DH behaviour completely changed since DS born

[Yellowpenguins]

I feel like my DH has totally changed since I had my baby 10 weeks ago and I don’t know what to do.

I married him because (among other things) he is kind, a nice person and we get on well etc. He works full time and also does private jobs at the weekends (we need the money from this) so I get he’s busy. But that means I literally have the baby 24/7 with no breaks.

He does sometimes help with baby eg he will hold him for 10 mins if I need to hang out washing. We don’t have family near us so it is a lot looking after DS.

I feel like I’m losing my mind trying to work out if I’m unreasonable or expecting too much. Some examples of his behaviour:

Making himself a lunch/cup of tea and not asking if I want any. DS has bad reflux and if he’s crying and I’m getting upset DH will take him but it’s done in the tone of, you clearly can’t manage. He told me I’m a state when I got stressed at DS crying. He said he doesn’t care about feelings when he’s busy trying to get work done. Never gets up in the night or responds to DS crying.

He said he doesn’t understand why I’m getting stressed out as it’s easy to look after DS because I just need to sit with him.

Is this right? I’m so upset and conflicted because I didn’t marry a man who I thought would be like this. Is this usual behaviour for men who have had babies recently? Am I just being over emotional?

I know, I was responding to your point that OP should just leave the baby with the husband for the day and go out. She can't do that if he is working.

You poor thing. Parenting is 24/7 so he needs to be more hands on when he isn't working. Does he think you're just chilling all day? My son was refluxy and it's sucha. Strain, you cant comfort them and it impacts their sleep, feeding, everything. In our case it was dairy allergy so once he was on omperazole and allergy formula he was happier but I don't know what I'd have done without my husband splitting nights with me etc. He works full time too but knows parenting is part of his job too!

I agree to some extent the answer will depend on how much work he is doing at weekends. If he is doing a couple of hours on a Saturday and Sunday morning and has the rest of the weekend to relax that's different to if he is doing a full 9-5 both days.

But even if he is working full days and doesn't get any time off, his attitude is not OK:

It's not normal to resent holding your own newborn child for 10 minutes. Most dad's I know couldn't wait to get home from work to give their kid a bath, hold them, feed them if not breastfeeding etc
It's not normal to not respond at all to your own baby crying, even when you're not the mother
It's not normal to live with a newborn and see your partner struggle and completely dismiss their experience even if they don't 100pc get it
It's hypocritical to tell you it's easy on the one hand as it's just sitting down but then refuse to do their shre
It's not normal to not offer emphaty, sympathy or situations when your partner is struggling with something. Shrugging your shoulders and saying 'but it's easy!' When you're not helping and it's something you haven't done yourself is cold and lazy.

I don't think you're over reacting at all. Having a baby does involve sitting down a fair bit yes but it also involves recovering from pregnancy and childbirth, feeling overwhelmed with responsibility looking after something that doesn't come with an instruction manual or respond how you'd expect, getting used to a complete lack of spontaneity, getting used to your live sudden being ruled by the demands of someone else, hormone changes, feelings of isolation, all on top of getting no sleep etc. I remember those days of not getting a shower or anything to eat as every time i put the baby down they yelled. Why can't he see this? Why do so many women get pnd if its so fucking easy? Did you know that lack of support from a partner is a big factor in that? Why did he even have kids if his sole contribution is holding them for 10 min a day?

Ignore the PP who are saying to get a job at the weekends when you have a 10 week old snd are on maternity anyway. You already have two jobs.

When I was off on mat leave my husband shared the night wakings and did the housework and every night he would do the bath and walking around settling etc. It is possible to be a man and recognise that looking after a baby is hard. He always used to say he had the easier job going to work.

I can't think of anything to do other than spell it out to him in black and white that your relationship will not recover from the resentment of his total lack of support if he doesn't step up. Ans leave him with the baby for a day if you aren't breastfeeding. Or go and stay with family for a while who will actually help

To be fair to your husband who is working outside the house the nights should be on you since you can take a nap with the baby in the afternoon (I really planned in on having us both fed and nothing to do so I could have 2-3 hours of sleep during the day). But what bothers me is that he doesnt seem to want to bond with his son. Tell him you want them to have a close loving relationship and it starts right now with cuddles, feeding and diaper changes.

He said he doesn’t understand why I’m getting stressed out as it’s easy to look after DS because I just need to sit with him.

Great, so he does it all weekend while you go out and have a break.

Has he always been like this and the stress of the baby is just highlighting it?

Or has he completely changed?

Before the baby was born, would he often make himself a drink/food without asking you or has that started since the baby has been born?

What is his response when you speak to him about it?
Does he apologise and try not to be so selfish in the future or does he not see anything wrong with his behaviour?

It sounds like he’s resentful that he’s working 7 days a week and you’re sat at home with the baby not working and thinking you’ve got it easier.

Ugh at these people defending his behaviour because he works. That's a reason for the OP to do the majority of childcare, but it is not a reason to call her a state and to make himself food/drink and not her. The reason for that is he's a selfish twat.

He told me I’m a state when I got stressed at DS crying

Is this the man you want your child to grow up to be? If not leave your H now.

Hand baby to him as soon as he gets in from work and take a break for a few hours each evening. He’ll have no issue with this because as he said himself caring for a baby is easy all you have to do is sit with them, it will be like a break for him surely.

Welcome to the world of ingrained misogyny, where he ringfences his downtime and you get none!

Please look up Zawn on Facebook so you can see how common this is and know how to end it. My ex did the same and it became abusive, which is a really common pattern too.

Im sorry this is still happening

OP, you have my sympathies, I'm in the same boat. H will literally be handed the baby and the bottle and quit after 30ml as "baby is done"... erm no, she's screaming for her bottle. Has to be told to change the nappy and is yet to give her a bath.

Utter, 100% change since the birth, I got blindsided.

To those saying "just leave the baby with him" - I don't trust him not to leave her wailing while he's watching the Olympics. Literally.

I have no advice. I'm prepping for divorce as soon as I'm off maternity leave.

He can't have it both ways.

Either looking after the baby is hard work and you need a break so he needs to take his turn do you get a small break each day, even if he works long hours

Or looking after the baby is easy, in which case why is he handing baby back to you after ten mins?

It sounds like you would all benefit from a better balance.How many hours per week is your husband working? If he is genuinely too exhausted to spend any time being a dad to his baby and to give you a break, he’s working too many hours. I’d start by looking together at how he can have a better work life balance. He should be making you lunch if he is making himself some and shouldn’t be criticising you.

Maybe he needs to drop the extra weekend jobs for a while to take turns parenting (that's unless he's doing them precisely to -avoid parenting.)

The majority of men do not want children. They just agree to keep the woman happy. This probably applies to your DH.

This sounds horrible, I'm sorry. Also can't believe some of the utter bollocks on here such as suggesting you work while on maternity leave.
I'm on maternity leave and if I got caught working I'd have to pay my maternity pay back! And I'm definitely not on full pay!

My husband works very long hours but always makes me drinks etc and does his share of childcare when he's at home.

This is crazy. When I had a baby my exh did everything except breastfeed and he enjoyed it. He would joke how he could not wait for me to stop breastfeeding so that he could feed our son too. I do not understand people who are defending him. He most definitely should be involved in some way either out of love or out of the sense or responsibility. To feel neither is unacceptable.

Sounds horrendous but very common. Having a baby seems to change everything. Suddenly you're a nag who is wanting them to do things! It's easy to be kind and generous when there are few demands on your time - much harder to do it when you are knackered and grumpy. I was so shocked at how my DH changed in his attitude towards me when we had our first baby. It honestly felt like he'd had a personality transplant. However, by the time second baby finally came he was so much better.

You are both new to this. You haven't figured out how to do it yet. Assuming you want to stay together, you will work it out. Him working seven days a week will have to change. You need time too. He has got it in his head that maternity leave is like a holiday and you are having a nice time relaxing at home. Unfortunately it's now your job to teach him why this is not the case. The most effective way to do this is to leave him with the baby for extended periods of time so he is forced to step up. Do not make the mistake of trying to cope and do everything including all the housework and cooking. Make sure he does his share. Show him you are struggling.

100% this.

Yes some of the comments are fucking vile.

Your husband is a twat.

Does he have parents you could call and ask to come around and give him the massive kick up the backside that he richly deserves?

Yes to this.

Would it kill him to be kind?

This.

It's sad but oh so true.

Congratulations on being a new mum! A newborn baby to breastfeed and cuddle up to. You're newly postpartum and if you haven't got family locally and your husband is choosing to opt-out of being a new dad, you need to employ some support.

It's not healthy for you to be healing, handing the hormone changes that come with postpartum and be doing the household stuff 24/7.

No his behaviour is not normal. It's actually like he's tuned out of reality. Could be dangerous if he continues.

Mothers help or part time nanny is really important for you and your baby.

It's easy for a man to be good kind caring etc when there are no kids In the mix. What sort of real man he is won't show until a baby comes along. He is not stepping up to support you neither physically or emotionally. This is suppose to be be your amazing shared experience and he isn't interested in your well being. You need to sit him down and tell him how you feel but if he won't change you're better off cutting your losses as he won't get any better.