Why so many husband problems?

[Curiousto]

I've just spent the morning with my friend listening, again, about to all her husband issues.

She's one of 4 friends who have ongoing problems. All 4 would rather tolerate the low level annoyances, deceit, laziness, lies and rudeness than say "I'm done". All 4 have moaned about their men for years.

I turn on MN and 4 of the 5 trending threads are about 'D' Hs

Why on earth do wives put up with so much crap from husbands? And why do we as a society breed this in both men and women?

My personal stance on this is that I couldn't be happier 5 years on from my 20yr marriage ending. I was done with his crap. Those 4 friends "wish they could be like me and get rid" They all see how much happier I am now but still themselves put up with being sad and cross 90% of the time.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.

Money? I’m my case - money. Making sure I’m on the premises to get my dues.

Money/security, I will have a much more comfortable lifestyle if I stay with H.
Kids, don't want them having a broken home and as much as H is a shit H, he's a brilliant dad

The world was an easier place when women didnt have forums like this to pore over every minute detail of their husbands behaviour. Its almost become fashionable now to say how much of a shit DH is. I sincerely doubt all 4 of your friends husbands are seriously nasty bar stewards.

For me...
Daughter just starting GCSE's, even an amicable split would be disruptive. Can't do it to her. Then it will be A-levels. Then the sunk cost idea. Generally money. It's not that bad...etc..

It IS a big step to leave. You marry believing it will be forever.

People with lovely husbands don't post threads on mumsnet - that's not what it's for.

I stayed for the financial security, not because I relied on him, simply because 2 incomes made for a better life than 1.

4 months post separation after 13 years together, and I am so bloody happy.

Ok, I have less disposable income, I wont be having a holiday this year, but my priorities have changed now, missing out on 2 weeks in the sun vs being miserable around the clock.

I also got myself a puppy, ex would never ever agree to a dog, we are such a happy household now, no one is walking on eggshells, we are all free to be ourselves. I do nag more about turning lights and appliances off, and not having the heating on when it drops chilly at night, but we can now all cuddle up with the pooch and a blanket on the sofa.

Partly that people don’t post about the good stuff.

Partly that society grooms women to tolerate all sorts of shit for the “life goal” of being married with kids. As a result women often need to have low standards to be able to achieve this.

My husband is amazing, we have the best life and love each other so much. We have 100% respect for one another. We've just had the most wonderful holiday together. Who wants to read about that? What would I need to post to ask for advice about when I'm super happy and content? People don't post the good stuff. People post with problems as they are asking for advice.

Because being a single mother can be worse. But that's something society has bred too.

Oh, the 10% happy makes my friends believe the 90% sadness will improve @Raasclaat . Even after so many years. None of their men are seriously nasty by any means. But they're horrid enough often enough to make my friends' lives harder and sadder then they should be.

Agreed that people don't post the happy stuff. But the threads you do read, the woman's standards are often low.

Combination of money and schooling. I can afford to maintain our rented home on just my income, but I can't afford to move elsewhere within a reasonable distance of the school. Even smaller properties are more expensive than ours, and the competition for them is fierce...that doesn't include trying to find at least £3k upfront for deposit and a month's rent. That's just for a 3 bed/2 double bed place.

He won't leave - I can't make him leave as a co-tenant because he's done nothing 'wrong' beyond being a selfish man child that my life would be better without.

My only option if I leave is to uproot our children, disrupt their schooling, hobbies and friendships. We'd have to leave a thriving suburb of a decent sized city to an insular small rural village that I couldn't wait to escape when I turned 18 - because I'd have no choice but to lean on the kindness/generosity of family until I could get myself sorted again. That's 3 counties away from where we are now and I wouldn't be able to get back into the area we currently live in a decent timeframe for GCSEs not to be affected.

Given the trauma my children (and I) have had to deal with the last few years, moving would be a real blow to how well they're starting to handle things. Little things like their easily accessible friendship groups in school and hobbies are massively important to them. I know the youngest in particular would really struggle to forge new friendships and would definitely stop her hobbies.

So, I put up with a selfish man child until I win the lottery, or can persuade him to leave, or reach a point where I think relocating won't be a massive blow to my children (specifically the youngest). It's the lesser of two really shitty options.

Women who can't afford to run a household alone have to compromise by living with someone who doesn't treat them very well.

And the men know it, and take advantage of it.

Fucking sad state to be in.

I do think people are less likely to work on their marriages these days, or at least to privately agree to just get on with things and put up/shut up. It’s very acceptable now to moan and bitch and gossip about everything, I think marriage was much more private in previous generations (for better or for worse!).

I think for a lot of couples after a certain length of time marriage is what you make of it - but that means both people making a genuine effort to make it work, not just one.

Sharing your life with someone isn't easy and if there was a dads net they would all be on about their wives.
That said, because it's not easy isn't a reason to break up a home.
I love my husband, he's my rock, but he's also my asshole.

If I could, I'd divorce my in-laws- instead I just have nothing to do with them.

Most people can't afford to just leave or if they did leave they would have a poor life

You only notice the ones who talk about their problems.

MN is chock full of people talking about issues with their partners, and one could be forgiven for thinking that most people are living in a rotten relationship. But all the ones who are happy don't post about it, so the view is obscured.

On the contrary, women have been getting together and moaning about the menfolk since the dawn of time. I can just picture them over the spinning or the grain-grinding, picking apart all the faults in his hunting or ploughing skills.

What has changed is:

1. Women's ability to leave a bad man, and
2. The modern idea that we should get all our emotional, mental and physical support from one partner, instead of living in a community of mutual support from relatives and other women. Our expectations of what one person can give us are very high.

Some women just like to have a moan.

I spend a good couple of hours listening to someone tell me about their pretty abusive marriage the other night.

I should have given her the example of a nearly 80yo friend sitting on my garden wall telling me how horrible their H is now and it's even worse due to cognitive decline.

I'm lucky but I also couldn't live like that. MN is very good at shining a light on what has become normalised behaviour for some women.

I think for many, it's the threat of poverty. Many single parents are a lot poorer than when they're married. Austerity and the two child benefit cap have made that worse.

On top of that are women who haven't married who could lose their homes should they leave and have perhaps given up employment to take care of children. Working mothers also have very little support and childcare is expensive.

The government don't do enough to force fathers to pay up for their children and standard CMS is very low.

Women often get trapped in poor marriages because their husbands change once they have children. Endemic sexism often becomes apparent once children are on the scene. Many don't want to split up the home and can't afford to run a home by themselves.

I was a single mother from when my daughter was almost 3 and it was blissful happiness compared to being her father’s wife. He started being abusive when I was pregnant and it just got worse. 22 years and I haven’t remarried.

I said 'CAN' be worse. I never get responses like this – obviously one size doesn't fit all, but it should come as no surprise that many women in bad marriages are very frightened at becoming single mothers, particularly if they don't work, are on a low income, have no savings or have no family support. Abuse and infidelity are one thing, but low level unhappiness is quite another

Surely a dog costs more than a holiday? (Ongoing costs like vet bills etc.)

Pet insurance for a dog can be picked up for circa £600 annual. Much less than a 2 week holiday abroad.

Regardless, maybe the poster prioritises a pet over a holiday.

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