What's it like having two children with a small age gap?

[Teacherbee85]

Me and DH are both only children and very small extended family that live far away and are much older so for that reason we're not particularly close.

We'd always thought we'd just have one child - I've always enjoyed being an only child and liked a peaceful, calm home and we both have plenty of friends and hobbies.

We have a 1 year old DS who is the light of our lives.

However - it's niggling me that in terms of family - when the oldies are gone it'll just be the three of us. And we won't be around for DS forever. I love the idea of growing old with family around.

I'm trying to weigh that up with the impact of having another baby on our current lovely life with one easy DS - great sleeper, we both still have plenty of money and time for hobbies as its easy for just one of us to stay home with DS.

We both get stressed and overwhelmed easily and life is so manageable at the moment. But it's niggling away at me that the life I'd love when I'm older, surrounded by grandchildren etc would be more likely to happen if we had another DC.

I hope this rambling post makes sense and I'd love to hear from anyone who feels or has felt similar.

Of course not - but it certainly increases the odds!

We decided to have more. I had twins. We now have 3 under 2.

It’s chaotic but despite the bonus baby, I’m glad we went ahead with it.

I've got a 19 and 18 year old. We didn't intend such a close age gap as I'd had fertility issues and baby number 2 took us by surprise.

The early days were quite hard but once they were 3 and 4 it was fine. They grew up with similar friends and kept each other entertained. They also went through some tricky years of hating each other but now they have a laugh together although are chalk and cheese. I hope they'll be close as they get older.

Oh wow! I guess this is something to consider too!

Given your situation and feeling as you describe, I'd suggest a 4+ year age gap and, if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. You are more likely to get the calm and peaceful household you want with a larger age gap imo, as your children will be less in competition with each other and the older one will hopefully appreciate having the younger one a bit more. My DC1 was very happy when DC1 arrived as everyone at school made a huge fuss of him and he enjoyed quite a lot of reflected glory from having a baby sibling (lots of 4/5 yos love babies). And tbh that has continued - a few years in, they bicker a bit and she annoys him sometimes, but not in the same way I see similar age siblings doing as my two are at different stages and doing completely different things (which of course brings its own challenges).

What if they both move away? What if neither want/ can have kids so no grandkids for you? You can’t plan / have expectations from someone else’s life.

Much the same story here. DC1 loved DC2 from birth and they have always been good friends. They are now in their early 20s.

I found a few stories for DC1 about how great it was to be the older sibling.

We were one and done but decided to have a second as we wanted DS to have a sibling. 23 month gap, so conceived a little after DS1 first birthday. We’re 14 months in and they adore one another. One of DS2 first words was his brothers name. At risk of sounding ridiculous it’s honestly magic to see them play and interact. They have little “in” jokes. That’s not to say DS1 doesn’t get annoyed with his brother and vice versa and I’m sure bickering will increase as DS2 finds his voice a little more. But I honestly love it. Unlike you, DH and I both have 2 siblings each.

I would say: I’m more tired and less patient. We have less money (it all goes on childcare), the house is always in need of a clean / tidy. The laundry feels exponentially more than with one. It’s harder, yes. But it’s not exponentially so. 0-1 was much more of a difficult transition that 1-2.

Having 2 children nearly always involves bickering. Mine were very close when younger but there’s always he said, she said, screaming and throwing things in anger phases! But on the whole mine were mainly loving towards each other. They aren’t as close now late teens but different sex, but they do love each other and I’m glad they will always have a sibling (they have a sibling 10yrs older too).

22 months. It's bloody brilliant, they are really good friends.

Mine are older now but there is 16 months between them.
The early years are hectic but its somewhat easier cause they are at the same stage together and liked the same toys and watched the same shows.

I would consider a slightly larger age gap as it sounds like you’d be very stressed by having them so close in age. There is a big difference from a two year old and a three year old

Both my parents were only children and I have a brother who is seven years younger. The large age gap was a bit difficult sometimes - at 9/10 there were lots of things I would have liked to do but my brother would have made them too disruptive.

I have children who are two years one month apart. It was really hard to begin with - you can devote yourself to one baby but with two you are stretched a bit more thinly. Now it’s brilliant - they have different interested but holidays can suit us all.

There were times when my parents were unrealistic. I remember my Mum being horrified when I fought with my brother - she’d never had a sibling so thought it was always be harmonious.

When my Dad died, I was glad I had my brother. He also did a lot of stuff when my Mum had cancer.

Mine are 15 months apart. Got on brilliantly as children and still do as adults.

How would you feel if, looking ahead, neither of your children then decided to give you grandchildren? Or both decided to live overseas? Or they don't talk to each other?

Would that make the next 18 years of your life feel worthwhile?

On a more positive note, you don't need a small age gap to help them be close.
My brother and I have a 6 year age gap which has meant I am a maternal figure at times (helpful as our mum isn't the greatest - got very stressed very easily and make it very clear she found parenting very difficult...). We got on well as we are united by the behaviour of our stressful mother.

Have a second one. When they are teens life gets hectic anyway.

If you're happy as you are, everything being easy and low stress, why have another? You're risking all that changing, potentially drastically. Why make your life more stressful than it needs to be?
Have another child if you actually want one. Don't do it out of guilt. It's a bloody hard thing to put your mind and body through for something that might not even turn out the way you want it to anyway.

I'd be gutted, as I presume most mothers would be!

This is how I feel, I'm just trying to make sure I consider long term as well as short term though.

My exh and myself are both only children. We had 2 boys, with a 3 year age gap. I'm a single parent now and yeah that's hard but my two mostly get on with some normal bickering. They still share a room but that will change in a couple of years. I realise as they get older they may not get on- I hope they will make the effort with each other even if they turn into different people because when myself and exh have gone they won't have other family. But at least they will have that choice.

The thing with one is, that if they move very far you have a choice and can move closer if you want. With 2- if one moves to Canada and one to Australia (as an example) what do you do?

Mine are 13 months apart. The newborn days with a barely 1 year old were purely about survival but now they are 2 & 3 (almost 3 & 4) and they have the most beautiful bond - it makes all of the hard work completely worth it

As older parents, we thought if we could have a sibling for our PFB it would be good for both of them in the future when we're not around. We had our second only a year later. Then had two more! The first two are like a bickering married couple sometimes but also talk about living together in a house share when they move out. It's lovely.

Sounds like a good decision. We had one for a few reasons but if I could do it over I'd have two. When my mom was toilet training her oldest the second oldest was watching and picked it up right away! If you can afford it, you can always get a sitter to help lighten the load.