What's it like having two children with a small age gap?

[Teacherbee85]

Me and DH are both only children and very small extended family that live far away and are much older so for that reason we're not particularly close.

We'd always thought we'd just have one child - I've always enjoyed being an only child and liked a peaceful, calm home and we both have plenty of friends and hobbies.

We have a 1 year old DS who is the light of our lives.

However - it's niggling me that in terms of family - when the oldies are gone it'll just be the three of us. And we won't be around for DS forever. I love the idea of growing old with family around.

I'm trying to weigh that up with the impact of having another baby on our current lovely life with one easy DS - great sleeper, we both still have plenty of money and time for hobbies as its easy for just one of us to stay home with DS.

We both get stressed and overwhelmed easily and life is so manageable at the moment. But it's niggling away at me that the life I'd love when I'm older, surrounded by grandchildren etc would be more likely to happen if we had another DC.

I hope this rambling post makes sense and I'd love to hear from anyone who feels or has felt similar.

Should have said we're both late thirties so don't have all the time in the world to make this decision!

I have three very close together.

I love that they all have similar interests, days out are easy because they all want to go to the same sort of places etc..
They are absolutely best friends, often have sleepovers in one room and set up their camp beds and watch movies etc
Life is exhausting sometimes though, they usually need things all at the same time and I only have two hands, when one of them gets ill they’ll recover before the next one gets its and it’s just a revolving door of illness and bugs in the winter.

I wouldn’t change it for the world but it’s definitely not for the faint hearted!

My two are two years apart. Was pretty tough at first, I didn’t love my second mat leave (but then the first wasn’t my favourite period, either!). But now they’re older (early teens) it is much easier, and they have a really lovely relationship - the early pain was worth it!

One of my friends is the only child of only children, and while she had a lovely upbringing, was worried about being the only one to look out for her parents in old age, with no aunties, uncles, cousins to turn to. I really felt for her, even though I have zero relationship with my cousins, I at least have my siblings.

For me, the main reason for having a second child was so the first would have a sibling. That's a potentially life-long relationship for your DS that's just not the same as with parents. I have 2 daughters 20 months apart. It was hard for a year or two, but the later benefits far outweigh that short difficult time. For example, they always had a friend to play with, and would entertain eachother on holidays etc., which left more time for me and DP. They are now in their late 20's and such great, supportive friends to eachother.

Mine are two years apart, the early days with a newborn and a two year old were SO full on, however we’re now seeing the benefits as at 8 and 6 respectively they play together nicely and similar days out and activities interest them. It’s worked out really well for us but was a bit mental when they were small!!

What you've all said so far completely resonates with me. I've always been perfectly happy as an only but that means that DS has no cousins or aunties and uncles - literally just me and DH.

I think I might need to suck it up and suffer though the 2 young children stage for his benefit and also ours - it sounds daft but what of he moves far away and he's our only one? Family is so important to me.

Our two are 20 months apart. We wanted a small age gap for practical reasons, as it meant I could take a career break and get back to work. We had hoped for a smaller gap, but unfortunately miscarried. I didn’t have good pregnancies or births with either child and if we hadn’t had another quick, I think I would’ve been put off for life.

Our DC are now 8 and 7, and honestly, I don’t regret it for a second. The early days were tough, with lots of sleepless nights, nursery illnesses and general toddler based nonsense, but now it’s great. They have friends in common, attend the same clubs and get along well (most of the time…).

I would absolutely do the same again. DH’s sibling is close in age to him and they are close - I really hope our two will be the same as they grow up.

I had one and then 11 years later had 2 who were just under 2 years apart. Having one was easier, it's just one child so will be easier! But having 2 close together for me resulted in them being less reliant on me for entertainment - which is a huge benefit. Days out, getting ready, bed time etc is harder with 2 close together but I would rather have 2 close together than 1 only child from my experience.

I had two under two and then 3 under 5. Two under two was exhausting, I found it very stressful because ds2 was a baby who wouldn’t be put down and didn’t sleep well(totally different from my first). However they are now much older (12/13) and mostly get along.

But what about the bickering? I can't bear the thought of having to play referee in my lovely calm home.

I ALWAYS just wanted one.

But when I'm older I know I'd love more than one adult child and more opportunities to be a hands on grandparent.

2 close in age here and it's mostly brilliant. They are best friends despite being really different, and play together for hours.

There's also a LOT of bickering, which is wearing, but I'm learning to tune it out and only get involved if it's getting nasty (usually the older one throwing his weight around). But the benefits massively outweigh the annoying bits.

One thing I'd say is that having a sibling doesn't always mean they will be lifelong friends.

I have several friends who have nothing to do with their siblings and have had major fall-outs, as adults.

I think only-children can romanticise a 'big family' and assume it's all lovely.

Many siblings live miles apart, even in other countries.

If you want another child, do it for yourselves, not for them.

Mine are 24 months apart and it was very hard work. You find that the newborn just has to fit in with the family as a 'terrible two' takes up a lot of time and energy.

You can't foresee what's ahead and wanting another child to 'have more grandchildren' assumes a lot.

I've friends who never wanted children so you can't assume their lives will fit with your wishes.

The bickering is annoying, sometimes hilarious. Mine share a room, if you have the option of own rooms I'd advocate for that! Mine also do different school clubs and summer clubs which really helps during the holidays. Try to treat them as separate people as much as possible. Mine have their own spaces in their room and their own iPads. We tried sharing an iPad and that was absolute hell!

They are good at sharing when they have to, but I try to avoid getting one if something I know they will argue over - that's probably poor parenting but I'm an easy life kind of mum!

We both get stressed and overwhelmed easily

Kindly, I wouldn’t recommend a very small age gap if you both have a personality type like this. I am also easily overwhelmed. We have a just over 3 year gap and it’s still been hard for me. I would have sunk without trace with anything smaller. Although my eldest is being assessed for autism which probably makes a difference.

The people I know who successfully navigate a < 2.5 year age gap have fallen into two camps. Very laid back and happy with chaos and exhaustion, or rich and hyper organised and able to throw money at the problem. To be fair I also know a few people with 2 under 2 who have been permanently stressed and miserable for the first few years.

3 years has suited us well in that DS1 could attend pre school (9-3) near on full time and still have lots of time at home with me without worrying about wrap around care/school holidays as I’m off work. It’s set him up for school well. I would recommend considering a slightly bigger gap for this reason. Really it’s only a matter of 6-12 months of time is of the essence.

I have a sibling I have absolutely nothing to do with. No big back story, we're just totally different people. Siblings aren't always lifelong friends.
I had 3 kids under 13 months, 2 are very close, the other has their own life and only sees their siblings at family events

I really don’t want to be rude - but reading this thinking don’t have another ffs. You don’t want one. No child should exist for the perceived benefit of another.

20m gap here.

Personally I found the first few months with two a doddle. It was certainly a lot easier than pregnancy and a toddler.

From about 6-18m (for the youngest) it was very very hard. Two mobile toddlers, neither of which slept well was tricky. Like going from having a pet to a zoo. I didn't dislike it, but it was very stressful and amongst the joy there wasn't much sleep.

They are currently 5 and 7. Illness and disability has made it a bit complicated, but they are best friends. There is bickering, but 90% of it is love and happiness with eachother. Having two around is still much harder than 1 most of the time because of the increased noise, demands, because they are awful sleepers still etc. But there are also times now they just get on and play with eachother and we can have more downtime.

I had two under 2 and yes it was pretty exhausting in the early years. We are older parents and although didn't want two purely because of that I think it influenced our decision.

DC are now late teens and get on pretty well. They share the same sense of humour and cultural references etc (many of which we don't!) There are occasional irritations with each other but no real fallings out (maybe we've just been lucky). I like to think that they will have each other's backs throughout their lives.

I am one of three and DH one of four. I am not very close to my siblings for several different reasons but I think a lot of it comes down to DM who has always pitted us against each other.

DH on the other hand is v close to all his siblings and I do wonder if it's because DMIL was a competely different kettle of fish and never slagged them off to each other (which was v unlike my upbringing).

I have always tried to encourage DC to support each other and never discussed them to each other in negative ways (again unlike my upbringing).

Mine are 20 months apart. Boy and girl. They are completely opposite personalities and do not get on at all - pretty much since they were 14 and16 (now 19 and 21), but even before were not mates.
Be careful about envisioning a future with this or that - a friend was desperate for a large family (she has four siblings), struggled to get pregnant then had three in four years. Her eldest has severe MH issues (was in a psychiatric hospital for almost six months), and she has a contentious relationship with her daughter and is going through a nasty divorce after 35 years.
I lost my DH when my kids were 4 and 6 - I never imagined I'd be a lone parent.
Sure there are families out there that live like the Waltons, but most do not. Basically, be happy with what you have.

I'd also ask you to think about how old you may be as grandparents.
You say you're late 30s now.

If your own children wait (or have no choice) but to become parents in their 30s, you will be close to 70 or older by the time you're a grandparent.

That can coincide with your adult children falling into the 'caring role' for you as well as bringing up their own children.

Hand on heart, going back to 'sibling love' I can't think of one family I know of where the siblings really get on and are close friends. It does happen, but equally it doesn't.

we have 2 with a 4 year age gap which has worked very well.

BUT we agreed that we would only have a second child if we wanted 2 children, not to provide a sibling/playmate for DS1 as there was no guarantee they would get along.

In the event they do get along and are close

Bickering's not inevitable. My two get on great. They are late teens and we often hear them nattering away together when they should be in bed. However they also didn't play much together after about age 5 & 7, when the eldest learned to read.

I think it's important to let them develop their own separate interests, not shoehorn them both in together, so mine did separate clubs etc.

Also the younger one is disabled, which has affected our older one profoundly. We always knew we wanted 2 so I have no qualms about it, but IF I had had a strong pull towards staying as a family of 3 like you do, I think that might feel quite complicated.

I feel it's not right to have another child to be a playmate or companion. Loads of pregnancies are accidents and that's just life, but somehow to deliberately choose to have a baby to serve a purpose for your existing child seems a bit unfair on them. If you don't want them in their own right, don't have them. I also think small age gaps are overrated. If I were picking again I'd go for at least a 3 year gap, so each child has more one to one time with a parent.

2y 3m age gap here - not that small, but probably about what you'd end up with if your DC is already 1.

2 and 0 was hard but fine because DC2 was a much easier baby than DC1, and we left DC1 in nursery for my maternity leave.

3 and 1 nearly killed us.

4 and 2 was easier, 5 and 3 was easier again and now they're 6 and 4 and practically easy.

I don't think I could go back to the baby and toddler years once I was out of them, so a big age gap wouldn't have worked for us. The bickering is infuriating, and harder on DH who is the younger of two with a 9 year gap so he didn't grow up with it.

The age gap has worked really well for us, it gets them to the same routine, food etc much earlier. We're lucky in that even though ours are very different in terms of their personalities, they like the same toys and TV so mostly get along well (despite the incessant bickering).

Most of our adult friends (husband inc) have very little/ nothing to do with their siblings - I have one best friend who’s close to her sister but it seems quite rare. Often it’s a great source of conflict and makes things harder when the older generation have passed rather than the other way around too because there’s always that underlying competition and who deserves what/ who actually pulled their weight caring for xyz etc. People can lean on the families they make for themselves like partners and (older) children far more for support than a sibling just because they’re “supposed” to be close.

Have a second because you want another child but this notion of having a child so your current child will somehow benefit just places the kind of pressure and expectation that so often seems to burden families, not relieve them when it’s not all “happy families”. My husband finds it far more frustrating to have a brother he’s never gotten along with because with 10 months between them everyone assumes they’d be best friends than to have simply had an only child (they’ve not really contacted each other in years not through a falling out as such they’ve just never got on even as kids and it just worsened as teens).

Well, your DC is one, so if you’re not already pregnant, it wouldn’t really be that small of an age group. No one can answer this question for you as it’s way too individualistic. Though I would say wanting a second for reasons of grandchildren and into your older age are perhaps not the most solid reasons.

I had twins and would likely have only opted for one if I’d had the choice, as I value the same things you do – more peace, more money, more ease. C’est la vie.