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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH behaviour completely changed since DS born

72 replies

Yellowpenguins · 07/08/2024 13:20

I feel like my DH has totally changed since I had my baby 10 weeks ago and I don’t know what to do.

I married him because (among other things) he is kind, a nice person and we get on well etc. He works full time and also does private jobs at the weekends (we need the money from this) so I get he’s busy. But that means I literally have the baby 24/7 with no breaks.

He does sometimes help with baby eg he will hold him for 10 mins if I need to hang out washing. We don’t have family near us so it is a lot looking after DS.

I feel like I’m losing my mind trying to work out if I’m unreasonable or expecting too much. Some examples of his behaviour:

Making himself a lunch/cup of tea and not asking if I want any. DS has bad reflux and if he’s crying and I’m getting upset DH will take him but it’s done in the tone of, you clearly can’t manage. He told me I’m a state when I got stressed at DS crying. He said he doesn’t care about feelings when he’s busy trying to get work done. Never gets up in the night or responds to DS crying.

He said he doesn’t understand why I’m getting stressed out as it’s easy to look after DS because I just need to sit with him.

Is this right? I’m so upset and conflicted because I didn’t marry a man who I thought would be like this. Is this usual behaviour for men who have had babies recently? Am I just being over emotional?

OP posts:
Morningsiesta · 07/08/2024 13:25

You need a proper break. Give him the baby and go out in the evenings, maybe. I hope you're getting enough sleep. He sounds rude.

MounjaroUser · 07/08/2024 13:25

No, it really isn't normal behaviour. He doesn't sound very kind to either you or your child. I can't imagine his reasoning if he makes himself lunch and doesn't make anything for you - that's really awful.

SettingsOptions · 07/08/2024 13:25

To a certain extent I see both sides of this, he obviously doesn’t understand your perspective and you likely can’t relate to his. It’s a communication issue.

On the surface if he is working 7 days a week, he’s likely to feel stressed and burnt out himself. He possibly feels resentment towards you? He possibly sees you as being able to stay home which is comfortable, plus being able to be with your child which is (presumably) a nice thing? He probably doesn’t spend enough time with your son to see it as not being a nice thing.

I actually wonder if a solution is you working part time on the weekend and him having the baby, as it gives you both a break from your respective “roles”

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 07/08/2024 13:26

Sadly it's very common for men to show their true colours either during pregnancy or after childbirth. Sad He knows you're tied for life now so he doesn't need to make any effort or show you respect.

For now just concentrate on yourself and do what you need to do to stay sane. If you have sex be very careful with contraception, and get back to work as soon as possible. You need to be in a position to leave him at some point.

Original poster
Yellowpenguins · 07/08/2024 13:27

I haven’t left my job as DS is only 10 weeks old obviously and I’m getting full salary until 30 weeks. That’s why I would be reluctant to work part time at the evenings!

OP posts:
Devilsmommy · 07/08/2024 13:28

When my little one was that age my DH worked all week but he always helped out when he was home. I'd be telling him he's looking after the baby for the day and then take yourself out. He'll soon see it's not a case of just sitting there. Twat. He's really not nice if he's treating you this way

TemuSpecialBuy · 07/08/2024 13:28

In dealing with my angry baby so can’t be an s eloquent as I’d like

Everyone has an adjustment period.
its like a bomb going off. Be kind to yourself. He sounds oblivious and a bit clueless.

My advice:
basically hand him the baby as soon as he appears and go do whatever you need to.

the more time he spends with that baby the better.
if you hear him making tea say “I’ll have one” if he walks into the room with a sandwich assume its yours when he says its not ask why not / why didn’t he make you one. Then hand him the baby and walk off to make yours. Take your time while you are there 😂

basically you need to set your stall out now as it will determine the tone in the future

also don’t bother proving you can cope…I “can’t cope” regularly and my DH is the same.
humans need a break sometimes
i had 2 under 2 and sometimes you just need space.

i “fought my DH hard” with my eldest and didn’t really give him a choice but to be hands on and was happy to do whatever it took. A lot of people wouldn’t agree with that I’m sure but It was the right thing for us and the whole family are happy for it now.

he is v confident with both kids and is very close to them too which we both wanted

SunflowersMidwinter · 07/08/2024 13:30

SettingsOptions · 07/08/2024 13:25

To a certain extent I see both sides of this, he obviously doesn’t understand your perspective and you likely can’t relate to his. It’s a communication issue.

On the surface if he is working 7 days a week, he’s likely to feel stressed and burnt out himself. He possibly feels resentment towards you? He possibly sees you as being able to stay home which is comfortable, plus being able to be with your child which is (presumably) a nice thing? He probably doesn’t spend enough time with your son to see it as not being a nice thing.

I actually wonder if a solution is you working part time on the weekend and him having the baby, as it gives you both a break from your respective “roles”

I agee with this post

Lincoln24 · 07/08/2024 13:30

How much work does he do at weekends, is it full days? If he's working 7 days a week with a 10 week old he must be totally overwhelmed. I feel for you too, that's an incredibly difficult scenario for both of you to be managing with a newborn. Is there anyone who could help out to give you a break?

Lincoln24 · 07/08/2024 13:31

Devilsmommy · 07/08/2024 13:28

When my little one was that age my DH worked all week but he always helped out when he was home. I'd be telling him he's looking after the baby for the day and then take yourself out. He'll soon see it's not a case of just sitting there. Twat. He's really not nice if he's treating you this way

OP says her husband works a 7 day week though.

PenelopeHofstadter · 07/08/2024 13:32

All of you saying 'oh poor man working 7 days a week';

OP is working 7 days a week too!

Or doesn't it count because it's 'wimmins work'?

ANiceCuppaTeaandBiscuit · 07/08/2024 13:33

Oh I am sorry, the 4th trimester is hard enough, let alone without the support you need. It sounds like perhaps he hasn't bonded with the baby? Perhaps he feels guilty that the connection didn't happen immediately and just doesn't know how to talk to you about it. It's totally normal. Suggest he get's some paternity/holiday leave in and discuss ways to bond, have some open discussion. Hopefully once that's established he will be able to give you the support you need. The newborn days are really hard on everyone, and it's a big adjustment to your lives, albeit one you are handling better than him. Is there anyone that can help you, friends or family wise, while he settles into his role as dad?

Devilsmommy · 07/08/2024 13:33

Lincoln24 · 07/08/2024 13:31

OP says her husband works a 7 day week though.

Show quote history

Yep and so did my husband. Parenting is a 24/7 job. OP doesn't get to switch off from that so why should her husband? She's working longer hours than him

biscuitandcake · 07/08/2024 13:34

Its not right. Is there anyone, ideally a relative on his side, who could kick him into touch a bit? Or at least tell him "when Susan had our baby she was so tired, I did half the night feeds" kind of thing. At the very least if you have supportive people close by and you are struggling ask them to come round and support you a bit just with company. You need it, and if he sees other people being nice (making you a cup of tea while you feed baby etc) the cogs in his brain might start to whirr. He shouldn't need to be told/shown this but clearly he does.

SettingsOptions · 07/08/2024 13:35

Yellowpenguins · 07/08/2024 13:27

I haven’t left my job as DS is only 10 weeks old obviously and I’m getting full salary until 30 weeks. That’s why I would be reluctant to work part time at the evenings!

Right so he works full time and you get a full time salary on maternity leave. But he also must work at the weekend with extra jobs because you need the money? Both full time incomes can’t sustain your household?

Are you both on minimum wage?

it seems like you/he may need to spend time figuring out the path to better paid employment. Whether that’s switching employers or retraining. Your current set up isn’t feasible, no wonder you’re feeling stressed and not getting along

biscuitandcake · 07/08/2024 13:36

Also - if he is working long hours then maybe it makes sense for OP to do most of the baby stuff. It doesn't excuse him not making her a cup of tea/lunch though. That's basic kindness. I make tea for colleagues when I am in the office making my own and I don't even love them.

HumerousHumous · 07/08/2024 13:37

Op says her DH works all week. I imagine he will get breaks, particularly with the week day work, so a break for coffee, a lunch break most likely and then there is the journey home so in my book he is getting breaks and the op by the sound of things is getting no break from the baby. Pretty unfair. Point this out to your DH and also do what PP have suggested. Hand him the baby and go out. Don't feel guilty, don't give advance notice so he can make excuses, just go.

SettingsOptions · 07/08/2024 13:37

Devilsmommy · 07/08/2024 13:33

Yep and so did my husband. Parenting is a 24/7 job. OP doesn't get to switch off from that so why should her husband? She's working longer hours than him

Show quote history

Parenting isn’t paid employment which is what people mean by a “job” and “working” in this context. She is looking after the child more than he is, but she isn’t working longer hours than him.

Phineyj · 07/08/2024 13:37

Yeah do what @TemuSpecialBuy suggests.

Address the selfishness directly and now.

Do not hope it will get better by itself.

And hang onto that job!

Flipzandchipz · 07/08/2024 13:38

You’re not being unreasonable OP he sounds like a selfish arse. My DH went back to work after 2 weeks leave. On his lunch break he would hold DS, both because it gave me a break but because he wanted to. He went out at 11pm to buy me ice cream because I was struggling with the lack of sleep and constant breastfeeding and he knew it would cheer me up. He would get shopping in and make sure I had plenty of snacks. That’s is what a loving partner should do.

He is being so harsh, I would do as PP’s have said, pass him the baby, don’t ask him, his view of only taking baby when you’re at the end of your tether is warped, he should be stepping up and taking baby because he is a parent. You probably need to give an ultimatum. Tell him his behaviour is rubbish and what your expectations are. And that if he doesn’t think he can do it then you’re considering if you want to stay married, I think he needs to realise the seriousness of things.

loropianalover · 07/08/2024 13:39

I think this is one of those ones where you both need to agree to give each other a little grace. Make it both of you against the problem, not you and him against each other.

You are both in a huge adjustment period and both exhausted. You can each acknowledge how hard it is for the other right now, without holding resentment or bickering about who has it worse. You’re tied to a dependent newborn 24/7, that is hard. He is working 7 days a week stressed about providing for a newborn, that is hard.

Does DH have to work 7 days always? Can you tighten finances up anywhere, are you claiming everything? It’s not sustainable and means you get no break which is not sustainable either. It’s a vicious cycle OP and I really do feel for you but try to meet in the middle somewhere and acknowledge each other. This won’t last forever.

Original poster
Yellowpenguins · 07/08/2024 13:39

@SettingsOptions No we’re not in minimum wage jobs we are professionals but it’s a complicated scenario/situation that we find ourselves in work wise. It’s down to earning qualifications as well as the money aspect

OP posts:
Drizzlebizzle · 07/08/2024 13:41

My ex completely changed when DC arrived. I spent a lot of the first few months trying to work out what was going on in his head as he was manufacturing all sorts of issues to mess with my head. Also reneged on a lot of things he said he'd do. Wish i'd ignored him and got on with enjoying my baby. I left after 3 months.

Jennyathemall · 07/08/2024 13:42

SunflowersMidwinter · 07/08/2024 13:30

I agee with this post

Show quote history

Also agree. You need to communicate.

Chersfrozenface · 07/08/2024 13:47

He thinks having and raising children is women's work. All that is your job. As far as he's concerned, if you get upset, you're failing at your job and you need to sort it out and do your job better.

How to persuade him that raising children is a joint enterprise? I don't know, frankly.