything you can do to change your past, ( I had an abusive upbringing ) but I was determined not to be anything like my Mother, & thankfully I’m not. That’s all I could do? and somehow, somewhere, trying to understand her. Maybe she’d been abused? who knows?
But it was a long time ago now and I barely think about her now.

You sound really lovely op and the kind of daughter I’d be bursting with pride over.
And your children have a wonderful Mother in you.
never forget that.

Surely it’s what she said though, shouting to put your shoes on/tidy your room or getting irritated )usual parenting stuff) is not going to cause major mental health issues in later life.

She massively belittled your achievements-I should imagine from early childhood as well - of course that’s going to affect you.
I massively compliment my DCs (adults now) as I didn’t get much of it as a child, but I don’t ‘lie’ so they know I mean it (if that makes sense).

Thank you for your kind message. Well done to yourself too, this journey is so hard. Especially when you’ve grown up in this crap environment, it’s VERY difficult to not project it onto your own children. Couldn’t agree more about trying to understand where it’s coming from- especially the bit about them being abused by their own parents. Thanks for sharing your experience :)

Oh man, I totally get what you mean when you said your mother had never complimented you. It really affects you doesn’t it, completely agree it stays with you forever. Sorry you had this experience as well.

This. Theres a massive difference between parents shouting/raising their voice because theyve told the kids to put their shoes on twice now and they're still parked in front of the telly? And delivering a tirade of nastiness, which is what you got OP.

I always get annoyed by people putting 'shouting/abuse' as if they are one and the same, they arent.
I mean mum shouting up the stairs for kids to come collect their clean laundry? Or shouting 'stop that!' when their two early teens are whacking each other? Is not abuse.

absolutely it will affect you
i would have as little as possible to do with her in your shoes

My Dad was lovely, my Mum was awful. He spent the majority of his time at work but understandable with 4 children and a single income.

She shouted constantly and could nag for England and nothing we did was right. Most of the nagging was about money.

I made my mind up I'd never nag and I'd earn my own money and live within my means. This is what I've done, I'm happy and content and not at all affected by my childhood.

Argh, I was actually trying to change the title of this post but it was too late! Anyway, I agree shouting and abuse aren’t the same. But always being shouted abusive insults somehow made it 100x worse? I don't know, maybe it’s the volume and threatening nature of it all? Being shouted at definitely affected my self esteem, I find it so difficult to speak up now. Who knows if it’s from the actual shouting part or the abuse though ☹️

I hate how the word narcissism is thrown about online, but the whole "if I did what you did I would be the best in the world" sounds like Trump! If she wasn't so bloody awful to you that comment would almost be funny.

I'm sorry for what you have been through. Childhood experiences like yours do have a long term effect. I hope you are able to see this is all on her and you sound like you have achieved some amazing things at a very young age.

Even at my first wedding, his speech was all about how clever I was (I'm not terribly clever!), but what a disappointment I was

What a bastard! I never let my Dad give a speech at my wedding as I knew he would do this.

OP, I am so sorry about your awful abusive Mother. Agree with PPs you are an amazingly talented and successful person who has focused, worked hard and achieved! Well done to you! : )

Shouting is destructive, you are right OP. My kids’ dad has autism and poor emotional regulation and shouts at them daily when he’s with them. It’s really badly affected them both, internalized guilt, shame, low self esteem and hypersensitivity to threat and rejection. Even though he otherwise loves them.

I’ll never forgive him for it.

I had a similar upbringing but it was my father who was the abusive one. The horrible things that were said, the nice things that were not said, the manipulation, the control.

But honestly, if he hadn’t been shouty, I don’t think I would have been even half as affected by it as I am. I must say that “shouty” doesn’t adequately describe what it was like, it was more akin to an extremely aggressive threat of violence, I honestly thought at times (when I was small) that I would die from the terror of it. If I speak to people now who remind me of him I have a completely involuntary meltdown (can’t breathe, can’t think, crying, shaking, palpitations).

Then of course even once I’d grown up I was conditioned to be extremely scared of him and his “shouting”. I still get nervous being in a room with him now, even though he is old and infirm now (I make sure this is only ever fleetingly and I hover in the doorway so I can get out easily).

I have, over the years, come to view him as not a full human. He looks like one, can mimic one in public, but has something fundamental missing that make him utterly incapable of empathy, and exquisitely adept at hurting. This is not to let him off the hook but to remind myself that I didn’t deserve what I went through, it wasn’t my fault and in fact was never based on my actions, but was a result of his defective personality.

I don’t know if it was the same for you with your mum @Lemonadelime but the shouting was so damaging. More like spitting poison, like a complete loss of control. Subconscious fear and shame and anger and jealousy that bubbled over and made them demonic.

All that sounds like hyperbole but I’m really trying to explain what it felt like as a child growing up with that malevolent threat there all the time at home, in the place where you are supposed to feel safe from one of the few people you are supposed to feel safe with.

This is so different from a parent who gets a bit frustrated when their kids don’t hop to when they’re rushing out the door and says at the top of their voice “get your shoes on - we’re going NOW and I’ve had enough of repeating myself!”. There is just no comparison.

Oh @BlameGamer youve articulated it perfectly. I so get what you mean. Spitting poison is exactly how I felt, and I remember getting so anxious over the terror, too. Also it’s like they have so much venom and anger in their tone, they could explode at any second… It’s awful isn’t it? And yes to feeling like walking on eggshells at home, trying to avoid a conflict from starting. Horrible.

Yes, completely different to a parent shouting at them to hurry up etc. So sorry you’ve dealt with this, thank you for sharing your story. Hope you are doing much better now ❤️

Yes, completely agree. Why shout when you could speak in a much more civilised, calm manner? The point you’re trying to make would be communicated far, far better. So sorry for your children, that’s really tough 😓

Yes, I grew up in a very shouty household. My Dad never hit my Mum, but he constantly threatened to. He would often punch the walls, throw objects across the room, smash plates and glasses. My Mum argued back, but most of the arguments were started by him. He isn't like this anymore, as he's frail and elderly. Me and my sibling do everything for him, but it still rankles all these years later. I knew we were loved though. As mad as that sounds. We were treated well despite the arguments.

@Lemonadelime I just knew when I read what you’ve written that you “get it” because you’ve been through it. And yes to thinking they could explode! So accurate!

Yes, my F was like that, aggressive, nasty, controlling, constantly threatening. I saw how my dm was treated. Basically a life of domestic drudgery with no way out. Growing up in fear leaves its mark. His resentment of my place at university was evident every day. He did everything he could to prevent it.

I've succeeded. Decent career, nice home, wonderful son.

But I will never trust a man. I'll never tie myself legally to a man or risk a shared mortgage. The ability to leave at little notice is essential to my peace of mind.

Abuse leaves deep scars.

And my DH experienced very similar. Quite a well off family, and from the outside all looked good with the big house and nice holidays, but in reality his parents argued non stop, and his mother regularly punched him in the face, for the smallest of misdemeanours, such as taking a biscuit without asking!

@Lemonadelime Yes I hear you and experienced similar and it affected my life, too. Mother's Day in particular is really tough. I have to take a deep breath around those cards like "Mum you're my best friend" or 'Mum you're always there for me".

I have worked a lot on this, there are lots of good resources out there that can help lessen that past pain and boost your self esteem and help you 'reparent' yourself as an adult and fill that painful void.

If you're interested, look up "ACON" (Adult Children Of Narcissist) and 2 great books by Lindsey Graham:
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
Self-Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703

@Blondiebeachbabe 😳 That's awful for your DH

I think some people are amazing for surviving abuse like that and coming out relatively okay.