Nightmare teen

[Theoldyoungmum]

My 17 year old is driving me to despair. He’s got an apprenticeship and is on a decent wage for his age. He lives at home, we make him a packed lunch everyday for work, buy him clothes, shoes toiletries etc and pay his phone bill £56 an month and still take him away on every family holiday. For his 17th birthday we payed for him to undergo an intensive driving course so that he would be driving asap as he was really excited to learn to drive. The course cost in excess of £1500, and we had also given him a car. He passed his test first time. Prior to him learning to drive we had already had discussions on how expensive car insurance would be. We agreed that if we got a few quotes he would save half and we would pay the other half. The day he passed his test we were setting up the insurance and asked him to bank transfer his share. He told us that he didn’t have any money in his account and had not saved as per the agreement. Not to cause any further disagreements and to take the shine off him passing his test - I paid the half we promised and then set up a direct debit to cover the other half which he agreed to pay.

we are now 8 months down the road and he has only paid one months insurance.

since passing his test his car has needed 4 new tyres which I had to pay for, he broke a sensor which I also paid for, he didn’t pay his road tax when it was due so I paid for this also, and its recently had to have an MOT which it failed and then required £560 worth of repairs - he had cracked his rear lights and water damage burnt out the eletrics and he needed a new underarm as he has damaged the under of the car on speed bumps. There were also a few other bits and pieces that needed looking at. I warned him prior to the MOT that it needed some repair work and he should make sure he saved. When we picked the car up again the same old story he didn’t have any money to pay so I ended up footing the bill.

I then made a payment plan for him to repay £50 a week towards the repairs and reminded him that he would also need to start paying his insurance direct debit. We are now 4 weeks down the road and I am yet to receive any money for the repairs and he’s missed yet another insurance payment.

I'm seriously considering cancelling his insurance but then I would feel bad taking away his independence and he needs his car for work.

I keep asking for the money and he says things like ‘you must really hate me to be going on and on at em all the time’ or ‘You make my life so difficult asking for all this money all the time when I just want to go out like a normal 17 year old and enjoy!’ It’s really getting me down and causing a lot of atmosphere in the house between us and my husband.

AIBU if I cancelled his phone bill direct Debit and his insurance and refuse to pay for it anymore?

You are denying him independence because you don't actually let him do anything for himself. Do you think he loves, admires or respects you? How can he grow up and form healthy relationships when you model this kind of behaviour to him. Decide some areas of his life where he can take responsibility, sit down with him and tell him what is happening going forward. Treat him like an adult not a child.

Step 1: tell him if he doesn't pay you this week's money immediately, ie now, then you will stop paying for his phone.
Step 2: Assuming he doesn't pay, stop paying his phone, now, today.
Step 3: further warning - no payment = no car insurance.
Step 4: Assuming he still hasn't paid, cancel car insurance.
Repeat until he pays.

No, I would have chucked him out within half a day 😂

You've reared a spoilt brat OP, and you need to turn this around fast or he will forever be a spoilt brat, still sponging off you when he's 40!

There's no point in "sitting him down and explaining" anything. Just tell him that it's time for him to grow up, man up and start respecting you. That means paying for his own stuff, making his own lunches, and generally behaving like a useful contributing member of society.

That doesn't mean that he doesn't get to have a social ife of course, just that he needs to do what we all do, learn to budget, take care of his stuff (car) so that he doesn't have unnecessary repairs to pay for, and save for upcoming expenses.

I'm the mother of a young man who was also an apprentice.

I would have hated to have a young adult who acted like a child, showed me no respect, and expected me to fund his lifestyle and, and, make his lunches!! I really can't believe you still baby him that much!

He sounds really spoilt OP.

In your shoes I'd tell him that you're only prepared to pay for say 2 months more car insurance and after that he's on his own to pay for all car and phone expenses going forward, if he can't afford it it, you will be selling the car. I'd also be charging a nominal amount of rent, say £100pm and putting it in a savings account to give him later.

Why are you making his packed lunches? My kids (12 and 9) make their own. Don't tell me you do his laundry and clean his bedroom too!

You need to stop doing so much for him and paying for him. If not for your own sake but for the sake of his future girlfriend/wife!!! Don’t normalise this for him!

Let him know that you will be cancelling his insurance on X date, and share the details with him of the company so that HE can reinstate it. At 17 I was organising my own car insurance and MOTs and making my own packed lunch. I didn’t have an apprenticeship but I had a job in the supermarkets working weekends and evenings to cover my own car costs on top of still being in full time education.

he can do these things himself, but while you are picking up the slack he has no incentive to do it.

good luck OP! It will feel tough putting your foot down after things being the way they have for so long.

He's manipulating you because he knows it works. Of course he knows you don't hate him. It's just an easy way to get you off his back!

It's about time you stopped doing this. Soon enough, he's going to be out in the big world, potentially with a partner. Is he going to expect him/her to do all of this for him? Or is he going to have to learn for himself? It's part of your job to help him become a functioning adult- at the moment he sounds like a man-baby.

I don't want to be too harsh but honestly you sound exactly like my husband's mum - she bends over backwards to accommodate her youngest son, has enabled him to drop out of college multiple times, go wothout a job for months and years at a time, let dodgy girlfriends move in and is now doing full-time childcare for his son while he stays in his pit of a bedroom all day and his current girlfriend takes care of their newborn baby. My father-in-law has put off his retirement to continue financially supporting him and his terrible decisions at 25 years old. You aren't doing him - or yourself - any favours by allowing this to happen.

He’s not a nightmare teen, he’s a spoilt one.

He cant afford a car. Simples.

Send him a link to the bus pass page.

He's got a great line in emotional manipulation there, which I'd also want nipped in the bud. All he is learning is that you're soft touch that's good for splashing the cash the minute he sticks his bottom lip out and crys that mummy hates him. Cop on!

You're being a complete doormat, he needs a good shove to grow up a bit more and your pandering to him in
I am stunned how far he's manage to squeeze the pips out of you without a reality check.
I'd have sat down and done a financial assessment of who has got the most disposable income and discussed the results by now as a neutral way to push back against his take take take attitude.

ds is at uni (commuting) and works PT. He earns around £7k a year. Doesn't take out a maintenance loan.

He doesn't pay rent but pays for his own clothes, gym, way too many takeaways, socialising, phone, netflix, playstation, barbers, football season ticket/away matches etc and managed to go on holiday this year too!

We have agreed to pay for his car insurance until he is out of uni (it helps us too as he gives us lifts when needed, or pops to shops/returns parcels for us) and we give him some money for Christmas and birthday.

If your son does not pay for insurance he needs to learn he doesn't get to drive his car. Independence isn't just about driving it is the responsibility of paying for it too!

Send him a link to the bus pass page.

No don't! That's just more enabling. He can sort it out himself.

I do think you need to draw a line. Understandable that you want to help him get on his feet and it might be different if he was in full time education but he is earning his own money. Why on God’s green earth are you paying for his phone? And making his lunch?

My DD is 13 years old and makes her own lunch.

You are raising the kind of son who will find a woman to baby him and turn into a useless cocklodger. Do him a favour and stop paying him to be a baby.

He's seventeen, not seven - time for you to cut the apron strings and time for him to grow up.

Stop paying for him! Don’t fix his car when he dings it. Don’t make his lunches. Cancel,the phone - you’ll recoup some of the insurance money. Come renewal time you take the keys till he proves he’s paid it.

Bet you do his washing as well 🤦‍♀️

You might think you're being a great mum doing everything for him but actually you're being a terrible parent, teaching him nothing about independence and respect.

My Giffgaff SIM is £8 a month 🤷‍♀️ also enough with the packed lunch..he can do it