WWYD

[FluentRubyDog]

Allow me to preface this with the statement that I am fully aware of the debates surrounding private schools on here and in general. Please do not turn this into yet another debate about it. It is not what I'm asking here.

DD was born at 24 weeks gestation. She's reaching her developmental milestones well, but there are several physical issues plaguing her, and a possible genetic one that is being investigated. There will be LOTS of medical appointments in the future.

I know I'm being PFB about her. She's my miracle IVF baby after numerous losses even before NICU. I'm a self-confessed and unapologetic helicopter parent.

There is a question of her education. The schools around us aren't great, low attainment, behaviour issues and they are notorious for attendance despotism. Nearby there is one of the best, single sex, private schools in the region.

Our finances were good in terms of private school before the VAT. We will still be able to cover it now, although it will be a bit tighter. This includes taking annual increase in fees, uniform, extras and trips into account. She will remain an only child, another one isn't an option for us without risking my life.

My gut feeling is this environment would be better for her, more supportive and tolerant of her physical needs. DH thinks this would take her out of her local friendship groups, and is generally much more opposed to private schools than me, but significantly coming around to the idea after all the medical issues. For full disclosure, I went to a private sixth form on full scholarship after grammar school, so my experience of comprehensives is second hand at best.

We will have to make our minds up fairly soon, as to get in even at nursery stage, we will have to register our interest within the next term (2027 intake).

So what would you do? Is there anything I failed to consider here?

Will the private school be able and willing to accommodate any extra physical needs she has / may have.
My nearest private school wouldn't be able to have a child in a wheelchair etc as it's an old house, prob a listed building and there is a grand staircase and the older children are upstairs in class rooms, there is no lift.

Because I wanted a good pool of responses within a reasonable time span.

Now, have you got a contribution to this thread to add or would you like me to send you a nit comb?

Another question for my list to the school, thank you!

My 2 were fine at Private Secondary after State Primary. One was very academic anyway but the other one was fine too. Having said that our Private school isn't selective.
They were both much more emotionally mature and street wise than a lot of their peers who had been at the school since age 3 as well

People tend to praise things that they’re paying a lot of money for. My kids went to private secondary schools, I’m not against them, but I am realistic about their weaknesses.

In my experience of visiting and supporting children with additional needs in all sorts of schools, including some with the best academic results in the country, good state schools are head and shoulders above good private schools when it comes to meeting need, even without EHCPs. You won’t be meeting the parents of those children who were failed by the private school.

OK, that's a serious point taken. Thank you.

I think my concerns would be;

• How much will you be able to monitor what goes on in a private school? It strikes me that they don’t particularly welcome the input of parents?
• if she needs extra support, will you be able to afford it on top of the fees?
• If she starts at a private school, she’s not going to make any friends locally and as she gets older, she might have a novelty factor, but she might also get written off as a snob because of her school. Are you prepared for one very lonely and bored child during the school holidays?

In your position, I’d look at moving to the catchment area of a better state school and using any extra money on tutoring and additional support if she needs it.

No idea why I’ve quoted you, sorry!

I don't think sen provision is all about the money. It also comes down to individual teachers/TA's and how understanding they are of your child's needs. I'd opt for a caring state school and spend the money on something like private physiotherapy or speech therapy if your child needs those services.

It is usually much, much worse (I could write a very interesting book about some of the safeguarding I have investigated in independent schools)

you mention a EHCP - does she have one / will she have one
who will be paying for any extras on that EHCP ?

are you thinking she will have a 1;1 ?
who would be paying for that - does the local authority give money to a private school to pay for any extra/additional needs.

There were no TA's in my daughter's Primary School, nor in her Secondary School and she went private all her life, starting in the nursery at the age of 2.

I take your points on board, however, moving would be near impossible. She has a vast MDT involved and I'd have to move mountains to get it reestablished in a different trust, not to mention the dangerous vital parts of information being lost in transfer.

Are you going to request an EHCNA before nursery/ pre prep age?

I think it’s worth considering whether you’re able to move area to somewhere that caters well at primary level for children with additional needs. When you see how she copes, you can think about secondary options, particularly if there is an EHCP by then.

I have nothing to add to this thread, but this is one of the best responses I've seen on mumsnet.

Best of luck to your DD.

EHCNA has already been suggested by her community paediatrician, we will be requesting it next year.

I’d do your research well before assuming the private school you have in mind will be better able to meet her needs. Not all private schools are good at this in my view, they need the children to achieve high grades for their statistics and marketing and I’ve not always seen a keenness to help those not naturally able.

my friend actually moved her daughter who has dyslexia as she was not getting supported. I put my 2 girls through private education spanning 18 years due to their age gap and honestly do not recall even one child with obvious disabilities. I also don’t think they handled mental health issues particular well in one of the private schools.

you will of course generally have better all round facilities and smaller class sizes.

I see. Are there any clues to look for during visits as to this?

I’d find a real (as apposed to just in name) Montessori nursery as the curriculum was designed originally for children with Sen. My experience is that Sen provision is vastly superior in state schools particularly at primary but private is prettier. Only your family can choose what’s important to you. Do not underestimate the harm that can be done to all of you by being made to feel you are lucky to be at such a great school, rather than this school is great because we are so lucky to have great kids like yours here. Teach her to take up space in the world because she has just as much right to be here as anyone.

Not read every response but my concerns would be-

• being less good than peers because of developmental issues;
• private school strongly suggesting that they are not the place for her if she falls behind, or if she needs an EHCP- is agree a good state is usually much better for additional needs;
• if she’s going to be an only child, is a selective girls really going to equip her for “life”? Will she know how to deal with men in the workplace, relationships and even people from other classes if this is the sum total of her education?
• Is there a better private school if you decide to go down that route- like mixed sex and not selective- I’d certainly favour this?
• What if she naturally gets on with boys- more than 50% of my daughter’s friends are boys;
• Will she quickly get an unrealistic expectation of wealth/ privilege and how will this affect her, especially is she’s on the poorer end of the spectrum (which sounds like it might be the case).
• Will you be able to afford all the things you want to do as a family and/ or if fees continue to rise?

By the way if by “attendance despotism” you’re worried about being pulled up for medical appointments in a state school this simply doesn’t happen. 2 week holidays in the Caribbean, yes but if she’s attending medical stuff they won’t bat an eyelid (they can’t- it’s classed as an authorised absence).

Personally I’d move to an area with better state schools and plough some money into extra curricular if necessary- then re-assess when she’s a bit older. Quite a few people I know make the decision when the child is around 7/8 by that point you’ve got a much better idea of the child’s interests and abilities.

@Heronwatcher

"By the way if by “attendance despotism” you’re worried about being pulled up for medical appointments in a state school this simply doesn’t happen. 2 week holidays in the Caribbean, yes but if she’s attending medical stuff they won’t bat an eyelid (they can’t- it’s classed as an authorised absence)."

Unfortunately this is the case here. One headteacher was actually removed for driving on attendance at the expense of medical appointments. The case was in the local newspapers. The other schools aren't as draconian, but they will do anything to tick the attendance box for OFSTED. Even the MP got involved.

Who cares, why are you being awkward?

I would see how she gets on at a state primary and then look to move her into private for secondary. You can then save the money for private secondary education more slowly and ahead of time to stop things feeling tight and to prevent any resentment in your marriage.

I would start in state. They aren't going to 'suggest she would be better elsewhere' if she struggles. Push for EHCNA as soon as you can.

If possible I would defer by a year, though it will depend what month she was born in.

My DD was 6wks prem, she would have been better emotionally and academically and physically in the year below, but was autumn born.

By the endbof infants you will gave a much better idea of how she is getting on.

You probably already know that the likelihood of learning difficulties are greatly increased by her prematurity. For example maths learning difficulties are related to prematurity, as are attention difficulties and autism. I would advise considering where would be the best accepting and nurturing environment for your daughter.

My third dc was similar aged 4. His big siblings were thriving at state primary but I could see he’d massively struggle.
So we shipped them all to a prep with tiny classes. It was the right thing to do. However I ensured he stayed in the sen system, regular testing until he got the all clear. I didn’t want to be turning up with a child who hadn’t been ‘investigated’ if he’d been ‘asked to leave’ a few years in.

I would agree with this.

Along with attitudes towards SEN and inclusion.

My gut feeling is this environment would be better for her, more supportive and tolerant of her physical needs.

This will not necessarily be the case.

Don't assume a private school will be able or even willing to meet her additional needs. Their bottom line is running a successful business and they need good grades to achieve this.

There is not the same scrutiny or accountability in private schools.

State schools will try to meet her needs as beat they can because they have to. A private school doesn't. They should but that's no guarantee they will. And there is no one to answer to if they don't.

The best way to find out is to ask them. Ask them what provision is in place to support children with additional needs; ask them how they ensure their needs are appropriately met; who are they ultimately accountable to for this; are there any children with disabilities at the school currently; how is it monitored.

In a nutshell, private schools are as good as they are because they aren't required to provide this extra provision because they can refuse to accept more 'difficult' children. Not because they do it better than state schools.