WWYD

[FluentRubyDog]

Allow me to preface this with the statement that I am fully aware of the debates surrounding private schools on here and in general. Please do not turn this into yet another debate about it. It is not what I'm asking here.

DD was born at 24 weeks gestation. She's reaching her developmental milestones well, but there are several physical issues plaguing her, and a possible genetic one that is being investigated. There will be LOTS of medical appointments in the future.

I know I'm being PFB about her. She's my miracle IVF baby after numerous losses even before NICU. I'm a self-confessed and unapologetic helicopter parent.

There is a question of her education. The schools around us aren't great, low attainment, behaviour issues and they are notorious for attendance despotism. Nearby there is one of the best, single sex, private schools in the region.

Our finances were good in terms of private school before the VAT. We will still be able to cover it now, although it will be a bit tighter. This includes taking annual increase in fees, uniform, extras and trips into account. She will remain an only child, another one isn't an option for us without risking my life.

My gut feeling is this environment would be better for her, more supportive and tolerant of her physical needs. DH thinks this would take her out of her local friendship groups, and is generally much more opposed to private schools than me, but significantly coming around to the idea after all the medical issues. For full disclosure, I went to a private sixth form on full scholarship after grammar school, so my experience of comprehensives is second hand at best.

We will have to make our minds up fairly soon, as to get in even at nursery stage, we will have to register our interest within the next term (2027 intake).

So what would you do? Is there anything I failed to consider here?

Nearby there is one of the best, single sex private schools in the region.

Is it selective? If so what happens if she doesn't meet the grade so to speak in future?

What's your AIBU?

It's not technically selective, although they will "suggest" the school isn't a girl's best option if the girl isn't likely to attain good grades. I'm not sure what I'd do then, but I figured even giving her best education up to that point would help.

We will have to make our minds up fairly soon, as to get in even at nursery stage, we will have to register our interest within the next term (2027 intake).

Registering your interest is just that, though, isn't it? It's not a full-on enrollment and coughing up fees at this point. It also won't be your only chance- there will be natural points throughout her school career where you might change school.

It's an WWYD, not an AIBU.

True, but the nursery is just around the corner from my workplace, which would be good.

It depends on whether the school is selective and she would get in and also what your State provision is like.
We did State for Primary and then Private for Secondary (non selective) and it was the right decision for us
I would also say that with a Helicopter parent and a Private school from 3 she may be a bit unprepared for life after school. I saw this with some of DDs peers who had been at the Prep, so same school from 3-16 and then a bit of a nasty culture shock.

@Hoppinggreen I see your point. My gut instinct is screaming at me to protect her, but it may not be in her best interest in the long run.

Also, our state provision is abysmal. One of the nearest secondaries is known as prison prep, although, thankfully, there are other options around. We are just on the fringe of catchment for only decent one and that is likely to change too, as there is a massive estate coming up in that direction.

In my experience, they are not likely to be more tolerant. Additionally, if she needs an EP assessment, speech therapy, physio, OT, any specialist equipment you will be charged for it. Ex-prem babies obviously do go on to make good progress in the majority of cases but all those I've worked with over the years typically need at least some level of physical and learning support for varying levels of time. I suggest you also speak to your local primaries - meet with the SENDCo and see what their offer looks like too before committing either way.

Given it's selective I would steer clear. Imagine how shit she would feel at being told she's not good enough to stay, especially if the reason for that is because she has missed a lot of school for appointments/medical issues. I would instead re-evaluate the idea at secondary age when you've got a better idea of her academic abilities.

OK, fair point.

I wouldn't worry too much about having friends locally. Presumably she could do local activities like Brownies or similar. My DD goes to the catchment school but non of her friends are that close by. We have to drive her about loads.

I think from your descriptions of the local schools the private school sounds like the better option.

Problem is, SEND provision is extremely thin on the ground here. Even with EHCP you cannot be guaranteed that your child's needs will be met.

Could you please share more regarding your experience with prem babies? I'd be extremely grateful if you'd PM me a few tips.

I would move to an area with better state schools if you are certain the local ones to you are problematic.

However I wouldn't believe everything your hear about local schools. The vast majority are perfectly ok. I bet they are fine!

I think private school is a waste of money for primary. State primaries are generally very good. Don't they do a secondary intake too? (disclaimer: I'm not a fan of private education. I do get that people do what they feel is best for their kid though).

As for being an unapologetic helicopter parent, don't be. Giving your child no independence or agency is not good parenting. I know she's little though.

I mean this with far more kindness than it’s going to seem, but if you’re a helicopter parent, and the local schools have some behavioural issues, are you going to be able to stop yourself from interfering in her friendship groups anyway? Will it be different schools that take her out of her local friendship groups? Or you?

I'm nervous about her being behind at secondary level if she does state primary. I was top of my class at grammar, but had A LOT of catching up to do at my private 6th form in comparison with the "home grown" pupils.

If you’re saving money on fees, could you put that towards extra tutoring?

Wouldn't it be cheaper and better in the long run to move to an area with good state schools that have SEN provision?

In what way is the private school the 'best in the region'? Results? What is their SEN provision and pastoral care like? How does it compare to local primaries. If your local secondaries are poor and your child isn't even at primary yet you have years to move to a better area.

I won't be interfering with friendship groups, you have my word on it. I will, however, probably be a nightmare if I spot any safeguarding issues with the school itself. I do recognise that.

I'd be a nightmare to get her on all of the waiting lists for her health needs, though.

I absolutely don't think safeguarding is going to be better at private schools.

Yes, but you have posted it in the AIBU topic.

Their results are fantastic and everything I heard about them from existing parents praises pastoral care to high heavens. The latter part is what's drawing me to it.

I do see, from other posters, that I will have to ask more questions about sen support. I'm grateful for this tipoff, though.