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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU for not getting over this

51 replies

Anon3837 · 08/08/2024 23:15

So to cut a long story short, someone who I got close to and was a great emotional support to me, someone who I had feelings for which I believe were reciprocated (although we never admitted or did anything about it, other than a few lingering, tight hugs and lots of prolonged eye contact - we def cared for each other)…he ghosted me. He knew how much I needed him and he knew I was there for him too, it just wasn’t the right time for anything to happen. He moved away and ghosted me.

I know he has a whole new life with another person and is seemingly happy. I however, am struggling massively. I’m concerned for my mental and emotional health as it’s been months now and I just can’t get back to being myself. I think about him all the time and play back memories in my head. I feel so sad and annoyed at myself for being so pathetic. I’m seriously annoyed at how much I think about him and how low I feel. I feel like I’ve lost that someone who cared and supported me and understood me with just even looks, no words necessary. Then I think, did I read too much into it and rely too heavily on them for my mental health - I was so much happier when they were around and saw them most days.

I feel stupid, lost and so angry at myself. I need to get over this and I miss that support during difficult times in my life. I can’t get over it. It is getting on for almost a year.

How do I stop thinking about this person and move on?

OP posts:

violetto · 09/08/2024 01:16

So you were already in a relationship with someone else when you became infatuated with this guy?! They puts a completely different, and frankly negative, perspective on your behaviour.

Were you looking to cheat?!

CheekyHobson · 09/08/2024 01:17

You need therapy because you’re cheating on your partner and have worked up what sounds like a largely one-sided emotional affair into an emotional dependency and obsession in your head.

Original poster

Anon3837 · 09/08/2024 01:34

@violetto no, I wasn’t looking to cheat.

My partner and I stayed together for our child. I am not fully happy in the relationship, but wouldn’t cheat.

OP posts:

violetto · 09/08/2024 01:48

So why are you obsessed with a man who isn't your partner?!

Own your behaviour, before you judge his.

Original poster

Anon3837 · 09/08/2024 02:31

I know, you’re right. I had feelings, would never cheat. I’m not judging his behaviour.

OP posts:

Turophilic · 09/08/2024 02:39

You are already cheating by having an emotional affair - one that was clearly not reciprocated in the end as he moved away and ghosted you.

That was quite the drip feed, OP - that you were and are both in relationships!

Pistachiochiochio · 09/08/2024 02:58

Humans find it really difficult to focus on not thinking about something. If I say "don't think about a polar bear" you think of a polar bear.

The best thing you can do is 1) look up limerence, NLP and refraining. Maybe get talking therapy.
2) fall in love with your own life. Become radically obsessed with your own life, own goals and dreams, projects, hobbies, bucket list.

BeNavyCrab · 09/08/2024 03:10

I think some of the other posters are being a bit unfair and judgemental. Yes you had feelings but you never did anything other than talk and get support from this other person. There wasn't any cheating or intentional to do so. However it would be much better if you could find the support that you need from your current partner.

The reason for your friend may have ghosted you might be nothing to do with you or how much they valued what you shared. It might be that they have had to withdraw because their new partner doesn't feel comfortable with them having such a close bond with you. She may have asked him to cut ties with you and he's done it for the sake of his relationship.

Not being happy in your current relationship and not being supported by them is something you really need to consider. I understand that you want to be together for your child but from what you are saying and describing, you are under an enormous amount of mental anguish and stress. This isn't good for the family unit and will impact on your child. It would be best to either try to make your relationship better with your current partner or decide that you would be happier alone.

Please don't see the suggestion of therapy as a negative one. Even people who don't have any issues in their lives can benefit from it. Just being able to talk about your life and reflect on what is important to you, is valuable. It can also help you learn to communicate in a way that your partner hears and you can find out why they are behaving the way they are. You will hopefully be able to get to a place where you don't need another person to support your mental health and then you will be in a stronger position to decide if your current partner is the right one for you.

You've taken the first step in wondering if you invested too much into the friendship, where you mutually understood and supported each other. It really hurts when it seems like the relationship wasn't as important to them as it was for you. Remember you don't know what they are thinking or why they cut ties.

It's natural to be grieving for it's loss. I know it can make you feel somehow smaller and less than you were, which makes seeing the positives in your life difficult. It won't always feel like this, in time it will get a little easier but if you do feel like it's not, then it might be time to talk to your GP. You might be suffering from depression. Big hugs for the future.

emelina15 · 09/08/2024 03:17

I think that in some ways, the could-have-beens are hardest to get over. If you've been in a relationship with someone for years, you know you've given it your best shot, and you know it wasn't meant to be... but if it's broken off early (or never even started) you're always left wondering what could have happened, and how great it could've been. That's tough. Lack of closure with him ghosting you doesn't help either. It sounds like you already know he hasn't treated you very well, but sometimes it takes time for your heart to catch up with your head.

JMSA · 09/08/2024 04:26

You make him sound like a carer I'm thinking that maybe he found it all a bit much?
He shouldn't have just ghosted you though, that's cowardly and cruel. He should have explained why he was stepping back.
Sorry OP, and hope you can get over this soon.

JMSA · 09/08/2024 04:29

And I definitely agree that some form of counselling would help, as I suspect it's not the first time you've had relationship issues.

AquaFurball · 09/08/2024 04:33

Maybe he felt you were putting too much on him, especially if he was in a relationship and it was affecting it.

Saying keep in touch is a gentle way of asking for space.

LameBorzoi · 09/08/2024 05:00

Even if you were planning to separate, you weren't separated. Also, he was in a relationship. This makes him "forbidden fruit" and can really stoke the flames of limerance- really makes someone look a lot more appealing than they really are.

I don't think you do need closure. I think it really looks like he's realised there's an emotional affair brewing, and so has decided to cut contact. ITV was really the only decent thing for him to do.

Edingril · 09/08/2024 05:06

So you want him to cheat and he won't, yes you need to get over it

Improve your self respect first before thinking of anyone else

CheekyHobson · 09/08/2024 05:19

My partner and I stayed together for our child. I am not fully happy in the relationship, but wouldn’t cheat.

Is your partner aware that you're only staying together for your child and that you're planning to separate from him in the future?

Shoxfordian · 09/08/2024 05:19

He's stepped away from a married woman, he was probably too close in the first place- all these hugs and lingering looks, it's not OK. How would you feel if your husband was doing that with another woman and saying they're just friends? Sort out your own relationship rather than drip around after someone who's not interested

Userxyd · 09/08/2024 05:36

OP, why are you being so soft on him? You would never judge his behaviour, but you've condemned yourself as an idiot and telling yourself all this crap that you're a fool etc.
You're not an idiot, you're a perfectly normal trusting person who like millions sadly has been taken for a ride by a prick who enjoys playing with peoples emotions.
Nothing wrong with you, everything wrong with him. Get angry, blame him, he wasn't the man you thought he was. Then get over it and move on. Try again, with more awareness that some blokes are shits, until you meet a nice guy who treats you properly.

Catza · 09/08/2024 06:50

Anon3837 · 09/08/2024 00:59

@CheekyHobson why do you think I need therapy?

I actually also was thinking you need therapy for all the reasons you said. You are stuck, you ruminate, you are anxious and depressed, you lost the joy in life and you can't move on independently. Therapy is the answer here.
It literally took me 3 counselling sessions and a lot of independent work using learned strategies to move on from a similar situation. Best £200 I ever spent.

TammyJones · 09/08/2024 06:54

Could his new partner have asked him to stop contacting you ?
Regardless self care is very important now.
Get enough sleep- healthy food , protein, drink plenty of water, get out in the fresh air for walks in nature.
(Avoid junk food/ chocolate, caffeine, alcohol )
And do stuff that makes you feel good.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 09/08/2024 06:56

Anon3837 · 09/08/2024 00:59

@CheekyHobson why do you think I need therapy?

Because you post thread after thread after thread about your ridiculous crushes on blokes who are just not interested. You're obsessive and delusional and as advised on many many many threads, you need some help

AnotherNaCha · 09/08/2024 07:09

Anon3837 · 09/08/2024 00:59

@CheekyHobson why do you think I need therapy?

Most people benefit from therapy and it’s clear as day that this pain is about something deeper, you need support and a therapist can help.

In fact, sounds like he was functioning as your pseudo therapist anyway. You’re looking to these boards for answers but they are in you and you need therapy to access that.

You have a child who needs you to be present. That’s reason enough alone

BibbleandSqwauk · 09/08/2024 07:35

My answer ignoring the existing relationships: things end. You sound intense and needy and he backed off. Occupy yourself with your child, work etc and time will pass. Don't look at his social media or find out what's going on in his life. It's irrelevant.

My answer taking into account the existing relationships: you were both having an emotional affair. It's terribly exciting and exhilarating to think you're wanted. Very dramatic. From what you've written I imagine had he taken that next step and initiated a physical relationship you wouldn't have stopped him because "you're weak". The fact that he didn't likely means he values his relationship and pulled back, or she found out and told him to stop. Work out your issues with your husband or leave. Your child will not benefit from growing up in a household that is unhappy and at least one parent has a foot out the door. An affair partner is not the solution. A so called "exit affair" is still an affair and does not excuse the lying and betrayal that would come with it. Either work things out or leave. And leave the chap who ghosted you alone.

Doingmybest12 · 09/08/2024 08:14

You can train your brain to draw a line under this if you are invested in your own life and the future. Negative thoughts are strangely seductive but with practice you can move past this. He's cut contact , I presume because it wasn't a healthy dynamic and he's got what he needs in life. You need to work on the same. You may need help with this and you could talk to your gp about low mood, lack of enjoyment of life, sadness about the future. If he does make contact, I really don't think it would be a good idea to become involved with him again.

Original poster

Anon3837 · 09/08/2024 12:34

Thank you so much everyone, I really appreciate it.

@Idontjetwashthefucker just unkind remarks and any previous post has been over the same individual, not “my many crushes”.

of course I know I may need some therapy, but no need to be rude. These posts from me make it sound a lot more intense then it was. I have not been full on with him at all, if anything we always held back and were cautious about things. It hasn’t been easy to lose a friend. I know I wouldn’t like it if my partner had this type of relationship, I totally get that. We have had open conversations about our relationship and separating, we are very close and amicable.

OP posts:

Original poster

Anon3837 · 09/08/2024 17:41

@Idontjetwashthefucker are you mistaking me for another poster? I have not had various crushes lol!!

OP posts:

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