Nightmare teen

[Theoldyoungmum]

My 17 year old is driving me to despair. He’s got an apprenticeship and is on a decent wage for his age. He lives at home, we make him a packed lunch everyday for work, buy him clothes, shoes toiletries etc and pay his phone bill £56 an month and still take him away on every family holiday. For his 17th birthday we payed for him to undergo an intensive driving course so that he would be driving asap as he was really excited to learn to drive. The course cost in excess of £1500, and we had also given him a car. He passed his test first time. Prior to him learning to drive we had already had discussions on how expensive car insurance would be. We agreed that if we got a few quotes he would save half and we would pay the other half. The day he passed his test we were setting up the insurance and asked him to bank transfer his share. He told us that he didn’t have any money in his account and had not saved as per the agreement. Not to cause any further disagreements and to take the shine off him passing his test - I paid the half we promised and then set up a direct debit to cover the other half which he agreed to pay.

we are now 8 months down the road and he has only paid one months insurance.

since passing his test his car has needed 4 new tyres which I had to pay for, he broke a sensor which I also paid for, he didn’t pay his road tax when it was due so I paid for this also, and its recently had to have an MOT which it failed and then required £560 worth of repairs - he had cracked his rear lights and water damage burnt out the eletrics and he needed a new underarm as he has damaged the under of the car on speed bumps. There were also a few other bits and pieces that needed looking at. I warned him prior to the MOT that it needed some repair work and he should make sure he saved. When we picked the car up again the same old story he didn’t have any money to pay so I ended up footing the bill.

I then made a payment plan for him to repay £50 a week towards the repairs and reminded him that he would also need to start paying his insurance direct debit. We are now 4 weeks down the road and I am yet to receive any money for the repairs and he’s missed yet another insurance payment.

I'm seriously considering cancelling his insurance but then I would feel bad taking away his independence and he needs his car for work.

I keep asking for the money and he says things like ‘you must really hate me to be going on and on at em all the time’ or ‘You make my life so difficult asking for all this money all the time when I just want to go out like a normal 17 year old and enjoy!’ It’s really getting me down and causing a lot of atmosphere in the house between us and my husband.

AIBU if I cancelled his phone bill direct Debit and his insurance and refuse to pay for it anymore?

You are enabling his poor behaviour. He doesn't keep the agreement and time after time you bail him out!!!

Time toget tough!!!

I don't understand why you pay for his phone when he is working? That just seems ridiculous. I would charge rent from 18 if he works. With regard to the car he has to afford it or he can't run it - so he doesn't run it! It's not your responsibility. I think he is taking advantage of you.

Don't enable him any more. Don't pay for any more car repairs or the insurance - if he wants to drive his car he can pay for it himself! It's not on that he hasn't stuck to his half of the agreement, and if you keep paying the shortfall, nothing will change.

Why he not making his lunch. My 7 year old makes her lunch for school. Cancel the insurance. What is he doing with his money?

Why are you allowing this?

he doesn’t pay, he doesn’t drive. It’s not that difficult ?

Youve failed quite badly allowing this. Time to suck it up and parent.

Back up the truck. Stop paying.
You're grown up now

Time to put your foot down, part of the problem is you are offering yourself as his doormat. I have a boy the same age, he’s been working for a year. he was not easy from 13-16, so he is no saint. We agreed for him to have a free ride with his wages for the first two months. 3rd month £100 housekeeping (token amount) & £100 petrol money to his dad for the rides to work. He saved for his car (+ contribution from grandparents). We paid for half his driving lessons. He paid the insurance. His car is being serviced tomorrow, he’s paying. We did used to pay his phone contract, but he asked me to change the payment details to him once he got his job. Is he selfish in other areas of family life?

He sounds a very very entitled young man, but read through how you spoil him?

You are the ones just giving in when he causes a mess.
Just tell him that he is now in charge of his own finances and if he can’t budget to run his own car then so be it.
Just say No. Don’t ask for money, just refuse to pay for stuff. He completely took the piss with you with the insurance and frankly, you let him.

I would change the direct debits to be from his account, not yours. Both the insurance and his phone. Then if he defaults that's his own issue. Why are you paying for his clothes etc too when he is earning a wage?! You are not teaching him to be independent by giving into his guilt trips

From all the damages he's accrued he doesn't sound like a responsible driver. I'd not pay his car insurance and I'd stop doing things for him. Just think about should he ever get married is he going to expect his partner to behave like his mum? He needs some better life skills.

Moral of that story seems to be that you've given him far too much, too young. He has learnt to have no responsibilities & has got used to being bailed out. He sounds extremely immature & just takes from you. I hope his attitude to actual driving isn't as immature & irresponsible.
Cancel it all & let him get his priorities in order. YANBU.

The important part here is not who should pay exactly what, but teaching him to have a mature and responsible attitude to money, to budget and so on.

Time to sit down with him for a meeting. Have a look together at his bank account to see where the money is going. Make a budget. Praise him for the ways he is being independent (apprenticeship). Use carrots and not just sticks. Be reasonable about expectations: absolutely making lunch should be his responsibility. But don't guilt trip him about taking him on family holidays as that's not a normal thing for kids to have to contribute to or to have much choice about - it's your investment as parents in family time.

I would be saying to him either you both sit down together and set up a standing order this week for a regular payment to you or you will cancel his car insurance and put plans in place to sell the car to recoup your expenses. I’d also agree an amount he saves each month towards car maintenance (maybe set up a separate account for it) or ask if he’d prefer to send it to you to keep saf3 so he’s not tempted to spend it

Personally I would explain to him that unless he was prepared to set up a DD for £500 pm (to pay back his insurance, MOT etc and cover his food, clothing and phone contract) then the phone costs were being transferred to him, no more food would be bought and he is entirely responsible for all car costs, no subs from mum & dad, if he can't pay the car goes.
You have a relatively narrow window of opportunity to suck the entitlement out of this young man and ground him firmly in the real world.
I also have a 17 year old apprentice on approx £1000 pm and he is nothing like your son! He has healthy savings, is paying for his own driving lessons and even helped out with some emergency veterinary care for one of our pets (paid back once the insurance came through!).
Your son knows you don't hate him, he's playing you and it is working.

You're doing him zero favours by continuing to enable him and him have zero consequences for his actions or responsibility. Time to be a parent.

He’s taking the piss. Tell him in no uncertain terms that he pays you on pay day for car, phone etc or both are cancelled. Stop buying him clothes!! He has £1000 a month to spend!! What is he doing with it all? Have you ever wondered about drugs?

Hand it over to him, the responsibility the costs everything. If he can't respect that you pay for everything then, as he's earning, he pays for it. All of it.

£1k a month? What is he spending it all on?
You pay for everything and he can't even spend it in the pub at 17.
My 19 year old at Uni has £100 a week and he manages to pay for food, travel and nights out on that

"Spoiling" doesn't mean "giving nice things" to someone... it actually means harming them by indulging them. Do think about that, as it's still a formative time in his life.

You are doing way too much for him and he will always expect it. No way I’d pay all that when he has a good job. How is he going to learn how to budget?

He Isn’t a nightmare. He works and can drive and presumably has a good social circle.

He feels like nightmare because he is so disrespectful but it sounds like you have expected him to be managed and indulged but to grow up to take on responsibilities too. You hoped giving love and care would create the same but you are actually prolonging his egocentric toddler stage.

You casually mention that you bought him a car. Had he done a winter of early starts waiting for a bus or getting his bike out then he would be more appreciative. How often does he make your lunch? How often has he cooked or shopped for the family? Why are you still routinely buying his clothes?

Help him manage the next stage by letting him find things hard and make adjustments accordingly.

You need to start showing some tough love. You're facilitating his lack of financial budgeting.

If he's not paying rent and is bringing home c£1,000/month, then he can afford all the things he's currently happy for you to pay for. Who wouldn't be if mummy bails him out all the time? (I've used that word deliberately to show how he's taking advantage of you).

How many 17 year olds have £1,000/month "spending money"?

Stop nagging him to pay you. Give him a month's notice that you'll be stopping paying for his mobile. He'll have to take over the direct debit. Ditto with the car insurance.

Stop making him lunch. He can make or get that for himself.

You'll probably have to write off the money you've spent so far on his car - but warn him that you will not be paying for anything more, so he'll have to budget for that.

He's already getting a free ride because of the free rent and (I presume) free evening meals and breakfast. A 17 year old doesn't live on air

I can't help much beyond that as ds has always been good with money. When he graduated, he came home from Uni (for a good job but it was WFH) and we charged him £100 for food and told him to save £200/month into his "Help to Buy ISA" (and trusted that he was doing so). He then admitted he got an extra £26/month from his company towards WFH costs. He set up a standing order of £126 without nagging. (He did once complain that we were charging him £300/month but he was quickly disabused of that )

His grandfather bought him his first year's car insurance but last year, when it was up for renewal, I paid it up front (as annual payment is much cheaper) and he's been paying me 1/12 every month by standing order.

Maybe you could review some of the things you pay for if he sets up the standing orders in front of you. But from what you've described, you'd have to check every month that they actually come in. You'd have to warn him that they're non-negotiable: if they frail to fail to come through, then all financial support stops.

Why would he pay you back though? You've taught him that mummy will pay for everything and all he needs to do is ignore you long enough.

Sell the car, cancel the insurance, he isn't mature enough to have a car.

Ok, have a rant first, because you deserve to...

I've only read the first paragraph of your post and skimmed the rest...

It's so easy to say, but absolutely cancel everything. What are his wages? A car is a luxury and if he's competent enough to drive, he's competent enough to pay his way (even at a discounted rate).
Do you have unlimited funds to keep him? I said YABU, because whether it's a car or a comic you're paying for everyday, he's been spoilt and more importantly, not appreciating it.
Are you worried about the repercussions if you cut him off? It's never black and white 💐

@Theoldyoungmum

You're enabling him to act like a selfish, spoiled little brat! Unless you do something, he'll keep taking the piss.