Nightmare teen

[Theoldyoungmum]

My 17 year old is driving me to despair. He’s got an apprenticeship and is on a decent wage for his age. He lives at home, we make him a packed lunch everyday for work, buy him clothes, shoes toiletries etc and pay his phone bill £56 an month and still take him away on every family holiday. For his 17th birthday we payed for him to undergo an intensive driving course so that he would be driving asap as he was really excited to learn to drive. The course cost in excess of £1500, and we had also given him a car. He passed his test first time. Prior to him learning to drive we had already had discussions on how expensive car insurance would be. We agreed that if we got a few quotes he would save half and we would pay the other half. The day he passed his test we were setting up the insurance and asked him to bank transfer his share. He told us that he didn’t have any money in his account and had not saved as per the agreement. Not to cause any further disagreements and to take the shine off him passing his test - I paid the half we promised and then set up a direct debit to cover the other half which he agreed to pay.

we are now 8 months down the road and he has only paid one months insurance.

since passing his test his car has needed 4 new tyres which I had to pay for, he broke a sensor which I also paid for, he didn’t pay his road tax when it was due so I paid for this also, and its recently had to have an MOT which it failed and then required £560 worth of repairs - he had cracked his rear lights and water damage burnt out the eletrics and he needed a new underarm as he has damaged the under of the car on speed bumps. There were also a few other bits and pieces that needed looking at. I warned him prior to the MOT that it needed some repair work and he should make sure he saved. When we picked the car up again the same old story he didn’t have any money to pay so I ended up footing the bill.

I then made a payment plan for him to repay £50 a week towards the repairs and reminded him that he would also need to start paying his insurance direct debit. We are now 4 weeks down the road and I am yet to receive any money for the repairs and he’s missed yet another insurance payment.

I'm seriously considering cancelling his insurance but then I would feel bad taking away his independence and he needs his car for work.

I keep asking for the money and he says things like ‘you must really hate me to be going on and on at em all the time’ or ‘You make my life so difficult asking for all this money all the time when I just want to go out like a normal 17 year old and enjoy!’ It’s really getting me down and causing a lot of atmosphere in the house between us and my husband.

AIBU if I cancelled his phone bill direct Debit and his insurance and refuse to pay for it anymore?

You really are making a rod for your own back OP.

What you have spent is astronomical

He will only learn when he has to. I wouldn’t cancel his current insurance but I’d make it very very clear to him and stick to it that come next repair, insurance, mot your purse is closed tighter than a nuns kazoo

he needs to learn the hard way.

Tough love needed! Explain that you need some of his earnings towards the costs of the car as agreed or it’s going along with the phone payments. If he starts with the manipulative language just walk away. If he wants to be treated like an adult he needs to act like one. Stay firm.

That’s the point OP. You need to make life difficult, it will do him good and teach him valuable life lessons. He is nearly 18 and acting like a spoilt child. Tough love is necessary for him to grow and become more independent. If he really does believe that you are the worst person in the world then he earns more than enough money to rent a room somewhere else. By enabling his behaviour you are doing your son a massive disservice.

Yes, stop paying. You've given him enough chances. Maybe he can't manage his spending, rather than being deliberately uncooperative, but in the end it amounts to the same thing.

Without use of a car he will need to sort out public transport or pay for a cab, like millions of other people do.

Now is the time in his life when you can help him learn to manage money and step up to some responsibilities, without it being disastrous. Worst case scenario, he loses his job because he can't get there.

Look, I know you'll think I'm OTT but I have seen this exact thing with someone in my family. Who is now approaching 40, still lives with their parents because they are fundamentally unable to sort out their finances - which are very basic - adequate wage in, which disappears. They can't talk about it after so long and have developed a total aversion to facing dealing with it.

Woman up for your son's sake. Address it without getting emotional but be consistent.

Another way to frame it to him: being an adult and independent is expensive. We are doing you no favours by enabling you to have £1k discretionary money per month by feeding you housing you clothing you and paying for your transport. (Can you work through a budget with him showing him how much it all costs?). I would try to work with him to find a way to “solve” this challenge. I have a 17 yo DS who makes his own lunch and has a £6 / month sim only contract and a very old phone. He works a few hours a week (still at school) and does not fritter money. Still has lots of financial learning to do but knows it and that’s how we frame it.

Also forget about him 'hating' you. Firstly, he most likely doesn't, he's just an obnoxious teen. Secondly, you want him to respect you and not trample all over your boundaries.

When DD1 was doing an apprenticeship we:
. Paid 1 year car insurance up front and provided a car
. She paid for petrol & servicing
. She also paid for her phone & clothes
. We didn't charge for any board
. We taught her how to budget with a spending account, a bills account and a savings book
. She had to save so she would gave next year's insurance ready when needed.

Your DS needs to pay out money on payday either to you or to savings.

So basically you're treating him like a spoilt child but expecting him to act like a responsible (almost) adult!

I don't know if scrounging, but abusive and manipulative definitely.

So. I have a 17 yr old dd apprentice.
She pays £100 a month rent( until she's 18 we're putting it in her child trust fund for her)
She's pays her own phone, gym membership, Spotify.
I took a loan out for her car. She's making those payments.
She's paid all but £200 of her driving lessons. She owes me £150 for the last two and the test. She's paying that back £60 a month.
She's paying her own insurance.
She's finding it hard and we've had a few months we're we've had to sub her. She's finding her wages don't go far. But she's learning.
Our only gripe is she does very little round the house and backchats too much. Typical 17 yr old.
You need to put your foot down now. Trust me I know it's easier said than done but he'll not learn while you sub him all the time.

You are not doing yourself or your son any favours by bailing him out all the time. How on earth do you expect him to learn how to budget and save? Seriously, you have mug written on your forehead and it’s shining it great big bright letters and you son can definitely see it.

Do your son a favour and stop bailing him out, or he will forever be running back to mum and dad whenever he needs money

He's not ready to own a car. You are not helping him in any way here.

You sound so surprised that he's not living up to his end of the agreement, when literally every time he needs something, or doesn't want to pay for something, you step in.

Why are you making a 17 year old his lunch? He can either make a pack lunch himself or use some of his own money to buy lunch surely?

You must know that you're enabling his behaviour? I honestly find this type of parenting approach so baffling - literally bend over backwards to give your child everything they could ever possibly need or want and then wonder why they are a nightmare!

He's trampling all over your boundaries and needs a bit of a wake-up call that it's not ok to go through life treating people this way.

You aren't helping him at all by keeping bailing him out.
Buying clothes and toiletries was bad enough. I haven't bought anything like that since mine were about 15/16 other than the odd treat.
Is stop with the handouts and he'll have to get public transport till he has learnt to drive safely and can his own repair bills

I would still pay his insurance and car repairs but stop everything else. Stop the lunches, stop the clothes, paying for the phone , all of it. Tell him that is necessary now you pay the car. If he needs the car for work that is essential

Stop making excuses OP, I'm sure he could manage to get to his pick up point without his own car - it might be less convenient and a little harder, but he could do it. He is manipulating you /DH and you're enabling him.

Blooming heck OP! I wanted to explain why I voted yabu - I think yabvu for enabling him! What exactly I'd he spending his wages on if you are covering ALL of his living costs??

The car should have been scrapped when it failed its mot. He won't respect it until he's responsible for it. What's his money being spent on? He's 17 with a grand disposable income and nothing to show for it. He's taking the piss out of you.

Can I come and live with you?

Nuns kazoo 😂

STOP PAYING. He doesn't have to pay as he knows mummy and daddy will pick up the bill. You have made this situation by bailing him out again and again. Until you learn your lesson he won't.