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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU for not getting over this

51 replies

Anon3837 · 08/08/2024 23:15

So to cut a long story short, someone who I got close to and was a great emotional support to me, someone who I had feelings for which I believe were reciprocated (although we never admitted or did anything about it, other than a few lingering, tight hugs and lots of prolonged eye contact - we def cared for each other)…he ghosted me. He knew how much I needed him and he knew I was there for him too, it just wasn’t the right time for anything to happen. He moved away and ghosted me.

I know he has a whole new life with another person and is seemingly happy. I however, am struggling massively. I’m concerned for my mental and emotional health as it’s been months now and I just can’t get back to being myself. I think about him all the time and play back memories in my head. I feel so sad and annoyed at myself for being so pathetic. I’m seriously annoyed at how much I think about him and how low I feel. I feel like I’ve lost that someone who cared and supported me and understood me with just even looks, no words necessary. Then I think, did I read too much into it and rely too heavily on them for my mental health - I was so much happier when they were around and saw them most days.

I feel stupid, lost and so angry at myself. I need to get over this and I miss that support during difficult times in my life. I can’t get over it. It is getting on for almost a year.

How do I stop thinking about this person and move on?

OP posts:
Autel · 08/08/2024 23:18

So you had romantic//sexual feelings for him that you didn’t articulate? When you say he ‘knew how much you needed him’, what exactly do you mean? What were the circumstances of him stopping contact?

Aquamarine1029 · 08/08/2024 23:23

I can’t get over it.

Yes, you really can, you just have to let go of the fantasy you've created in your head. He was a part of your life for a season and that season has ended. You can appreciate the support he gave you then while still acknowledging that the relationship you had with him was not as deep as you once thought. You romaticised this relationship, and that's not unusual or stupid, it's human. With newfound insight you can move forward, and you really must. No relationship, no matter how perfect or imperfect, lasts forever.

SunflowersMidwinter · 08/08/2024 23:25

Your question is how to mentally overcome this.

  1. Make sure you don't see any of his social media
  2. Throw yourself into your own life
  3. Time. It takes time. If you felt very strongly for him then don't be suprised if you pass the year mark before your mind settles
  4. Harder said than done, but don't allow yourself to think of it.
Original poster
Anon3837 · 08/08/2024 23:35

I feel like a massive idiot and so low

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon3837 · 08/08/2024 23:36

Even though nothing may have happened, I miss him as a supportive friend, so, so much.

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Original poster
Anon3837 · 08/08/2024 23:36

I feel so alone

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5128gap · 08/08/2024 23:41

I think you've asked yourself the right question, and the answer is yes. Yes you read too much into it and yes this situation became too important for your MH. Thinking about him and allowing yourself to elevate the interactions into something meaningful was a comfort blanket and diversion from your inner struggles. Now that's gone you need to find a new and healthier way to manage your MH. Are you getting any help?

EatTheGnome · 08/08/2024 23:41

You do have to actively try to get over it.

Maybe it was real and wrong time or maybe he just enjoyed the fun of getting close. You'll never know and you need to find a way to be OK with it.

Original poster
Anon3837 · 08/08/2024 23:49

I swing between thinking I thought too much of it and I’m and idiot to actually feeling like I know it was real and wrong time. Even so, it’s just the missing him being around really…and hurtful ghosting when he seemed to say keep in touch.

Im ok, I cope and have a child. I am already on antidepressants.

I just hurt and feel so low

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Aquamarine1029 · 08/08/2024 23:53

Your are attaching your self-worth to this man. This should never be the case, even if you're in the best relationship possible.

And I'm sorry to be harsh, but if your relationship with this man was real, and he genuinely reciprocated your feelings, he never would have ghosted you like this. He would have valued you too much to treat you this way, even if you couldn't be together for whatever reason.

ampletime · 08/08/2024 23:53

Are you sure he has ghosted you or is he on holiday?
Anyway, move on, focus on your child, do things for your community, get out and about in the sunshine. You will meet someone else

Original poster
Anon3837 · 09/08/2024 00:16

The thing is, I know all this really, yet I am still struggling, which is worrying me. I just can’t move on and forget. I try and convince myself that I’m ok and that I deserve more and to move on, then I come crashing back down.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon3837 · 09/08/2024 00:17

I don’t feel strong, I feel so weak

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SailingRoundtheWorld · 09/08/2024 00:22

Was he already with his current partner when you were friendly with him? Is it possible he felt his friendship with you wasn't compatible with his relationship with her?

anxioussister · 09/08/2024 00:26

Our Brains can work against us in situations like this - but we can change that. Every time you obsess over him / think about him you’re following a well trodden neural path in your brain to those feelings of loss / abandonment / pain. Even if those feelings aren’t ’real’ or at least ‘fresh’ any more we still feel them when we allow our brains to follow that route - and the big / bad feelings can even amplify.

BUT

  1. If this relationship - friendship or otherwise - had been truly reciprocated then it would have happened during the time you have spent together. His ghosting is either because he’s met someone else or because he’s crap at staying in touch and you weren’t important enough to make the effort.

  2. unconsummated or ‘nearly’ relationships are sometimes the hardest to get past because we only ever deal with the butterflies and the imagined positives - never dividing up household tasks or arguing about who’s thrn it is to cook.

  3. you can rewire your brain away from those feelings. Every time you think about him you need to remember it’s just electrical signals in your brain following a familiar route - that big feeling doesn’t need to be real. Choose something else positive to think about instead - make a gratitude list on your phone and make yourself write down something good about your current life every time you catch yourself thinking about him.

You have got this. You are so much more than this non-breakup. Don’t let it define you more than it already has

CountessWindyBottom · 09/08/2024 00:38

You talk about 'emotional support', 'needing him', 'I feel like I’ve lost that someone who cared and supported me and understood me', he knew how much I needed him' , 'did I read too much into it and rely too heavily on them for my mental health' and 'I miss that support during difficult times in my life'. All of the aforementioned are in your OP @Anon3837.

If you read this back you will see that this is not a healthy dynamic for a friendship let alone any type of relationship.

It sounds to me like you were heavily reliant on him for your psychological wellbeing and the lines obviously got crossed for you. It sounds to me like he (unkindly) ghosted you because the level of dependency on him became too much.

I'd urge you to seek therapy. I'm sorry you're obviously struggling right now but I don't think it's fair to rely on a friend to that extent.

Original poster
Anon3837 · 09/08/2024 00:41

Thank you @anxioussister and everyone.

He did meet someone else, but also seemed to care for me, even if just as a friend. We were going to keep in touch, he knew I had feelings and did care for me - he ghosted me. I just need to try and accept.

yep, I’ve read up about neural pathways. I don’t feel there are a lot of good or positives in my life at the moment to focus on unfortunately. Just a whole heap of worries and anxiety. I know I should be grateful for what I have.

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Original poster
Anon3837 · 09/08/2024 00:45

I am in a relationship - I am not particularly happy (he knew that). I feel so guilty for as partner is lovely.

Apologies for the drip feed!

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Original poster
Anon3837 · 09/08/2024 00:47

@CountessWindyBottom that sounds worse than it was. It wasn’t all about that. I was also there for him too. It’s complicated to explain the situation we were in without being too outing, but it was natural we were going to be that way with one another.

I do totally appreciate what your saying though.

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LameBorzoi · 09/08/2024 00:54

Were you in your current relationship when he moved away?

If you were, he's done the right thing. No matter how unhappy you are in your current relationship, you need to wrap that up before you romanticise someone else. And if you are in an unhappy relationship, it can very much be a case of the grass-is-greener.

CheekyHobson · 09/08/2024 00:57

The answer is to get the therapy you need.

Sarahzb · 09/08/2024 00:57

The important thing is - you can't make someone love you, even if you are lovely
i had to tell someone this when he started doing weirdy things
He didn't respond at all but stopped the thinking and then went on to meet his wife

Original poster
Anon3837 · 09/08/2024 00:59

@CheekyHobson why do you think I need therapy?

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Original poster
Anon3837 · 09/08/2024 01:01

@LameBorzoi I was and he knew we were going to separate - not that anything would necessarily happen. The separation was delayed due to some serious health issues to deal with. He was with someone too.

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Fortyshadesofgreen345 · 09/08/2024 01:10

Sorry you are suffering op but surely if you were in a relationship he did the decent thing by ghosting you before it went too far? Carrying on as a friend would have been too painful and disrespectful to your relationship with your dp.

As to how to forget him: it’s a very boring answer but you have to give it time. Throw yourself in to other activities. Maybe get some mh support or a talking therapy where you talk about him or confine yourself to thinking about him and “wallowing” for 30 minutes every night at a certain time and at no other time during the day. After a while, your need to think about him will diminish.

Finally op, it’s a cliche but love by itself isn’t enough. Timing and circumstances and the mh of both parties have to be in the right place too for a relationship to really thrive.