I'm getting so upset reflecting on my childhood. Am I exaggerating?

[BeEasyonYourself]

I'm sorry if I've posted this before. My mum is trying to guilt trip me and I just want a sense check - if I'm in the wrong I'm happy to acknowledge that!

I barely went to school. Aged 8 until 13 and about 50% attendance. I was taken abroad at 13 and not placed in a school. Just left to fend for myself in a caravan. All my qualifications (and I'm a lawyer so I've gone through all of college, university and a masters) have been off my own back. I was allowed to leave 'home' at 16 and moved into a squat in yet another country. I've never had a penny from my parents since I was 16.

This isn't normal is it?

Sorry if you've read a similar post from me, my mum is making me doubt myself and I'm currently in a domestic abuse situation (we live together and really the only other place i could go is my parents) and just feel like everything is getting on top of me 😔

Forget about them , they certainly didn’t bother themselves with you , your mum might be well aware that she’ll need some support as she ages so trying to be much glossying over the past.
Forget the guilt trips , I bet she talks about kids being over/protected these days too!
Actually a carefree childhood like she says and other hippy parents I know involved the kids being exposed to loads of drinking and drugs from parties they were all left feral at, trying to buy their one food ,sanitary products from a young age, being made to make decisions about accommodation as a teenager, taken out of schools , no access to healthcare (big pharma etc) . That is actually the opposite to a “carefree childhood”, show your mum this.

Sounds similar to a person I used to work with.

Parents decided to take a year out to sail round the world with their 3 children.

Only one year became another and another until 10 years had passed.

The children had a very rudimentary education and as teens ended up working at various marinas as they sailed around helping their parents fund this lifestyle.

He at 18 decided he'd be living/funding his parents dream for the rest of his life, rather than living his own.

Walked off the boat with a passport, backpack and used his earnings to get a flight back to the UK. Helped by his mums sister he enrolled in college and went on to Uni and did well for himself. Other siblings went on to do the same.

His feelings towards his parents were very bitter. They however think they gave him a wonderful childhood.

Can't comprehend they denied him an education and more importantly having roots and lasting friendships and the potential for a relationship as they were constantly travelling apart for earning breaks for a few months at a time.

Last time I spoke to him was many years ago now but he was very clear that when his parents decided their sailing days were done and have not a penny saved for pensions/property/care he was not going to step up to help them.

Fundamentally they lived the life they wanted at their children's expense and justified it as an amazing experience even when the children made clear they hated it.

A crappy childhood doesn't define you.

If you want to leave you can and you would.

You're choosing to stay. If you want things to happen you need to stop making excuses and MAKE them happen.

If you wait for an easy solution you'll be waiting until you're lowered into the ground.

I haven't seen your other threads but from what i can gather, you own the home your brother lives in?? It's time you put yourself first. Give him a few months notice that he'll need to move out.

I do not recall your previous posts, but these are my suggestions based on what you've said here:

• Move into your mum's house today or tomorrow, purely as a short term measure, to escape your abuser.
• Immediately start looking for a room (Spareroom) or a flat to rent.
• Initiate the process to evict your brother and his family.
• Get counseling to address your childhood and other issues.
• Don't ruminate about all this baggage outside of counseling.
• Start living your life.

I'd say your biggest problem is you actively seek to sabotage your own life. You have so many options but always have an excuse not to take them.

You did not deserve your shitty upbringing and shitty, abusive, neglectful parents. You do not deserve the abuse you have suffered since then and the abuse you are suffering now. Leave your husband and go and stay in your house with your brother's family. You can make further plans from there.

How many times do you need to be told to move your brother and his ever increasing children out of their barbie and goth rooms in YOUR house?

Lost cause.

Thank you everyone. I don't feel I can move in with my parents, my dad has recently been diagnosed with cancer and frankly I look a mess at the moment (big black eye, badly bruised cheek and split lip) and I can't deal with the stress and the guilt that I know will come from my mum. I don't know what to do, I am appreciative of all your posts.

Could people try to be a bit nicer? Yes I know I've come across as a useless weak twat but I've been sectioned for attempted suicide several times now. I always try to be nice to people on here even if I don't agree.

I've always had it reinforced that my brother is more important than I am.

Yes yes, I know I'm an adult. But some things stick with you and are hard to overcome.

Move into your home.

@BeEasyonYourself

Have you reported this latest assault to the police? Please take photographs of yourself if you haven't already.

I understand that you feel stuck and your mental health is making it difficult for you to take decisive action. But you've come online for support because you know you can't remain in this situation.

What do you think your options are, as of right now? What could you do today, what could you do tomorrow, what could you do next week?

People can tell you all sorts of things but you can only do what you know you feel capable of doing. If you can't live with your parents, if you can't stay with your siblings, if you can't ask your brother to move out of the property you own, what do you think you can do to change things? When I say can, I mean what do you think you are actually mentally capable of actioning right now to change your situation?

For today, it could be something really small like just researching a local women's refuge and writing down the phone number, if that's all you feel capable of doing. Writing this post has already been a step in the right direction, so that's something. Well done. It will be baby steps but eventually all those little steps will get you away and on with your life.

I also think people are being overtly harsh in replies but I also think they are trying to help and realise that you are potentially in a very dangerous situation. I can imagine it would be v difficult moving back in with your parents . Is your dad going to be treated by big pharma and their chemicals , sorry I know that’s harsh.
Op you need to get out of where you are , it’s honestly dangerous. Does your brother realise your situation?

Also, have you ever had any therapy/counselling to deal with the trauma that is holding you back?

If you aren’t going to move into the house you own what other options do you have? Are you paying a mortgage on it and is he paying you rent? What’s your financial situation?

All of ur life achievements come from YOU and all u need in life is YOU not no guilt trip non listening parents.
When u are ready to leave u will but remember plan ahead and keep yourself safe its a known fact when a women leaves the abuser ur are at the most risk. Until u are ready to leave and realise u want more for you and u are worth more no advice on here will be taken: u have to have had enough yourself. Im so sorry u are going through this. Also consider cuttin of your parents if they make u feel shit.

OP, has it been suggested to you you join the stately homes thread? People will not be fed up of you posting repeatedly or for not actioning their advice. It's not necessarily a thread to help escape DV, although people may have suggestions. But you can post anything you want and it's a good place to help you make sense of your childhood.

If you are a lawyer why can't you afford to leave?

You need to do something OP this is crazy.

every single person you’re defending is massively taking advantage of you. Particularly I’m afraid, your brother.

you need to go round and tell him that unfortunately he can no longer live in the house and needs to find somewhere to rent because you need to live there yourself.

if you can’t do this now due to deep rooted issues then perhaps you need to access some counselling

frankly I look a mess at the moment (big black eye, badly bruised cheek and split lip)

Go to the nearest all night police station right now and report him. Insist that you need help and ask them to take you to a refuge. Don't go back to your abuser.

Be nice to yourself! Being nice doesn't mean putting everyone else's feelings before your own!

Are you self medicating (alcohol or such like)?

I’m not sure why you can’t leave.

I totally understand that women feel trapped in a dv relationship but you’re educated and seem to know what to do.

During his 3 hour job, pack up your stuff and leave. Get a hotel room for the first night if needs be or look on spareroom.com.

I don’t think (most) people are intending not to be nice, OP. I think most people are trying to make you see that you have more power to resolve your awful, dangerous living situation than you keep telling yourself you do. People are trying to give you genuine advice.

Your childhood was clearly appalling and your parents were irresponsible and neglectful at best, and very likely abusive, and from what you’ve said, certainly gave the impression that they favoured your brother. It is understandable (inevitable, even) that this has seriously hurt and affected you.

What is astonishing, and indicative of your inner strength and determination, is that without any support, you (and you alone) worked your way through university and qualified as a lawyer. That is HUGE. A massive achievement. I mean, seriously incredible. You absolutely are a truly exceptional person with incredible abilities.

You CAN use that strength and obvious intelligence to extricate yourself from your awful living situation. You were brought up to believe your brother was more important than you, but you also know that’s bollocks. You know your parents were shit and you know that whatever the fuck they told you when you were growing up can be dismissed as utter crap for that reason. You have been massively affected by your childhood but that doesn’t mean you don’t have choices: you do. And you absolutely do have the innate strength to make those choices. It’s time to stop saying “I can’t do this because my family fucked me up”. Your family absolutely did fuck you up but that doesn’t, in fact, mean you can’t do things. You can. You’re an amazing person who overcame appalling treatment to qualify as a fucking lawyer despite everything.

Your self-esteem is at rock bottom at the moment, and you are literally only staying in your current situation to punish yourself. But what are you punishing yourself for? You’ve done nothing that warrants punishment. You say that you try to be nice to people - how about extending that to yourself? You deserve the best, and you can have it.

Does your brother know the abuse has become physical?

In my view you have 2 options in the immediate short term;

a) move in with your parents, don’t discuss anything historical and stay there until you have a longer term plan/savings

b) you tell your brother the abuse is now physical and you need to move into your home. The kids will have to cope, your abuser could become dangerously violent at any moment, your safety trumps their comfort of their decorated rooms.

Sounds so similar to the woman who wrote the book ‘wavewalker’, except it was 2 siblings. Basically trapped by her parents while her parents sailed round the world for years on end, after initially saying it would a 2 year trip or something. She got out through sheer grit and went on to Oxford while the brother seems to be dependent on his parents still. Parents and brother maintain they had a wonderful childhood….