WWYD

[FluentRubyDog]

Allow me to preface this with the statement that I am fully aware of the debates surrounding private schools on here and in general. Please do not turn this into yet another debate about it. It is not what I'm asking here.

DD was born at 24 weeks gestation. She's reaching her developmental milestones well, but there are several physical issues plaguing her, and a possible genetic one that is being investigated. There will be LOTS of medical appointments in the future.

I know I'm being PFB about her. She's my miracle IVF baby after numerous losses even before NICU. I'm a self-confessed and unapologetic helicopter parent.

There is a question of her education. The schools around us aren't great, low attainment, behaviour issues and they are notorious for attendance despotism. Nearby there is one of the best, single sex, private schools in the region.

Our finances were good in terms of private school before the VAT. We will still be able to cover it now, although it will be a bit tighter. This includes taking annual increase in fees, uniform, extras and trips into account. She will remain an only child, another one isn't an option for us without risking my life.

My gut feeling is this environment would be better for her, more supportive and tolerant of her physical needs. DH thinks this would take her out of her local friendship groups, and is generally much more opposed to private schools than me, but significantly coming around to the idea after all the medical issues. For full disclosure, I went to a private sixth form on full scholarship after grammar school, so my experience of comprehensives is second hand at best.

We will have to make our minds up fairly soon, as to get in even at nursery stage, we will have to register our interest within the next term (2027 intake).

So what would you do? Is there anything I failed to consider here?

My friend moved her DC with SEN to private because she felt he would be better supported. In reality she had to pay extra for all the support he needed and after a while felt trapped because child was enrolled in school cubs pack, etc. so leaving would have forfeit all of his activities and friendships. Just make sure how much support there will be for your DD before you decide.

I would stick with state. try to find out which is the most SEN-supportive school in the area and target that.

My kids went to a pretty chilled non-selective private primary but 3 other kids with dyslexia / ADHD / other SEN where gently 'managed out' over the 5 years they were there because the school couldn't provide the extra support that these kids needed. One moved to a specialist dyslexia school, another to forest school and another to state and as far as I know, all thrived with the right support.

I think you need to talk to the school first to see if what they are prepared to offer meets your expectations. And also talk to some of the local primary school. Is moving house an option for you to move to a better catchment area? Ask the local education authority if there are schools that are better equipped to deal with your DD than the private school. You just need to check out all your options before making a decision

Private schools have zero obligation to retain children with additional needs, and 9/10 times they absolutely wont and don’t. They generally have much poorer infrastructure (and desire) to build that support for your child and you’ll probably find, especially at a selective, that she’ll be “a better fit” elsewhere… aka anywhere but staying at their school. Kids with additional needs don’t tend to stick it out long in the private system unfortunately. At this point it really matters not about the academic levels of the school and what their results are and simply whether or not they’d be willing and able to properly support your daughter. You’ll probably find quite a vast disparity between the kids that got them those results and the kids they’ve managed out along the way to keep those levels high.

But you’ve said they were removed? And that’s an extreme case- I’ve got 2 kids who have had to have significant absence for medical reasons (think 2/3 appointments a month and also 2/3 week absences for surgery), been through 3 state schools so far and they have never batted an eyelid. In fact they couldn’t have been more accommodating- one teacher hand knitted a present for one DC and they regularly provide work at home/ other support. At the very least you should be checking in with the particular state schools you might consider to see what their attitude is before writing off the whole state sector on the basis of a single case.

@FluentRubyDog

id attack it like eating an elephant - one bite at a time!

Pick the nursery that suits you best, if it's the private school feeder & not hideously over priced, then do that. Then wait & see.

I'm glad through all your troubles you got your DD.

I answered you on the wrong thread somehow...whoops

Sorry but CBA to type it all out again, so here are the screenshot of what I meant to write in this thread.

Thank you everyone, that is a lot to think over and take on board.

So she's still tiny then? I'd register interest but keep speaking to support surrounding her for their thoughts about education locally. You may need specialist schooling. My DD15 showed no signs of autism until she was 9-10 years old, by 13 she was taught by provisions provided free to us from state school at home as she can't cope with school, not really even in tiny classes without severe overwhelming and spending hours ticking (Tourette's) and having to spend time decompressing. DS 12 has ADHD and copes better but it seems to be developing more he's getting older
Your child will be very different but local support will know of all types of schooling in the area and what would work for her - it is a big topic and quite hard to seek the right help but you'll get there - good luck!

If you have the finances for public school, would it also be achievable to move to an area with better state provision? At least then you'd have better options so you could make a more balanced decision.

I get the feeling that public schools are going to ratchet up their fees over the next 5 years and attribute it all to the VAT changes, because that's what private businesses do given the opportunity (obviously only the ones like yours that won't struggle with intake drops).

Wow, you got out of bed the wrong side today, didn't you?

The OP said it wasn't an AIBU to someone else, and I was wondering why she'd put the post in AIBU. Hardly rocket science.

It is AIBU after all...