To think if you grew up with shouty/abusive parents, it screws you up mentally

[Lemonadelime]

As above. I grew up with parents who were extremely shouty.

But the worst thing was my narcissistic mother. She had me quite young (very early 20s), and made me feel INCREDIBLY guilty about this. I’m quite successful in a creative industry (won National awards, scholarships at uni), and she would bring me down every time she attended an event associated with said discipline. At one (finals of a nationally regarded competition), she absolutely blasted me saying I did terribly, how am I smiling, how could I possibly show my face after such disaster?! I had made the bloody FINALS of a NATIONAL contest (3 people selected) and she had the audacity to say that?

The following day, she screamed at me to quit this discipline, that I’m a failure and should be so ashamed. Followed by a “if I trained in your discipline, I’d be the best in the world by now”. Which then led to “I wish you’d just disappear, because it’s shameful calling you my offspring”. Seriously, what sort of fucking parent says that to their own child (I was 17 or so at the time).

Thankfully I went abroad to an Oxbridge/Ivy League equivalent uni for said discipline (Top 3 in the world), with a scholarship and even then she managed to berate the hell out of me!

Growing up, all my friends would love buying Mother’s Day gifts/cards for their DM. Things like “worlds best mum” “love you mum” etc.
I used to think they were joking!!!!

It’s seriously impacted my life, I’ve been on AD’s for years. I look back on my childhood with so much resentment, it’s crazy. I love my children and would never subject them to anything like the above.

Anybody else grew up with an abusive/shouty parent?

Even now when I visit my parents it feels like the whole place is littered with egg shells .
A glass without a coaster
Going up the stairs the wrong way,
Doing something totally normal being undermined ' I hope you don't do that at work'

I'm politely and firmly lowish contact, I don't volunteer stuff, so it can't be reversed and I mostly stick to the weather and her neighbours health.

Totally agree, there's a difference between a shouted instruction to stop pulling your brother's hair and being bawled/screamed at aggressively. My mum did this to me and siblings from a very young age and when you're tiny it's terrifying and puts you straight into fight or flight mode. Definitely abusive.

Oh I was late to the thread and see others have already said this.. fear does indeed leave a mark. Well said.

Both my parents had serious anger management issues and yelled pretty much non stop when we were kids. Tbh, the main effect that has had on me is that I’m unmoved by shouting- it’s just noise- and other people being angry doesn’t trouble me a huge amount either. It was the vicious stuff my mum came out with that had an impact. She could be horrible, and that has definitely helped shape me.

Im sorry for everyone here that had a parent like that. Im really sorry.

My uncle never raised his voice. He was controlled, calm and cruel, and absolutely terrifying, because you knew whatever he did and said, there was no heat of the moment, it was deliberate and premeditated. He was a nasty bastard and I'd take my shouty mum over him all day every day. However, abuse can take many forms and be loud or quiet. It's the words, intention and impact that matters and your mum was clearly abusive to you.

Wow, try telling that to the past posters on here with similar stories. Putting behind childhood abuse because it shouldn’t have to screw you up…. Sounds like a great solution!! 👍🏼

My mother was...quite awful, really, in many ways.

On the milder side, she never praised achievements if she didn't think the subject was 'worthy', she never told me I was pretty/clever/nice to be around, and certainly didn't instil any thoughts of being capable of a good career. So I grew up with (and still have, in some areas) cripplingly low self-esteem.

On the more unpleasant side- she beat me about the head and shoulders as I crouched on the floor, at least twice that I can remember, for minor reasons (being 5 minutes late home was one misdemeanour). She repeatedly tried to encourage me to 'forgive' my sexually abusive oldest brother, and used me as a sounding board for how terribly he treated her.

She divorced my Dad when I was 10 and spent the rest of her life saying really horrible things about him.

All while telling me loudly what a great mother she was.

So yes, it does screw you up mentally. I've never had a career. My dearest wish was to have a loving ,'normal' family home. I've divorced twice because I chose poorly twice, but I have two amazing and wonderful children who are my greatest joy, but I think I could have done something great in a career too.

What I do have, in spades, is resilience. So nothing knocks me back for long.

i don’t want to sound like I’m preaching but get into therapy now. Somewhere inside there’s an inner child who’s shell shocked and running on a hyper alert mode. You won’t even realise this because you’ve only ever felt this way so it’s your normal. If you don’t let your inner child heal you will wind up with chronic fatigue, insomnia, adhd and a variety of other psychosomatic illnesses (don’t ask me how I know 🙄)

It's quite difficult for people who haven't been on the end of this to understand. Most people have had an experience of a parent shouting at them or losing control over lost items/messy bedrooms/teenage back chat. Parents are not perfect they snap occasionally. People think this what you're talking about when you try and explain. But this is on a different level. It's the intensity of anger, vitriolic is a good description. But it's also very very personally directed, deeply directed at you. Not the lost item or messy room or general frustration but you. You are made to feel lesser, not good enough or a failure. And yes it can fuck you up. I've had several extended periods of therapy, a really positive long term relationship and a concerted effort to parent differently. It's taken an achingly long time, with incremental improvements, but I no longer feel responsible or a bad person. Big strength to all those on the journey 💪

She is bitterly jealous of you. At best you might be able to feel sorry for her - she clearly feels she’s hasn’t achieved what she deserved. But also you don’t need people like this in your life. She needs therapy to deal with her own issues and you probably do too to help you step away from her in a way that suits you

The way your parents treat you as a child, literally affects the way your brain develops. Having a shouty parent is one thing, it’s the lack of love and security, being constantly made to feel that there is nowhere safe and that you are a sub standard human being, that’s what causes the damage. I’m sorry OP, my Mum was the same. She’s extremely manipulative and everything has to show her in a good light, regardless of the damage it does.
As an adult, it’s easy to see and avoid people like this. As a child it’s imprinted on your brain that abuse is normal. I don’t think it’s impossible to undo but I think it takes a lot of time and effort.

I'm a completely different mother to the one that I grew up with.

As a result, I have a much better relationship with my daughter.

My sister and I have coped very differently with the childhood we had. I was also much less affected by it when I was younger than her but have struggled with it more as I age.

My father was a rear gunner in Lancaster bombers during WW2. He did two tours of duty, with each one being forty raids each. He came back with a halo of terrifying anger and I was very frightened of him. My mother used to say "He doesn't mean it, dear". The concept of PTSD was unknown then. He died of a heart attack when I was ten. I was relieved.
I have inherited his clever mind and courage. If people raise their voices to me now, I challenge them in a calm manner. If they continue to do so, I walk away.

Well, OP, my mother was a narcissist, father military, both emotionally abusive, Communist country.
I never had any children, was extremely strong
to make a good life for myself, but what to say.
This stays with you all your life, whatever you try.
Particularly the upbringing of my generation was destructive.
My step sister in a mental health asylum, cousin commited suicide.
I help myself by hating my parents and
our so called "silent generation", who were absolute bastards.Trying not to hate myself at 45.
Dire, hard.
☹️

My mother used to shout abuse too, OP. Her specialisms for me included selfish bitch, nasty piece of work, slag. When I was a child/teenager. It's weird though as she also used to 'love bomb' me with compliments and tell me how I was so clever, hardworking, pretty, popular etc. I never felt like I was good enough. I think she was happy if I did the things she wanted and would celebrate those achievements but if did something wrong I'd get the shouting. I used to take deep breaths and try to calmly explain my point of view and she'd just go nuts, slamming doors, screaming.
I've cut contact with her this weekend. I've said for years that I couldn't because of this reason or that, but I just did it off the the back of something minor. It's like it suddenly became clear to me how much better my life would be without her. Still early days but hopefully on a path to something better.
Can you limit contact in any way?

I’m a shouty Mum and I despise myself for it. I’ve just shouted at my pair because one hit the other and the other then started winding the other one up. I struggle with how relentless they are, and I get frustrated then shouty.

but I hate myself. I always always say sorry but actually I know shouldn’t do it in the first place and I love them both so much and am so proud of them. But I’m heartbroken reading how it made you all feel

@MabelMoo23 it also depends what you say though. Do you call them names, mock them, tell them they've ruined your life and wish they hadn't been born? That's the kind of thing my mum used to say. Also lots of martyr talk 'I spend every last penny on you and nothing for myself and you've lost your xxx' or whatever. This would be followed by silent treatment.
Also, you can change. There are lots of books out there on effective behaviour management to give you other strategies for the kids, and also books for you to help you manage your emotions.

@PonyPatter44 This brings back so many unfortunately bad memories. I was waiting to walk down the aisle and was told "I don't know why you chose that dress" ....

I'm sorry you were abused.

I know how you feel when others are gushing over their mums or mums are gushing over their DCs.

It's so alien to me.

I try to rectify those mistakes with my own dc but it's hard when you have no role models.

@XitStratagy I think we share the same type of parent! I'm currently lessening contact gradually. I don't share info either as it gets twisted whatever.

@CantDecideAUsename Absolutely xx

Childhood absolutely shapes people, and parents play a huge part in that. One thing that surprised me most about growing up was realising that parents were just regular people; flawed and don't magically change when they have children (unfortunately). I think more people recognise negative behaviours and cycles are starting to break.