What's it like having two children with a small age gap?

[Teacherbee85]

Me and DH are both only children and very small extended family that live far away and are much older so for that reason we're not particularly close.

We'd always thought we'd just have one child - I've always enjoyed being an only child and liked a peaceful, calm home and we both have plenty of friends and hobbies.

We have a 1 year old DS who is the light of our lives.

However - it's niggling me that in terms of family - when the oldies are gone it'll just be the three of us. And we won't be around for DS forever. I love the idea of growing old with family around.

I'm trying to weigh that up with the impact of having another baby on our current lovely life with one easy DS - great sleeper, we both still have plenty of money and time for hobbies as its easy for just one of us to stay home with DS.

We both get stressed and overwhelmed easily and life is so manageable at the moment. But it's niggling away at me that the life I'd love when I'm older, surrounded by grandchildren etc would be more likely to happen if we had another DC.

I hope this rambling post makes sense and I'd love to hear from anyone who feels or has felt similar.

I had two under two. It's tiring but watching their sibling relationship develop is just priceless.

@fatfatfatstillfat I thought the same! The OP and her DH sound similar to me and my DH, and we're sticking at one. I've seen other marriages and long term partnerships break down very quickly after the arrival of number two.
I think that if you have a second because of guilt, or a feeling that you owe your first a sibling, rather than because you really want a second child, it's a recipe for stress and resentment.

I'm just so undecided about what to do.

I'm worried I won't ever know and I'll have to make a choice and hope it's not the wrong one.

Wish I had a crystal ball tbh

I only ever wanted one. Accidentally pregnany with number 2. Considered all my options but have decided to go ahead. Just praying for a good sibling relationship! But if I could rewind back time and not get pregnant...

For what it's worth, lots of friends are close to their siblings in adulthood. I think it's more common to get along than to hate each other.

Me and my husband are both one of three, I'm from a big family generally and grew up with lots of cousins and we were close knit. He has a more distant relationship to his siblings now in adulthood and growing up only saw cousins a few times a year.

Despite this he was definitely more keen for a sibling for the sake of giving our first a sibling than I was. My attitude was I'd only have a second if I truly wanted one and it took till my eldest was 3 to even contemplate it. We will have a 4 year and 2 month age gap between our two. I had an easy breezy first pregnancy this one has been brutal etc. I think having a second for the sake of your current child isnt enough, a child needs happy healthy present parents and I think you'd feel resentment sooner if it wasn't what you truly wanted.

There's 14 months between mine, that was a big surprise for sure. Only planned to have one. The first year was a bit of a nightmare but after that it got much easier very quickly. They liked the same things, ate the same food, went to bed at about the same time. Within 12 months they were both at school. Fast forward 20 odd years to the day that I had to tell them that I had cancer, needed at least 18 months treatment, major surgery and that there were no guarantees. My daughter sat with silent tears rolling down her face, new baby in her arms and her brother reached out and put his hand on her shoulder. In that one moment, I knew we had done the right thing and was so grateful that they had each other. The treatment was rough but it worked, new baby is 9 now and there have been lots more babies, had to buy extra crockery, cutlery, chairs. It's wonderful absolutely bloody wonderful. My grandad would say that God was watching and he might just be right

DH and I were very much on the fence, but erring towards wanting 2. It happened so much quicker than we ever expected and I’m now nearly 12wks and really not sure I want to go through with it. It’s a horrible place to be and I’m now stuck in a place where I worry no matter what I do I’ll regret it.

I’m an only, so my motivation was always that I didn’t want that for DD. But when I think about the uncertainty of it all, not knowing if they’ll be healthy, will they get along with each other, the impact to my career of taking another 12mths out, the loss of opportunities for DD as she won’t be our one and only, it all seems a crazy big gamble now 😔

No 1 very much planned. 2 and 3 simply burst into our lives and we had three under 4 years of age. Tough financially and physically, but most of my friends were in a similar situation so lots of support and friendship there. Now 27,25 and 23, they’re not best friends, though the best friends of 2 and 3 happen to be siblings, as they’ve managed to make their own friends and develop their own interests. They no longer live in their home town, but their bond is very special and they are simply there for each other. Messenger and WhatsApp help immensely on that front. I wouldn’t change my family for the world, and I feel that blessed that two unplanned pregnancies took away any decisions on the family planning front.

This made me well up 🥹

I love the idea of being older and surrounded by loads more babies! I love babies. I know having more than one when they are little will be hard work.

I'd love to have a great relationship with several adult DC.

We’re similar but younger. Don’t have a second for the sake of the first, you have to want them equally. Baby no.2 could have additional needs, possibly complex. Or they could hate each other and bring misery to each others adult lives. I do think it’s 50/50 anecdotally as to who gets on with their siblings and doesn’t out of folk I know.

2 year age gap, after the first year it’s been a dream, they say they hate each other but their actions say very different with near permanent sleep overs in holidays. They are close enough that they are into similar things, they are each other’s childcare a lot of the time.

We did similar for the same reasons.
i wanted a second because i wanted a second rather than I wanted first to have a sibling.

mine are 2 and 6m now…
hoping it pans out similar to this with less sleepless nights 😅

I have 3, first 2 DS were 13 months apart and then 2.5 years until DD. It was chaos for a few years, but we haven't ever really had any bickering despite the older 2 sharing a room (still are at 17 and 18). The boys always had someone to play with when they were little, I definitely noticed the difference when I had DD as there was a bigger gap and the boys already had eachother so she needed more from me.

Interestingly, I think the boys are now closer to their sister than each other, but I think that's partly due to sharing a room they tend not to choose to spend any more time together than they have to! They still share nicely and get on well. Actually we were at a barbecue yesterday and a friend commented on how well they all appeared get on together and asked if it was always like that!
It's definitely luck though as my neighbour has sons with a similar age gap (same ages, also sharing a room) and they bicker a lot and used to have proper physical fights!

18 months between ours who are 3 and 5 currently. The sleepless nights and nursery fees were a big thing but we just got on with it, and now they are the best of friends (apart from when they fight 🙃)

There's 15 months between my two. The first was a dream a slept through since 1. The second 🤯 doesn't sleep. She at her worst wakes up hourly and at her best twice a night. I'd wake until your eldest it 2 to start trying. Then at least you might have access to some free childcare by the time the 2nd is born.

Having 2 kids is a different ball game to one and it’s only after you have the second you realise how easy just having one is. So the way you are feeling I would say stick with one as you would probably find it harder than most.
I have 2 and love it but it’s not easy first few years,

My Mum was an only child, she didn't like us bickering but she still managed to have four DC. Dad wasn't an only child though and was very laid back and very hands on.

You don't sound very keen so it depends which is worse for your DC, having no relatives their own age or having parents that don't enjoy being parents.

I can't imagine being the only child of two only children, that would mean no siblings or first cousins. Do you and your DH have cousins? Do they have children of a similar age that your DC could build a strong bond with? I don't live close to where I grew up but my cousin lives about 70 miles away and we meet up regularly so my DC are probably closer to their second cousins than their cousins (who live hundreds of miles away). That might be a less drastic option.

The main advantage of a small age gap, IMO, is getting all the breastfeeding, nappy changing, toilet training, etc, out the way in one (albeit continuous) go. It is super tough at the time, but it is great once they're both "independent" and can get dressed/go to the bathroom on their own, etc.

My mum had her first two babies less than eleven months apart when she was in her early twenties. She was unaware that one could get pregnant so soon after giving birth and so was pretty shocked when she was told she was expecting again at a routine post-natal check-up! She said it was a little challenging at the time, but she actually enjoyed having the two so close together as, being so close in age, they were always company for each other, she also used to push them in a twin buggy as toddlers and most of the difficult life-stages were over in one go rather than having to deal with two sets of toddler tantrums a few years apart!
Having said this, she did leave it another nineteen years after my sister was born before having me, albeit having divorced and remarried in the intervening years, so she definitely experienced both extremes of the age-gap spectrum!

18 months between my two (girl 16, boy 14) I was 36 then 38 when they were born.
The first year was hectic, not much sleep. Money was tight till the youngest went to school and I went back to work but I wouldn't change it.
They've always been close, they honestly don't bicker. Both have their own interests and friends but have overlapped over the years and they often choose to spend time together. Friday they went off walking together coz they were both home with no plans. I often here them chilling in each other's rooms listening to music. They do know when to give each other space and have been brought up to respect the other so if one shuts their bedroom door the other leaves them alone.

I was an only child as was my husband so literally no other family. My heart bursts when I think they'll always have each other, never be alone in the world. Hopefully in time they'll have families and develop a wider family we've never had.

I know I'm lucky they're close and not all siblings are like this but maybe it's because I've always taught them to value each other a lot.

10 1/2 months between my two - combination of not being planned and pregnancies not going to term makes it that small a gap. It's fine - honestly, bit of a nightmare at those periods in time when they're at different schools etc, but you just get on with it.

They're 11 and 12 now and incredibly close - bicker like bugger knows what, but I know that they do both look out for each other and love each other - just everyone in a family gets on someone else's nerves at times.

15 months apart boy and girl, go to different schools, very close, bickering drives me crazy, worth it, hard early on as effectively had two babies with different needs, 100 % worth it

You can't have another child, just to get grandchildren. It may not happen but you know that.
There's no guarantee of anything.

If your hearts not totally in it, I wouldn't bother.

A bit stressful at times, need to have eyes in the back of your head

Mine are 2 years 3m apart. Currently just turned 5 and almost 3. They fight a lot. But they also play together a lot.
I'd say it's a 50/50 split of thinking it must be amazing to have a sibling, I'm also an only child, and being glad I didn't have to deal with it growing up 😂

...I'm also 4m pregnant God help us all lol