DH called me a narcissist

[StilettoesForMiles]

We’re on holiday. Probably the last family one given our kids are older teens. It was my birthday while away. I posted a selfie on (private) Insta on my bday saying something along the lines of ‘lovely to wake up here in the sunshine on my bday’. We’ve mostly had a great time.

DH got a message from his sibling saying ‘are you on hols?’ DH says yep. Sibling says ‘well it looks like you’re home alone by yourself given [my] social media’.

DH hates having his photo taken. Sneers at all social media. Wouldn’t take a photo of me and kids all week (and they love their own socials but being teens hate me taking photos of them). Rolled eyes when I asked for a photo of us together. But the day after, he instigated a big row saying he’s ‘never been so upset’ after his sibling’s comment.

I said he could have said ‘haha no I’m here, you know I hate photos, here we are!’ or something. He yelled that I’m a ‘complete narcissist’. I said, tearfully, you can’t have it both ways, sneer at me posting the odd picture but then be angry that he wasn’t in that particular post on my bday. It took the shine off a really nice day. I later found out he’d blocked me on IG, WTF?!

My entire life, like many middle aged women, is spent making sure he and our kids have all their needs met, are supported and happy. I’m exhausted but do it with love. And work full time, with quite bad peri symptoms he doesn’t acknowledge. (Can’t have HRT cos previous hormonal cancer). I really don’t think I’m a narc. (Although a child of two of them so who knows? It skews everything.)

AIBU to be (quietly, because eggshells) upset? It’s the latest small thing in a long, long list of bigger things that relate to him being controlling, abusive, and just not accepting or approving of who I am. We’ve been together for decades. I’m not sure I can live the rest of my life like this.

YANBU, I wouldn’t blame you for ending it with him. He doesn’t sound like much fun in general, let alone this latest outburst.

Does he understand what a Narcissist actually is? If anything he sounds like one!

Making your very reasonable and valid choice to post a few selfies of yourself on your own Instagram into something about him and his feelings.

Please don't let him stop you posting photos, allow yourself to feel upset and hurt but please dont him make you feel like you can't post photos. Keep him blocked and continue as you are. Fuck him.

I’m not sure I can live the rest of my life like this.

Don’t…life’s too short and he sounds like a Grade A tosser.

He sounds a complete wanker.

I'm guessing you are around late 40s/50 with older teens and into peri. My DF is 87 - imagine spending another 40 years with the twat you are with.

Now imagine spending a happy 40 years without him and his selfish, controlling, abuse. I'd be making this the last holiday I was married to him.

Go see a solicitor and make plans for a divorce and a better life.

The only unreasonable thing you’ve done here is to stay with this horrible man in the first place.

FWIW his sibling also sounds like a prick.

This whole thing sounds very juvenile. He also doesn’t sound like he likes you very much.

Do you like him?

When we had recently bought a house dh commented that when the dc left home we could get a bungalow... Fuck that made me shudder... Just me and him. No thanks.
Divorced him 3 months later!!. Teens starting own lives is a great time to rethink yours....

Sounds like he’s projecting.

He’s the one who sounds like a narc!

Get rid. Life is too short.

I am 58, single (young adult DC) and never been happier. My only regret is not putting my own happiness as a priority sooner.

Liking the person you’re married to is pretty much a basic requirement. He doesn’t sound like a particularly nice person. Why are you flogging your guts out trying to make sure he has a happy life? He’s not doing it for you, is he?

You could be having such a lovely life. And you’re wasting the time you’ve been given. You’re wasting it on someone who doesn’t deserve it. We get such a short time. 80 years if we’re lucky. You’re giving your time to him. Take it back. He doesn’t appreciate it. You have that time for YOU.

That’s another thing I said to him - that he obviously really doesn’t like me. He said ‘you act like a child. Act like you’re 51’ and I said ‘so what does that look like, for you, me acting like I’m 51?’ He had no answer. In answer to your question: no, I don’t like how he has evolved either, to be honest. He sneers at the things I like doing, while I enable and encourage all of his interests. He’s basically turning into his dad, who he loathes, but his attitude to his wife and children is playing out exactly as it was in his family.

It makes me so sad for you to hear that he sucks the joy from all the things that you like and interests you have.

You deserve a husband who supports your interests and helps you find joy. Being single could enable you to live a happier life.

I'd suggest proposing marriage counselling first. If he isn't willing to engage with that, you have your answer for how much he likes you and cares about you.

@Hatty65 @Sunburnisrareinscotland Thank you for replying. Yeah, there are many years ahead and I am feeling trapped. I didn’t expect quite such a sharp difference in our goals for our 50s/60s and beyond, which had also come to light recently. The whole silly photo thing was like a distillation of his disapproval of me. I’m not some hot influencer, and we’re the same age!

He and his brother need help - weirdo ways to respond to perfectly normal behaviour from you. Although, one tiny reservation, I don’t post actually when I’m on hols because I would not highlight I’m away

Thanks lovely, I appreciate that. A joy suck is exactly how the kids describe him too, privately. We’re all constantly seeking to ‘behave’ and avoid his wrath. I don’t know when he stopped being a sweet, funny guy and turned into this grumpy, negative person. Feel like that boiled lobster, a bit.

Ugh you are so right. I don’t think I’m alone, though? I have a few friends in the same sort of position, where you’re like ‘who the hell is this guy?’ after YEARS together. I have no fear of being alone tbh. I have been subject to various aspects of ‘the script’ (I’m crazy; he might kill himself) over recent years and I feel a bit paralysed. I’m definitely not financially independent but could probably make things work solo. And I know I would be happier. I just feel like I should stick with him though. However much my heart sinks when he comes home. Mary Poppins is my default setting.

I'm just going to point out that narcissist have a tendency to ruin holidays, birthdays and other big occasions when the focus of attention is not on them.
If there's a narc in the relationship, its not you.

But the day after, he instigated a big row saying he’s ‘never been so upset’ after his sibling’s comment. If this is the worst thing that has happened to him, even recently, he's lucky.

You posted a selfie, right - no children, no husband, no friends, no random passers-by, just you? - saying you were enjoying your birthday. If that's correct, the sibling's intervention seems like stirring, but your husband should be able to handle this kind of stuff (assuming you're been married, and parenting together, for around 15+ years and he's been siblings with this person for roughly 50 years). HE could have avoided the whole problem if he'd just emailed, texted, etc. his sibling saying "Stilettos and I and the children are off on holiday to x place, back home y date".

My entire life, like many middle aged women, is spent making sure he and our kids have all their needs met, are supported and happy. Your kids, OK - they're children and they depend on their parents. But he as an adult in a relationship of choice has an equal responsibility to you to make sure that you have your needs met and are supported and happy, AND he has half the responsibility of making sure that's the case for the children, assuming they are your children together. It doesn't sound like he is doing this?

(Edited because I messed up the bold text at the top.)

He's a dick for all the reasons already mentioned, and the fact that your children are walking on eggshells around him is a huge problem too.

Do yourself and your DC a favour and end this marriage.

Also. Block that sibling right now on social media, what a stirrer! They knew exactly which button to press and they pressed it

Yes I think there was some stirring going on. And it doesn’t feel like a relationship of two adults. I feel like I’m the one keeping the show on the road all the time - and yet I’m the one who needs chastising every day, too. It’s not good, is it?

@Thelnebriati He has ruined every single holiday for 33 years, including pre kids. What an idiot I am.

He feels shit about himself so is jealous of you having confidence or being engaged by anything...
I've had exes like this. Tell you you are childish, basically because they wish they could get joy out of whatever it is and hate that you can. And they extra hate it if anyone external seems to value the thing you get joy from but he can't join in with or doesn't understand.

This tells you everything you need to know. You have 2 choices, either leave or live the rest of your life in misery. It’s a choice you alone will need to make but I know which one I’d prefer. Life is far too short is all I’ll say.

I'm begging you to not live the rest of your life with this bully of a man who doesn't even like you. You don't need him. For anything. The only regret you will ever have is if you stay married to him.