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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my best friend has turned into someone I don't like

56 replies

irishchick93 · 09/08/2024 15:39

Some info for context.
Best friends from school 20+ years. Friends in a group aswell as separately.
Grown up together. School uni etc even worked together a while. Both with significant partners and 3 children each. Kids are friends. Same school etc. Same stage of life basically.

However, I just think she has gotten so argumentative. I'm pretty easy going but even this is starting to annoy me.
If I said "Aw thats so nice your mum is babysitting the kids will have a great day" she'll reply with. "Well who did you think was babysitting" or another example is we were out for the night and had a few drinks and someone said to her oh what time you going home at? I answered and said we've a cab booked for 1am. I know technically I answered but we were all sitting together. She would snap saying "can you butt out" this is all the last few months and I can really see her picking up her partners argumentative traits. Not traits I've seen in my friend for the past 20 years!

Other in the group have also noticed, and have stopped bothering much with her. I don't get into the gossip about it because I'm obviously loyal to my best friend.

I don't know how to deal with this?!

OP posts:
Original poster
irishchick93 · 09/08/2024 15:43

Sorry forgot to add.

The final straw was today.

A group of us were arranging a day out and i said next weekend doesn't suit on a WhatsApp chat. It suited most others and they were struggling to find a date so I said honestly go on ahead I can meet up later that night after work.

They said "aw no we want you to come etc"

I said no honestly just go on and she replied "we don't need your permission lol" joke with a jag? I was embarrassed. I only wanted to encourage them to go ahead and not to cancel as it didn't suit me.

OP posts:
CroutonSpoon · 09/08/2024 15:43

I just take the view that friendships shouldn’t be that hard, and should improve your life. That doesn’t mean you end them over just any old thing or if someone is going through a bad patch but if they’ve stopped enhancing your life (and vice versa, as she seems irritated by you based on the examples), it’s time to think long and hard about whether they’re worth your time - life is too short.

hildabaker · 09/08/2024 15:45

She sounds like a pain. It is ok not to like someone you used to like when you were kids. Do you have any other friendship groups?

Ace56 · 09/08/2024 15:45

I would step back a bit from the friendship here. Unless she confides in you that she’s got something negative going on in her life that’s affecting her moods, it’s not really nice to be around someone like this.

Original poster
irishchick93 · 09/08/2024 15:46

Yes!! I feel like I annoy her.
Yes I have a lot of other separate friends and also play sports, have 5 sisters. I'm not exactly needy but I do like to keep in touch maybe I should just leave things until she contacts me.

OP posts:
something2say · 09/08/2024 15:47

I think a snap back would sort this out. I know you dont want to have to and I know it's hard, but it us a skill best learned as most of us have to stick up for ourselves at some points in life.

Honestly, snap back at her and then if she questions you later, say 'you are becoming a bit rude, I had to stick up for myself.'

Lexigone · 09/08/2024 15:47

Is she peri? I only say that as I got quite grumpy at the start.

MatildaTheCat · 09/08/2024 15:47

It sounds as if she’s become very irritated by you. Is she important enough to you to ask her about this directly?

GreyCarpet · 09/08/2024 15:48

MatildaTheCat · 09/08/2024 15:47

It sounds as if she’s become very irritated by you. Is she important enough to you to ask her about this directly?

I'd agree with this.

When you say others have noticed, is that becaise she's being snappier with them too or they've noticed her being snappy with you?

Original poster
irishchick93 · 09/08/2024 15:49

GreyCarpet · 09/08/2024 15:48

I'd agree with this.

When you say others have noticed, is that becaise she's being snappier with them too or they've noticed her being snappy with you?

Show quote history

With everyone. Very snappy. Not peri- too young

OP posts:
SauviGone · 09/08/2024 15:50

Going forward, I’d only see or contact her as part of the group.

I see it quite often on here where people tolerate shitty behaviour from friends because “we’ve been friends for 20+ years/since primary school” - like there’s some kind of criteria of friends you must have and they tick that box.

People change a lot in 20 years. It sounds like the group as a whole is becoming tired of her snappy attitude.

Beth216 · 09/08/2024 15:51

You could go along the lines of 'Have I done something to upset you because it feels like you're being a bit snappy with me?' Or you could just slowly back away. Depends how important the friendship is to you and how difficult it would be to disentangle yourself.

Original poster
irishchick93 · 09/08/2024 15:53

It's like being with someone and your constantly watching what you say. I tend to be telling stories and having a bit of fun and I don't like getting caught up in arguments.

It's enough working 40 hours a week watching what you say never mind at weekends with friends

OP posts:
NorthernSpirit · 09/08/2024 15:53

She was isn’t a good friend. Friends do not treat friends like this.

There are friend ‘givers’ who enhance your life and friend ‘takers’ who use you.

She sounds the latter - it’s not nice that she’s treating you like this. She’s sounds like a bully & bullies usually have low self esteem and treat people like they do to bolster it.

Personally I would tell her how her behaviour is making you feel (one to one & face to face). If she doesn’t change her mean behaviour then I would step away from her.

You have been friends for a long time & friendships do change & end.

GreyCarpet · 09/08/2024 15:53

irishchick93 · 09/08/2024 15:49

With everyone. Very snappy. Not peri- too young

Show quote history

In that case, if just give her a wide berth within the group. Do what the others do.

If you challenge it, you run the risk of putting the others in a position where they have to take sides and most people don't like that so will side with the troublemaker for an easier life (been there, done that and got the t shirt more than once...)

Put some distance between the two of you within the group. Don't arrange things with her 121, don't get involved with sharing lifts with her etc. Just step away.

If left to run it's own course, she will be phased out or phase herself out anyway. Just ignore unpleasant comments she makes to the group chat etc. She's revealing herself more everytime.

Fortyshadesofgreen345 · 09/08/2024 15:54

The only way to deal with this is to have a calm but direct word with her op somewhere neutral along the lines that you felt embarrassed by her unpleasant comment yesterday and on several previous occasions. As this is a recent occurrence is there something going on with her etc?

If she doubles down then you have every right to distance yourself and tell her why. But if she is a real friend she will apologise and either try and put it right or explain that she is going through something stressful like MH issues, money or relationship problems or menopause that make it difficult for her to be aware of how she is behaving.

Edited to say: sorry just read it's not peri or meno

romdowa · 09/08/2024 15:54

Before walking away I'd challenge her on it in the moment. No way would I allow someone to speak to me like that

cheddercherry · 09/08/2024 15:56

I just wouldn’t accept her speaking to me like that, especially in a group setting where I assume the aim is to embarrass/ belittle you in front of the others?

I’d just distance myself but if I was in a group setting and forced to mix and she did it again I’d have to say “I’m sorry do you have a problem?” It sounds really blunt and jarring for her to be snapping at everyone all the time.

Original poster
irishchick93 · 09/08/2024 15:57

Another example.

Girls night out last Friday and I happened to be texting with her beforehand and said I was going to get a lift with friend no.3 as we are the same area and she said "why, that's going out of her way" I should have said what TF does this have to do with you? But I instead said ah it's just 2 minutes round the back road.🙄

OP posts:
Mickey79 · 09/08/2024 15:58

For a friend of 20+ years who is suddenly acting out of character like that, I’d be asking them if something is wrong.

GreyCarpet · 09/08/2024 15:59

Fortyshadesofgreen345 · 09/08/2024 15:54

The only way to deal with this is to have a calm but direct word with her op somewhere neutral along the lines that you felt embarrassed by her unpleasant comment yesterday and on several previous occasions. As this is a recent occurrence is there something going on with her etc?

If she doubles down then you have every right to distance yourself and tell her why. But if she is a real friend she will apologise and either try and put it right or explain that she is going through something stressful like MH issues, money or relationship problems or menopause that make it difficult for her to be aware of how she is behaving.

Edited to say: sorry just read it's not peri or meno

Edited

Unless you've actually done this yourself and it worked for you, I would say this is poor advice.

I did this once and it became very unpleasant. She absolutely doubled down and I was excommunicated by an entire friendship group.

BunnyLake · 09/08/2024 16:01

irishchick93 · 09/08/2024 15:53

It's like being with someone and your constantly watching what you say. I tend to be telling stories and having a bit of fun and I don't like getting caught up in arguments.

It's enough working 40 hours a week watching what you say never mind at weekends with friends

I’d say something. You can either go gently, the ‘are you ok?’ route or you can go the ‘snap out of your grumpy moods or I’ll not bother with you anymore’ route. I’d be at the stage now where I’d want to tell her.

Fortyshadesofgreen345 · 09/08/2024 16:05

GreyCarpet · 09/08/2024 15:59

Unless you've actually done this yourself and it worked for you, I would say this is poor advice.

I did this once and it became very unpleasant. She absolutely doubled down and I was excommunicated by an entire friendship group.

Show quote history

I have done this with a family member who broke down and apologised and said they were finding it very hard in our WhatsApp group because she was TTC with their 2nd and everyone else was getting pregnant very easily from her perspective. This wasn't actually true as I knew one or two had had fertility issues but I sympathised with her and it was ok going forward. A bit "careful" at first but back to normal now.

Original poster
irishchick93 · 09/08/2024 16:05

Thanks for advice
I also find I'm sneaking around with others from the group as one would ask me to hang out and I'm actually afraid to mention it to her. I know she wouldn't come but don't see why I have to ask her everywhere if she's being like this? She wouldn't hang out with anyone else without asking but tbh she's a bit of a hermit whereas I like to get out

OP posts:
Fluffytoebeanz · 09/08/2024 16:06

I'd do "are you ok, Hun?" And I'd she's snarky, reply, I'm sorry you don't seem yourself at the moment have a lovely evening.

Be super sweet and super passive aggressive. Her head will explode.

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