AIBU to think my best friend has turned into someone I don't like

[irishchick93]

Some info for context.
Best friends from school 20+ years. Friends in a group aswell as separately.
Grown up together. School uni etc even worked together a while. Both with significant partners and 3 children each. Kids are friends. Same school etc. Same stage of life basically.

However, I just think she has gotten so argumentative. I'm pretty easy going but even this is starting to annoy me.
If I said "Aw thats so nice your mum is babysitting the kids will have a great day" she'll reply with. "Well who did you think was babysitting" or another example is we were out for the night and had a few drinks and someone said to her oh what time you going home at? I answered and said we've a cab booked for 1am. I know technically I answered but we were all sitting together. She would snap saying "can you butt out" this is all the last few months and I can really see her picking up her partners argumentative traits. Not traits I've seen in my friend for the past 20 years!

Other in the group have also noticed, and have stopped bothering much with her. I don't get into the gossip about it because I'm obviously loyal to my best friend.

I don't know how to deal with this?!

My partner has also noticed as various recent events that she's so grumpy and basically no time to speak to anyone. I feel defensive when he says that but he definitely had a point.

Look if things keep going this way the friendship is going to be over anyway, so it sounds worth just trying to talk to her about it first.

A simple "you keep snapping at me and I don't like how things are, it's really been bothering me. Have I done something or is there something else going on with you?" should do the trick.

I'd be inclined to give her a wide berth until she cops on to herself. I think I'd also want to say something to her though, particularly if you have been such good friends.

You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around her. If your families are so entwined could you ask her husband if everything is ok? It seems odd that so many people have noticed including friends and your husband.

Early onset dementia or a brain tumour could cause sudden changes in behaviour/personality also. How long has this been going on? Has she always been a bit of a grumpy cow or is this a total shift?

Yes I have to say I agree with this

Is she in a happy relationship - or could it be abusive?

I wondered if she’s repeating how she’s being treated at home?

TBH your friendship with her sounds doomed!

I had this with a friend of mine.... I asked her and another friend for a cuppa and cake. She says ... you obviously didn't make the cake did you? I say in a pleasant voice... well, yes I did actually, here's the cake tin drying by the sink! She says 'I don't need to see that thank you. You probably just put it there'
Stony silence.
FFS!!! If she was having a laugh, I wouldn't mind, but she was serious.
It was like this all the time. It was relentless. Snappy with me. Irritated with me. Sharp with me.

We'd been friends literally decades. We aren't now, we see each other occasionally through mutual friends, but our friendship is shot to pieces after it got worse and worse.

I think that might happen to you and your friend OP....
Ask her by all means. I did. Wish I hadn't

He would have the same traits. Very argumentative.

Another friend suggested that perhaps this is all built up from not being able to snap at home and then just takes it out on others closest.

I wonder if something very stressful is going on in her life? I’m not a snappy person generally but I can be snappy if I’m under a lot of stress. I think you should ask if she’s ok and then take it from there.

Sounds like you need to weigh up whether it’s worth having a heart to heart with her or just try to quietly distance yourself. It does sound to me like her relationship might be bad and it’s impacting how she deals with things.

I had a friend who changed a lot after getting into a bad relationship, personality change, left her job/stability, illegal stuff.. I tried the heart to heart option and she ghosted so hard she left the country with him! I wouldn’t change my decision but also wouldn’t judge you for choosing to just distance yourself. It’s her bed, let her lie in it. Friendships should add to your life and sounds like she’s dragging the whole group down.

I agree could turn nasty and others won’t want to get involved and will find it awkward
maybe say that’s a bit rude, are you ok?
and if if there is anything bothering her ?
if she gets defensive just say that you feel like your annoying her and just wanted to check everything is ok and hopefully she might think about it …
also distance for now and see how it pans out

if it’s a recent thing and towards everyone either others will tire of her too, or she’ll get over whatever her problem is /or maybe it’ll all come clear

One of my friends went through a phase where she was a real pain to be around. She started HRT and was much better. Another co worker whose father was murdered. She was almost unbearable after for about 6 months (no judgement, just a fact) . Years later she told me how well she thought she handled it. I validated her but also told her that she had been really hard to be around but we all understood what a horrible time she was having. She was amazed - she had no insight into the fact she had been snappy and argumentative.

A while back my sister became a grumpy bitch for over a year due to menopause, I thought she hated me! The gels/patches have changed her back to the lovely person she always was!

I agree that a snap-back would help.

She needs to know you're not going to put up with it.

Maybe the Mumsnet classic of 'Did you mean to be so rude?' might help.

Possible causes include an early peri, serious illness like cancer that has yet to show symptoms so the person just feels "off" without knowing why, or she is learning this style of talking from her DP.

If you think the relationship is doomed anyway, you could sit her down and ask her if she's ok and explain that you are concerned she may be unwell as her behaviour has been so out of character and then give her a list of examples of her behaviour such as the ones you have given here. Tell her that it makes her difficult to be around as you are constantly having to mind what you say and yet are still getting snapped at. Tell her you are no longer enjoying her company as the relationship has become hard work. She'll probably storm out as no-one wants to hear a truth like that but over time she may reflect and go to the doctor or examine her relationship with her DP.

Another good suggestion was the one from GreyCarpet · Today 15:53, to step back and not engage so much.

This.

I feel for you. A close friend became super critical about me 2 years ago and I’ve had to step back but I really miss the close friendship we had. I don’t like the person she has become but have many happy memories

It sounds like you’re really struggling with this situation, and I completely understand why. Your friend’s behaviour seems to have changed significantly, and that can be really tough, especially after being close for so long.

I think it might help to ask yourself a few key questions:

1. Do you still enjoy spending time with her when she’s not being snappy? If she weren’t acting this way, would you still consider her a good friend, or have other aspects of the friendship become challenging as well?

2. Is this behaviour a recent development, or have there been other times in the past when she’s acted similarly? If it’s new, there might be something going on in her life that’s causing this change. If it’s not, perhaps it’s part of a longer pattern that’s just now becoming too much to handle.

3. How important is this friendship to you? If you value it deeply, it might be worth having a gentle conversation with her. You could ask if everything is okay because you’ve noticed she seems a bit more on edge lately. Sometimes just opening up that dialogue can make a big difference.

4.Are you willing to set boundaries or take a step back if things don’t improve? It’s perfectly okay to protect your own well-being, even if that means seeing less of her or focusing on other friendships that bring you more joy.

Remember, it’s okay to ask yourself these questions and take some time to reflect on what’s best for you. Friendships evolve, and it’s important to consider whether this one is still adding positively to your life.

Perhaps she is unconsciously prodding you to ask how she is? Do you have 1-2-1 chats or is it always with friends and partners? Might be worth asking her how she is and then saying ‘ah that makes sense I thought you were cross with me…’

or you might have had enough of each other.

You are describing one of my old friendships which the end result was an after a particular incident that I couldn’t ignore I ended the friendship because I realised (after discussion with a mutual friend who I trusted told me the behaviour was out of order) that I was allowing myself to be treated terribly.

honestly looking back it was actually low level bullying but because I loved and cared for her I made excuses and allowances and let it go on far too long.

i lost another friend who dropped me for her but actually looking back now I don’t miss either of them. My life is so much easier and and I feel lighter and free without all the nerves and anxiety she was creating in me!

i miss her but actually it’s more the the idea of her because our friendship wasn’t what I thought it was and tried to ignore I think and I genuinely wish her well but I’m so glad I don’t have to delete with it anymore.

over the years I’ve been proven right as a lot of mutual friends have gone low contact or fallen out with her (not the one that dropped me I don’t think) so I don’t actually hear that much about her now!

My point is life is already too hard and too short for this shit!

if i knew she had been someone I’d been able to talk to and salvage something I would have but I knew she would never take any responsibility for her part in things so I had to not have her in my life. Even if that meant losing others.

you need to decide what you are willing to put up with because like I said life is too bloody short!

My thought was peri too which can happen surprisingly early. If not it sounds like she's had a massive change of behaviour/ character. I couldn't give up on such a long friendship without having a discussion. Times I turned into a total idiot like that was complex bereavement and during fertility treatment I avoided telling everyone about which left me super stressed. Just examples that I imagine probably don't apply to your friend but big life stressors can really affect your mood and behaviour

I had a long time close friend of 23 years, the last few year's of our friendship her whole personality took a change for the worst.
We where both in our late 30's and everytime I seen her she was rude! I ended the friendship as I couldn't take it anymore. I found out after we fell out that she was drinking two bottles of wine most nights and doing alot of cocaine at the weekends it totally changed her personality.
I wish I had of asked at the time what was going on with her, she needed help I still miss my old friend but not the rude one it's been 10years since and alot has happened that we could of been there for each other.

I'd have to challenge her too and tell her in no uncertain terms that I wouldn't put up with that behaviour so she could either sort it out or you are done with the friendship.

Since she is a good friend I would ask her how she is doing. That you have noticed how she's become snappy/aggressive and that you're worried about her. Either she will break down and tell you what's going on or she will snap at you again. If she does snap at you you can back away from the relationship with a clear conscience; you have tried but it didn't work.