DH called me a narcissist

[StilettoesForMiles]

We’re on holiday. Probably the last family one given our kids are older teens. It was my birthday while away. I posted a selfie on (private) Insta on my bday saying something along the lines of ‘lovely to wake up here in the sunshine on my bday’. We’ve mostly had a great time.

DH got a message from his sibling saying ‘are you on hols?’ DH says yep. Sibling says ‘well it looks like you’re home alone by yourself given [my] social media’.

DH hates having his photo taken. Sneers at all social media. Wouldn’t take a photo of me and kids all week (and they love their own socials but being teens hate me taking photos of them). Rolled eyes when I asked for a photo of us together. But the day after, he instigated a big row saying he’s ‘never been so upset’ after his sibling’s comment.

I said he could have said ‘haha no I’m here, you know I hate photos, here we are!’ or something. He yelled that I’m a ‘complete narcissist’. I said, tearfully, you can’t have it both ways, sneer at me posting the odd picture but then be angry that he wasn’t in that particular post on my bday. It took the shine off a really nice day. I later found out he’d blocked me on IG, WTF?!

My entire life, like many middle aged women, is spent making sure he and our kids have all their needs met, are supported and happy. I’m exhausted but do it with love. And work full time, with quite bad peri symptoms he doesn’t acknowledge. (Can’t have HRT cos previous hormonal cancer). I really don’t think I’m a narc. (Although a child of two of them so who knows? It skews everything.)

AIBU to be (quietly, because eggshells) upset? It’s the latest small thing in a long, long list of bigger things that relate to him being controlling, abusive, and just not accepting or approving of who I am. We’ve been together for decades. I’m not sure I can live the rest of my life like this.

Tell your DH that it takes far more than a facebook photo to be diagnosed as a narcissist. Recommend him to read shat NPD is.

I just feel like I should stick with him though

Why? You don’t have to tell me, but I think you deserve to give yourself at least one good reason why you don’t deserve to be happy. And it can’t be your DC because a) they’re practically adults and b) they will understand.

If not for you op, leave him for your children who are currently seeing a really poor example of an adult relationship. You all (you and the children) deserve better than this.

A Narcissist accuses others of what they are and do themselves.
You are not the narcissist here.

You and your children don't deserve to be bullied or intimidated by him any longer.

Realising you are in an abusive relationship can be incredibly difficult, and leaving one can be even harder. It takes a lot of bravery.

You, your life, your wants and desires, your joy, your children, your comfort, safety, and freedom ALL matter. It is not your fault. It might be hard for you to believe, but it is not your fault.

He has ruined every single holiday for 33 years, including pre kids. What an idiot I am.

Idiocy would be continuing for to year 34.

Just imagine the peace and quiet and joy and laughter that could be your future. Don’t let how he feels about himself be your problem.

Sounds like classic projection. Everything is about him. He goes crazy when his image is tarnished even when it's his own fault, and he blames you, won't take accountability. He sounds narcissistic. You don't.
He's scum, OP. Don't continue to live this way.

Resist the feeling that you should stick with him. Resist it with everything you have in you. You can do it.

You're not an idiot @StilettoesForMiles you made a vow to stick with him through thick and thin BUT that vow goes both ways!

Why wouldn't you want to try to make the best of a terrible situation, make a happy home for your children, for your husband and yourself BUT if you and the DC walking around at times on eggshells what kind of a life is that?

He is the narcissist and controlling.

Go it solo, you'll make it work and you'll do it with a smile on your face.

Why are you with him again? LTB

I find people who label others usually are reflecting on their own personality traits.

I avoid people who pseudo diagnose.

You don't have to stay in this situation, use your time on holiday to.think about the practicalities of leaving and to figure out if you're ready for that. His behaviour is not normal, if he is that upset about 1 post, he needs help

Sorry this happened @StilettoesForMiles I agree with others that he sounds more narcissistic than you, or at the very least extremely self centred.

As well as being petty to chastise you for something so small - on your Birthday- it was also cruel of him to accuse you of that particular trait - narcissism - when you have presumably confided in him how your parents narcissism ruined your childhood.

He used your painful experience as a weapon against you which I would find unforgivable.

Why do you feel you should stick with him and his miserable ways? Pretty soon your kids will have flown the nest and then do you really want to spend the rest of your days feeling miserable? I don’t know why women stay when it’s clear their husband doesn’t even appear to like them anymore, let alone love them. My parents pretty much hated each other but stayed together because neither wanted to leave the nice house they had. So my dad stayed miserable until he died age 73. I get it’s hard to leave, I’ve been there and done it. If it’s about money, spend the last couple of years your children remain at home building up your career so you can leave if you choose to.

Definitely this.

He's jealous that you're drawing attention to yourself. He's hating that it's not about him.

I hope you have the strength to leave and you have support IRL. Your kids would probably benefit too as they're taking the piss out of him too by sounds of it.

I was about to ask if he always ruins your birthday or at least spoils it in some way. Then I read your update about him spoiling every holiday. That's quite narcissistic behaviour (from him). You can't be allowed to feel special or cherished even for one day. I bet you arrange all the holidays don't you? And him spoiling them is a way of putting you in your place

Thank you all for your replies, I’ve read and thanked everyone. I appreciate your thoughtful responses enormously.

As @Twiglets1 said, he is well aware of my difficulties with my parents. I feel like I’ve created another relationship like that in my life, and that’s a bit of a nauseating thought. Also as @SwingTheMonkey said, I am ashamed of what I am modelling to our amazing young people about relationships.

I feel a sort of inertia about separating, but something has to change. We’ve had therapy in the past which helped a bit. I think that needs to be my next move and then I will see. Even with older kids, LTB feels overwhelmingly big.

There’s a lot I haven’t said about his past behaviour towards me and the children; this example is tiny in the bigger picture. I know it’s not my job to make him happy, but he actually seems to actively resent me trying to make myself happy, too.

Thank you all.

Well I think you seem to have insight. He does resent you. He does not act like he likes or enjoy your company.

He sounds like he may be very emotionally immature with you having to mother him; and then he actually enjoys upsetting you.

Does that sound fair? He is beating you psychologically imo.

You're only 51. Please rethink your life.

but he actually seems to actively resent me trying to make myself happy, too.

That made me shudder. I know leaving is difficult, but living with a man like this a soul-crushing and a waste of your life.

My DH hates having his photo taken and social media, so I post pics (private account) of me and the kids. Mostly so my family can see what we're up to!

If he turned round and picked an argument about not being in a photo I would have been furious.

Your DH can't have it both ways.

I think I'd be taking photos of him EVERY day then uploading them onto Insta given he made such a big deal.

Sounds like relationship over to me...

Well, if there's a narcissist in this relationship, its not you. Look up covert narcissists - they can be harder to spot but are actually even worse. Ruining anything good, controlling behaviour are all pretty classic behaviours.

I am sorry you are going through this but honestly, it might be time to really think about what your future looks like with this man.

Please don't waste any more time with him. The menopause will be easier without him!

Myself and my (older teen) DC’s cut off their dad completely a few years ago. I had left him a long time ago but he was so toxic and still affecting our lives and mental health. When one child decided they were done with him the other was relieved they could do the same.

We are so happy and so much closer from trying to figure out all the bs we went through with him. We marvel that we”re having a life free from anxiety and walking on eggshells, it’s honestly the best thing we ever did.

Re: threatening suicide. You say “don’t you dare put that on me” and make it known your response is to immediately call the police rather than pander to him. His life is not your responsibility, it’s his.

You weren’t put on earth to be responsible for this man. You tried a relationship and it hasn’t worked out. Time to make changes.

What a dickhead.Dh never posts pics of himself but wouldn't bat an eyelid at me doing it.