I'm getting so upset reflecting on my childhood. Am I exaggerating?

[BeEasyonYourself]

I'm sorry if I've posted this before. My mum is trying to guilt trip me and I just want a sense check - if I'm in the wrong I'm happy to acknowledge that!

I barely went to school. Aged 8 until 13 and about 50% attendance. I was taken abroad at 13 and not placed in a school. Just left to fend for myself in a caravan. All my qualifications (and I'm a lawyer so I've gone through all of college, university and a masters) have been off my own back. I was allowed to leave 'home' at 16 and moved into a squat in yet another country. I've never had a penny from my parents since I was 16.

This isn't normal is it?

Sorry if you've read a similar post from me, my mum is making me doubt myself and I'm currently in a domestic abuse situation (we live together and really the only other place i could go is my parents) and just feel like everything is getting on top of me 😔

I know but with the situation you're in and the fact you own it, it's time to stand up for yourself. You're a lawyer, I bet you kick ass at work, just put that mindset to play here and tell your brother he needs to start looking for somewhere else because you are in need and as you own a house, you have limited options. You won't get help with housing when you own, and why should you, you worked your socks off to be a home owner.

Yes I am.
I know I must be pissing people off at this point but it's honestly my only outlet.

All of my friends are tired of hearing it too.

I'm a great lawyer and yes I do kick ass in negotiations! But family/relationship dynamics are another story

Try with women’s aid again—I absolutely don’t accept that they won’t help you because your parents exist or the other house exists. Go to them not your friend.

Sit down with your women’s aid friend and start the eviction process for your brother. She ought to be able to hold your gand over that.

And stop using passive language like “got a bruise” when you mean “my partner beat me.”

OP you appear to be in a trap of thinking about the reasons you can't leave, rather than the resources you have to do just that.

As stands your inaction is dwindling away the financial resources you have narrowing your options further.

You need to get out of your current living situation asap.

That means you need to speak to your brother and as a start point re-claim a bedroom (the children will have to have temporary beds in with their parents) with a view to giving them notice they need to find alternative accommodation. Explain the situation to him. Yes it's difficult but the alternative is him expecting you to keep being beaten up. His kids will survive "camping" in the property for a short time.

You need to be in a safe space to get your MH back on track and start earning again.

Nobody on here can offer you an easy solution or suggest anything you have not been advised before.

YOU need to take action sooner rather than later. You know this. Your friends know this. Everyone on your threads know this.

Unless you make a change you are experiencing death by a thousand cuts and each time you post your situation will be that much worse.

@BeEasyonYourself were your parents “hippys” by any chance. I know quite a few adults who were brought up similarity to how you describe and the reason I use “hippies” is that’s how their now old parents try to defend the neglect of their kids; “oh but we were hippies , a different time etc etc . Ironically now lots of these older people are looking for a more tradition type of family support structure now they need help and support… the hypocrisy. But yea, quite a few of my friends had experiences like this , left to fend for themselves, but food , ended up lending their parents money as young teens. Lots of them have their own kids and are horrified. I think a lot evades social services with moving around a lot .

Sorry off topic, you should absolutely leave , say to your brother/family you are in danger and they need to step up

You're obviously a very intelligent and capable woman. You've done so well for yourself despite your parents' neglect. However, your childhood has wired your brain to have a trauma response to life and that will take a lot of therapy to unpick. You are finding it a struggle to get yourself out of this situation because of the way your brain has evolved to cope with a childhood that contained a lot of uncertainty and instability.

You know something needs to change. However, you seem to be in stasis at the moment, unable to actually take action to bring that change to fruition. This is the trauma response taking over.

Focusing on the past enables you to avoid the present and the future. You know the truth of your childhood and you know your mother's version of events is nonsense. Dwelling on it isn't helping you. You have to focus now on the future.

In the immediate present, you need to be safe. Pack a bag and get yourself to your sister's. Surely her kids can share a bedroom for the time being while you have time to make arrangements. Your sister is going to need to step up here.

You then need to tell your brother he has 6 weeks or whatever to find alternative accommodation. You are a victim of domestic violence and you are leaving your husband. He has benefited from living in your home but now that benefit is at an end because you need it. It's your house. It's your right to do with it what you want. His housing needs are not your problem, they're his.

Have you pressed charges against your husband? If not, start this process now. Once you've got rid of him, future female partners will only be able to know what a precious treasure they've found if there is a police record.

You can do this. But you need to stop thinking and start doing. Otherwise you could end up dead. You know that. So you have to act, and now.

No one can help you then.

You have a house, you are ACTIVELY CHOSING not to live in it.

To be honest women's aid should not home you, you HAVE A HOUSE

Didn’t you say previously your parents were hippies?

I think you need to access some therapy as soon as possible to get to the root of why you are so 'frozen' at the moment. There's obviously some monumental trauma that is preventing you from taking any action. I can see why posters are getting frustrated with your lack of action, also the people around you in real life. Practical solutions to emotional trauma don't really work in these situations. A good therapist would be able to work with you on the panic and procrastination to allow you to move on. Is there anyway you can access this as the first step to freedom?

Yes they were/are.

Yes, I grew up in vehicles.

I can understand the frustration completely but it's hard to get past previous trauma. I was raped at 16 (I was a virgin). I spent my entire 20s with a physically abusive man. And now this.

I feel like I've been conditioned in some way to be like this and I'm just struggling with coming to terms with my parents' part in that.

Sorry if I'm annoying people, sometimes I just need to talk it out.

Thank you to all posters x

@BeEasyonYourself I actually have never read any other threads you wrote but the caravan and having to tear yourself and dragged out of school and I immediately thought of my friends who had “hippy” parents. I think they use the word “hippy” as if they are someone immune from criticism or that the neglect of their children was somehow a conscious decision rather than just being really shit people and parents with no accountability. My friend unfortunately hasn’t done well careerwise, I can see how much she struggles and her siblings, a lot of them struggle with identity and some go down the whole looking like a hippy and trying to emulate their crap parents but in general they are better parents like it wouldn’t be hard!
I think you have done so , so well op , you sound so strong in spite of everything. It’s v v hard having had zero support growing up, you deserve better than this. You need to try and help you now! How does your mum view the past? I imagine a lot of denial and delusion ?

*having to rear yourself

@BeEasyonYourself your parents didn’t parent you or protect you , that the bare fckn minimum of being a parent btw.
You probably have no idea how access help or support as you’ve never had any. I would really encourage you to try and get a your house or a room, I can well imagine it can be really difficult also as some siblings might also minimise what your parents did (that’s because they can’t face it ).
Try and reach out to women’s aid again and explain re your family dynamics and explain they are not a supportive family that you can’t access support from them. If you can just get out abs look into therapy for the future. Your parents might well be dismissive of them and you know why don’t you , it’ll just show the light on them.

*get into your house

That's not a normal childhood. I am so sorry.

My mum thinks she gifted me with a 'wild, free' childhood. She genuinely thinks she did the best by me, hence the guilt trips. And cries and tells me she hasn't slept all night with anxiety and depression if I say anything negative at all. I basically have to go along with the script that I had a wonderful childhood. And I've turned out pretty successful so that's vindication of their views in their eyes.

Reading OP's account of childhood neglect, I would recommend reading
"Wavewalker" by Suzanne Heywood, an account of a childhood at sea, with very little schooling, despite both parents being teachers.
How do these parents get away with it? Apparently, both Suzanne's father and brother have given their accounts to the Daily Mail and denied everything, but after reading the book, it sounds as if her brother was the favoured child.

What’s your financial situation OP? I’m sorry, I haven’t seen your previous threads I think.

Are you working just now? Where does your income go? Do you have enough to rent somewhere small on your own?

OP, have you tried looking at SpareRoom.com?
If you can rent a room, it's cheaper than renting a house or flat, and you could use it as a stepping stone towards obtaining your own place.
Safestore UK have a 50% offer for up to 8 weeks currently if you need to stash some belongings.

@BeEasyonYourself very convenient her shutting you down and taking credit for your own hard work DESPITE them. My friends parents clinked glasses recently at his milestone birthday ( also brought up by two total wasters) congratulating themselves on his success “ we must have done something right eh”?
He was literally passed around from squat to squat ( again evading social services) but managed to crawl out of his awful upbringing and like you make something of himself.
His take is very interesting. That they will never admit the truth but ultimately they know op , they know the real truth, they have only themselves to face in the end . Also his parents have health issues now they are older and he’s simply 👋, his half sisters live far away and have their own lives. Interesting they want the traditional family support now they never gave and scorned when younger, in fact none of these hippy parents went near their own aging parents to help .

You are fully aware that none of this is normal, OP. You don’t need that confirming.

Everyone on your previous threads has given you lots of advice re. your domestic violence situation, which you could act upon. You own a home you could go to and you are not incapable of reclaiming it from your brother, and whenever anyone points this out to you, you simply say you can’t because of your childhood hang ups.

At this point you need to accept that you are choosing the situation that you are in. You DO have options and you CAN take them. Your childhood and subsequent traumas are horrendous but they are not preventing you from making choices and honestly, your posts about your relationship are just starting to look like some kind of self-destructive masochism now. Nobody can change this situation but you.