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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this really isn't normal?

143 replies

Rosie129 · 12/08/2024 00:41

My friend admitted today that her DD (5) hasn't done anything all summer holidays. Just stayed inside on her tablet. Apparently her DD hasn't wanted to go anywhere. They said if they do 'can they bring the tablet?' She said she's been staying up till 1-2am every night just on the tablet and not sleeping. She lets her watch the tablet whilst having her dinner. My friend said she won't eat anything if she's not watching something during it. I have witnessed it and she doesn't respond to anyone whilst on the tablet, she's just completely fixated on the screen and ignores everyone

OP posts:
Snacksgalore · 12/08/2024 08:19

MSLRT · 12/08/2024 07:44

I think a lot of mums work these days, and from home, so it’s a way of keeping their children quiet and occupied. I know it’s easy to judge but is it any worse from kids watching a lot of tv during the day? I know we all did when my mum was working. The staying up late isn’t great though.

It’s not worse. They’re both neglect. Child abuse.

SoTiredNeedHoliday · 12/08/2024 08:21

@Rosie129 I think what you describe almost stacks up as child neglect...... That's so sad, I feel really bad for the poor 5 year old - what a life 😢

Trumptonagain · 12/08/2024 08:30

To those that let their DC spend hours on a tablet it's normal.

To those that don't it's not normal.

There is no 'is it or isn't it' where mobil devices and parenting are concerned on MN.

For me it's a no it's not normal.

GalacticalFarce · 12/08/2024 08:32

Unfortunately, this is more common than people like to think. The adults are all addicted to their phones and it's shit all around.

JoyousPinkPeer · 12/08/2024 08:37

That is child abuse

UnicornSpace · 12/08/2024 08:38

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

WhySoManySocks · 12/08/2024 08:45

This is far from normal and terribly sad.

My kids (similar age) beg for tablets all day. We limit it to “after 5pm, and only if the toys hve been put away”. They can entertain themselves nicely u til 5, but on the one day we have allowed more (because I was ill), their behaviour at bedtime was awful and they asked for tablet much more the next day. It is absurd awful after a few hours, let alone after a whole summer of it.

1983Louise · 12/08/2024 08:51

GoodLordyTheExcusesWeMakeForThem · 12/08/2024 03:47

Sounds like neurodivergence to me. Has the child been assessed?

Why does everything need to be ND, she's a lazy parent. My 5 year old granddaughter has tablet time, when I think she's had enough I take the tablet away from her and we do something else. This is called parenting, a 5 year old doesn't realise the damage it can do, a parent does. This is why parents are having behaviour problems with older children because they've never dared to say no to them.

BeyondMyWits · 12/08/2024 08:53

It is not necessarily being addicted to and using the tablet that is the problem here. The complete lack of physical activity is a big problem. Muscles waste and wither when not used... kids need to run around to build strong muscles, need to jump and play to aid building strong bones.

I have two 6 year old nieces who do crafts and read all summer (my sister would never have them on screens, but doesnt see that exercise is needed) - they can't walk for more than 30 minutes at a time without whinging because they just don't move enough - not just for those 6/7 weeks.

Inactivity is a killer.

BCBird · 12/08/2024 08:57

Not normal.

Noshowlomo · 12/08/2024 09:19

This isn’t normal. My son LOVES mad YouTubers, and would watch it all day but we get him out most days, so we had 5 hours at the beach yesterday so of course when we got home he watched a bit, then we all went for a little walk before bed. Balance is key but l day and nothing else.... that sounds awful!

katepilar · 12/08/2024 09:19

You dont really need to ask whether this is U, do you. Are you sharing the shock and feeling helpless about the child? Do you feel you should do something but realise you actually cant?
The mother/parants are quite likely too tires and clueless to do something about it.

PerkyMintDeer · 12/08/2024 09:29

It's not normal, no, We had a screen addicted child like this in our extended family. It was absolutely down to terrible, negligent parenting.

All started because they never wanted their kids to cry. They had a policy of never saying "no, you can't" and they couldn't bear the idea of their kids being unhappy for even a second. So they'd give then whatever they wanted. I can remember this particular child eating 8 yogurts in a row (to "keep them happy and shut them up") when they were about 2.

By 5 they were glued to screens.

At 7, they had no bed time (neither did their siblings). The adults would go to bed first and the kids would go when they felt like it. They'd be awake most of the night, playing xbox live with adult men in the USA. Tickets would be bought for theme parks, holidays of a lifetime (Disney/Universal/Legoland etc) and they'd refuse to go because they'd rather be playing on the xbox or ipad and one adult would always have to stay home too, so missed out. In the event they did get out to a theme park, they'd sulk and moan and throw a tantrum until they were taken home, even at 14 years old. On the one holiday they were banned from taking their gadgets, they somehow managed to buy a second hand xbox (that would only work in that country) off their birthday/holiday money with only 3 days of the holiday left. "Their money, their choice".

They decided at 7 that the only bed they could possibly sleep in was their parents' kingsize. There was only one room big enough for a kingsize. So their parents were turfed out of their bedroom. One slept on the sofa for years, the other in a twin bed in the child's room. Both parents 6ft tall or thereabouts and wracked with physical pain from their jobs and various ailments. The child then tried this with their disabled grandparents when they were staying. Called them evil and weird (even though they bought the child a king airbed!) and threw a tantrum for saying no, openly mocking them about it for years. Limited contact with grandparents and uncles/aunts/cousins due to concerns about the kids behaviour being ignored or resulting in verbal abuse towards the relatives.

This particular kid had hardly any friends (one, I think). Was allowed to eat absolute crap and get obese (diet was basically chips, chocolate, bread, pancakes and full sugar fizzy drinks all day, everyday). Never played out or went to the park. As an older teenager accidentally set the house on fire, because they were busy playing xbox and forgot their dinner was on the stove while home alone. Continued playing xbox while there was a burglar in the house when they were home alone, let them steal 1000s of pounds of other stuff and basically just ignored the man nicking stuff because they were "too busy to deal with it".

As time went on - Didn't have any romantic/sexual relationships, no friends. Rude demeanour, no social skills. Awful personal hygiene.

They're now an adult. Had a failed attempt at uni as couldn't survive independently. Now still living at home, taking classes, working a very menial badly paid job very part-time. No friends. No romantic relationships. Obese. Bad hygiene. Just a very small, lonely, sad life.

Not ND. Just really, really neglected by parents with no skills.

Their siblings are worse...tik tok addicted self obsessed adults with no jobs or education who have never left home but can't stop popping out babies who are themselves by age 1 already obese due to being weaned on junk food, addicted to screens and largely "parented" by their useless grandparents. So the cycle continues.

It's only now the kids are in their 20s and unable to live independently, making poor choices and making the parents uncomfortable in their own home, that the parents are beginning to think they went wrong somewhere. For years, anyone who tried to show even the gentlest concern was written off as "old fashioned", "boring", "up-tight" and we were told this was just modern parenting and we needed to get with the times.

I consider it to be the worst case of child neglect I have seen first hand in a 20+ career in education. They destroyed those beautiful kids' chances of being fully functional adults and essentially made them outcasts as none of their peers wanted to be friends with them and no employer will put up with them. They are also all very arrogant, rude and self centred, so as a result even close family have went NC.

I sincerely hope the parents of this 5 year old wake up before she loses out on her childhood too. Unlimited screen time and addictive behaviour at 5 is a very bad sign for her future.

GalacticalFarce · 12/08/2024 10:13

BeyondMyWits · 12/08/2024 08:53

It is not necessarily being addicted to and using the tablet that is the problem here. The complete lack of physical activity is a big problem. Muscles waste and wither when not used... kids need to run around to build strong muscles, need to jump and play to aid building strong bones.

I have two 6 year old nieces who do crafts and read all summer (my sister would never have them on screens, but doesnt see that exercise is needed) - they can't walk for more than 30 minutes at a time without whinging because they just don't move enough - not just for those 6/7 weeks.

Inactivity is a killer.

The importance of being active is so underestimated. Not only is it linked to physical health but also mental health with links to self esteem and resilience.
It's also linked to our health in old age and risk of dementia.
Similar story to pp, I also know someone who has thrown their life away because their parents indulged him and let him stay in his room constantly gaming, even bringing up his meals to him and taking away the dirty plates from his bedroom.
He's still living at home with no prospects or desire to achieve at 27. He's actually fairly bright too. Really sad.

Timetothink54321 · 12/08/2024 10:21

BeyondMyWits · 12/08/2024 08:53

It is not necessarily being addicted to and using the tablet that is the problem here. The complete lack of physical activity is a big problem. Muscles waste and wither when not used... kids need to run around to build strong muscles, need to jump and play to aid building strong bones.

I have two 6 year old nieces who do crafts and read all summer (my sister would never have them on screens, but doesnt see that exercise is needed) - they can't walk for more than 30 minutes at a time without whinging because they just don't move enough - not just for those 6/7 weeks.

Inactivity is a killer.

I think both the physical inactivity AND the addiction are a big problem. At that age your neural pathways will literally be being formed via constant interaction with a screen won’t they? Agree though they will be losing physical fitness, social skills and creative skills too.

Poor child 😪

PotatoLeopard · 12/08/2024 10:26

It’s not what I would do, it’s not a particularly healthy lifestyle.
It is however, increasingly normal in that an increasing percentage of parents do it. And, from my experience through working with families, it isn’t linked to any particular demographic.

FromAClosetInNorway · 12/08/2024 10:51

TimeForTeaAndG · 12/08/2024 00:44

Soooo...what's your AIBU? Does your friend want parenting advice? Is DD neurodivergent?

Not taking your child out to a single place during the holidays, allowing them to watch screens all day until 2am etc, is shit, lazy parenting. It's got nothing to do with ND. Yes screens can help children regulate and self sooth but it shouldn't be encouraged.

Rosie129 · 12/08/2024 12:19

Thanks everyone. She doesn’t work, her partner does though. She said she does ask DD if she wants to go out and it’s always ‘no don’t want to do that’. Then if she does say yes to going somewhere, apparently asks to bring the tablet. I think she does have tantrums so she just gives in and lets her have it. With the sleep thing, she’s told me before she goes to bed really late. Apparently she will scream and cry if the tablet is taken away so lets her stay up with it and fall asleep when she’s ready, which is often 1am-2am and then she sleeps in in the morning

OP posts:
PerkyMintDeer · 12/08/2024 13:17

Rosie129 · 12/08/2024 12:19

Thanks everyone. She doesn’t work, her partner does though. She said she does ask DD if she wants to go out and it’s always ‘no don’t want to do that’. Then if she does say yes to going somewhere, apparently asks to bring the tablet. I think she does have tantrums so she just gives in and lets her have it. With the sleep thing, she’s told me before she goes to bed really late. Apparently she will scream and cry if the tablet is taken away so lets her stay up with it and fall asleep when she’s ready, which is often 1am-2am and then she sleeps in in the morning

And the answer, quite frankly is, "tough shit".

Or...in more acceptable language for a 5 year old, "oh well".

Why is she asking her? She should be telling her. All this child has learned is that if she screams and cries and throws a tantrum (5 is getting old for tantrums), she gets anything she wants.

"Right DD, we're off out the park in ten minutes. Do you want to wear your pink trainers or your blue ones? No, we can't take the tablet to the park, you won't need it. You can take a ball or your scooter though. Which would you like?"

"Dd, you've got 10 mins of screen time left. Afterwards you can paint or you can learn how to make soup with me if you like. What wiuld you prefer?"

"Dd, it's bed time at 7.30pm. It's time to start winding down. Let's pick a book together for bedtime. Which one of your teddies would you like in beside you tonight? Barney or Daisy?"

"Dd it's now past your bedtime. It's ok if you can't sleep straight away but it IS bed time so I'm afraid you can't be downstairs now. You can read, or listen to your tonies until you fall asleep but you must stay in your room. No tablet at bed time. You've had all your screen time today and the wifi is switched off now until tomorrow. Let's look for a good book for your to read until you fall asleep."

"It's bed time now dd. Back to bed."

Rinse and repeat.

"I hate you!!!"

"I want my tablet!!!"

"I want to watch youtube!!!"

"I don't want to!!!"

"You're the worst mum ever!!!"

"Oh well. Back to bed."

"Oh well. No, you've had your screen time so you'll just have to find something else to do."

"Oh well. It's time for the park now so I'm afraid that can't be changed."

I mean...the woman just needs to stop pandering to a child and actually be a parent. What's she so scared of? And is she so scared of her child that she's willing to ruin said child's chances in life like my young relatives?

WhatNoRaisins · 12/08/2024 13:37

While I know that this isn't what gentle parenting actually promotes I think that there is a group of parents who have read around the area and who genuinely believe this is what it means. Things like negotiation rather making a child do something or that it's abusive to let a child tantrum or cry and you do whatever you have to in order to keep them happy.

Could this be what's happened here or is it just laziness?

ANiceCuppaTeaandBiscuit · 12/08/2024 14:26

At 5?! This is mental, I’d be frisbee throwing that iPad out a window. Why on earth is the child dictating how they spend their time. Parents should be arranging play dates and family days out, and having a routine with a normal bedtime.

Timetothink54321 · 12/08/2024 14:38

This is completely nuts! Who lets a five year old decide their schedule for the day and night? It can’t just be a parent who wants an easy life as surely it’s storing up massive trouble for later? Surely the child is tired and out of sorts at school? What happens in the classroom?

Rosie129 · 12/08/2024 14:48

Well, the DD actually started school last year (turned 5 just after the first term).Going into y1 in September. she has apparently been disruptive and not coping in her class last year and had been quite emotional at times. mum has had to have a few meetings with the teacher @Timetothink54321

OP posts:
Rosie129 · 12/08/2024 14:51

Mum says it’s hard to deal with her at times so would rather she just gets the iPad so she can have some peace. I’ve seen it a few times though during her dinner time when I’ve been round, she mindlessly eats her dinner whilst staring at the screen, doesn’t take her eyes off and her mum lets her eat in her room quite often too with the tv on if not her tablet

OP posts:
Onehotday · 12/08/2024 15:08

This thread and the examples given by posters are truly chilling.

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