To think if you grew up with shouty/abusive parents, it screws you up mentally

[Lemonadelime]

As above. I grew up with parents who were extremely shouty.

But the worst thing was my narcissistic mother. She had me quite young (very early 20s), and made me feel INCREDIBLY guilty about this. I’m quite successful in a creative industry (won National awards, scholarships at uni), and she would bring me down every time she attended an event associated with said discipline. At one (finals of a nationally regarded competition), she absolutely blasted me saying I did terribly, how am I smiling, how could I possibly show my face after such disaster?! I had made the bloody FINALS of a NATIONAL contest (3 people selected) and she had the audacity to say that?

The following day, she screamed at me to quit this discipline, that I’m a failure and should be so ashamed. Followed by a “if I trained in your discipline, I’d be the best in the world by now”. Which then led to “I wish you’d just disappear, because it’s shameful calling you my offspring”. Seriously, what sort of fucking parent says that to their own child (I was 17 or so at the time).

Thankfully I went abroad to an Oxbridge/Ivy League equivalent uni for said discipline (Top 3 in the world), with a scholarship and even then she managed to berate the hell out of me!

Growing up, all my friends would love buying Mother’s Day gifts/cards for their DM. Things like “worlds best mum” “love you mum” etc.
I used to think they were joking!!!!

It’s seriously impacted my life, I’ve been on AD’s for years. I look back on my childhood with so much resentment, it’s crazy. I love my children and would never subject them to anything like the above.

Anybody else grew up with an abusive/shouty parent?

My parents were like that but as an adult i have limited contact and rarely think about it whatsoever

I dont sit blaming them for anything, they had their own issues - they are humans not gods

Now my mum is dead and I've cut my sister off life is so much more peaceful.

My sister turned out just like our mother is that all she does is scream and shout and argue and swear and name call and belittle and escalate every disagreement.

Now I live life with no one screaming at me and calling me a bitch, bastard or cunt for absolutely nothing anymore.

It does mess you up. When you realise that it is so abnormal and your default response is to go crazy for nothing yourself too.

One example I'll give you is that when i was a a young 20s my mum went to bed earlier than normal. I hadn't realised she was gone for the night and thought she was coming back.

I went upstairs to bed leaving the lights and TV on as i thought she was coming back. I had to up for work early.

Mum got up to the loo most nights and I was awoken by her screaming at the top of her lungs. She was like a woman possessed. She was literally screaming OH NOOOO! YOUVE LEFT THE FUCKING LIGHTS ON YOU LAZY LITTLE FUCKING BITCH.

She then got up at 6am (slightly earlier than me) went down stairs and realised the TV was on too and charged around screaming the TV TOO YOU LAZY BITCH...

I walked out the front door to work ignoring her and I texted her later saying that was the first time I had ever done that, I didn't realise she'd gone to bed and I don't think I deserved to be woken up at 3am then 6am by her screaming and swearing at me. For perspective I left the lights on, I hadn't killed someone

Now she is dead I am no longer screamed at and spoken to like this because she always did it whether I lived there or not.

Thank you for starting this post, OP. Growing up in an abusive household leaves such big scars that others find so difficult to understand. My mother kicked me, called me a slut, encouraged me to drink underage, ridiculed me if I showed interest in school, despite this, I made it out and have a career. No idea how sometimes. We had police at the door frequently, she was always in the pub at the weekends so much so that I can’t remember ever doing a weekend activity with her. Remembering being woke up in bed by a policeman searching the house. I never knew my father, I still feel I can’t ask about him and I’m in my 40s. I am a mum now and my children never see me drunk, never come downstairs to find random drunks in their living room, never have to clean up drug paraphernalia so their siblings don’t get hurt. It is a lot OP, but cycle breakers like us although it is tiring are very strong. Big hug.

Growing up, all my friends would love buying Mother’s Day gifts/cards for their DM. Things like “worlds best mum” “love you mum” etc.
I used to think they were joking!!!!

I was in my 30s when I realised that other people’s mothers were a source of succour to them.

The older I get the more I see how having an unpredictable, intentionally hurtful mother has impacted me.

"Cylce breakers like us" is such a wonderful way to phrase it. The trauma stops with you and doesn't carry on to the next generation. The only way to correct such horrible experiences.

No. But I have met a lot of people who did. With PTSD.

Shouting, angry narcissistic parents blight people’s entire lives. This is why no or low contact is a thing.

Same.

Raging, explosive, apoplectic temper. He had wild hair, yellow bugling eyes and would tap dance on the spot with fury. I am an only child so his poison was undiluted.

My mum was terrified of him too. I used to stick up for her.

I remember, once, when I was at university, he was passing through my uni town and stopped to take me out to lunch. I had to go and throw up in the ladies' loos, such was my utter terror of being around him.

He died young of alcoholism so it ended when I was in my late twenties. I went into therapy to deal with it all.

Despite all the therapy - and he's been dead for decades- it left me with a legacy of fear around anyone's anger. It plunges me, straight away, into that same state of terror.

I knew my family was odd. Not right. Determined that I would rewrite the end of my story. I am a hands-on, loving mum of adult daughters and we are very close. But I married a shouty, hot-headed man. I didn't realise it when I married him (young). He's got worse over the years (grumpy old man/ gammon now) but nothing at all like my Dad.

It does irreversible harm. No doubt.

Love is an action, isn’t it? Not much good to claim it but not show it. Children remember what you did, not what you claim.

Reading through these posts has given me plenty to talk about with my therapist next week.

My motivation as a parent is not repeating the same mistakes. Listening to my child. Keeping appropriate boundaries. Treating them in an age appropriate manner, understanding that they can only have child emotions and I have to have adult emotions. Letting them be themselves, follow their own path… and understanding that my role is as a supporter and advisor, not a dictator.

Thank you so much to everyone who shared their stories. Sobering to hear everyone’s stories but equally impressed by the resilience of you all. Hugs to anyone going through similar xx

@bombastix Thanks so much. It's a such a simple but lovely statement. Has helped me hold in to something in what has been a very trying week.

I dont agree that a shouty parent automatically means your doomed for life - i grew up with pretty shouty parents, but they loved me, told me they did, and never once was discouraging - they shouted for me to try better etc. Sounds like your mum was awful tho. Im not a shouty parent - but i have been known to shout a bit here and there - my children absolutely know i love them and im not abusive because i shout - there is only so many times i can say brush your teeth before losing the will to live