Maintenance

[askmenothing]

ExH has DD 6-8 nights a month usually. Is having her more over summer.

He pays less maintenance than he should according to CMS calculator, also claims child benefit and UC for DD. I am a higher rate tax payer so have been ok (not especially happy) with this.

He has asked if he can not pay maintainance this month as he wants to take DD away for a night at a castle. They got back from a week abroad a couple of weeks ago.

He believes that as I earn more than him, he should be able to keep the maintenance and spend it on a night away.

AIBU to say no? That's not the deal with maintenance and I had already budgeted to spend it replacing uniform. I have said this and am being called selfish and unreasonable and other random names. Am doubting myself.

Why don't you just go through CMS for payment?

I never understand why women seem ok with accepting less money than they are entitled to for their child.

No you aren't being unreasonable.
He should be paying at least the minimum from CMS. And why is he getting the child benefit?
If she doesn't live with him can he claim universal credit for her as a dependant? Sounds fraudulent.

Wtf no he can't keep the maintenance. Go through CMS. He's a right cheeky fucker

Yep, good point. I was attempting to keep the peace. I think that's my next step.

Because OP wouldn't get any presumably

Frame it in a "so we don't have to ever talk about it again let's just let CMS sort it" way

Perhaps the first thing is to say that isn't OK, and that actually you expect him to pay the correct amount. Then, if you think it would work with him, something like 'I would like to keep this amicable and not have to take it through the CMS as that won't be good for any of us'. Gentle threat....but give him the heads up and the chance to behave properly?

Oh yeah I forgot they brought in the cap. Is that why op?

Claiming UC for a child that doesn't live with him is benefit fraud, stealing from the public purse. Between that and the child benefit, and being child free for 25 days a month, he should have plenty of opportunity to accumulate money for maintenance.

Yes, I agreed to him claiming child benefit as I would have to pay part of it back. I'm only just over the threshold

I have said very similar to this. I get called names.

These are my thoughts. He is very good at making me doubt myself and frames it as thought I am somehow depriving my child.

He's the one depriving your child

Sounds like it might be time for CMS involvement - but I think that brings financial penalties if they take the maintenance direct from his salary? But if it stops the emotional conflict then maybe it's a price worth paying...

I think you are correct.

You can't claim maintenance through CMS as long as he is claiming UC for your child as that is only meant for a parent who the child lives with the majority of the time.

Threaten to report him for benefit fraud and see what happens then.

So he wants to take her on holiday but you’re actually paying for it. Jog on pal.

He calls you names? What a great role model he is for your DD?

This alone should prompt you to go direct to CMS and get what's due for your DD.

.

I think you can probably claim through CMS regardless. They will then approach him and what he tells them (or doesn't) about the benefits he's claiming is entirely his responsibility - as are the consequences.

In the past he has told DD they can't do things because 'he has to pay mummy money' and I guess I'm fearful of him doing that again.

I think I need to just go through CMS and refuse to engage in discussion about it.

Thanks for this, was very prepared to hear IABU.

Go through CMS. It's the only way with people who seem intent on paying the bare minimum they can possibly get away with.

And..thinking about it, if you then claimed Child Benefit (even if it isn't in full) that might even make up for any reduction that happens with CMS involvement?

He’s taking advantage of you. Go through CMS so you aren’t manipulated any more.

In the past he has told DD they can't do things because 'he has to pay mummy money' and I guess I'm fearful of him doing that again.

Did he tell you that or did your DD say it back to you? How old is she?

May be time for a chat about how everything costs money and mummy works very hard to pay for almost everything for DD.

Or just ignore it. He sounds like he's determined to guilt you into not pursuing basic maintenance.