To ask if you’ve ever suddenly stopped talking to a friend?

[thoughtfulfriend]

I saw a post here recently from a poster whose friend had suddenly stopped talking to them, and it got me thinking. I want to ask from the other side… have you ever just stopped talking to a friend?

What were your reasons for doing so? Did you eventually reach out to them again, if so why? Or did they contact you? What happened after that? Did you continue the friendship or choose to move on?

For context, I haven’t ghosted a friend myself. I usually prefer to communicate openly and end things directly when needed. I’m just really curious to hear others’ experiences and understand what might lead someone to cut off contact suddenly, and whether or not they reconsidered it later.

Hope the OP doesn’t mind me using their post as inspiration!

I’ve ghosted a couple of friends, but usually I’d do a slow fade if I didn’t have the time or energy to maintain that friendship. In general I would ghost if they’re toxic, or constantly making horrible comments/digs. I really can’t stand people who make sly digs constantly and I’m happy to ghost after that.
When I’ve done a slow fade it’s usually when they are extremely needy. I’ve got a chronic illness and I don’t have the energy for that.

No, I haven’t stopped speaking to anyone suddenly, but I have deliberately pulled back from one friendship and let it “wither on the vine”.

The reason for doing so was we had grown apart, she’d become very bitter, negative and self-pitying for reasons I won’t go into. Initially I was supportive but a decade later, when every meet up is going over the same old ground, it’s draining and toxic. It was also very one sided - lots of late in the day cancellation and not paying me for things like tickets. I think it was noticeable that lots of her other friends seemed to drift at that time.

There was no point in having a chat, she wasn’t going to change so I just stopped suggesting stuff, and if she suggested anything I generally made excuses. Messages became further and further apart and then nothing.

Its a shame it had to end that way but I don’t regret it.

I have. Didn't think I ever would but after two years of feeling anxious about seeing her I'd just had enough. She would be fine for a while but would then take the piss out of me, take credit for stuff I'd done, she made nasty comments to mutual friends about my new house. She complained to a new (mutual) neighbour at their first meeting about a pub meal where I'd invited her but hadn't paid for her, nine years after the event! (The neighbour told me some time later when we became good friends.) I was fond of her (ex-friend) but she was severely testing me. Her DS and DIL had blocked her and she had no idea why.
She went working away for a few weeks and this gave me space to reflect on how she made me feel. When she came back she phoned up and I told her I wasn't prepared to discuss e.g. the 'mutual neighbour' because I had nothing to add, liked the neighbour and didn't like the gossipping. She agreed, said she understood, and then immediately said "What did 'neighbour' say about me after I saw her last time?" And that was the final straw. I told her she wasn't listening, I wished her well but didn't want to be in touch anymore, and put the phone down. I've seen her in the street a couple of times and ignored her.
I have since heard that she has died and did have huge guilt for a while about my action, because we were friends for a few years. But I'm over that now. She didn't behave like a friend, and eventually I saw sense.

Ghosted by a friend of over 20 years. It happened during lockdown and DP was very ill first with COVID and then Long COVID. It was very hurtful as she and I had been through a lot together and I just never understood why she blanked me.

I’ve never ghosted anyone as I think it’s cruel (have had this done to me before), however I have grey rocked a few people. One was a mum friend who talked about herself all the time, always had to do one better than everyone else and was basically a user. I still get the odd message from her now and again which I respond to but never commit to doing anything with her.

Not ghosted but faded. A friend I'd known forever, literally decades. She just seemed to be getting worse and worse. Everything I tried to arrange, or speak about, or ask a question about, or just general chit chat.... I spent the whole time thinking 'will this make her go funny'
'will she get arsey if I say this' (just normal conversation)
The treading on eggshells all the time was so wearing. I think she found my very existence irritating or something! I spent all my time trying to make sure she wouldn't get upset, pathetic I know. She'd known me forever and I hadn't changed.
It's such a relief to not be good friends now, I see her occasionally as we have mutual friends, and it's OK, but I would never go back.

I spent my life trying to be a good friend... total waste of time and not worth it.

I have stopped messaging a friend. long story below 🤣

She was a neighbour who I thought was normal / similar age professional job, young couple like we were . She would message every day asking if I was ok and said she didn’t have any friends and was needy. I had lots of friends and we can go ages without speaking and were still best of friends and very secure without speaking daily. She started behaving oddly to me - we had moved house (other side of the village) and she had talked lots about moving house as well like non stop. Then she was odd and put her house on the market and bought another house (in another villlage) without mentioning it. It was really odd as it’s all she spoke about and then when they decided to move and find a house she didn’t mention it, and we still saw each other . I saw her house on right move . I didn’t ask as she must have not wanted to say but it was odd as she spoken non stop and then nothing 🤣 it was a relief tbh when they moved village from ours.

We knew they weren’t really our type people as we once went for a meal
with them and her husband spoke non stop about them hating fat people and how disgusting it is ( we’re not fat but Id just had a baby so maybe half a stone over weight) it just felt odd chat for a meal out.

Then we had Covid and didn’t see each other much, she was pregnant when we met up. We went for a walk and she started saying how I could be their babysitter once a week and every day she thought I could meet her as she didn’t join the NCT and didn’t have any baby friends. I politely said I work (which she knew!) and how I joined lots of groups and NCT and made friends as i had to expand my circle. My DH works abroad so no idea how she thought I could babysit once a week when I have my own kids and I don’t have babysitters.

On this walk she started talking about having a baby shower. She didn’t say when or anything but was telling me her plans. (At the time I was going through IVF which she didn’t know about - but I really don’t like baby showers. It triggers me - I never go. Even now after baby losses and having 2 of my own now luckily I wouldn’t go. My choice). That night after the walk she messaged me saying she’s adding me to a baby shower group, she’ll leave the group and I will organise pay and sort the baby shower out. I hadn’t even said I could go. Luckily it was the first weekend when restrictions lifted and we went to see our in-laws anyway . I also really was not that good a friend to her , it was so odd.

Final hurdle was when she had her baby she messaged. I congratulated her and knew to send my love etc but I didn’t ask the ins and outs as I felt she would tell me if she wanted / not my business. A week later I sent a message saying shout if you need any help - cleaning shopping etc or when her DH was back at work I could help her if she needs anything and asked how she was. She wrote really short message back and didn’t respond when I asked about baby etc I tired again a few weeks later and the same short response - As she could have been struggling etc . Decided 2 months after to do a final trying message asking how’s everything etc and she wrote a sentence back . So I never wrote to her again - she messaged about 4 months after saying how am I and she’s not heard from me but I never wrote back again.

Never had that with any friend. It was odd and I understand why she doesn’t have friends now. She didn’t know how to behave and what was appropriate and what was too much.

Also to add to this- im more wary about friendships and people nowadays. I have some amazing solid friendships from school
age and I assume all new friends I meet are similar. But I now know they aren’t necessarily and I step back, take a long time to get to know people and make sure I can pull back. For example- my kids school mums. Been there 5 years, there’s 12 of us mums who go abroad for a weekend each year now but it took us a long time to find each other and know who the sane non drama ones are 🤣

Yes. You fuck me over in any way, shape or form, you're dead to me.

DS has recently been ghosted by a best friend of over 5yrs. He has no idea why and has tried to make contact on several occasions to ask why but has just been blocked.

I don’t understand how people can do this. Why just not speak to them about the issue and let them know.

I was ghosted by my best friend of 20 years because I had to keep rearranging meet ups. I was going through depression after a break up and struggling as a single parent, I didn’t want to burden anyone so I kept to myself. My friend obviously took it personally and decided she didn’t want to be friends anymore. I never tried to get in touch because I know she didn’t make the decision lightly so I chose to respect it.
Then when I was in the position to ghost someone I understood her better.
I lowered contact with a friend of 15 years because she changed and was very negative and judgemental towards me suddenly. She made hurtful comments and gossiped about me behind my back with her best friend (who hated me at school and didn’t want us to be friends) so I left her to it. I gradually stopped replying then eventually blocked her. She never tried to make contact. I didn’t realise until then how on edge she made me feel, like a toddler being told off.
I think I’m also in the process of being ghosted by a newer friend, we used to talk daily and meet weekly but since I had my baby she’s only replied twice and avoids me.
I learnt not to chase people anymore and to cut out anyone who doesn’t better my life. I prefer no friends to crap friends, it’s not worth the stress

Yes. The last few times of me trying to arrange a meet up I’ve gotten lots of excuses and reasons why they are too busy. So I just stopped asking. I think they might view it as ghosting. Maybe it’s more that we’ve drifted apart.

I stopped being friends with someone a while back and I was relieved that they never asked me why. So, if they’re reading this….

My first child was born four months prematurely and was extremely sick and not expected to survive. Friend knew exactly what the situation was. He was a few weeks old and fighting for his life and she texted to say “I got a positive pregnancy test this morning! How exciting that they’ll both be in the same year at school!” (This wasn’t her first child, so couldn’t even be put down to PFB excitement.)

A few weeks later, lots of people were asking to see photos of him. I was terrified of sending photos to anyone at all in case he’d died before they saw them (this was years before camera phones). I eventually found the courage to send her a photo and she replied, in full, “Christ, his ears are massive!”

A few years went by. We are so lucky that my son survived, but he has multiple complex disabilities. On one occasion I met friend with her mum. The mum told me that I was going to have to do “something drastic very soon”, before my son realised how delayed he was.

The final straw was when friend was pregnant again. I messaged her one day to ask how things were going. She replied “just had a scan, one of the kidneys looked a bit bright…. think I might abort as I don’t really want a disabled child”.

So that day I stopped talking to her.

I have once. A friend married a very rich man and after a few years her attitude completely changed.

We were out with a mutual friend who was going through a very tough time. Her partner had killed himself after hiding a fucktonne of debt, some of which was in joint names and friend was having a hell of a time fighting some of the companies to believe that it had been taken out in joint names solely by him.

In a short space of time ex-friend stated that anyone who didn't know what their partner was doing was obviously a shit partner, that she would never, ever, ever get over someone she loved killing themselves and that she didn't know how people managed to get into debt as all you had to do was work hard like her and you could have a lovely lifestyle (as if her one morning a week job covered the luxury lifestyle her husband and she had...).

I realised at that point she just had no clue and no empathy whatsoever and I never contacted her again. She only tried to get in touch 8 month later when she wanted to queue jump at an event I was organising. I ignored her email and I've only heard from her annually (same event) since when she's looking to book tickets

There's a friend I haven't spoken to since she confirmed that the rumour I'd heard (that she'd been shagging the Husband of someone she knew) was true.

I haven't got respect for someone that can have coffee with a Woman on Tuesday and then shag that Woman's Husband on Wednesday.

In not friends with people I don't respect 🤷🏻‍♀️

It happened to me twice I suppose. Once age 17 - my best friend stopped taking my calls (only landlines then, her mum said she was out - she wasn’t as barely went out). I wrote to her and she wrote back with ‘reasons’. She actually got back in touch about 8 years later and we socialised for a bit, but then lost touch again as we had nothing in common.
The worst one was a long-standing uni friend, I never knew why, she just stopped answering texts (no SM in those days but we are FB friends now).
I’ve never ghosted anyone although have lost touch, but that’s life. My very good friend has been ghosted or fallen out with countless people. She doesn’t understand why, but I can see why she can be annoying! We had a hiatus during covid times as she went a bit strange but is ok now.

Not in a deliberate way but sometimes forgot to contact them or decided I didn't particularly enjoy their company, then didn't see or hear from them again.

As for talking only about oneself....a few years back I was sorting some old photos and came across one of an ex colleague at a work fancy dress party. I sent it to her via WhatsApp and she asked me around. I went after work one day and for two hours she talked entirely about herself and never asked me one single thing about myself, our work place or mutual colleagues. I mean, I have a few friends who go on a bit sometimes, but this was unbelievable.

I've grown apart from a few old friends in the last couple of years because I got a bit fed up with nearly always being the one to get in touch. One became very flaky as well ( I realise it's possible that I was slow faded myself) Two recently responded to happy birthday messages from me, saying about meeting up, and I replied saying I'd love to, suggesting dates to one and a let me know when you're free to the other. Neither responded and so I've just let it go. If any of them contacted me I'd be happy to chat, so I haven't ghosted them. I know I could contact them if I felt like it ( actually it's often after I read a thread like this on here that I do) but I have a busy and full enough life with people who do make equal effort.

I did have a falling out with one friend years ago, but it wasn't a ghosting from either side. We agreed to disagree and went our separate ways.
I wouldn't have a problem bumping into any of them and having a chat, and we'd probably have a bit of a laugh about how time flies.

I have done the alow fade thing. Friends for 20 years. Every single conversation we ever had was her talking at me. I ended up feeling very stressed snd resentful every time I saw her. Final.straw was me trying to.tell her about a difficult situation I was going through. She clearly wasn't even listening and just carried on talking. I have since cut contact and I don't care. Feel better for writing it down.

How did you know she was looking at your social media posts?

@Frances0911 insta tells you when someone views your story, or occasionally she'd 'like' an fb photo or thumbs up a group chat message. But she would just never reply to my DMs or texts. Wish I knew why! Maybe she fundamentally disagreed with divorce in principle or something.

Yes, I have.

I was planning my suicide at the time. Too much had happened for me to be able to cope. I cut myself off from as many people as possible. Sounds dramatic but it was easier to isolate myself.

A few years later and I'm still here but, as I still have periods where I don't think I can carry on, I won't reach out to anyone. It's too depressing to talk about and I lost the ability to pretend I'm happy for long. I can't maintain a friendship, every ounce of energy goes on surviving the day.

I would agree with a PP who said it's often not about the person who is ghosted, it's much more likely to be about the person who disappears.

She must have very little friends if she goes on like that. A 3 month friend break, what the actual fuck.

Unhealthy boundries.
Over invested.

Yes. Someone I met at baby group who was very intense and turned out to be pretty insufferable.

She had 2 children but still relied on everyone else for everything like a teenager. Didn’t work or drive so always asking for lifts or some sort of favour.

It’s hard to describe; but she made her problems other people’s to fix and took no responsibility for herself or her choices.

The final straw for me was when she didn’t see a problem in me doing a forty minute trip to collect her and her children so they could come to my son’s birthday party. I was unreasonable for not having the time to drop everything on the day to make sure she could get there.

I ghosted a friend who did the same hobby with me over blatantly racist comments. Really ugly language. No regrets.