DH called me a narcissist

[StilettoesForMiles]

We’re on holiday. Probably the last family one given our kids are older teens. It was my birthday while away. I posted a selfie on (private) Insta on my bday saying something along the lines of ‘lovely to wake up here in the sunshine on my bday’. We’ve mostly had a great time.

DH got a message from his sibling saying ‘are you on hols?’ DH says yep. Sibling says ‘well it looks like you’re home alone by yourself given [my] social media’.

DH hates having his photo taken. Sneers at all social media. Wouldn’t take a photo of me and kids all week (and they love their own socials but being teens hate me taking photos of them). Rolled eyes when I asked for a photo of us together. But the day after, he instigated a big row saying he’s ‘never been so upset’ after his sibling’s comment.

I said he could have said ‘haha no I’m here, you know I hate photos, here we are!’ or something. He yelled that I’m a ‘complete narcissist’. I said, tearfully, you can’t have it both ways, sneer at me posting the odd picture but then be angry that he wasn’t in that particular post on my bday. It took the shine off a really nice day. I later found out he’d blocked me on IG, WTF?!

My entire life, like many middle aged women, is spent making sure he and our kids have all their needs met, are supported and happy. I’m exhausted but do it with love. And work full time, with quite bad peri symptoms he doesn’t acknowledge. (Can’t have HRT cos previous hormonal cancer). I really don’t think I’m a narc. (Although a child of two of them so who knows? It skews everything.)

AIBU to be (quietly, because eggshells) upset? It’s the latest small thing in a long, long list of bigger things that relate to him being controlling, abusive, and just not accepting or approving of who I am. We’ve been together for decades. I’m not sure I can live the rest of my life like this.

I've come this morning after reading this late last night to say- kick yourself into action! I was the child, then young adult in this situation, and I wish my mum had left sooner. My dad sounds exactly like your husband, just negative, narcissistic (making events about him) and we all walked on eggshells our entire childhood, I felt so unsettled but didn't know why as we supposedly had an ok family.

Once my mum divorced my dad life improved immeasurably and has gone on to be calm, have a lovely home I can enjoy going back to as an adult and she has met a wonderful calm nice straightforward man. I wish she'd put her foot down sooner.

The problem is men like this pair up with very very nice kind and understanding women, and then basically ruin theirs and their children's lives with their behaviour. My mum was and is too nice, and that meant she simply couldn't get out and only left him much later, whereas had she put herself first, she would have got out much earlier.

Don't be her, be you, you sound lovely and you deserve a happy life and your children will prefer the calm nice happy homelife too. I still have some limited contact with my dad.

I haven't listed all the things he did that were narcissistic as the issues rumble on into my own middle-age, but think affairs, moods, centring everything on him and his issues (which he certainly had). It's so tiring to live like this, imagine what you could achieve and what your children would benefit from if you didn't have to all spend your energies on this person.

I do think it's quite attention seeking to post a picture of yourself on your birthday, especially when you're mentioning it's your birthday in the post. It's fishing for happy birthdays and compliments.

However your DH sounds plain arrogant.

@StilettoesForMiles Also, I think you need to tell him that he's turning into his Dad. That might be a wake up call for him.

But maybe if your husband is like the OPs, then he gives her very little attention and love. It seems quite explicable that you might seek it from others

He sounds awful and you deserve so much better. You don't owe him anything just because you've been together a long time. Don't waste your one short, precious life like this.

My dad did this. Went out of his way to ruin birthdays, both of my university graduation days, basically every day that wasn't all about him. Miserable way to grow up.

I've read all your messages. You are most certainly not a narc, but do you know something? A common tactic narcs use is to accuse others of what they hate in themselves. It's called mirroring. Basically, they mirror things back at you, so if he is accusing you of being a narc, well... he might just have outed himself. Once you see it, you can't unsee it.

Also, obviously, it's entirely possible that his brother/family are shit stirring wankers. But I'd also say bear in mind that if he's the narcissist, which it sounds like he is, whatever his conversation him and his brother had may bear very little resemblance to what he told you. To my mind, one of the most notable traits of people like this is disordered thinking - they say things that aren't true (but often genuinely believe them) and hearing them talk, it's like you're in two different worlds.

Try not to blame yourself. My daughter was in a relationship with someone with narcissistic tendencies and people like that do not reveal that side to themselves until their partner is well and truly hooked. They are normally charming at first so you were not to know the way he would start acting further down the line.

And the idea of leaving a partner is HARD. Especially when there are still some good times/positives to the relationship. It's a personal thing when the tipping point comes and maybe you're not ready for that move yet. But at the very least I hope this thread has helped you to see that you didn't do anything wrong and that you are a good person who doesn't deserve to be treated coldly.

These men are charming. Not just you but your family too. They change when they reckon you are well captured.

Yes on the disordered thinking; it can be shocking to hear what they really think if you catch them off guard. Really scary, word salad, fully mad stuff.

The effort they put into being “normal” is huge.

@TwinklyAmberOrca This is an excellent suggestion, I might just do that!

@ICallPeopleDudeNow Gosh. Yes. He is projecting, isn’t he? I’ve been reading up about narcissists and a) I really don’t think I qualify and b) he’s frustrated and escalating because I’m appearing to not be under his control, or thereabouts? Ugh.

Another thing to watch is that they aren't great when their kids turn into teenagers.
Its also possible to have narcissistic tendencies without being a full blown diagnosable narcissist.

I know gaslighting is overused on here but the number of times he’s made me question my own reality is a bit scary. I’ve ended up twisting myself into pretzel shapes to please him and avoid his anger. He hates me having friends he doesn’t know (work) because he has no control over that situation if he’s not there. Thing is, my newer friends have only ever known older me and… they like me. So the idea that I’ve ‘changed’ is basically his frustration that I’ve… grown up. As a whole separate human being. I’m less authentic, relaxed and happy with him than anyone else, I’ve realised today.

I’m less authentic, relaxed and happy with him than anyone else, I’ve realised today.

Ah thats so sad. He's your husband, a supposed life partner! If there's anyone you should be 'real' with, it's him.

What a realisation you've had OP; a real light bulb moment for you. It'll take time to take proper root but now the thoughts are there, you'll notice even more shitty behaviour that you've previously ignored or accepted as usual or normal.

Time for some serious thinking about how you want your future panning out...do you have people IRL/family to help you? I'm sure if you mention something to a Sibling (if you have them), they'll be breathing a sigh of relief that the wool has been pulled from your eyes.

Best of luck to you.

Yup. This is pretty classic. I assume he hates it when you go out without him? Wants to check on you? Lays on the guilt trip? Tells you that you're abandoning him? Perhaps he makes out that he's a victim because he can't help being insecure? Or perhaps it's more overt and he blatantly tells you he can't trust you?

They don't like it when their victim has things for themselves. A final straw moment for an extended family member was when he purposefully got himself sent home from work the ONE day she had the house to herself. Then turned himself into the vicrim because she was upset she couldn't just sit and watch trashy tv alone for a few hours.

@IdLikeToBeAFraser Yes you have hit the nail on the head. He checks up on me the whole time and hates that I have a whole other (fulfilling) bit of my life that doesn’t include him.

@Projectme I wish you were my counsellor or coach! Thank you for getting this.